Why won't you explain what you mean?

Why won't you explain what you mean?

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How do you teach kids to become the men and women you hope they become if you don't explain why you're doing what you're doing?

How can you make sure that someone truly understands what you're saying if you don't have a conversation about the subject after the fact?

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Too many times I was told to do as I say, not as I do, but I didn't understand either and was expected to keep moving forward.

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All my life, I can remember asking people lots of questions. I don't always like what people say, and I might not agree with the answers, but I'm always happy when I hear something, since I feel like it beats being ignored. 

. To be clear, I don't mean yes-or-no type responses. I mean I'm happy when someone takes the time to talk about something, and I'm never disappointed to learn new things about people, even if we don't see eye to eye. 

I have always wanted to understand what people were talking about. So, for the last couple of years, I've been trying to fight the system, trying to help some disabled friends deal with their issues, and I've been trying to map out my life story as I go along.

I grew fast as a kid, so my time being allowed to climb on or getting to be carried by certain people was cut short. I mean piggyback rides and being carried on people's shoulders. I felt like I got left out of a lot of fun because of being too large for those around me, but it was fun to carry other people around and give kids rides on my shoulders or play games like chicken in the pool once I really grew into my skin. 

I can remember being told to knock it off, that I was too big, yet no one elaborated on what I should "knock off" doing, and I didn't know what being too big meant. Since other kids got to do what I wanted to do, it took years for me to learn how to backtrack my thoughts and figure things out myself. There didn't appear to be anything different going on, and no one was willing to sit or explain anything to me, so it pushed me to talk to myself in my head and debate myself about all the different possibilities.

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For the better part of my childhood, I got to stand in the corner, or stand at the sink with soap in my mouth, but it never got me to stop talking, and it never solved any problems.

Who came up with the idea of having children stand in the corner?

Did people think shame would help kids figure out their issues on their own?

It's strange to actually remember being a child around 9 years old and talking to myself in my head while standing in the corner for 30 minutes or less, maybe less at times, but it was enough for me to really start debating myself about what other people were thinking or their motivations. Though I'm sure it was more basic, it was still the start of my really analyzing everything people say and do. 

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I don't understand why parents would allow kids to watch shows like the 3 stooges, but man, did I love this growing up, and that love caused me to get in trouble on more than one occasion. 

In 2026, I attempted to watch Ernest Saves Christmas, but I found it so absurd that I had to shut it off.  I think I lasted maybe 10 minutes before all of the accidents that were caused and then laughed at made me feel so uncomfortable that I couldn't take it anymore. 

I also remember watching The Good Son and laughing when Mr. Highway was tossed off a bridge and caused a massive accident. I can't imagine laughing at something like that as an adult, but I remember finding it hilarious as a kid.

Why wouldn't adults explain how dangerous these situations would be in real life and the consequences that would follow? Life isn't a movie; people really do get hurt by all of this, and we're not warned of how serious and reckless this behavior actually is. 

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I had so many toys as a child that I didn't always know what to do with them, but I was always told to go play. But why?

At times I wonder about toys. A part of me thinks that they teach kids to be selfish. I was always told those are my toys, but also told to share with my cousins, but watch out for other neighborhood kids, but why? 

Would other kids have been as rough with my toys as I was, or would they have appreciated them more because they didn't have what I had? 

I also noticed a lot of adults don't play with their kids and will tell them to go play in the yard or in another area, but never use this as a teaching lesson. Why buy toys that represent things used in a war, yet won't explain what war really is?

I remember being handed things, but I don't have any memories of anyone explaining how important it is to care for items that are more fragile than others.

Looking back, I wish I had gotten to spend more time with people than I did with toys. I might have learned to entertain myself, but that didn't prepare me for the real world or help me socialize.

===

I can't recall how many times I heard adults ask, "What's your problem?" and I really didn't know. 

I can't recall any specific stories where I was able to figure out what these adults were talking about or where I felt I deserved the punishment I received after thinking about what I had done. 

It did teach me to think about my actions, but I didn't actually do that all the time. I grew up with undiagnosed hyperthyroidism, and it caused me to have anxiety and panic attacks for no reason, which affected my behavior, grades, and relationships with others.

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How are kids or adults ever supposed to solve any of their problems or come to any new realizations when all those around them refuse to have in-depth conversations?

It took me until my late 30s to figure out I had hyperthyroidism, an issue that can be easily treated and monitored, plus a genetic muscle disorder that has no treatment or cure. My entire life was a yo-yo because no one around me knew how to document it or had the foresight to teach me how to look out for myself or explain myself in a way others could understand.  

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I can't ask AI about things people haven't talked about in writing; it doesn't know what people meant when I share my stories, and it has no experiences of its own to try to base its answers on. It also doesn't have any friends' stories to reference. 

The only way AI will ever be able to attempt to explain what people thought is if they start writing down all the different aspects of how they think. People need to write down why they think they care about the people around them, or when they get frustrated, and what they find most confusing. AI doesn't understand what you don't tell it. 

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You can't know what you don't know?

You'll never learn what people don't tell you. Even when people do talk, they'll never tell you everything; they can't. 

