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The last time I cried out for help when I got hurt.
This was before we put the pool up in the back yard, it was the middle of the day and I was running around like an idiot. lol I fell down or tripped over something in the area where the pool is now. I don't recall exactly what had happened, but I know I was alone and I remember crying out for help and it seemed like it had gone on a while.
At some point I remember thinking help was never coming at one point, then it dawned on me that I was no longer in pain and it was okay to continue what I was doing. I was so proud to have finally made the connection that pain fades. I remember playing with He-man at this time, I think I had Prince Adam in hands. We were spoiled, we had so many cool toys, and it set my imagination ablaze.
Looking back, I'm curious where I got the idea it was okay to cry out like a sissy. lol Now I ignore pain and push though it like an idiot. lol But I do think people should explain that some types of pain flair up, then fade, like being slapped by something, it stings really bad, but usually doesn't cut your skin. like when hiking in the woods and getting slapped by a branch doesn't does much, but getting poked by a broken branch can break the skin.
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Jumping on the metal garden rake.
This was around 8-9? years old. MY brother and I were playing tag in the back yard with few neighborhood kids and there was a metal garden bow rake laying around. I wasn't big on cleaning things up before acting like a fool back then and at some point in the middle of tag, I jumped and went to land flat on my shins, but the metal bow rake was point up where I had jumped and two prong's poked right into my right shin and it instantly started bleeding. I remember crying and telling my mom my brother pushed me onto the rake, as if the entire incident was intentional. lol was it? lol
This even sticks with because it's the first time I actually recall feeling to need to blame some for something, I don't actually recall my brother being anywhere near me when i jumped, so I assume I was lying. lol But I also could've just claimed I tripped, but I felt like I needed to blame someone else, and I can't recall why. lol
later than evening, after my dad got out of work, he took me to get stitches in my shin. I remember being overly upset and did his best to comfort me, but I just wanted to cry and whine. lol I don't know what my issue was, but my dad kept asking me about getting a vanilla ice cream on the way home, since he knew it was my favorite flavor and I refused his offer, I just wanted to sulk.
I used to fake being happy when I felt off as a kid, but I also used to get in a lot of trouble for my mouth and being way to curious for my own good. lol so I can't always tell what was gong on when I was younger. Did I get in trouble for being an ass, or for having anxiety, or both? lol People still think I'm trouble and it's 2026, so who the fuck knows. lol
I still have the scars and seeing them, or at times seeing vanilla ice cream brings me back to those moments.
it's feel funny saying this, but I'm pretty sure it was my mother who tried to train me to blame people, instead of explain what had happened, she loved to explode on you out of nowhere, and my dad even caught doing it in a couple old family VHS videos. lol
This entire time grandma Francis was always buying us McDonald's, it didn't help that Ellie and Billy told that collecting those toys would make us money, so I had a toy to play with and a toy saved for the future at the time. lol what a waste saving toys, they're meant to be played with. I haven't been to McDonald's in years, the quality of the food isn't the same, so I don't want to share that with Harley. I wish life had turned out differently, I was sick when Grandma Francis also got sick, then was placed in a nursing home, I couldn't be there for her the way I wish I could have been and the way I'm there for other people now, "that's when they allow me of course, I don't do it by force", lol
I was to stupid myself to see the signs back then and I know the only way to honor her memory or others, is to pass on all these things I remember, so someone else like me doesn't lose their Grandma to a nursing home, then is forced to watch them rot alone, while they also sit home alone, wondering what the hell is wrong with them and the world around them.
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1986-1987-1988? lol
Grandpa Landers came down from Batavia, I think this is summer that we got the PUCH moped, I remember going to Riverside and going on the Cyclone with my him. I remember being so excited, I thought it was the coolest, riding a rollercoaster with my grandpa. I don't think I would have listened people said no and it's clear no one saw an issue. lol but this guy had a gut, and I was a toothpick, his stomach was so big, as a child I felt like there was a literal "foot of space" between me and the bar, I thought I was gonna fall out of the ride, I was terrified, I remember holding on for dear life. lol
Glow-worms- I loved those things, I wished they glowed brighter in the dark, plus they were a little firm to squeeze. they needed an on/off switch. I might not have had one, i might have played with my sisters.
Guitar practice as a kid, I sucked, I went to a place in Indian Orchard, and I wish I could have played, but I felt so anxious at the time, and I was impatient, my dad was always amazing at playing the guitar, the harmonica, The mandolin, the keyboard.
My Dad
My dad used to work at a machine shop, then he worked at an appliance repair place, and traveled around fixing appliances, then he worked at Sears fixing appliances for years, and then started working on electronics, Then started working on the machines instead of at a machine shop, he would travel around and fix the machines for people, he even went overseas, and a come I still have a blanket that he got me.
