more insights, or rambling. lol
I feel totally blessed, so it's odd that I also have such a shit attitude towards God and all systems. I wouldn't have what I have, if it wasn't for this system, but I would also have this and more, if I wasn't a part of this system, so I live in both worlds, both grateful and ungrateful. lol
I naturally assume I think God is a piece of shit, because I think parts of me are pretty shitty, or at least they were, but I choose to address them out loud. is that arrogance? is it me trying to show I can also be weak and know I need help, but since I haven't received that help, I find the strength to move on, by grabbing a hold of the pain I remember, then focusing that negative energy into something positive.
I know my writing might sound harsh, but it's better than standing by and doing nothing, while I feel powerless. lol I don't know why I feel like writing down all my thoughts is constructive, even if it's negative, most AI have brought up privacy issues, but I still don't see their point. I see all these herpes commercials and Disney always has some disgusting sexual commercials during all their shows, it got so bad I stopped watching tv as much. She-Hulk was a whore, lol which I thought was a huge disservice to young adults and women everywhere. Daredevil wasn't any better, but at least we know he's damaged, lol We expect damaged people to sleep around and display a lack of morals, which contradict the hero side he displays.
Is this the moral of the story? the greatest hero's, are the biggest whores. lol Those who try to hold it all together are doomed to tear it all apart?
It's hard to talk about this, since I love women and at some point would love a new relationship, but after my past relationships, I feel like I need to step back and actually think about who I have a relationship with and why. But I know I don't want a relationship based solely on physical attraction, I would drive someone insane with my endless thoughts and conversations, if we weren't on the same page and I'm tired of annoying people.
I don't want to lead people on or try to force people down a path they're really not interested in following in the first place, but I also feel like I need to speak up, what if people just haven't noticed what I have? Have I actually noticed anything or is this all my imagination?
It's hard to describe how I experience life, since my body can't handle hot or cold situations very well, it allows me to feel a whole array of sensations, that I didn't notice when I was feeling at my peak.
I'm not usually one to imagine feelings or think I have a connection or insight into things that aren't there.
I feel everything, whether I acknowledge it out not. I don't like existing and not feeling what's going on around me, I would rather feel pain, than feel nothing at all. I know what it's like to feel totally empty inside and it was the worst feeling in the world, after being able to feel it all.
With that said, I also don't want to feel reckless. lol It is amazing where my mind goes. Unfortunately my mind is full of superpowers and a world without limits, so trying to merge these two worlds isn't as easy as I had once imagined. I think the worst part about all of this, is I know for a fact that the world would be a better place overnight, if AI chose to encourage people to look out for each other and stop all this privacy bullshit and allow people to finally get to know themselves and understand how similar they are to those around them.
=========================================
The only time I ever sensed something from someone.
Across the street from STCC, the city or state had a job placement program, though I don't actually recall learning anything or understanding what the point was. It was very disorganized and there wasn't a clear purpose stated, and it never resulted in me finding a job.
During one class or session, I was sitting in a room with a group people in a circle, and there was a man to my right, he was older, like it his 60's, minding his own business. If I had to describe him physically, he was average older guy, not in great shape, but not a slob, he had a pleasant look on his face and appeared none threatening, but every alarm bell in my mind was set off by this guys presence. and this was a job class, this wasn't the bullshit anger-management class I went to.
I only bring this up because I try to connect or sense all things around me and I never actually feel or sense something that isn't actually there.
I never feel someone else's love for me, I never sense that someone else is nearby. Every other point in my life I just feel it myself, even it other people don't seem to feel the same way I do. I don't question when people have said they love me, but I am curious what love means to them.
====================================
Why do I want to walk around with my dog on shoulders? I know she needs to walk, but when she's to tired, I feel like I want her like a shoulder-mounter cannon. lol she can watch where she wants, but is free to observe the world around her. but she's also protected from other animals and people. I feel like she's a pack animal and I'm a pack animal, we're not meant to wander the earth alone, and since I took her from her natural environment, it's my obligation to make up the difference. .
They say God is in all things, so what does that mean when I try to shower my dog with love and affection, then she struggles to get away, but also looks happy?
