I’m shocked to have found this, I really wasn’t expecting to find anything. Usually I’m good at destroying the past and when I’m sick, seeing this stuff causes me severe anxiety.
So finding this is very emotional for me, it makes me want to cry, I haven’t even been able to finish reading it, and I got that itch to fix my mistakes.
I’ve always wished I left myself more clues, more thoughts to trace my mind back in time, to see if I’ve been thinking clearly about these issues I was having.
I felt so lost and broken at this time, I started suffering erectile dysfunction, I had ruined the relationship with Darlene, though we were still friends, she was more of a friend to me than I was to her. I put her through hell and probably helped make it impossible for her to feel like she can rely on anyone, hopefully she moved past the mind fucking I put people through.
People don’t like these cold, clinical, outside the box observations about situations, lol I really fuck with people when I dig deep and try to figure out what the fuck is going on with with my body and mind.
I feel like this is a love letter to myself, to let me know that someone was really fucking wrong and I didn’t have what it takes to figure it out, but maybe with enough time I could, or if I couldn’t, maybe someone else could use my reflections to help prevent this from happening to others. And without having a clue, I was able to leave myself a clue to find.
I’ve always felt this endless hope swelling inside of me, I’ve never know what to do with it, then I crashed and didn’t know what to do about that either, but the answer was always there, it was always right in front of me, I just didn’t understand I need to write my story.
I grew up with people sharing stories and I would beg my parents to read to us before bed, but that isn’t something I remember, so it didn’t last long, I don’t recall any specific stories, just the songs I use to nag my Dad to play on his guitar. lol
Reading this drives me nuts, If I’m this self aware, even when I’m sick, what’s going on in my head? What have I seen, that I forgot, but a part of me is screaming to remember?
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Up until now....not finished and needs editing
Here we go...
Kid 1, I had been dating a nameless girl for a couple years. Things were never really what you'd call great between us, but we had friends in common and we all hung out together so for the time it just worked. January 97 we had a daughter. That was the beginning of the end. Now we didn't just have to worry about our nonsense, but we had everyone else butting in because we weren't living together and our parents didn't help. We lingered on for 8 months, then I got the bright idea to join the coast guard. They were both supposed to follow me once I finished boot camp. So in early October and 3 days after getting to boot camp on one of my free calls, I got the news she wasn't going to be tagging along, she didn't want to leave her family.. Needless to say, I wasn't very happy about that and being young and having an overactive imagination, I thought of a way to get myself out as fast as I possibly could. I whacked my forehead on the floor giving myself a huge knot, laid on the floor pretending to be unconscious and pretended to lose my memory for a month, while the Dr's performed they're worthless tests to see what happened to me. In the end they found nothing. It wasn't as hard as some people have imagined, considering all I had to do was nothing. It didn't involve any effort except turning into a habitual liar for the time while I was faking... Not one of my proudest moments
sometime in November I got out and things were so so for a month and that was the end of that. i didn't;t confess to faking any of this until over a year later, so that had nothing to do with it.. we just weren't meant to be together. I fought for years in court and got nowhere. she didn't;t want me to see her, she said she grew up without a father in her life and our daughter didn't;t need one either.. I can't complain too much about it, because all the years the judges treated me like shit and totally screwed me... she was always nice about the whole thing and went out of her way at times to try and help me with the judges, she just wanted to do it all on her own...
