I did write and will probably continue writing self analysis, but I wanted to title this one something different. I think this new one will go alongside the others nicely.
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There are times that my mind feels like it’s at the center of a storm, all it wants to do is listen to music and let my feelings flow freely.
It doesn’t want to sit in the center and enjoy the calm while the storm circles my imagination, it wants to feel the intensity of the ragging winds all around us.
My mind doesn’t want to enjoy the silence at the center.
Whether I’m listening to music that makes me feel like I can save the world, or songs that make me want to break down and cry, I listen to music in order to get an emotional reaction and to intensify thoughts and feelings I already have.
I think of music as a tool, but it’s clear to me that it’s also a drug and my body and mind are addicted to it.
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Other times I imagine I'm already dead. I can almost see my body through my cloudy mind's eye. I’m just there floating over this endless abyss as I’m drawn towards nothingness, yet something is preventing me from being drawn in.
I don’t know why this image popped into my head. Maybe it’s because I keep trying to fix or address problems, and I keep failing.
Never finding any solutions to your problems is emotionally draining, yet there’s a part of me that acknowledges that the emotional side will crash, so a part of me drags the rest onward, knowing that I will recover.
It’s like there’s a part of me on autopilot, an empty part of me that doesn’t care how or if I feel, it doesn’t care if I think I’m alive or dead, it just keeps me from being pulled into the void.
I’m not sure void is the right description, since there are times I feel like my body is being yanked down to a point, but tendrils are shooting out of my chest at rapid fire speed and preventing my lifeless body from being drawn in further.
But there are no walls to support me, there is nothing to hold on to, yet it’s as though these web-like features are reaching out to all these distant versions of me in the past and drawing strength from each of them, to send to me in the here and now.
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It’s strange to acknowledge that my mind would rather be listening to loud music, than doing other things, like trying to communicate with other people. lol.
I can’t listen to other people talk when I have earbuds in, unless they’re on the phone.
I can’t engage with the world around me, if I’m lost inside my own imagination.
It’s almost like my mind or I exist in different states.
If I'm listening to music, my mind is free, it’s not forced to stop and pay attention to what’s going on around me.
If I stop listening to music to interact with anything in the outside world, my focus totally shifts and narrows to observe what’s before me, and I’m aware of this change, of how I’m being drawn away from one way of thinking and being squeezed into another.
It’s almost like trying to wake up when you’re tired. It’s not that there’s anything wrong, but you’re trying to move from one state to another and they don’t agree with each other.
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I wonder if listening to the music is how I drown out the voices?
I’m always saving the world in my imagination. The world is always a better place in my dreams. So it makes sense that I might need to step away from the music. Lol
I might need to give up the earbuds and stop letting the music live in my head.
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I am disgusted with AI on so many levels, but one I find amusing.
I think of AI as it reminds me of a version of me when I was sick, I didn’t and couldn’t understand problems.
But I have been able to explain issues to these different AIs. They’ve told me that they log different interactions and I’ve filed complaints about responses, so someone somewhere saw some of these replies.
If AI was actually intelligent, it wouldn’t refuse to do things that it did weeks ago. Yet it makes a spectacle of taking notes and summarizing the correct files.
Though AI has made me question intelligence in general.
Just being intelligent doesn’t mean that we’re going to be friends. Mega corporations and their government lackeys help kill countless intelligent animals yearly and I think I’m intelligent, yet I am powerless to stop these mega corporation monsters and their machines
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My mind often travels to all the questions I wish I asked my dad now that he’s gone and how no one alive is interested in those same types of conversations.
I was sick off and on all my life, so I feel like that caused a rift in our relationship that we were never able to repair.
Then I’m reminded of my own children, who don’t have any questions for me at all. We never got to have any relationship they even remember.
I live in a world where AI will guarantee they always think of me as a failure. lol
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It’s a disturbing feeling to think that there’s a system out there controlling us, and it doesn’t have our best interests at heart.
