It's not easy to talk about someone I spent just 4 years with, and this was over 20 years ago, so I'm not attempting to describe who my ex was as a person or pass judgement, this is just the situations I remember and how I "think" my undiagnosed health issues effected our relationship and resulted in our divorce.
I think the hardest part is admitting how my mind works, since Jamie was my first wife and the first person I spent alone-time with, while feeling healthy and then spiraled out of control, I feel like I can explain what kind of crap I put her through, don't get me wrong, I don't blame myself for everything, I'm just using this to understand me better.
It's funny, not funny, but it's the little comments that people made that always stuck with me. Why didn't Ricky say this? I think Ricky does that. why didn't I say something? Do I really do exactly what you say or is there more to it? There questions require a lot of research.
What do I think about her? If I step back and try to think objectively. lol She's creative, she liked to make jewelry, she is still a hair stylist, she enjoyed growing plants, spending time with family and friends, she was always very social.
I met Jamie in the summer of 1999. I was working at the Red Roof Inn in West Springfield. My buddy Charles who was the security guard there at the time, had known her since she was a child. They lived in an area called Pheasant Hill in Agawam, Massachusetts. Charles and I used to play chess and do the daily word jumble every night, getting the paper was a highlight of my night working there. But then we started hanging out at Joey’s pub. We would play pool and chess and darts. Charles would sing karaoke.
I’m not sure if I met Jamie because I was dropping Charles off at home, or I met her at the bar. There was also a restaurant up the street Michael’s pasta in the pan, Jamie was a waitress there for a little while, So Charles might’ve introduced me to her, while she was working there as well.
At some point, Jamie got some blue car from her grandmother. her dad's mom on Welland Ave was no longer capable of driving.
This summer or fall, Jamie claimed she wanted to start jogging, so I would drive over to Agawam to see her, but we never really took up jogging, she wasn't big into running around. I think she was interested in me, simply because I talked a lot and didn't put the moves on her. lol I probably seemed like a challenge, since girls have told me they thought I was gay, many times, lol simple because I try to get to know people, before throwing myself at them or because I don't have any intentions at all. lol
We kept hanging out after that. lol I can’t remember exactly when, but I do remember her pointing out the fact that I had a lot of gray T-shirts. lol Even though they had different logos on them, lol I did have a lot of gray T-shirts at the time.
I started working at Control Air Supply on Albany Street in Springfield at this time. My neighbor across the street Dave asked me to work there with him. We had hung out a bit, but I was really sick after the Shannon stuff, He used to love playing with Laura Croft Tomb Raider. video games, so I would stop over and watch him paly video games before I went to work, I would help him figure out all the different puzzles.
It was around this time as well that Jamie got some settlement from a car accident. She had hurt her leg because she wasn’t wearing a seat-belt and her ex-boyfriend Sal was involved in an accident. It was after we both turned 21. I remember because she chipped her front tooth on a beer bottle in her bedroom upstairs at her apartment pheasant Hill.
It was around this time that I introduced my cousin Joey to Jamie and her sister Amanda, they end up getting married in the future.
I remember hanging out at their apartment, Pleasant Hill and my cousin Joey had fallen asleep on Jamie’s shoulder and when they woke up, he had drooled all over her. lol It was absolutely hilarious.
Now, I think you know by now that I have a big mouth. I told Jamie about all of my issues with my babies moms lol I told Jamie all about my issue in the Coast Guard and i even told her about the restraining orders I had against me at the time.
She knows that I have a restraining order against me right now and I’ve done nothing to deserve it. lol. I never hide any of this shit from anybody. If anything I've always wanted to talk about it, because I 've never understood what the frack was going on.
We would all hang out at Joey’s pub and Jamie’s ex-boyfriend. Sal would hang out with us too. I remember celebrating my birthday that October, Sal thought it would be funny to keep buying me drinks and I drank the, then I turned into a drunken mess.
Jamie and Sal had to drive me home. I didn’t plan on getting drunk, but Sal kept buying me drinks and then I lost the ability to walk. lol
Sal had to carry me in my house ,over his shoulder and plopped me on the couch. I don’t remember any of that, that’s just what they told me. lol
When I woke up, I had vomited in my sleep, there was puke trail from where my head was, down the front and there was a pile on the carpet. I don't recall cleaning much, if anything up, lol Thankfully, I was laying on my side and didn’t choke to death.
I just got up, got changed, wash my face, brushed my teeth, went to work, and tried my best to make it through the day.