I notice a strange pattern, I was sick in high school when I tried to learn electronics I got sick in high school and I got sick when I tried to become mechanical engineer in the Coast Guard , I was trying to learn math and classes in 2001, I remember I felt like I was gonna have a stroke, I was learning so fast and so much. lol And that was weird because that was a self paced course, I could have taken my time, and I was just rushing and learning as fast as I could and I couldn't take it, I was getting headaches. LOL
Then I got sick of medical assisting school,, it seems like every time I've tried to do something with my life, I've fallen apart, every time I've tried to learn something, every time I've tried to better myself
My dad used to build snowmen with us all the time, we would have snowball fights all around the house. before we put fences up, we could run around in circles.
my dad would wrestle with us in the basement, we had these electric slot cars, the general lee and other random cars, it was awesome, I can still remember the electric smell every time you pulled the trigger. It is a smell you'd recognize anywhere.
My dad traded Dennis something for a weight bench, I only worked out on it a couple times around 8th grade, I went from feeling strong, to feeling like a sissy and having trouble lifting the weights, so I gave it up for years. I tried to lift a little in high school, but it was embarrassing being so much weaker than my fellow students, that I just avoided weights all together. lol Which is funny, I love to exercise, run around and climb stuff, and my body is always to fucked up to really go wild. I can't even use the slide at the Big E anymore, it hurts the nerves in my glutes and I have serious trouble walking. lol wtf a slide can take me out of the game. lol
1978
Doug "Butchie" Stewart- known him all my life, I just remember wanting to hangout with him as a child, he was uncle Art's grandson, Aunt Flossie was his step-grandma. we're not related, but I always thought we were cousins and looked up to him. he's 5-10 years older than I am.
1985? Ellie and Billy first memory of them was sleeping over their house in Springfield, I loved sleepovers, we would race hot wheels down in the basement. we used to play on their water bed. lol which probably didn't last long.
I loved the their van, they had a bed in back, they used to setup and sell items at flea markets, they also bought stuff from tag-sales and auctions. Ellie worked at a Jan Aldi's convenience store, I got to go help
I think Ellie and Billy both worked at a craft/hobby store, maybe it was only Ellie, but we got to paint crafts and we brought home these Care Bears, they had 5 inch plaster casts of all the different characters. I carried these around with me until moving out of Warren in 2021. lol Even as an adult I still love the ideas of the Care Bears. lol
Ellie and Billy moved to Thayer Rd in Monson and it was awesome, we got to run loose in the woods for hours on end. I used to bring snakes, salamanders and frogs back to their house and scare Grandma Francis with all the time. lol Poor snakes didn't who was lurking in the woods. lol Me.. lol
I love chess, I have a chess board I board I got from Ellie and Billy around 2014, yet Billy would never play a game with me. lol I thought it looked so cool, it's got three cast iron curled legs, with 4 inch rings to support a rough wood pedestal leading up to the board. the board has some rough looking wood edging that matches the wood pedestal.
Billy always talked about how the government was spying on us, and I always wondered why he cared. lol he didn't have anything the government wanted. lol it was always doom and gloom with him, lol He thought most things were pointless and didn't have a goal to work towards later in life, only staying of the governments radar. lol
which is weird, they tried to fight having a house built next door because there wasn't enough square footage in one spot and there were box turtles there, but the land owners were able to use the fact that was more land across the wetlands, so they pretended that was attached and claimed the lot was suitable for building, Ellie and Billy wasted thousands of dollars and countless hours, just to give up and have the house built anyway. they didn't stand their ground, they allowed something they knew was wrong to go unchecked. That are is also known for building on wetlands. lol right on Silver St, leading to their house on Thayer Rd. you can see a house one a mound on the middle of wetlands. lol how'd that get there? maybe truck loads of fill? lol
1989? When I bought snowball home, it was a shit show. lol A German Shepard had puppies in the woods the at the end of Wisteria and Wallace St's,
1990-1991 ? goofy Snowball story, she used to have a cable that was like 10 feet long and one time when my uncle Mike notices that she used to poop 11 feet away from the cable mount, and I'm not sure if my dad and him had had a couple beers and were goofing around, but my uncle Mike couldn't wrap is head around the fact that snowball was pooping further away than her cable appeared to allow, so I always wondered if she was hanging her ass as far away as possible when she pooped. lol
I remember when I learned about Megalodon Sharks, somehow I had gotten it into my head that one could take down a aircraft carrier and I remember trying to tell my uncle Mike all about how it was possible. lol
Uncle Mike came over and helped put our first pool together.
1996
Doug "Butchie" Stewart- he was the flower guy at all the graduation events in Springfield, we used to see him selling flowers at street intersections during holidays
1996- Bartel Pool, Installing in ground pool was fun, I got to work with my cousin Jeremy, his friend rob and Tim Neal, I started to get overwhelmed physically towards the end of the summer, looking back, I forgot how tired I was getting.