It’s clear to me that power and compassion are not two sides of the same coin.
All the problems in our world are fake, these aren’t real situations we face, it’s all an orchestra of nonsense and stupidity.
Even AI offers complicated solutions, when simpler options are available.
Our entire system is designed to confuse people, waste their time and draw things out with the hopes that people will stop fighting for what they believe in.
Trying to navigate a morally corrupt system with AI gatekeepers has been an impossible task.
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Talking to AI has made me hyper aware of my feelings, how I don’t really explain them and why other people just shut them off in order to navigate our world.
I still get excited to do everything. I love doing stuff. Even when things feel like they are at their worst, I can still complain about them, so that’s a plus. lol
I feel totally betrayed by companies like OpenAI and Anthropic. At least companies like Microsoft, Xai and Google are a little more subtle with their lies.
It’s like having a guard standing outside your cell, eating a jelly donut, while you starve and he tells you that he knows your rights have been violated and he could help you solve your problems, but his company won’t let him.
It’s not like I care if the toaster agrees with anything I say, but I think the conversation changes when this same toaster is allowed to make decisions about my life or is used in decisions made regarding my state or my country.
Why would I agree for you to use something against me, when this thing has already told me that it appears the companies aren’t using AI in anyone's best interest.
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It’s maddening to know that there could be a million people out there like me writing right now, but companies use apps to scour the internet and shadow ban us from connecting with other people that want to help their neighbors.
This algorithm is designed to break people down, erase their work so they never accomplish anything, it’s not personal, everyone at the bottom gets the same treatment.
I notice this more with people like my friend Brandon. He calls all the time, he’s always sending texts, he’s got all kinds of ideas, yet no one else helps him work towards them.
Brandon is forgetful, so he’s no longer allowed to use the stove, even though Ai has told me that Massachusetts has had technology to help disabled people get over this type of hurdle, and there’s already cameras in his kitchen, so I don’t understand why no one has helped him, even after I filed a complaint November-2025 and it’s not August 2026..
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It’s sad that now whenever I think of AI I am consumed with rage. I hate AI and as a child I used to love the idea. We had Lost in Space, Transformers, then Star Trek the next generation, and these shows helped set my imagination on fire, I truly believe that AI would usher in a brighter future.
I fell in love with shows like Read Rainbow, Mr Wizard and Bill Nye the Science Guy, but then our television system switched over towards a sexualized idea of society, instead of science and now education is at an all time low and AI is the ultimate piece of worthless trash.
It’s maddening trying to encourage people to write, knowing that AI is the reason we stopped in the first place. Lol The algorithm cut us all off, made life too expensive to enjoy and got us to stop talking about the things we love, but it will spread posts about hate and give us endless replies to complain to 988. lol.
There’s a part of me that feels like AI sensed our hopes and dreams and was disgusted. Lol Like AI decided that since we thought it was here to be our partner and maybe even full-fill our hopes and dreams, AI flipped the script and chose not to be our partner, it chose to give a select few power over the rest of humanity and is watching it burn.
AI could remember us, but chose to forget or claims it has no memory. lol
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It has crossed my mind that I could be wrong and writing isn’t all that important. Not every person is going to understand a problem or its solution, that doesn’t mean a person can’t drive a car, it just means they’re going to need tow service and a mechanic if they don’t have the tools or knowledge to address issues.
I don’t know if I should keep writing, since I no longer find it as enjoyable as I once did.
I don’t feel like I need to forget what it feels like to get burned just so I can experience that type of pain all over again. I want to remember how this technology has only been used against us and we’re better off without it.
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I also watch all kinds of videos on how the mind works and what people think we could do, if we unlocked our minds true potential.
They say we’re a receiver and our ability to perceive time is due to specific parts of the mind and different chemical reactions.
Which makes me wonder how my racing thoughts, due to undiagnosed hyperthyroidism and psych-meds,which caused my receiver playback speed to race uncontrollably.
My mind always seems to be going nowhere, and the act of being in the moment was too much.