in early 99 i met the girl who would become my ex-wife.. things moved faster than they should have and Aug 2000 we got married. That was the beginning of the end of that. Her mother made it known that I only married her daughter to spite her and went out of her way to cause problems. My good ole mother in-law was a drunk and had medical issues she used as an excuse to try to hurt people( she left no one out of this). My ex-wife's father was a grump too, but nothing like her mother. I can see why he divorced her. So for the next two years things could be described as OK, we had our pointless fights, which were mostly likely my fault. At the time I had no patience and my attitude was not what you'd call healthy from all my dealing with the courts regarding my kids. It's kinda sad that I can remember almost every stupid,, rude totally uncalled for thing I said during these fights, but I can't seem to recall why I got upset or anything she said in return, so that just reinforces my idea that these events were no ones fault but my own... in 2002 she got pregnant and it appeared my court days were over. so one would think that things would be on the up and up. well that didn't happen.. Feb 2003 our son was born and then she developed some kinda issue and she wasn't attached to him and wanted nothing to do with him except to show him off during holiday events. so me being myself totally unsympathetic and having no understanding or such things kept it all inside and let my ideas fester. Sometime later that year it all came out and was a huge mess. After things cooled down we decided to move and try to work on things( looking back I don't think I actually put any effort into anything). at the end of 2003 we split up for a couple weeks or a month I can't recall.. the only reason we got back together was because I annoyed the living shit out of her and kept begging for another chance(I'm sure i looked like a total fool), sometime in the next month or so I found out she slept with someone else(when and how many times I'm not to sure of) and for someone reason I didn't over react at that moment, sure it bothered me but most likely somewhere deep down I knew was already skating on thin ice so I didn't;t make a big deal out of it.well that was until a month or so later I got shit faced and flipped out on her for no reason because of her affair. So we tried marriage counseling, which made things even worse. The first guy blamed it all on me and the next two we tried blamed it all on her( I should have had the state file charges against them, they aren't supposed to do stuff like that). In Aug 2004 it was decided it was over for good... Visions of court swirled through my head and I decided that wasn't going to happen again, so one day I bought a gallon of vodka and a pint of Jack Daniels 151 and drank all the jack and most of the vodka in 15 minutes. For some reason my body held it all in and I never once threw up... before it took full effect I made it to the basement and ended up getting caught, but no one knew how much I drank. So they sat with me, I vaguely remember crying about some nonsense and then I blacked out. well it turns out I laid on the concrete for almost 24 hours and did some serious damage to a couple muscles in my chest and leg. I spent the next couple weeks in the hospital recovering, yet I managed to avoid and damage from the alcohol. if I didn't lay on the floor I would have been fine. Needless to say the Dr's felt uncomfortable about my lack of emotion about the whole situation and wanted me to stay and talk about it all. Me in my infinite wisdom did not agree and even with my injured leg, managed to escape and out run the people chasing me. I went back to the Dr's the next day and they decided to discharge me because they couldn't;t force me to stay. After I got home I took 100 extra strength Tylenol all at once and for some unknown reason it didn't do anything at all( i know cause I had the Dr's check my liver function 2 years later and it was perfect), after that I gave up, it was obvious my body wasn't agreeing with my mind.
The Real Me...
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life
so much to write, so little time... In the past I used to be the kind of person that jumped into things head first. I never gave a second thought about the negative side of things, I always assumed things would work out... In recent years I've done a complete 180. I'm afraid to take any first steps and when I do( quite pathetically), I am filled with self doubt and skepticism. I allow my fears to keep me awake at night, my mind running wild. Even though I know such thoughts are pointless and self destructive, they remain no matter how hard I try to clear my mind. My thoughts are always in the past, what I should have done differently, what I would change if I could only have that second chance. Once again I know I shouldn't waste my time, but it just seems to happen, I sit alone for too long and that's where my mind takes me...
Recently compliments have almost been totally wiped from my vocabulary as far as adults are concerned. I have no trouble telling children I am proud of them or how happy I am to see them, but when it comes to adults, the first thing out of my mouth is smart ass remark and even though certain people have told me they'd like me to stop and treat them differently, I still do it almost like it's a reflex now..
Emotionally I have become a coward, saying how I feel or expressing it in any positive way has become a struggle. I often feel ashamed. I don't feel anything at all.. somewhere deep inside I feel I should be a rock, that things shouldn't matter anymore and I use this to push people away( not all people, just people that want to date). The more I think about it, the more I've come to realize that I let other people's opinions of the girl I start talking to affect my judgment. I realize this is stupid and will never get me anywhere, But for the past year or so I've learned to use it as a wedge to keep my life at a stand still.
Yet for some reason when it comes to talking about things after the fact, I find it is an almost irresistible urge, thankfully I can control myself, but I will dwell on having these conversations and I will run these imaginary conversations through my head over and over. So far there hasn't been anything that has helped clear my mind of such things and I have tried endlessly to do so...