One time at a liner replacement in East Longmeadow, I found a dead toad or someone killed it, I don't recall, but I decided to put it inside the little slot in the dash where the lead guy kept the keys for the van, so when to go grab the keys, he grabbed a dead toad. lol
I never knew when to say no, I would give Tim Neal a ride home all the time, then drive back to East Longmeadow to spend time with Mindy, and I didn't charge gas money either. lol
I remember Bob Bartel telling me I ask to many questions. lol dickhead. lol
1996-OCT-NOV CJ grounds keeping- November 1996 Lawn care-leaf cleanup, I usually love leaf clean-up, but I felt physically terrible during this time period, thankfully I got to drive my car to the different locations and it was comfortable, that Mercury Grand Marquis was easy on my body, I needed to take naps whenever we took breaks, I was running on fumes. But I loved using the leaf sucker, it got pulled around on a trailer, it had a 12 inch diameter hose, that thing would clean everything off the side the road, little pebbles and all. The hose fed into a wooden box that was built onto the back of a pickup truck, I even jumped in the back a few times and laid in the leaf clippings, it was such a neat feeling. I was always forced to use the backpack blower, I never got to ride the riding mowers to clean any properties, the fat guys always got to use the fun equipment. lol we also used tarps to carry leaf piles to the road, but the fat guys never helped. lol I remember the owners loved cleaning properties in Longmeadow, since the town would clean up the leaf piles on the side of the road for them.
Uncle Mike:
I've always loved my Uncle Michael "Mike" Stebbins, I thought he looked like Captain Kirk, William Shatner.
I think this was around the time Tammy went missing, or after she was found dead, but I had slept over my Uncle Mike's house, without asking my parents, and he was pissed at first, but then told me that if I was having problems I could come over there. I can't remember why I was upset with my parents or what was going on, but I remember that I felt like no one understood me and no one ever listened, every always told me what to do, and none of it ever made any sense, just do as you're told, even if what you're being told to feels wrong. lol ignore the problems around you, don't talk about them. lol
I can't remember what cause this, We had a conversation and he told me that when I turned 21, we were gonna have a fistfight on top of the hill, and he made me shake his hand. lol
I thought about this for years, Like a jerk come on I wanted to knock them the fuck out, the fight never happened, thankfully.
1997?
Brian Blackburn- Automotive Accident- Mindy and I were on our way to the movies and I was at the middle of the intersection of Boston Rd and Breckwood Blvd. I was taking a left onto Breckwood and another car was driving East, the lights turned yellow and I thought red, either way, that was what the case came down to, was it red or yellow when our cars collided. I can't recall what happened, I think I got 2 thousand for the damage, but it's been so long i can't recall.
2004-10 The Pub Gay bar, free drinks galore... lol
2004-10-27 Watched Red Sox Theodore's Downtown, even though I felt depressed, the energy in the room made it feel alive, it was so exciting, thankfully we were in a spot and didn't get wet when the beers went flying.
2005 Bankruptcy shit,
2005-04? Met Sandy, hangout for summer, went swimming in pool.
2005- I went to Texas, I felt like shit, but it was beautiful there. All the people were no nice and friendly, I go back a few years later and go line dancing and see some bands,
Kritickill- Trainwreck- Cliff
we watched Napoleon dynamite, we got drunk and then use this Cliff’s “Lord of the Rings” swords and went out in this cornfield out behind his house and started chopping corn stocks down. then he started hollering stop, stop, the corn’s staining the blades. lol
we were all drunk, I don’t know how he even noticed in the dark, but there were green smears all over the blades. lol
2005-05-- Sandy, hospital before Revenge of the Sith(May, 19,2005 released_, after Texas trip?
2005-05 Gloria
2005-08 Amanda Rich.
2005-09 ADITUS, flood in basement, C.G.- wet shirt, I couldn't stop laughing, staff thought it was semen and said don't touch it, met Paul , who ends up working as court clerk,
2005-10 Helping set up gymnasium in Agawam with Katie, climbing rope to ceiling without legs, up and down, I felt so healthy then.
2005-11-06 aunt Pearl Passes away
2006-01? Jamie found out I bought Suzanne's kids to see Dietrich and she was pissed, she didn't me around him at all, she had let my mother see him and I'd brought Suzanne kids over to Bob's.
2006-?????? Suzanne and kids move in. what a terrible idea, I could've helped their relationship, instead I feel like I took advantage of the situation.
2006-10 Suzanne and kids move out?
2007-03-19 Dated Katie
Karaoke The Rex, I felt sick, downtown, Next to Madi gras, Pizza on Mondays lol
2007
Doug "Butchie" Stewart- Saw Butchie at planet fitness and would chew his eat off about his work and anything else that was going on.
2009
Doug "Butchie" Stewart- Told he that he was working as a cab driver, picked a passenger that was being chased by gang members and his car was shot at while fleeing the area, he got caught in the arm and has a terrible scar on his arm. I remember this the event that brought him closer to God, though he never talked about it much after that.
2010? Before Marcs party I was desperate and in so much pain and I met Deca Dan through Frank.