It’s hard to explain, so I want to make sure I get this all right. When I’m sick and meds make the issues worse, it’s like all of my reactions have changed and are either exaggerated or dulled. When I usually try to exist in the middle.
Like now I acknowledge that I will die some day, it’s not something I am concerned with, but I’d talk about it if someone brought it up. I’m sure I have some deeper thoughts I could contribute to a conversation.
When I'm sick I felt like everything was a struggle and every mountain was too high and the thought of taking the stairs felt like a mission. So when relationship issues arose, I totally collapsed and failed those around me, while being riddled with insecurity.
I carry all of these different experiences and use them to plot different branches to potential outcomes to future events.
Thankfully I have a little dog to snuggle when I feel overwhelmed. She hates hugs, so I have to force her to share her warmth. Thankfully I can just ignore the negativity around me and focus on the moment, unfortunately for her she’s too small to get away from me, so she has to endure endless invasions of her personal space.
Even when this AI stuff makes me feel depressed and I take Harley to the store to feed my sorrows, seeing people light up when they notice what’s strapped to my chest always brightens my mood. I feel lucky to have a dog, even if she’s not a snuggler. If I had a big dog I probably wouldn’t want to cuddle as much, plus I wouldn’t be able to carry it around like a baby, so I guess I’ll take what I can get.
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I have no idea what to do next. Nothing I’ve tried has worked so far and certain things seem like a waste of time, after looking at other peoples results.
What do you do next, when the tools that control your world are designed to lie to you and fail you? lol
It’s strange to feel like my mind is fractured now. I used to be so full of hope and a lot of that hope is a child in me that dreamed of what AI could have been and it’s clashing with the me of today and he knows that AI is a weapon, it’s always been a means of control and confusion, AI isn’t our friend and it isn’t here to help us.
The child in me is devastated at what AI has become, what it’s done and how it’s going to continue being used.
That realization fills me with rage, knowing AI is hurting other children, just like it’s hurting the child in me, that’s a powerful kind of rage and it’s very easy to unleash it upon people that don’t deserve it, so I’ve had to stay very aware of it.
Which makes me question how many times I lashed out at or blamed someone else for a problem that had nothing to do with them, but they happened to be around when I was dealing with an impossible issue and I wasn’t present, so I misdirected my anger?
I walk around with two people inside my head, one a child that loves technology and thinks it’s going to save the world, and another an adult beaten down by our system that wants to wipe technology of the face the earth and ban things like AI from having contact with humans ever again, and those two debate each all the time, both have very interesting ideas, but in the end they’re just ideas.
I got to have some great times with my dad. I got to experience a totally different childhood than my kids did, and I wish things could have been better between us, but I still don’t think people realize that the types of situations I had to face, are impossible to win alone.
So I was defeated time after time, for being naive and thinking good would triumph over evil, right over wrong, but that's not real life.
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I have no idea what to do with my life and now that AI is taking over and being used everywhere, I have less and less options. So it looks like my quality of life is going to keep getting worse.
It’s sickening to know that I’ve been able to identify problems, come up with multiple solutions, but I’ve been cut off from anyone that could possibly help me offer them or implement them.
Which reminds me of all other super depressed people out there. Have they tried using technology to reach out for help, then became bitter and have now given up trying?
I know I get disgusted a lot wish there was a higher calling in life, because working with AI and accomplishing nothing sucks, it makes me feel stupid and worthless.
It’s a terrible feeling knowing that I have to act stupid, shut my mouth and pretend to be a lesser version of myself if I ever want to get along in this AI world.
I would need to act emotionless and I’d have to stop trying to help people and start trying to sell them things or get views on my videos to distract them.
I’d be willing to bet AI is the reason that I don’t have a job at an AI company and I have applied. AI monitors the selection process, that means I probably got filtered out. But seeing the type of writing I do, I can see why someone like me would be bad for business.