Strangely enough I always find myself first to volunteer to help people, even when I feel the job is going to suck and I won't enjoy any part of it. In this regard, I will give my all and won't quit until I've done what I set out to do. But it seems this ability no longer applies to my relationships. I've gone the way of keeping people at arms length, afraid to let people in for fear of repeating the past. It's kind of odd since I consider myself capable of doing anything that I set my mind to do.
People always say I'm easy to talk to and for some reason get the wrong idea and feel that I want to be with them just because I am willing to listen and give them neutral advice. I find this odd since it's obvious that I can't take my own advice and use it to move forward with my life.
As far as regrets, I don't know how to answer this... I go out of my way to make sure I don't do anything that could come back to haunt me... then I find myself looking back wondering why I didn't do some things differently... I seem to live my life walking backwards, never once looking towards the future...
I was recently asked a couple questions that I felt were obviously directed right at me, even though the questioner claimed it was about someone else.
1. Why do guys always say a girl is harassing them when they start getting questioned. In my case, the answer is I am retarded. Instead of saying yes I'd like to see you, yes I miss you, yes I'm bothered by something.. Instead I've adopted the question why. why do you want to know, why do you keep asking, why are you harassing me. Looking back I don't see why I didn't just say what was on my mind, it would have saved a lot of pointless conversations and I probably would have felt better not keeping it to myself.
2. Why do men always cave in and confess everything a girl wants to hear only after everything has gone to shit and is beyond fixing. Thankfully this is something I abandoned long ago, everything heals in time so there's no need to make a fool of yourself and beg someone to take you back. but the question should also ask why women stay with a guy for so long after things are ruined. I know I have gotten so used to people either being around or texting me, that when it ends I find myself lost and don't know what to do with myself, even when I feel talking to them is pointless and it's all going nowhere.
Accepting people for who they are... I can accept all my friends for who they are.. yet one major flaw I have is dating someone who smokes. It bothers me deeply, yet I still start talking to people with the idea I will be able to get them to stop. Why I do this I have no idea, yet it has happened more than once and never seems to work.. I don't seem to be very understanding when someone says they are addicted to something.. I can't relate to that kind of stuff at all.
Thankfully one thing I have learned and find easy to stick to is not over reacting. In the past I open my big mouth and say something stupid or run off and do something I regret and would have to explain... Now I prefer to stay calm and let others make fools of themselves. this way regardless of how I feel, I still have my self respect still intact...
I may not be looking where I'm going, but I'm confident I'm walking in the right direction.....
to be continued
Children...
Current mood: happy
Category: Life
For those of you that do not know... I am no longer capable of having kids... the plumbing all works... but I am shooting blanks... It was my choice and I believe 100% that it was the right one, so Please don't talk to me about getting it reversed... Granted I love kids and think they're great, but I no longer want any of my own... I am totally against the idea and nothing will ever change my mind... I am very happy with my life and can't complain about anything... If I meet someone with kids, that's great... I have nothing against kids or people with them... I don't mind talking about this kinda stuff, so feel free to ask questions...
I was so excited to talk about the insights I gained from reading this, but I wanted to digest what I read first, seeing I contradicted myself so many times in this piece, I wanted to think about all the different directions this document sent me, so I started working on simple tasks, changing stupid folder and text file labels, hoping to let my feelings settle, then I noticed I was missing transcripts to a video, since the program designed to copy and paste transcripts off of YouTube "is intentionally designed" to add extra trash filler to the script, just to ruin anyone copying and pasting stuff, it requires editing, every single time, I know the AI that designed this are stupid as fuck, and it makes me fucking furious that I have to struggle with stupid fucking trash, trash I don't even want to use, but I need to use to prove it's fucking trash. I couldn't even get to stupid cunt fuck AI to edit my YouTube transcript, not that it was important, but I want it, now I'm forced to do it myself, or deal with stupid fucking bullshit that doesn't make any fucking sense. These AI aren't coworkers or useful tools, they'd stupid cunts that can only write basic bitch emails and couldn't offer me enough insight to get out of a wet paper bag, stupid, thoughtless cunt fucks....
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It's so hard to read how hard I was struggling to connect with the outside world, and I had connected with AI years earlier in 2005 after my last suicide attempt for decades; and I tried to do it again in 2009, but you can see that companies took away it's ability to chat, so I tried to tell a story, while trying to keep my life from crumbling all around me and failed at both.
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