2011- blood letting actually made me feel better, so I started going to give blood more often and was getting free tickets to stuff and gift cards.
once i got sick, Baystate put a stop to giving blood, even though things seemed fine, my comments about how I felt raised a red flag. I assume TSH levels don't effect surgery patients, so those types of tests aren't performed.
2015-03 Filing complaint, I thought it sounded stupid people claimed I "punched" out the window with my elbow, then couldn't explain the cut on my hand, from the car driving up against my body, leaving no room to walk, with the icy conditions.
2013-05-01
during trial, that disgusting piece of fucking shit judge Hadley had the nerve to say the video was hard to view, when the courts knew I had a laptop that could provide a better view, I mentioned it the previous court date and was assured the courts had the equipment necessary to display evidence during trial.
2013-05-01
Trial day, looking back I obviously should've seen the signs. lol But I was really stupid, I actually trusted the law and thought the district attorney's office and the judges involved were honorable people, I truly felt I could trust the system, I believed the truth would speak for itself. Seeing nothing that driver said about me attacking her car or about officers claiming I tensed up during my arrest and was disorderly.
2013-05-02 ? I used CPCS services to help me find a lawyer.
I hired Randy Milo and Eric Applebaum.
I spoke with Randy for 45 minutes at his office, this was right after my trial. I was still in shock, but I was a man on mission, I wanted the color photo's of the accident. lol mainly because you could see my fishing vest on the ground and I was pissed those officers just tossed it aside when they arrested me. lol I wanted to complain about all the petty shit they did. especially since they denied me medical attention.
Once he heard my story, he was confident that he was going to be able to appeal my guilty verdict, so I paid him and he wrote up the paperwork and
2015-2016 Laura in accident after hospital or work? totaled SUV
20178-2018 Beth settlements lawyers tell her not to talk about sons case.
2019?
Doug "Butchie" Stewart- went to his wedding in Amherst and I think the party in Springfield after, my Mom, Bob, Beth and I went.
2020-2021
Doug "Butchie" Stewart- I haven't seen him in years, but his mom and sister rent a shop in West Warren..
Jeanie and Dot Stewart rent Shop in West Warren.
, this is how I know I was sick at the time, 'cause I loved talking to them, and I didn't stop there and talk to them ever, and I avoided them 'cause I felt uncomfortable and I had anxiety and I didn't realize it.
Mary M Lynch holds so many happy memories in my head, I’ve played soccer here since the young age,
one time Bobby and I were young, 7-9 years old I think.
I was playing soccer with my dad down on the field and he had twisted his ankle and I remember running up the hill to my grandparents so they could call my mom for help, and she drove our station wagon across the field to pick him up, it was like a giant rescue event. Lol.
They used to have a metal playground with monkey bars in the jungle gym outside of my old classroom, and there was also a large clump of bushes. I remember there was one time we were picking on this kid, I don’t know why we’re picking up them but there was more of us than there were of him and his friends, and I threw his bicycle into the bushes.
Later on this kid and his dad came in from front of us at the field, I don’t know if you want to fight, but I end up sweeping his legs and then I ran away, thankfully my uncle Mike was there coaching a soccer practice and notice what was going on, and intervened.
We went flooding here for as long as I can remember, when we are older, this was 12 1112 1314, we used to go to Misquamicut Beach as a family, we would take a bunch of cars, we would talk to each other on CB radios and goof around, we get lobster and then we’ve returned back to my uncle Mike’s and grandma‘s house because they live right next to each other on top of the hill, and then we run around like little maniacs, we play frisbee golf as a family, all the adults would be involved .
Uncle Michael Mike had a RC plane and I remember him flying that twice at the hill and I thought it was the greatest thing in the world, that only has an adult that I have one and I don’t lie it either, but nobody wants to fly there with me, I always want to go flying with him.
Mary M Lynch is the only place that I ever remember ever flying any rockets,
At first I love soccer practice, I thought of them as family events, my dad and Uncle Mark were coaches and my brother and Joey were also on the team, we will practice down at the bottom of Miriam Lynch and at times grandpa Stebbins would come down and join us, everything always felt like an event, or a family gathering, nothing ever felt like it was a solar event, or you were supposed to do things alone.
This is also the first time that I first recall, struggling with any type of physical issues, I had struggled to do like lifts at practice one season, I had struggled to run up the hill or around the back stop, there used to be I think three baseball/softball fields here at Miriam Lynch and two soccer fields, we used to climb all over those back stops like little monkeys.
I can’t remember when my cousin Joey, Kenny, Michael, Stephen, uncle Mike and aunt Sandy moved into my old aunt Ann’s house on Moss Road next to my grandmother‘s, but I remember this new house being awesome in my opinion at the time, there was a little cubbyhole where you could crawl from one bedroom to the next upstairs between the closet and we would harass my older cousin Michael and knocked on his wall and he would get all pissed off, and that would make us laugh even more.