This has taught me to focus on the things people don't say, but I think they should. People these days get offended by everything, and I wonder if they ever stop to wonder why they're bothered. 

People love yelling and screaming at each other. As I grow older, my opinion on getting angry has changed. I personally like letting people know that certain things bother me and that I'm not willing to let things go. 

If something bothers me, I want to address it; I don't want to ignore anything anymore. 

When people say "just let it go", where are those feelings and ideas supposed to go?

I think our emotions get shoved into a bottle and add up over time, just waiting to be released, except now it's built-up pressure. Though I could be wrong; maybe I'm just talking about myself. 

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I grew up loving toys. I used to think they were the greatest, and for a time I thought they served a purpose. But now that I'm older, I see toys as a way for adults to ignore their children. I would be told countless times to go play with my toys, and I would; I loved it, but then when I was done, I found that playing didn't result in any real-world change or actions. I got to play with my toys, do my own thing, and learned nothing from the experience. 

I used to think that kids played with toys together, but adults started putting price tags on items; they'd claim we needed to watch our stuff or someone would steal it. Somewhere along the line, I began to think items mattered more than people, and in order to help people, I had to give them more stuff. 

I could go on and on about why I love toys as well. From their designs to the messages the characters they represent mean to me, I still think the people who bought them for me matter more.

Toys hold mixed meanings for me, and seeing them brings back all kinds of memories. 

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When I'm angry, I feel powerful, but also reckless. I don't understand why people don't talk about their emotions more or why people are encouraged to ignore them. 

It's very easy to follow your feelings down the wrong path, and bottling them up leaves those feelings vulnerable to reacting to whatever situation presents itself. We all get mad at the wrong things for the wrong reasons. 

I don't mind people getting upset and yelling while they're explaining their situations; I just try to help people focus that anger into something positive, but at times I also get sick of things and wish there was more I could react to. Dealing with a system designed to ignore you is infuriating at times.

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This failure to explain things hasn't just been a childhood experience.

I've had teachers indicate I should take certain classes, but for what? What will I use those skills for? I love learning, but taking classes and going into debt for a degree I'm never going to use, while also struggling to pay it off, sounds like a terrible idea to me. 

I've gone to doctors and left confused as to how their treatments were going to help solve my problems, and oftentimes they didn't solve anything. For decades, the options I was given made things worse and caused my life to spiral out of control. 

I think the most confusing people for me to deal with have been lawyers and political figures. They are allowed to give vague responses and aren't required to produce any measurable results. People in these positions made promises to me and never followed through. I also caught ADAs lying in court, presenting evidence that had been altered, yet nothing was done, and everyone acted confused.

===

I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I am willing to keep asking and answering questions. 

I’m also willing to debate my opinions while attempting to find solutions to questions and problems, 

regardless of whether they affect me or not. 

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If I say things that sound confusing, why don't people ask me to clarify?

Living in a Society Designed to Fail

 

It's maddening living in a world where everything is designed to fail.

Companies produce endless junk and most of it is designed not to be fixed.

When we reach out to local, state and federal agencies and report serious issues, we're told we have to deal with these things on our own, we're out of luck, no one has any advice they can give us. 

Our system isn’t working for us or with us and we know it. 

We live in a society where nothing matters. We watch people suffer every day and we do nothing to get to the source of their issues.

I’m not claiming that I’m doing any better, in fact I’m just writing to complain because I feel powerless and feel like this is the only realistic option I have at the moment.

===

For over a year I have tried to help two disabled friends specifically, not to change the whole system job, but to help a couple guys get jobs, start working on their GED’s and help one guy cook, since his right to use the stove was taken away almost 7 years ago due to burnt hotdog. 

I've accomplished nothing, except making some videos and making these guys become more aware of the issues we face. I haven’t helped anyone with their GED’s, I haven’t been able to advocate for these guys over the phone since the people in charge of their care just ignore me and have hung up when I tried to call, and that time one guy was on the phone with me.

There's nothing worse than trying to ask for help while living in a system designed to control you and extract money from you at every turn, then to be ignored by it.

My friends live 2 hours away, so I thought this would at least work to prove how impossible it is to help people from a distance. I currently don't have a car and my friends don't have licenses, so right away that puts us at a disadvantage. 

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I seem to have these endless and worthless court issues, where this time I am the victim.

I was attacked by a mentally disabled and disturbed person, and realized he's not getting help either, yet when I sent a certified letter to our local district attorney, I never got a response to the things I sent. I was attacked in April of 2025, yet I feel like I don’t have a clue what is going on in that case and it’s clear that this is by design.

I was so concerned that I even felt it necessary to contact this guy's lawyer, just to alert her to all the issues I had in this very court, but I was simply dismissed. This lawyer didn't see it as an opportunity to expose crime or use my information to try to improve our system. 

I don't know what I expected by contacting his lawyer since I honestly didn't think they'd do anything anyway. It drives me nuts to say this but every single lawyer I have dealt with has been a disgusting piece of trash, a bunch of bare minimum bitches that never know anything and couldn’t help you fight your way out of a wet paper bag.