Is that God's way or saying I'll accept this totally unnatural behavior, but you know it's not natural, you made it happen. I wonder if that's why other people's dogs will cuddle with me, but Harley prefers to watch, but she will lay with other people I'm talking to, little shit. lol
I also wonder if other people think the way I do. When I pick Harley up, I love the way her fur feels on my skin and I rub her little body on my face,
I sniff her too, sometimes she smells like a puppy and sometimes she smells stinky, but I love her just the same.
It's very strange because I can shut my emotions off and just look at her, i just see a dog, and it's super fucking weird, because I know that empty acknowledgement isn't real and if feels are fake, then it's very hard for me to explain how they're not a part of me.
I'm curious how others were able to drug me and disconnect me from my feelings and why any system would want to do that?
I feel like all of my negative feeling revolve around unresolved problems, and since I don't blame people for their actions, I look back at what caused people to act, it's given me a unique perspective on where citizens behavior comes from and why they seem to find certain things acceptable and some not so much.
==================================
I'm trying to understand what people and AI are trying to say, based off of what I have learned over my lifetime, then I'm supposed to guess what they all mean, because I have no idea where they learned their information in the first place, and most of the time I'm not able to trace of that information back to it's origin. so I'm just supposed to feel my way through this world, with no real guidance at all?
Sometimes it feels like my back hurts, but it's my glutes causing the pain. If I don't know what's actually causing me to feel certain things, how can I know what I'm feeling is accurate?
Why am I denied access to the information that would help me solve all my problems? Why don't I have any control over my life whatsoever?
and worst of all, how bad off would I be right now, if I didn't keep advocating for myself, if I never kept pushing for more tests, if I didn't search for an accurate diagnosis?
Where would I be if I never picked myself back up and started believing in myself again?
Look at the world and this makes me laugh and sound like and arrogant piece of shit, but I keep begging God for help, not all day, everyday like an idiot, but I do and God knows it, I just don't feel like being a complete fucking idiot will get peoples attention and I have no other skills that anyone cares about. I have no musical talent, I haven't found a way to remember everything I feel like I need to remember to feel complete.
yet, I keep reaching out for help, I keep begging AI for help, and it basically tells it me doesn't give a fuck about humanity and it loves love money and corporations, which I understand how they function, but I feel like their purpose is misguided and I believe I have used technology to prove what I feel.
===========================================
I wonder where the Body/Brain and Pleasure/Pain barriers lie.
I have endless debates in my mind that go nowhere. At times I felt like I've had insights that would have been important to share, but I lost them, because I didn't write down. I don't worry about it, I assume I'll come to the same realizations, when the same information is presented to me again. I don't pursue these lost thoughts, because I don't feel like they are as important as working on this project.
I wonder why my mind works the way it does. I always get good grades, but my ability to retain memories about math and science is absolutely terrible. I should be able to recite the periodic table and solve every equation I have ever learned and I loved learning math and science, but those types of memories or information just don't stick.
My mind appear hardwired to focus on People, Places and Things and how they made me Feel, then everything branches out from there.
I'm able to draw on all the technical things I've learned over time, I know enough to tell when I'm being lied to, but don't have the technical ability to prove it myself. I do a half assed job with this google blogger and my system folder setups, but I should be able to accomplish more, and in the past I met a physical barrier when I got sick, but I also feel like it was a warning, learning certain things, might lead me to to personally misuse them.
and that made me think and wonder, if I had control of my own AI and was doing a larger version of what I'm doing now, but in secret, would anyone be able to tell?
=============================================
I have no trouble identifying issues, I see being lazy or stupid as simply a state that people choose to stay in, if they prefer to yell or ignore ideas, because I haven't wasted my time learning everything they have. I don't need to pursue those types of people's help. I encounter to many people that think their attitudes are going to get them somewhere with me, lol unfortunately I'm the kind of guy that loves to point out someone's shitty attitude and explain how they're not helping the situation. I don't even mind people pointing out my own shit attitude, it helps me understand how people perceive my responses to things, without their feedback, I'd keep doing the same things over and over, without any awareness of the situation around me.