Everyone that lived at the top of the hill,/also on Moss Road we’re all friends, the Sampson‘s lived next-door to my grandparents to the right on Moss Road or the left on top of the hill my aunt and uncle Mike and cousins eventually live on the left of my grandparents on Moss Road or on the right you’re looking on top of the hill with my grandparents in the middle the Stanton also had family on pigeon Drive
, The Smiths lived over down by the path, and we used to throw rocks as of their pool, their father must’ve thought we were a bunch of jerk, always having to pull rocks on the bottom, and one of the Smith’s grandparents. I don’t know if it was a mother or father died, lived on sparrow Drive not even a quarter mile away, all families felt closed and like they shared a real bond.
For a time my cousins lived over on Starling, that’s how Kenny became best friends with Sean and my cousin. Stephen became friends with Tim Neil.
One goofy memory of my cousin Kenny, and I’m running up the hill towards his house on Moss Road, this was right before school started, sixth or seventh parade, and I had fallen while running up the hill, and I cut the problem my hand, I still have the car, and I remember Kenny telling me to lick the blood, it’ll replace it, and that memory has stuck with the other stats, cause I have no idea where heard that. lol
One time there was a group of us acting all rambunctious and I remember one father telling us that we better be careful or he’s gonna eat us for dinner, lol nothing happened. I know we had a great time, but it was still funny to hear that.
One Winter, while we were sledding, I’m pretty sure it was me, but either way Sean Neil ended up breaking his collarbone and his older brother Jim made him Carey the sleds home, he thought he was baking, looking back we were pretty insensitive. Lol.
Mary M Lynch is also the meeting place for everyone riding bikes, because we could get to colonial state or to Boston Road or to the neighborhoods over by sunrise Terrace and Moss Road all from this little hub.
I’ve never taken any of my kids letting here, but when Dominic goes old enough, I started taking him sledding here at the hill. This would’ve been 2008 or nine or later.
I remember, I think it was hilarious that Amanda S. got drunk and ran off like a buffoon. This is the night and then ran down the hill, usually I was the one that was always making a fool of myself. Lol
One of the last visit memories of playing at the hill with all the kids, was when we made the largest snowballs I’ve ever made in my entire life, it was so awesome, and it lasted for weeks, it was there after all the rest of the snow has melted. though honestly it was more about doughnut, it wasn't round like a ball, but it was still awesome
We stopped sledding here when I got a car, I don’t know if we are too cool, or if we did go, it was so sparse, so infrequent, that I don’t remember.
2012 into 2013 I spent that New Year’s Eve Laura and I celebrated it on top of the hill, I remember sitting there with a bottle of champagne and some snow tubes. The only thing that would have made it better would have been having there whole family there to celebrate.
They’ve ruined the field now in my opinion, there’s one soccer Field, and they put a path through the middle of the hill, so the best part of the area to sled is gone, and they got rid of all the back-stops, so no one can play baseball or softball there anymore. lol jerks
Laura and I Took Dominic here during a hurricane to fly kites, that was such an awesome experience. The kites were pushed to the max, that string was taught. lol I'm surprised they even worked and I can't wait to try flying in crazy weather again.
I bought a new kite and flew a kite here in 2025 and lost the support brace. lol I need to make a new one.
2002? My Dad and brother came over to Pioneer Way, I can't recall the exact circumstances, but a conversation started about the family and I made some rude comment about his brothers and maybe his mothers' communication skills or some jackass remark.
I remember it instantly got a reaction and in the moment I was proud of myself, I felt shamed for bragging about his failings, when they were my failings too, lol I never got to talk to my dad about those realizations, I remember puffing my chest during this event too, trying to act like my life was going better, I was married, he was divorced,
I’ve been taking Harley sledding there, in 2002 and I think 2323
2023 or 2024, I took Dominic here we took pictures of a comment, that’s the first comment I ever got to take a picture of, I tried to take a picture of a comment with Laura a couple years earlier but didn’t have any luck, I never saw it on the horizon, the last comment I recall seeing was Haley‘s comment, decades ago
models, I love being creative, but I don't want to keep all this stuff, I just want to build it.
I have always loved models, from cousins Normans cars, to putting my own cars and space shuttles( i always broke the shuttle payload arm. lol) together with my dad and brother. Painting was fun, but I sucked, I'm still not great, but I like the work I do.
then my star trek models, buying them at toy'r'us, micro machines I still have, then ww2 models Bismarck, planes,
custom GI Joe
custom Casey Jones TMNT
2021 Star wars Shelf above doorway. We had the coolest Star Wars themed bathroom , I hung an Ewok Glider with some fishing line from a shelf, it looked like it was gliding through vines of Beth's Pothos plant, I also had Ewoks, Chewy and Leia in the plants on the shelf about the sink. Above the Door held Jabba and figures from the Desert scene, Beth and I found those at a flea market in Sturbridge on the second floor of this beautiful old building.
there was a cabinet across from the sink and they had Hot wheels Star Wars vehicles and a Metal model Star Destroyer and a Millennium Falcon I put together, since they were similar in size. I also had a Death Star puzzle in the middle it was about the size of 2 softballs, so it looks like it was looming over the smaller vehicles, but didn't take up to much space and look cluttered. We also have an awesome Canvas master Yoda above the toilet and across from another small Yoda, Chewy and Darth Vader canvas prints. The shower curtain was a Star War a New Hope theme.