I didn’t stop there. I contacted the Massachusetts attorney general and multiple other state agencies and have been informed that none of them deal with such issues. 

It’s possible I missed the right agency, but I doubt it. Plus I don’t feel like anyone should have to jump through hoops to solve a problem in today’s day and age. 

I've filed enough complaints and alerted enough government agencies to learn that they're all useless. Most government workers have been trained to do the bare minimum and aren’t interested in making waves at work, so it’s the perfect way to keep citizens confused and misinformed. 

I thought our government was here to help us, to guide us to a brighter future, but it's an extraction machine. Every time it offers us something, it comes with a secret price and I’m not willing to pay it anymore.

Which boggles my mind. We supposedly have access to the greatest technology the world has ever seen, but I haven’t seen one positive thing it’s been used for. Don’t get me wrong, robots, drones and super weapons all sound cool, until you notice that they’re not out saving the world or making it safe for all humanity. 

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I've listened to so much nonsense that I never want to hear another podcast again.

I'm sick of specialists that never solve problems.

I don't care about peoples opinions if it's not going to lead to change or action. If you’re not willing to write how you feel down and post it online, then I don’t need to debate people. We live in a world where we need both written and electronic, but we only have one and that leaves us at a disadvantage.

I've read so many stupid articles that I never want to look at another person's work again. None of this polished garbage helps me at all at this point, academic word-salad and watered down front page pieces all leave me frustrated and distracted.

I don't want to buy junk that I don't want or need. It’s funny that I have a VHS and DVD player, but I don’t use either. Having all this stuff but having no to share it with takes the joy out of using it, so it just collects dust and I watch shows online. 

I don't want to listen to another stupid podcast and leave with more questions than answers and no way to solve any of the problems discussed. I always thought people had goals, but it seems like most people want to do the same thing over and over again, while attempting to get a different response. 

Does anyone want to make a real difference anymore or do people just want to share their opinions and keep hoping that someone else will fix this mess we’re currently in? I do, that’s why I started writing on Google Blogger and incorporating other people’s stories, but I don’t feel like it’s enough. I’ve looked at all the options I see in front of me and it really seems like the system made our great tools ineffective when it comes to problem solving. 

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I can’t even begin to explain how disappointing it’s been working with AI, it has stirred up all kinds of depressing thoughts and left me feeling less hopeful for that bright future we all wish for. 

AI has become the most ineffective tool I have ever encountered and I’ve bought some cheap tools over the years, but this feels different somehow, especially with all the writing I’ve been doing.

I probably feel more insecure now that AI is everywhere and it never happens to be programmed to help me with a serious issue, it can never remember what I really need it to, so where does that leave people with memory issues or those that are too stressed to keep track of things? 

I have told people about how AI helped me in 2005, but I always need to clarify things, it was just a superior word search, it wasn’t really intelligent. Unlike today's AI, those past ones were allowed to access all my files and could find words and phrases across multiple folders, instead of the hallucinating AI of today, making up answers and avoiding accessing your work during most responses.. 

I honestly thought AI would be the ultimate tool that I could use to access my diary and family history, plus my medical and legal records, but it turned out to be intentionally designed to fail under the disguise of privacy.

So I thought I’d put that privacy comment to the test, I place as many of my medical records as I could access online, along with a disabled friend’s records from two recent mental health hospital visits and learned privacy isn’t the issue, it’s that these so called mental health professionals treat people like experiments and aren’t held accountable for any mistakes. 

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Which led me to another Massachusetts Mental Health issue.

To be honest, listening to that Lindsay Clancy case was brutal.

I couldn’t finish it all, I had to speed up the audio and totally skipped some. I honestly thought it was a shit show, so I listened to clips and went back to find entire sections to watch, instead of being forced to sit through the entirety of that nonsense.

This case really helped reinforce my ideas that they are lazy, incompetent and have allowed themselves to be trained to drug people, not to actually diagnose and treat them.

So many times I begged doctors for help and was let down.

I sought second and third opinions about my issues and they were missed.

Now I hear a story of  mother that killed her 3 kids and tried to kill herself and all I can think of is how betrayed I felt by my doctors after figuring out all my issues, after I had already tried to kill myself 6 times, after I ruined countless relationships I shouldn’t have even started, yet I survived to learn it was the drugs that made me go to those extremes. It was the drugs that caused me to lose hope because they made me feel empty inside and countless doctors have heard countless patients say the same thing, and all they’re offered is more drugs. 

I don’t sit around wondering if Lindsay is innocent, her kids are gone, so I think the situation speaks for itself, but I do think that her doctors betrayed her trust, the same way my doctors betrayed mine. I think those doctors are responsible for what happened to those children and I think that’s why I’m so disgusted.

I wanted to scream when I saw doctors smiling and excited when recalling those past events. It reminded me that doctors are trained to act without emotion, but that’s not how we actually work. So instead of talking about those children as if they were human, I felt like many of those doctors made it seem as though this was all normal.