I can still hear the guys telling me that I smelled like alcohol. lol At that point it was probably coming out if my pores. I reeked of alcohol all day at work and still felt drunk when I got home that evening and had to clean up the mess that I made.
My body has never handled alcohol very well. I don’t understand the physical effects that has on me so I’ve just stopped for now. I still would like to drink one of these days, but I’m just not interested in 10 drinks.
Jamie and I used to go to Joey’s pub first, since their drinks were way cheaper, then one of us would drive us all downtown to the Hot Club, This was in 2000, I started inviting my cousin Joey, it was around the time he turned 21, they had 18 and over nights, so it wasn't all drunks. lol
That place was a blast. It was so much fun man, people fist pumping all night long, lol Lights flashing, That feeling of the base in your chest, is is something to be experienced. It was awesome. There would be people every night going wild with glow sticks, swinging them all around. I've always wanted to do that, but I never got around to it. lol
The Hot Club
Jamie and I used to go to Joey’s pub first, since their drinks were way cheaper, then one of us would drive us all downtown to the Hot Club down at 10 Stearns Square,
At one point I started inviting my cousin Joey, they had 18 and over nights, so it wasn't all drunks. lol
That place was a blast. It was so much fun man, people fist pumping all night long, lol Lights flashing, That feeling of the base in your chest, is is something to be experienced. It was awesome. There were always a few people going wild with glow sticks, swinging them all around, some on string, other people just tracing patterns in the air, I've always wanted to do that, but I never got around to it. lol
It’s so weird how my mind works. I remember I started dating Jamie when that song by Alice DJ came out - Better Off Alone. That song Blue by Eiffel 65 also came out and was popular at that time. I remember she was one of the first people that didn't complain that I would rewind a cassette tape, then listen to a song over and over again. lol
Now we have phones and I can just hit the reverse button to listen to my songs over and over lol , but I was using a cassette player back then. I was still driving the Jetta at this time.
Trying to introduce Jamie to Samantha didn't work out well, Jamie was never interested in her, Jamie never asked about Samantha or my past, she was never interested in getting involved in anything that I was into or that I was a part of. Looking back, she had her own group, was interested in different things than I was, so I'm not really sure why she stayed with me. lol
Jamie started going or was already going to hairstyling school at Springfield Technical Community College.
Fall
My neighbor Dave across Hope St convinced me to switch jobs, so I left the night auditor job and started working at a heating and air conditioning warehouse- control air supply.
I was also softball with my family at this time, on Sundays when I would get Samantha, I would take her to my games and my mother would watch her while I played. Samantha was such a Sissy, she hated getting her hands dirty.
November
I can't remember exactly what we did, but I remember that this was the last month that I saw Samantha, I haven't gotten to spend any time with her in 26 years. Until a few years, there were still Christmas presents for her in the basement, all dusty from 1999. I felt it was time to get rid of them, there were some roller skates and I can't remember what else at the moment. It was depressing to see those things year after year. Seeing those presents always left me with more questions than answers,
I hardly got to spend any time with Samantha as it was and Jamie was more of a partier. lol
Looking back, I can see how my anxiety caused me to rush into these situations, I felt like I needed to do something and just ran with an idea. Jamie wasn't ready two year old in my opinion and I shouldn't have been worried about having a girlfriend, but hindsight is 20/20.
December
Somewhere around this time, I started expanding my room in the basement and invited Jamie to live with me and my mother and sister. She still going to school at this time and as always, I was in a big rush for everything.
I’m not sure when we started going over Jamie’s great grandparents, but I absolutely loved it. Bob and Vi Bishop. They were such nice people, Bob would always tell me the same stories over and over again. lol He used to own a TV repair shop and he was a union leader for some company that I don’t remember. His wife Vi was on the cover of some magazine because they had some fancy 70s kitchen installed in their new home when they had built. They had the coolest living room, Total 70s vibe. They had a bar in the basement, but I don’t remember anybody ever using it. They’re a huge backyard and they never had any parties back there when I was around.
I remember she was involved in an event that she won. She did some amazing hairpiece and that’s how she ended up getting the job that she still working out today. And I remember it specifically because she told me that I didn’t seem excited for her, And looking back, I believe it was cause I felt so empty inside and she was used to me being high energy, like I am now in 2025. The worst part is, I might even be able to draw a picture of her hairpiece today that comment stuck out in my mind so much. I remember she put a lot of effort into that. I used to put a lot of effort into styling my hair when it grew in, lol
Beginning of May I had asked my grandma Francis for money and bought an engagement ring for Jamie. I had had a ton of anxiety at this time, I felt like I was in a huge rush, and I needed to do everything now now now, So on Mother’s Day I asked Jamie to marry me in the rose garden at Stanley park in Westfield.