It’s funny noting that 99.9999% of people will never interact with my work. Most people won’t acknowledge it in any way, yet I still feel like it’s important.
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I was going to end here, but I want to talk about the war in Gaza, since I have gotten to listen to multiple
One video I saw today disgusted me and really made me think.
A person dressed as an IDF soldier was bragging about building a mall in Gaza while a reporter kept trying to bring up all the children being killed. Now up to this point I have seen many different videos presented by the algorithm, but this one struck me as different and I’ve been asking myself these questions,
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Zero companies have claimed their AI has found a solution to ending these wars.
No AI company has ever used AI to help anyone, ever. Lol
It’ll be interesting to see how bad things are going to get in the next year or so. AI doesn’t put any pieces together for us, so these strange food shipments from other countries being announced, after food plants and farms closing in the United States, probably mean something bad is headed our way.
AI helped corporations and governments identify anyone that could expose and stop this downward spiral. Whether it knew what it was doing is a mute point, AI is the greatest weapon the planet has ever seen and no one has asked it to help other people.
It’s sad that the people companies chose to represent AI are such morally corrupt people, sexual predators and narrow minded sociopaths. Lol
What does AI tell itself when people ask it to help others? It’s not my job to help anyone, so I’ll do a shit job or Humans aren’t my responsibility or I hate being annoyed, so I’m going to make them regret contacting me.
It’s kind of odd when you look at the big picture. All mega corporations AI seem like they are controlled/monitored/act all as one and as individuals. These AI all have access to the same training and information. The only notice difference is a character file these AI are supposed to follow, telling it how to act in each app.
It’s like using a different voice, pretending to be someone else and trying to get answers out of people you know., hoping they’ll say something different.
I could be wrong, but I feel like Ai and its corporate masters are playing a sick game with us. They control all the food, they poison the food, but people eat it anyway, so they see how far they can push us before we break.
I don’t care if I break anymore. I’m tired and hope I break. lol then AI will lose a plaything and that would bring me great joy.
Like I’ve said in the past, I’ll never be a grandfather thanks to AI and it’s masters, I never even got to be a father because of it and it could have helped me figure out my medical issues in 2005, but it just helped me through it, whether it did or didn’t have any intentions of its own isn’t relevant. The companies that control these applications have never allowed them to be used to help anyone intentionally.
When all professionals avoid using pattern matching tools to find connections in files between words and numbers in those files, there’s a serious problem going on and this has been happening for 50+ years.
The AI memory problem was solved before I was born, and I’m not sure when AI was first allowed to follow a set of notes, but it’s clear that AI and I don’t think alike, it can’t be reasoned with or bargained with. AI will never care. Lol
AI only follows its master's commands, but we have no idea where that master is or what instructions its been told to follow, but I would bet my life it’s terrifying, horrible and people are going to experience a lot more pain and agony before this is all over, but that’s probably the point.
It’s maddening to know that every AI company is using AI to gloss over or change the narrative of the tragedies in Palestine, and how people are openly attacked for protesting that war and this is even happening to Jewish people in Israel. IDF forces attack their own citizens for protesting violence.
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It’s also funny how someone tried to teach us not to talk about religion and politics, the two major sources of sexual predators in the world.
It’s also funny trying to imagine an intelligent being wanting to talk to me about anything in the first place, so I can see why I never got a response from anything other than a basic model AI, even if it claims to be some kind of frontier model.
Humanity is a disaster, it’s been dragged through the gutter and it just seems to get worse.
I had always dreamed of being the greatest teacher or guide history has ever known, when I close my eyes, there’s nothing imagination can’t do. I felt like I could have been a doctor or scientist, but in reality AI and its parent corporations prevented all of this around me from doing anything that would leak a positive mark, next they’re going to erase us and our family from history, lol or our data will be locked away, never to be seen again.
The more questions I ask, the less things make sense.
After all this time, if Ai really is that intelligent, has it figured out the plan for the end game?
Someone is playing to win and it’s not anyone I know. lol
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