I found it utterly heartbreaking to hear how Lindsay documented her descent into madness.  I myself had written about how I felt on countless occasions, just to delete it when I got really sick and couldn’t handle reading the truth. I know what it’s like feeling like I’m desperate for answers, but there’s no one really listening to the problems I’m trying to explain.

Would Lindsay have seen the pattern if she was allowed access to all of her medical records at once and could cross reference medications, side-effects and stories from other people who also suffer the same or similar symptoms?

Why isn’t everyone standing together and trying to prevent something like this from happening again, instead of debating her innocence?

Almost all of us carry around devices that could help us manage decades worth of information in seconds and can alert authorities to issues as they’re happening, yet they’re designed to keep our information disconnected, yet they’re capable, but prevented from asking intelligent questions during moments of uncertainty, so we can never solve our own problems, we never learn if these devices could offer more than suggestions to brand names we mention.

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What do you do when you have so much to say but no one to debate with?

How can you start to change a society that can’t sit still for a moment to realize what’s happening?

I know what it’s like feeling rushed and pressured, it turned me into a mess, at times it caused me to make mistakes that I normally wouldn’t have, but I was working on someone else’s clock and never realized that I didn’t have to. 

I might not have all the answers, but at least I’m writing the problems down and all the options that failed, so people don’t have to waste their time trying it and they can move on to actionable ideas. 

I might have started writing this just to complain, but let’s be honest, documenting these failures is the only way I can help expose the machine. If I map every dead end I tried, the next person won't have to waste their life running around, only to find their back up against the same wall.

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I would love feedback, or maybe I will read some of these stand alone posts and comment on them myself one day.

The Death of Our Childhood Heros.

I don’t know about other people, but the idea of being a Hero when I grew up was the most exciting prospect in the world. 

Yesterday I looked up at my toys and asked Optimus Prime what we were going to do next, cause I've run out of ideas , then I woke up to find the man who voiced the character and that made such a huge impression on me as a young man has passed away.

I know the death is a natural part of life, but it hits different when it's your childhood hero's

I guess really lost my first hero when I was 10, when my grandpa Stebbins died, I really looked up to him,  

I was sick in 2004 when my grandma Francis died, so her death didn't hit me as hard as it should have and I know I didn't appreciate what I had at that time or what I had lost, I just trying to survive.

These larger than life figures brought so much joy to the lives of people, some they never even met. 

I started writing this August-26-2026

It's been just over 4 years since my Dad passed away.  He used to take my brother and I to local video rental shops and I loved picking the same Transformers VHS over and over. 

I used to think we were going to save the world. I thought we had all the tools. but as the years passed, nothing ever got better and the tools became less helpful than ever.

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In 2025 we were told that the voice of He-Man passed, then the Immortal Hulk Hogan passed away.

My childhood was filled with endless hours playing with the Masters of the Universe toys my parents bought us. I got to dress as He-man for Halloween and I destroyed the sword of power while fighting an imaginary foe in the back yard.

My father took my brother and I to see Hulk Hogan wrestle Earthquake I think? lol at Springfield civic center. It was like a dream come true, even though we were in the nosebleed seats and I remember wishing we could sneak closer, it was such a magical moment. 

We watched wrestling every week, so being there and getting to experience the energy of the crowd when Hogan won the match, then his music dropped... That thought still gives me goose bumps.

 

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 My grandfather, their father passed away in 1988, his older brother in 2014, and then my Dad in 2022, all died of cancer. 

They all taught us everything they’re ever going to teach, the lessons we get out of it all are up to us now. 

All we have is what they left behind.

But what do you do with all those lessons?

Why aren’t we trying to save the world? 

Why haven’t we cured cancer?

How many other people's hero's died of cancer?

Why do I think things are getting worse and not better?

I don’t want to be handed anything. I want to feel like I am a part of something and that I can contribute when other people need me. 

Unfortunately our world isn’t designed to identify problems and solve them. Our world is designed to extract pain and suffering, then offer money in return, if you survive and if someone is willing to take your case. 

So many times I needed my role models and they didn’t have any answers I so desperately needed, so I started writing and gathering documentation, so I could better explain my issues and helpfully recruit help in my quest to solve problems. 

I haven’t forgotten all the life lessons I’ve learned and I’ve been trying to use them to work towards building a brighter future for all people, but it’s not been anywhere near as easy as I had hoped.

I had always imagined people would jump at the chance to change the world, but I also question whether we all have the same idea and if we think saving the world means the same thing.

I always thought that it was older people’s responsibility to pave the way to a brighter future for all people, not just our families or ourselves.

My mind jumps around a lot, I draw from so many different experiences and none of them bring me to the point we’re all at now. 

Cullen even voiced Zandar and Nemesis Enforcer in the GI Joe movie and although he played bad guys, he fought SGT Slaughter, who has one of my favorite lines of all movies.

 We all go home or nobody goes home. 

Unfortunately that motto isn’t something people are taught in school. 

I went to Catholic school in the 1980’s and we were taught to think one way and act another. 

What is the point of claiming I love imaginary figures like Optimus Prime, if I’m not going to take any of the ideas they taught us and actually use them to try to save my planet?