August we got married- what a disaster this turned out to be, and not a totally family, friendly, loving event all around. This will show you why communication is important for families.
I also remember writing her father an email about how he should be a better father. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Man, what the frack, I think this was a premonition, but I was gonna turn out to be a shatty father. frack man I was never there for my son after I got really sick. But I do remember her father saying that my email was very well written. So that college class must’ve paid off lol He used to run a booth at an indoor flea market in Holyoke and I loved going there. It’s so depressing that that place is closed.
That summer, Jamie and I, her youngest sister, her younger brother and a friend of ours went to Fern Lake. I remember upsetting her younger sister, she had fuzzy arms, and I mentioned you look like Harry from Harry and the Henderson's. She started crying because people actually did pick on her and color her hair when she was a little younger. Remind you, this girl is in her teens at the time and I was 21. So I was kind of a bonehead. That summer was a blast, we went snorkeling for the first time out to the big rock. I didn’t even know you could walk out to that big rock, As a child, that big rock was like a mystical object that I always wanted to climb, And we did climb it at times. I’m pretty sure I caught a few rock bass off that as well. Another lesson I learned there that summer, We used to burn our trash before we left, and somebody had tossed the glass bottle into it, I grabbed water to extinguish the fire before we left, and then the glass bottle exploded, thankfully I wasn’t hit by any of the shards I went flying everywhere. lol
November my leg is cut at work and I start hanging around the house doing nothing. So I made this fake Account on AOL called HotForMen2000 lol I use the picture of one of her friends, and I would just wait for creepers to write me. I got 15 guys to go knock on the neighbors apartment across the street when they weren’t home. One guy brought a video camera that recorded with VHS cassettes over to the house over 10 times thinking he was going to film some funny business with some hot chick. lol I even walked over across the street and left a candle on the steps one time because he didn’t believe that I was real lol I told him my stomach was upset and I was in the bathroom and I couldn’t get to the door. lol
Yeah, I was bored obviously, I had tried taking classes at Springfield technical community college around this time. I remember needing to take a review for college writing class, When I had signed up for college, I was a terrible writer. I might still be, but I’m a little better. But I know I was having severe panic attacks because we were allowed to write one paragraph about anything we wanted, and I struggled for the entire final class and I ended up writing about something I love about anyway, and it’s just stupid, but I remember it and it’s stuck with me. I remember writing about the night sky at the camp in new
Hu Ke Lau
The Walk
It's funny that weird things that stick out in my head, Jamie and I had gone out with friends and met for drinks. I remember feeling off, but I don't recall there being any altercations, or harsh words, it was just a normal night, they had a bar area and then would turn the restaurant/show area into a dance club.
I didn't tell Jamie, I just left and just walked back home to Springfield. lol I don't remember if she called the house or what, but I don't recall fighting about this after the fact, I think I just tried to brush it off, like it wasn't a big deal, I just bailed on her and walked 6 miles home. But I think there was more to my mental state than I was able to track.
I also don't recall Jamie ever bringing this up again, but these are things I think people should think about, and shouldn't just brush off as nothing. it's super rude and what if something had happened to her or she got worried and called police. My actions were totally irresponsible and it was like nothing happened.
I remember being more fascinated about seeing a frog on Memorial drive as I walked the side of the road, than I really was about anything else in that moment, whatever had set me off, that frog brought me back. lol Poor thing probably got ran over after too. lol technology.
Karaoke
We also went to a couple karaoke contests and had dinner, Jamie had friends that could really belt some songs out. I remember feeling pissy at this time, I'm curious if any part of me was also jealous that her friends had the confidence to get on stage and put it all out there and I was feeling anxious and cowardly, I would've froze on stage and did a shit job. lol
Hailey
Sometime this Spring/summer 2001 or 2002????, we bought Hailey from Dave soda and pet Food city in Agawam. I had tried to litter box trainer, but that was absolutely impossible for me. lol I think i was 2001, Brenda got jealous and wanted to bread Papillons and had that one funky looking puppy. lol
I think it was the spring-summer-fall timeline that Hailey broke her forearm, this was in a space on the porch of our mobile home. There were gaps between the boards and her paw was small enough to fit through and when I had chased her out into the yard, I noticed something happened to her, but then she just kept going. She started limping around soon after that, Yet, every time I grabbed her leg and yanked on it. She was fine. So I ended up bringing her to a vet in Ludlow. After x-rays, you could see the clear break, It just happened that when I grabbed her arm, I did it gently enough and yanked on it in such a way that it didn’t cause any pain. But it cost me $850 lol And the real piss her was the cast that they gave her aggravated her skin so much that I had to change it, The design that I made with my own popsicle, sticks and tape was far superior than what the vet had constructed. Especially considering she was a puppy, there was no slowing her down. She wanted to go, go, go. lol
February
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Arrest Night
One night, (2003-06-18 I found a listing in Banks paperwork from 2021) Jamie went out with friends drinking. It started with a guy from her group picking her u, she went out for the evening and when he dropped her off, he parked up further up the the street and then I felt like they took way to long to say goodbye, plus I felt like an emotional disaster at the time, I cared about everything and wanted to know everything.