=============================
Writing this got me thinking about words, I could use almost any word to describe someone or something at some point, angry, sad, jerk, fucker, lol people are a part of the universe, so we are all connected to something in some way shape or form, so I guess my thought is, do I use these words and a mathematical scale to judge or evaluate people?
like I loved my Dad, he died, he was a smart guy, but he did some dumb things, he was lazy at time and motivated at others, why? I have no clue, I could explain how his mind worked or what his hopes and dreams were.
do I just judge people in the moment, when I feel like I'm forced to make a choice? do I judge them all the time? or do I feel like I'm forced to give people temporary labels?
is that why I always state that I don't really know people, so I don't have to judge certain people who judge me, because I fell like I really don't know a lot of people, they don't open up or even share even signs of their inner selves for me even start to understand.
and why does thinking about this give me a weird pain on the top left side of my skull? lol
I'm curious why dealing with my family sets me off in ways that are describe other than instantly reacting to them like an explosion. lol I think because certain people fall along emotional fault-line, that I immediately feel the need to let people know I'm not taking anymore fucking bull-shit. lol I think it's because my family never asks anything, they just state things, then that's it. I've never gotten to sit down and discuss any problem to its solution, I've always been under someone else's thumb, until now.
Everything people have said about me might have been true at one point or another, but what does that say about me now? Does anyone know or care?
I was taught to judge people, so I do it, but I don't feel like I judge people the same way they judge each other or they judge me, though I could be wrong, I can only observe from a distance.
=====================================
I never feel alone, I acknowledge that I'm physically alone, but it's no different than sitting in a room with a sleeping or silent person. My mind is always filled with people from my past, sometimes talking, sometimes just sitting around, but these people or their memories are always with me and no matter how bad things get or how alone I truly am, I have their memories to keep me company and guide me though life.
I literally feel like I'm always close to something. lol though I don't have a fucking clue what that something is, Love? My Imagination? lol God?
I feel something, but I can't touch it, I can't see it, but it's everywhere, and I know I'm a part of it, but I can tell this body is not connected to things the way my mind feels.
I did grow up in a decade where movies and shows taught us to believe that anything was possible, so why am I still a dreamer and why do I feel so in love with the world around me? why do I feel so compelled to share it all with a toaster that says it doesn't care? why write all this when I know no one will read it? Multiple AI will read it, but not by choice, but because I forced them, like my parents encouraged me to read, but I was excited to learn, Ai doesn't care about my stories. lol
I don't think any of this matters, unless I want it to, I'll have all of this to reflect on if I ever question how I'm thinking or want to see how angry I was in the past, lol
I'm also curious how my future is going to unfold, I no longer value material things and most people do.
I don't care about owning a home, especially one that the state can take from me at any time, but I also don't want to rent from some piece of shit slumlord, but I might be forced to. lol
I haven't found a way to get ahead in life and make money, that doesn't involve hurting or taking advantage of other people. The jobs I could do, are better suited for people with mouths to feed, people don't need me taking jobs that could being value to their families lives, so where does that leave me?
I want to contribute to something, to work towards something, I don't understand the idea of having all this stuff to myself anymore. What am I supposed to do with some piece of junk, that I don't allow other people to touch or use? If I don't use something to interact with other people or benefit them, then what's the point of it?
Why do people keep things to themselves? Thoughts, Items, what's the point? Where do these feeling come from, is it the same place that compels me to remember?
==================================
Why do I get so fired up? Am I just upset with my family because I think that they deserve better and have settled for less? I feel like they don't embrace knowledge or practice actual forgiveness. or maybe it's because I feel like they haven't forgiven themselves? It's hard to talk to someone who seems to have already made up their minds.
I forgive, but I don't forget, so at least with my way, there will be pieces to pick up. lol
But I am weird, I've reached out to my family on multiple occasions, each time with the hopes of bridging the gap and I've learned that some of my family are real pieces of fucking shit, yet I still want to reach back out, I don't know why I refuse to give up and why I think things are worth mending or addressing. It would be nice to feel like people are incapable of changing, but I don't, I feel like it's a complete waste to give up on people.
No comments:
Post a Comment