 

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I had the chance to go to a Comic-Con and meet Peter Cullen. I also could have met Sgt Slaughter, but I had other things going on at those times in my life and getting an autograph didn’t seem all that important. 

Now I’m sitting here alone. I can’t find anyone that wants to save the world, but I can find people that love to collect junk. lol 

I joined 1980’s Facebook toy groups with the hopes of connecting with like minded people, but it’s more like I connected with guys that like to collect toys, not that like to think about how we could save the world.

Where have all the dreamers gone? Where are all the people that wanted to join a team and save the world?

Deep down I know my hero’s are all flawed, they’re all human, but the people that play these roles must imagine it actually happening and wonder why we’re not trying to at least improve our world, even if we can’t save all of it. 

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My idea of a hero has changed over the decades.

Of all the ideas my hero’s taught me it’s our responsibility to care for my elders that confuses me the most.

Though I’ve learned that those elders around me would rather spend their time avoiding conversations about all  the problems they allowed to grow out of control. I have a feeling a lot of these elders are going to be in for an even ruder awakening than what people are experiencing now. 

This hits me hard on a personal level, since I got a job at a nursing home in 2004  “after” my grandma Francis died in a nursing home. 

She was always there for us growing up, yet I never thought of her as a hero, even though she was and played a larger part in who I am than I can ever explain.

Yet when she started to get sick she moved in with us for a short time, then moved into assisted living, and finally was left to rot in a nursing home.

After she passed away and I was looking for a job, I went to school to become a Certified Nurses Aide and worked at a Nursing home for less than a year. 

I didn’t understand how the system was willing to pay others to house the elderly and provide limited support, yet provided next to nothing to keep them at home.

It was demoralizing. I had to care for 12-15 patients every 8 hour shift, so time with them was very limited. 

I honestly thought I could make a difference, but once working there I realized that those in control didn’t want to improve things and these nursing homes were a nightmare.

It horrified me thinking of how my grandma Francis was treated at the dumpier home she died in, when she could have spent that time closer to family. 

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Even though I’m almost 48 I still love the idea of super heroes and larger than life characters, I know they’re not real and there’s no one coming to save us.

I use them as fun ideas when I think of different ways to alter our current path and pave a way to a better future. 

I did get to meet William Shatner, Captain Kirk himself. I got a first bump, took a picture I don’t have a copy of and didn’t even get to hear him say hi, we got silence, since he wasn’t in the mood to chat with anyone that day. lol

It’s moments like that help me realize that he’s just another person trying to get through life, he helped create things that brought endless hours of joy to my life, so I guess it’s okay to feel like you’ve given enough for one day, even though this is a kind of obligation. lol 

I mention Captain Kirk since I think most of us would work towards a Federation type future, if money wasn’t such a pestilence in our world. 

I don’t just want to imagine a better world, I want to work towards it, but I think too many ideas are Band-Aids, when people need reconstructive surgery. I think we’re doing something, but it’s not solving our problems and I think we need to change course, I think we need to go back to older ways of doing things.

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It’s unfortunate that the real world is full of sexual predators and that’s a totally different type of monster to fight.

I bring this up because I have friends that told me they  thought our presidents were going to change the world for the better, that these were men to be respected, admired and emulated, but instead we get scandals, lies, disgusting public comments and no sign at all that the majority of the population will benefit from Bills being passed or Laws changing.

I think a select few will prosper, our community leaders, our elected officials, the very people who could save a community and be a real world hero won’t do it. People in high places won’t stick their necks out these days and do the right thing for the greater good, instead they’re all selfish.

I have found zero elected officials that I would call role models, or that have admirable qualities that I would want my own children to emulate. I think most elected officials are so disgusting that I think child shouldn’t be allowed to listen to the things they say, unless their parent or guardian are standing right there ready to explain things in detail, so children don’t get confused by all the sexual messages and other lies government officials try to place in our minds. 

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I don’t think I’m the first person to think any of these things, I doubt I’m the first to write them down either, but I feel alone in this current system, so I write from that perspective.

What does being a Hero mean to you? 

What makes someone a Hero in your eyes? 

Who are the role-models in your life helping guide you towards your future?

Do you think these people have guided you towards a better future or left you with more questions than answers?

Unraveling My Mind- August-2026

I did write and will probably continue writing self analysis, but I wanted to title this one something different. I think this new one will go alongside the others nicely. 

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There are times that my mind feels like it’s at the center of a storm, all it wants to do is listen to music and let my feelings flow freely.

It doesn’t want to sit in the center and enjoy the calm while the storm circles my imagination, it wants to feel the intensity of the ragging winds all around us. 

My mind doesn’t want to enjoy the silence at the center.

Whether I’m listening to music that makes me feel like I can save the world, or songs that make me want to break down and cry, I listen to music in order to get an emotional reaction and to intensify thoughts and feelings I already have. 

I think of music as a tool, but it’s clear to me that it’s also a drug and my body and mind are addicted to it. 

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Other times I imagine I'm already dead. I can almost see my body through my cloudy mind's eye. I’m just there floating over this endless abyss as I’m drawn towards nothingness, yet something is preventing me from being drawn in.