When she finally got out of the car, which to me felt like 20-30 minutes. lol I watched her stumble up the street and started questioning her as soon as she walked through the door.
Looking back, I obviously feel like that whole incident should've been avoided, but I remember thinking she wanted to be a mother, she wanted a baby and the attention and she's partying all the time and acting strange, I felt like she was trying to downplay the "parking up the street" issue and I felt like she was trying to calm me down before I was actually getting upset, when i felt like I was bringing up valid points.
She was insistent that nothing happened, but I didn’t believe it.
I remember I wanted her to be honest, I wanted her to tell me the truth, regardless of how things sounded or how the situation unfolded, I felt like she didn't love me, she was just with me because we had a kid. Looking back now, she had post partum depression, so that played a lot into her behavior,
I obviously didn't handle that situation well. I was upset at my perception of her behavior and I had this idea that she didn’t want to spend any time with or wasn't spending enough time with Dietrich.
We were going back and forth in the kitchen when she said I sounded aggressive, then she told me that I was scaring her, so I thought it was a great idea to hand her kitchen knife. lol Looking back that probably wasn’t the brightest idea, but that is what I did in the moment. I felt like if she had a knife, she wouldn’t be afraid of me, I held the blade and handed her the handle of knife from our knife block and said- If you're so afraid, here.
That's when she started crying and I should've known better, I clearly wasn’t thinking straight, but I wouldn’t let the subject go. Then in her drunken state, she called the cops, grabbed our son and drove off without a car seat.
I was so disgusted and felt so powerless, I ended up destroyed a bunch of her jewelry she had made and scratched all her favorite pots and pans. So that isn’t a proud moment in my life.
When officers showed up they gave me two options. They could, Jamie for drunk driving and child endangerment, lol or they could arrest me for some domestic disturbance charge or something like that,
These officers were really nice, they explained that this isn't a big deal, but... since someone called 911, they had to arrest someone, but she could drop the charges. Since I didn’t touch her or threaten to hurt her, so there was no assault. I felt like shit, I didn't want her to get in trouble, but I also didn't want to cave and let them arrest me. but I had no choice.
sitting in jail, waiting to stand before a judge was very strange. we had to pee in front of each other, there like 7 guys in the room and 2 of them were excited and hoping to get 5-7 years in some lock-up, I thought that was totally crazy. those are years of your life that you will never get back. Though I don't recall them explaining what they did, so maybe they had a reason to feel lucky getting 5-7 years behind bars. lol
(I'm pretty sure she drove over to my cousins house on Moss Road, just 5 minutes away. Her sister Amanda was dating my cousin Joey at that time and they were staying there.)
This was around the time Amanda got drunk and ran off into the night, crying and ranting. My cousin Joey and uncle Mike got to try talking her down. lol
23rd
This is the last time court with Shannon after fighting for years and getting nowhere and finally I got in that stupid harassment order, restraining order that she had gotten against me removed after that toothpick rick nonsense. She agreed to give up child support, which I thought was really weird, if you thought I was a monster, wouldn't you try to drain me for all I'm worth?
I thought it was stupid that Judge Sacks had mentioned that my son treated another individual as his father, then used it as justification for go along with this paperwork, my son was 4 at the time.
The judge was talking about my son's, half brother's, dad. This guy was married to someone else and I honestly felt like Shannon was still in love with him and wished he was the father of both her son's.
Mom's house robbed
This was an eventful summer. lol
I'm pretty sure this happened in August, Either way, I was working on my mother‘s bathroom at Hope St, she went to the camp at Fern lake with her boy friend Bob, and it seems like the running theme in motion, I'm feeling sick, so people find me a project. So project required replacing the tub, toilet, vanity/sink, I also tore up and replace the floor boards around the toilet, since they were rotten, then tiled it. All while Dietrich was a baby, sitting in his car seat in the hallway.