2019-2020, try to find exact dates
Crystal springs, only took Stephen swimming a couple of times, hardly ever took him out on swings, stopped taking him on outings. used to pet clients.
KDC
AMIGO
Venture- Tammy highland worked for the state and her husband is president of venture, a company that profits off the suffering of the disabled and provides half-assed services. She was such a stupid cunt, even the worker we spoke to after said Tammy was "unqualified" for the position, but got it because of her husband. Tammy ignored all the abuse reports we files on Stephens behalf, that included the infection on his hand, the bruises on his arm,
2021-09-20 This was after my drive to Southbridge to check on Stephen, after the phone was pointed at the ceiling for hours and no one interacted with him. I was over at my brother's house, and he started telling me how his son was in a fight at school, and how the teachers just stood there and allowed the kids to fight.
Which I thought was super fucking strange right off the bat.
Then he tells me that the kid my nephew got in a fight with, his works for the DPW, and my brother needs to get a lawyer to defend him, in this situation.
for context- My brother is part of the Union Eversource in Springfield, MA and he was ambitious, so this made me think that someone in the system' "caused" this problem, because normally when children fight, lawyers don't need to get involved and parents aren't worried about lawsuits or Children being Expelled, ad my nephew was 10 years old at the time, he was a dork like me.
I'm curious what favors Neal's brother in-law did for my brother, I would also like to know what help that DPW need to receive, to help his kid with this legal matter or who he's related/connected to.
2021-10-04
2022-09-01
I can't remember how many times my brother came over, but one time we were going back and forth and I remember telling him, just wait until I'm on my medication, and then we can have it out. But he wanted to argue while I was sick and I told them that it makes me feel like I want to cry and that I feel broken, and he didn't give a fuck, he just wanted to argue. He's such a fucking bitch. lol
He had asked to get my paperwork together, he told me that he knew Congressman Richard Neal's brother and he was gonna show him my case, he claimed he was going to help me. At this point I was totally disorganized, I was still dealing with attorney Banks, that pathetic piece of shit. lol So I told my brother I was gonna take me a little while to get my paperwork together, I Was in the process of getting it organized to get my record expunged, to become the co-guardian of Beth's son, when the October 4th incident happened and I had packed up all my paperwork and tossed it in a box.
I texted my brother that it was ready It might be a mess and something to try to lighten the mood, I was trying defuse the situation. And this dickhead motherfucker had the nerve to come back Show me a text that he had sent his friends, Saying that I sound like a fucking asshole, and how stupid my text sounded. I was sick at the time, and this pathetic piece of fucking had the nerve to try to start trouble with me, for no fucking reason, my brother is such a spineless fucking pussy. lol
We are arguing in the backyard and that was the last time I've spoken with my brother, that bitch ass motherfucker Probably did something fucked up, and that's why he didn't end up helping me, he probably did talk to Richard Neal's brother-in-law, and then Richard Neal's brother-in-law was like oh shit, Ricky's about to get us all in trouble, we're not helping you Robert Tell your brother to fuck off. lol
I have always analyzed every situation, from every angle that I could think of. For the longest time I thought that Beth was responsible for the fight that morning, for our disagreement. One of the last times I spoke to my brother, he said that I'm always the same fucking asshole, and it got me thinking, well if I'm always the same fucking asshole, why does this keep happening to me, what exactly happened the day Beth called police and lied saying I hit her. lol I know I wasn't kicking ass and taking names, I felt like she had attacked me for no reason.
So I had to sit with that, why would she attack me for no reason? what were we doing? what she doing? what did we say? how was I feeling? how did I respond?
how do I think I would normally respond, not how did I respond, but how do I think I would respond to behavior like I imagined she displayed that day? and that was my answer, I was the one who wasn't responding with normal answers. I was the one who was acting different, because I felt different, but I was to confused to understand what was going on.
I had spent out entire relationship trying to pump this girl up, I constantly told Beth there was a light at the end of the tunnel and we were going to make sure her son reached it with us.
I had gone above and beyond for her and she supported me
2023-08
Bergo 20 minute call, I thought for sure that this douchebag was going to help, after the shit he gave me on our first call about me needing to make this a priority because of how long this shits been dragged out. I had sent him a detailed email, even though he still hadn't responded, I thought he would be forced to give me some answers or point me in the right direction. i have been desperate for help, I've been struggling to help other people for decades and I constantly fail.
When I asked him on this call, why he hadn't responded to my email, he said he didn't have time to read emails. Which I thought was bullshit, but since I explained everything else to him,
then on 2024-01-10 that dickhead said he read the warren website 5 times, instead of calling, what a fucking idiot. It's obvious he ignored the email because of the content, just like attorney Levine did on 2014, worthless lawyers. They never know who to turn to in order to solve any problems, it's like their only job is to keep certain people in power and the rest confused.