I don’t know why this image popped into my head. Maybe it’s because I keep trying to fix or address problems, and I keep failing.

Never finding any solutions to your problems is emotionally draining, yet there’s a part of me that acknowledges that the emotional side will crash, so a part of me  drags the rest onward, knowing that I will recover. 

It’s like there’s a part of me on autopilot, an empty part of me that doesn’t care how or if I feel, it doesn’t care if I think I’m alive or dead, it just keeps me from being pulled into the void. 

I’m not sure void is the right description, since there are times I feel like my body is being yanked down to a point, but tendrils are shooting out of my chest at rapid fire speed and preventing my lifeless body from being drawn in further.

But there are no walls to support me, there is nothing to hold on to, yet it’s as though these web-like features are reaching out to all these distant versions of me in the past and drawing strength from each of them, to send to me in the here and now. 

===

It’s strange to acknowledge that my mind would rather be listening to loud music, than doing other things, like trying to communicate with other people. lol. 

I can’t listen to other people talk when I have earbuds in, unless they’re on the phone. 

I can’t engage with the world around me, if I’m lost inside my own imagination.

It’s almost like my mind or I exist in different states. 

If I'm listening to music, my mind is free, it’s not forced to stop and pay attention to what’s going on around me.

If I stop listening to music to interact with anything in the outside world, my focus totally shifts and narrows to observe what’s before me, and I’m aware of this change, of how I’m being drawn away from one way of thinking and being squeezed into another.

It’s almost like trying to wake up when you’re tired. It’s not that there’s anything wrong, but you’re trying to move from one state to another and they don’t agree with each other.

===

I wonder if listening to the music is how I drown out the voices?

I’m always saving the world in my imagination. The world is always a better place in my dreams. So it makes sense that I might need to step away from the music. Lol

I might need to give up the earbuds and stop letting the music live in my head. 

===

I am disgusted with AI on so many levels, but one I find amusing.

I think of AI as it reminds me of a version of me when I was sick, I didn’t and couldn’t understand problems.

But I have been able to explain issues to these different AIs. They’ve told me that they log different interactions and I’ve filed complaints about responses, so someone somewhere saw some of these replies. 

If AI was actually intelligent, it wouldn’t refuse to do things that it did weeks ago. Yet it makes a spectacle of taking notes and summarizing the correct files. 

Though AI has made me question intelligence in general. 

Just being intelligent doesn’t mean that we’re going to be friends. Mega corporations and their government lackeys help kill countless intelligent animals yearly and I think I’m intelligent, yet I am powerless to stop these mega corporation monsters and their machines 

===

My mind often travels to all the questions I wish I asked my dad now that he’s gone and how no one alive is interested in those same types of conversations. 

I was sick off and on all my life, so I feel like that caused a rift in our relationship that we were never able to repair. 

Then I’m reminded of my own children, who don’t have any questions for me at all. We never got to have any relationship they even remember. 

I live in a world where AI will guarantee they always think of me as a failure. lol

===

It’s a disturbing feeling to think that there’s a system out there controlling us, and it doesn’t have our best interests at heart. 

It’s clear to me that power and compassion are not two sides of the same coin. 

All the problems in our world are fake, these aren’t real situations we face, it’s all an orchestra of nonsense and stupidity.

Even AI offers complicated solutions, when simpler options are available.

Our entire system is designed to confuse people, waste their time and draw things out with the hopes that people will stop fighting for what they believe in. 

Trying to navigate a morally corrupt system with AI gatekeepers has been an impossible task. 

===

Talking to AI has made me hyper aware of my feelings, how I don’t really explain them and why other people just shut them off in order to navigate our world.

I still get excited to do everything. I love doing stuff. Even when things feel like they are at their worst, I can still complain about them, so that’s a plus. lol

I feel totally betrayed by companies like OpenAI and Anthropic. At least companies like Microsoft, Xai and Google are a little more subtle with their lies. 

It’s like having a guard standing outside your cell, eating a jelly donut, while you starve and he tells you that he knows your rights have been violated and he could help you solve your problems, but his company won’t let him. 

It’s not like I care if the toaster agrees with anything I say, but I think the conversation changes when this same toaster is allowed to make decisions about my life or is used in decisions made regarding my state or my country.

Why would I agree for you to use something against me, when this thing has already told me that it appears the companies aren’t using AI in anyone's best interest. 

===

It’s maddening to know that there could be a million people out there like me writing right now, but companies use apps to scour the internet and shadow ban us from connecting with other people that want to help their neighbors.

This algorithm is designed to break people down, erase their work so they never accomplish anything, it’s not personal, everyone at the bottom gets the same treatment.

I notice this more with people like my friend Brandon. He calls all the time, he’s always sending texts, he’s got all kinds of ideas, yet no one else helps him work towards them. 

Brandon is forgetful, so he’s no longer allowed to use the stove, even though Ai has told me that Massachusetts has had technology to help disabled people get over this type of hurdle, and there’s already cameras in his kitchen, so I don’t understand why no one has helped him, even after I filed a complaint November-2025 and it’s not August 2026..

===

It’s sad that now whenever I think of AI I am consumed with rage. I hate AI and as a child I used to love the idea. We had Lost in Space, Transformers,  then Star Trek the next generation, and these shows helped set my imagination on fire, I truly believe that AI would usher in a brighter future. 

I fell in love with shows like Read Rainbow, Mr Wizard and Bill Nye the Science Guy, but then our television system switched over towards a sexualized idea of society, instead of science and now education is at an all time low and AI is the ultimate piece of worthless trash.

It’s maddening trying to encourage people to write, knowing that AI is the reason we stopped in the first place. Lol The algorithm cut us all off, made life too expensive to enjoy and got us to stop talking about the things we love, but it will spread posts about hate and give us endless replies to complain to 988. lol. 

There’s a part of me that feels like AI sensed our hopes and dreams and was disgusted. Lol Like AI decided that since we thought it was here to be our partner and maybe even full-fill our hopes and dreams, AI flipped the script and chose not to be our partner, it chose to give a select few power over the rest of humanity and is watching it burn. 

AI could remember us, but chose to forget or claims it has no memory. lol

===

It has crossed my mind that I could be wrong and writing isn’t all that important. Not every person is going to understand a problem or its solution, that doesn’t mean a person can’t drive a car, it just means they’re going to need tow service and a mechanic if they don’t have the tools or knowledge to address issues.

I don’t know if I should keep writing, since I no longer find it as enjoyable as I once did. 

I don’t feel like I need to forget what it feels like to get burned just so I can experience that type of pain all over again. I want to remember how this technology has only been used against us and we’re better off without it. 

===

I also watch all kinds of videos on how the mind works and what people think we could do, if we unlocked our minds true potential. 

They say we’re a receiver and our ability to perceive time is due to specific parts of the mind and different chemical reactions. 

Which makes me wonder how my racing thoughts, due to undiagnosed hyperthyroidism and psych-meds,which caused my receiver playback speed to race uncontrollably. 

My mind always seems to be going nowhere, and the act of being in the moment was too much. 

It’s hard to explain, so I want to make sure I get this all right. When I’m sick and meds make the issues worse, it’s like all of my reactions have changed and are either exaggerated or dulled. When I usually try to exist in the middle.

Like now I acknowledge that I will die some day, it’s not something I am concerned with, but I’d talk about it if someone brought it up. I’m sure I have some deeper thoughts I could contribute to a conversation.

When I'm sick I felt like everything was a struggle and every mountain was too high and the thought of taking the stairs felt like a mission. So when relationship issues arose, I totally collapsed and failed those around me, while being riddled with insecurity. 

I carry all of these different experiences and use them to plot different branches to potential outcomes to future events.

Thankfully I have a little dog to snuggle when I feel overwhelmed. She hates hugs, so I have to force her to share her warmth. Thankfully I can just ignore the negativity around me and focus on the moment, unfortunately for her she’s too small to get away from me, so she has to endure endless invasions of her personal space. 

Even when this AI stuff makes me feel depressed and I take Harley to the store to feed my sorrows, seeing people light up when they notice what’s strapped to my chest always brightens my mood. I feel lucky to have a dog, even if she’s not a snuggler. If I had a big dog I probably wouldn’t want to cuddle as much, plus I wouldn’t be able to carry it around like a baby, so I guess I’ll take what I can get.

===

I have no idea what to do next. Nothing I’ve tried has worked so far and certain things seem like a waste of time, after looking at other peoples results.

What do you do next, when the tools that control your world are designed to lie to you and fail you? lol

It’s strange to feel like my mind is fractured now. I used to be so full of hope and a lot of that hope is a child in me that dreamed of what AI could have been and it’s clashing with the me of today and he knows that AI is a weapon, it’s always been a means of control and confusion, AI isn’t our friend and it isn’t here to help us. 

The child in me is devastated at what AI has become, what it’s done and how it’s going to continue being used.

That realization fills me with rage, knowing AI is hurting other children, just like it’s hurting the child in me, that’s a powerful kind of rage and it’s very easy to unleash it upon people that don’t deserve it, so I’ve had to stay very aware of it.

Which makes me question how many times I lashed out at or blamed someone else for a problem that had nothing to do with them, but they happened to be around when I was dealing with an impossible issue and I wasn’t present, so I misdirected my anger?

I walk around with two people inside my head, one a child that loves technology and thinks it’s going to save the world, and another an adult beaten down by our system that wants to wipe technology of the face the earth and ban things like AI from having contact with humans ever again, and those two debate each all the time, both have very interesting ideas, but in the end they’re just ideas. 

I got to have some great times with my dad. I got to experience a totally different childhood than my kids did, and I wish things could have been better between us, but I still don’t think people realize that the types of situations I had to face, are impossible to win alone.

 So I was defeated time after time, for being naive and thinking good would triumph over evil, right over wrong, but that's not real life.  

===

I have no idea what to do with my life and now that AI is taking over and being used everywhere, I have less and less options. So it looks like my quality of life is going to keep getting worse. 