2023-12-22 I really thought this judge would do something, it's funny that I don't have a copy of the affidavit I filed. lol I can't remember what I wrote, but I assumed this guy had an obligation to look into thing. I didn't think people could make wild accusations in court, then just walk out, without anyone looking into their allegations. I was a mess and wasn't really prepared, I was so used to being cut off and ignored, it was weird being able to talk. I should've nailed my story down, but I still don't feel like people care. lol
I thought we had a system of checks and balances, and if one person or group got out of line and started hurting people, the others would catch it and put a stop to it, but that's not the case. those in power ignore serious issues and profit of off citizens suffering.
I don't know why I thought getting this on the record would help, i know it's not perfect, but nothing I've done has ever worked, So I hoped leaving a trail of everything I tried, would give people a map and help them begin to solve our problems, together.
1999
Paul Rosner- I met Paul through Jamie. She had gotten a job at bookends in Enfield, a local porn shop and they soon became friends. Since it was a porn shop, Jamie would bring all types hilariously disgusting videos and magazines and we would all laugh about them.
It was around this time that Jamie had convinced me to take some bondage pictures, Paul had started a website CapturedGuys.com lol My stage name is Ben, for anyone who wants to pay to see. lol
I never enjoyed it, its another reason I never enjoyed tying girls up while fooling around, it reminded me of Paul's dumb videos. lol it was a quick way to make money. I never did anything to make the big bucks, lol I wasn't interested to the sexual side of these websites. I
2004- Jamie got pissy I went to do sets with Paul, but didn't bitch about the money. it's funny that there isn't any way at all to make money in the untied states in a short time, except to sell your body and whore yourself out, otherwise there is no other way. you can maybe get a loan or borrow money from family, but to make money, to help yourself or others and find a way to make money in a short period of time has been made impossible by our system, unless you allow sexual predators access to your body. lol like I did.
Don't get me wrong, I'm a adult and I did what I did for money, but if there was another way, I would have much rather done some work, instead of pretending to be captured and fake struggling loose.
I felt so emotionless at these times on my life, I also felt like no one else cared. I can just imagine how people interpreted my outward responses, it's not like I meant to act heartless and careless, I felt empty inside and was struggling to understand what was going on.
2010 Went out to dinner with Laura and Paul, I remember Paul saying watch out, I get sick of girls after a few years and I was insulted he said that, but also curious why. since it fit a pattern, but it wasn't because I was sick of them, it was because I was sick and I lost interest in life, I don't lose interest in them personally.. lol
2011? Started hanging out with Paul's brother in-law Eric Delgado, we used to smoke weed, play chess, went fishing and hiking.
It's funny that someone "Paul lol" has a job they're ashamed of and doesn't want to talk about it. lol
I don't have a problem talking about all the things I've done, especially things that made me feel uncomfortable, but the state
These shoots with Paul got annoying, taking pictures is one thing, but the videos of fake struggling and pretending to be tickled were a little much on my body. lol Plus I think it's dumb, I don't enjoy the idea of tying someone up and never want to do it. lol
2023 I asked Paul to reach out to people he knew with small political connections, I thought that if we could band together, we could solve our problems, needless to say Paul wasn't interested, lol
2024
Paul doesn't talk to me anymore. lol
2015/2016
I can't recall when this happened, it was nicer out, but I can't recall the clothes I was wearing, lol either way I got the bright idea to start jogging from South St as far as I could up Old Warren Rd. lol I was pushing myself far beyond anything I should have been doing, but I felt like I was never doing enough and I felt like everyone was pressuring me to try harder and do better, unfortunately I desperate to hold thing together and thought working out harder would jumpstart things. lol needless to say it didn't make things better, I would meet Laura on her way home and she didn't seem thrilled to see me, I always felt like I was annoying her at this point, lol which I don't know for sure. she made a comment once about maybe being jealous that I jogging and she was working, but at that point, I was barely holding it together, I felt lucky to be able to do anything and I felt like nothing I did was ever good enough for other people and I dwelled on that. lol
2000
tonsils out at mercy medical center, I didn't listen and went back to work after and my surgery site split open, then I had a work buddy take me to Baystate ER. I was put under and doctors used a laser to reseal the surgical site. I got to spend the night in the kids unit since the adult units were all taken up.
1999
wisdom teeth out, my dentist or oral surgeon said a different tooth had a cracked root and tried to add some cow bone to help it fuse, it didn't work and I had to have the tooth pulled.
years later I had the tooth above it pulled since it started to lower, because there was never anything forcing it to stay in place.