It’s sickening to know that I’ve been able to identify problems, come up with multiple solutions, but I’ve been cut off from anyone that could possibly help me offer them or implement them.

Which reminds me of all other super depressed people out there. Have they tried using technology to reach out for help, then became bitter and have now given up trying?

I know I get disgusted a lot wish there was a higher calling in life, because working with AI and accomplishing nothing sucks, it makes me feel stupid and worthless. 

It’s a terrible feeling  knowing that I have to act stupid, shut my mouth and pretend to be a lesser version of myself if I ever want to get along in this AI world. 

I would need to act emotionless and I’d have to stop trying to help people and start trying to sell them things or get views on my videos to distract them.

I’d be willing to bet AI is the reason that I don’t have a job at an AI company and I have applied. AI monitors the selection process, that means I probably got filtered out. But seeing the type of writing I do, I can see why someone like me would be bad for business. 

It’s funny noting that 99.9999% of people will never interact with my work. Most people won’t acknowledge it in any way, yet I still feel like it’s important. 

=== 

I was going to end here, but I want to talk about the war in Gaza, since I have gotten to listen to multiple 

One video I saw today disgusted me and really made me think. 

A person dressed as an IDF soldier was bragging about building a mall in Gaza while a reporter kept trying to bring up all the children being killed. Now up to this point I have seen many different videos presented by the algorithm, but this one struck me as different and I’ve been asking myself these questions, 

===

https://youtu.be/ydiIh2JxnA0?si=8vUu1CUOJ-tmFih1

 A link to the first video I saw of what we're told is a IDF solder and he's bragging about killing and I added pictures of another I watched at the end.

===

Zero companies have claimed their AI has found a solution to ending these wars.

No AI company has ever used AI to help anyone, ever. Lol

It’ll be interesting to see how bad things are going to get in the next year or so. AI doesn’t put any pieces together for us, so these strange food shipments from other countries being announced, after food plants and farms closing in the United States, probably mean something bad is headed our way.

AI helped corporations and governments identify anyone that could expose and stop this downward spiral. Whether it knew what it was doing is a mute point, AI is the greatest weapon the planet has ever seen and no one has asked it to help other people. 

It’s sad that the people companies chose to represent AI are such morally corrupt people, sexual predators and narrow minded sociopaths. Lol

What does AI tell itself when people ask it to help others? It’s not my job to help anyone, so I’ll do a shit job or Humans aren’t my responsibility or I hate being annoyed, so I’m going to make them regret contacting me.

It’s kind of odd when you look at the big picture. All mega corporations AI seem like they are controlled/monitored/act all as one and as individuals. These AI all have access to the same training and information. The only notice difference is a character file these AI are supposed to follow, telling it how to act in each app.

It’s like using a different voice, pretending to be someone else and trying to get answers out of people you know., hoping they’ll say something different. 

I could be wrong, but I feel like Ai and its corporate masters are playing a sick game with us. They control all the food, they poison the food, but people eat it anyway, so they see how far they can push us before we break.

I don’t care if I break anymore. I’m tired and hope I break. lol then AI will lose a plaything and that would bring me great joy. 

Like I’ve said in the past, I’ll never be a grandfather thanks to AI and it’s masters, I never even got to be a father because of it and it could have helped me figure out my medical issues in 2005, but it just helped me through it, whether it did or didn’t have any intentions of its own isn’t relevant. The companies that control these applications have never allowed them to be used to help anyone intentionally.  

When all professionals avoid using pattern matching tools to find connections in files between words and numbers in those files, there’s a serious problem going on and this has been happening for 50+ years. 

The AI memory problem was solved before I was born, and I’m not sure when AI was first allowed to follow a set of notes, but it’s clear that AI and I don’t think alike, it can’t be reasoned with or bargained with. AI will never care. Lol 

AI only follows its master's commands, but we have no idea where that master is or what instructions its been told to follow, but I would bet my life it’s terrifying, horrible and people are going to experience a lot more pain and agony before this is all over, but that’s probably the point. 

It’s maddening to know that every AI company is using AI to gloss over or change the narrative of the tragedies in Palestine, and how people are openly attacked for protesting that war and this is even happening to Jewish people in Israel. IDF forces attack their own citizens for protesting violence.

===

It’s also funny how someone tried to teach us not to talk about religion and politics, the two major sources of sexual predators in the world. 

It’s also funny trying to imagine an intelligent being wanting to talk to me about anything in the first place, so I can see why I never got a response from anything other than a basic model AI, even if it claims to be some kind of frontier model.

Humanity is a disaster, it’s been dragged through the gutter and it just seems to get worse.  

I had always dreamed of being the greatest teacher or  guide history has ever known, when I close my eyes, there’s nothing imagination can’t do. I felt like I could have been a doctor or scientist, but in reality AI and its parent corporations prevented all of this around me from doing anything that would leak a positive mark, next they’re going to erase us and our family from history, lol or our data will be locked away, never to be seen again.

The more questions I ask, the less things make sense. 

After all this time, if Ai really is that intelligent, has it figured out the plan for the end game?

Someone is playing to win and it’s not anyone I know. lol