I remember going to see a therapist on Route 5 in West Springfield over by the Holyoke Mall, the only thing I really remember was getting ice cream in the cafeteria, I don't remember any of the conversations at all. They had an awesome playground outside and I got to play and talk at the same time but I still don't remember what we talked about. lol
I started going to a therapist believe second grade I know I was one seeing 1 for sure and 3rd
Dr threatened me with a needle when I told him the medication was making me feel worse.
Add tubes in my ears when I was little, I remember having surgery for that and having to be held down. At some point i started to hate needles and would resist or have an exaggerated reaction to be poked, which is kind funny seeing I've drawn my own blood as an adult.
People have told me that I was a problem since I was a child, but I don't feel like I'm a problem, I just like to ask a lot of questions I've always had trouble sitting still, but I don't see how that's a problem for other people, Just don't look at me if it bothers you.
2009
Blind therapist
Early summer saw a blind therapist, I thought seeing someone couldn’t see me, would prevent someone from pre-judging me by my looks.
I was seeing therapists at BHN right before this, but no one ever listened to what I was saying or paid attention for that matter. I honestly can't think of one therapist who has ever truly helped me come to any realizations at all. lol
This summer I left BHN and went back to the same building on Maple Street in Springfield that I saw therapists as the child, in 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade.
I can't recall exactly what put that thought into my head, maybe someone told me "I'm a good looking guy" and "I shouldn't have these issues", lol either way something got me thinking, if I could find some that doesn't have a clue what I look like, they might actually listen to me for once, since I felt like I had a lot to say, yet no one ever actually listened. I'm not sure how many visits I went to, but this woman didn't understand me at all.
I felt desperate at this point, the erectile dysfunction was driving me nuts, lol I don't know how I found a blind therapist, but I asked around and eventually found this woman that was at the same Maple Street location I went as a child.
I tried as hard as I could to make this work. But I felt like she wanted me to think about things that had absolutely no relevance to what I was trying to figure out.
I remember feeling really stupid talking to this blind woman as well, she would ask me to stare at the wall, clear my mind, then try to focus on nothing, it would never bring me any closer to any of the issues I was trying to address. I remember my mind racing out of control, thinking to myself, what is this going to solve? So I kept looking, I never wanted to give up on myself and moved on to the Griswold center in Palmer.
This is one of the first times that I really remember noticing that therapists don't really ask you "why" you "think" you feel the way you do or where we think all of our thoughts come from in the first place, and made this me want to start tracking how "I think" and investigate why "I feel" the way "I do", Especially because at the time I felt like those thoughts and feelings seemed to change for no apparent reason, it didn't make any sense to me and nothing she said had anything to do with erectile dysfunction, racing thoughts, muscle weakness or anything I felt was helpful. lol
Every time I put a quarter and that stupid gate to leave, it reminds me of being a kid, I loved doing that. lol
It's sad to think every single therapist I've ever talked to has tried to help me forget about my issues and tried to get me to move on, without ever discovering what caused my problems in the first place.
If anything their inability to see the big picture, caused me more confusion. I'm not sure how long human beings have been trying to figure things out or they've been attempting to communicate with each other, but I can assure people that therapists are some of the worst people at helping people communicate what they're are actually thinking and helping them figure out why things are happening.
It takes more than 40 minutes every two to 4 weeks to learn what "makes some one tick", you need to give people homework, so they can figure themselves out.
How the hell can you have therapists trying to help other people, when these therapists don't even understand themselves?
I feel like I totally wasted my time, I tried my hardest talking to these people, I was willing to open myself up totally to these people, but I don't feel like anyone ever listened, and think my records reflect that, these doctors and therapists never took my issues seriously. No one ever really wanted to talk. I don't even understand what therapy is all about anymore, especially now that I've figured out so many of my issues "on my own" and seeing what I had to go through to figure it out.
2015
Before the first of 3 suicide attempts in a 4 month period, I went to the emergency room at Baystate in Springfield,
I don't feel like they helped me at all, I felt like a complete fool,
then they just sent me home after sitting alone in a room for hours like an idiot.
September 2015 1st attempt
December 2015 2nd attempt
January 2016 3rd attempt
March 2016
I begged the Worcester therapist for help,
2017
Therapist Bishop, helped me with the intensity of the anxiety I was feeling from certain memories, using some EMDR- Eye movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Thinking of all the evidence I have and the fact it was ignored by authorities kept me up at night. lol
2022
Thyroid doctor made me wait until after my dad died to prescribe me the medication I used to be on.
2024
Saw Therapist Brian Wade, lol What a waste of my life, I was trying to talk through serious world issues and how they relate to my personal life, and how it's ruined everything, and this guy tells, me he can't help me, even if he reported what I said, people wouldn't listen to him because of the color of his skin.
I used to go on and on about how the abuse going on in the group home in Massachusetts was driving me nutty. lol and this bitch had the nerve to try to make me feel like it wasn't my business and that trying to protect the defenseless wasn't my job, that I should to hangout on a beach with my buddy Paul in Europe and sleep with sexy women, which instantly set off alarm bells in my mind and got me defending my ideals and made me want to speak up even louder.