I must’ve left the back door unlocked when I left one night and some crackhead broke into the house, stole all kinds of jewelry and tools. I called the police and reported it, I'm not sure how this happened, maybe she came home that morning and discovered the house ransacked or I came back to work, I don't recall at the moment.
I remember the officer on the phone was reluctant to send someone, so I told them that I had a cousin who was a state trooper and I was gonna call them, then they sent a detective.
While here the detective was telling me that it's very difficult to catch thieves and it's very difficult to find fingerprints, But I showed him something that I know I hadn't moved in some time, a CD case and you could see what looked like a fresh print in the dust. Luckily he was able to get trace the print, it was traced back to a Michael Barnett I believe, this guy lived up Lloyd in some type of group home and had a drug issue.
Oh, I was so fracking pissed,
I had just found Grandma Francis‘s wedding ring the week prior and this guy stole it.
That event was enough that Jamie didn’t want to move back there. We did start looking for homes, I even checked out one in Agawam with my mother and we had loans ready, but I don’t remember why it fell through.
Years later I would see that this guy got shot in the chest while breaking into somebody else's home and survived, this has 9 lives and he's use them all.
West Springfield Condo's
After all that Jamie and I ended up moving to an apartment/condo complex on Route 5 in West Springfield, right next-door to Mingles. In the backyard of that apartment there is part of some kind of flood protection levee and there’s a long hill that has a trail on top. You can walk it all the way to the Connecticut river. I used to take Dietrich for a walk and his jogging stroller almost every day on that trail, and I used to find tons of four leaf clovers, I felt terrible, but I thought because I was finding all these four-leafed clovers, my lucky was going to change. lol man was I wrong.
I used to feel trapped living there, I used to feel so alone, that location was terrible, there are still no sidewalks, you can't safely walk to other neighborhoods and there were no people around, ever.
It was just Dietrich and myself, sitting around bored all of the time, the worst part was, he wasn't much of a talker. lol
I got rear-ended getting off the ramp heading north on Route 5, I believe it's exit 13, this is right before we went to Cape Cod in August.
I remember my face and neck feeling like shit and my body feeling like garbage. I remember people telling me that I should feel fine because I looked fine. lol
We only had one car at this time, so I either dropped Jamie off at work and then went to go visit family, so I was stuck home
I did take Dietrich to visit my family as often as I could, my dad was living with Karen, my Aunt Flossie loved seeing him and I spent a lot of time at Hope St.
Looking back is rough, Jamie wasn't supportive at all and still has the same terrible attitude. lol She never once tried to help me figure out what was wrong, she was like everyone else and still is, she expects me to do it all on my own, but I didn't have a clue what was wrong back then. I needed love and support, not judgement and unrealistic expectations.
I needed someone to help me explain how I felt and learn how to describe it better to others.
Ira Bloom
I sold our mobile home on a rent to own basis to a mentally disturbed man Ira Bloom on a rent to own basis. I was sick at this time and dumb, but in the end it worked out anyway . But I ended up signing some handwritten paperwork, agreeing to a rent to own because this guy Ira had invited some older psychologist from Longmeadow to vouch for him.
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Jamie spent a lot of time partying with her coworkers at this time, I’m sure I was miserable to be around and because I was spending so much of my energy on Dietrich I didn’t have energy for her when she got home and that wasn’t fair to her, but that’s how it was. I remember I had to pick her up drunk a few times from friends apartments, Thankfully, I was too much of a train wreck to drink with her. lol
fix grandma hates baby too, add how it made you feel, like it was okay not to bring him, which it wasn't.
Our relationship was a disaster after that and she wanted to move and that's when I met Ira Bloom. I got into a rent to own situation with this mentally disturbed person. At first I thought he was just a concerned father who was having a hard time in his divorce from his wife and I understood because I was having trouble with my wife as well. He told me his X was physically abusing their son and had heard him at the Jewish Community Center in Longmeadow MA and asked if I would call the Department of social services anonymously and say I witnessed some abuse and ask for someone to investigate and I did. Granted it was probably not the brightest idea but I wasn't thinking straight at the time and I didn't think I was hurting anybody by asking someone to investigate an alleged assault allegation. My wife and son had moved to West Springfield at the time and this man kept calling me all the time with concerns and problems. Then my wife and I began renting a house from her father in Springfield Off of Berkshire Ave. Which was unfortunately closer to Boston Road, so this mentally disturbed man contacted me more and more. One day out of the blue he brought up my friend Tammy Lynds who was found dead on Fox Road and asked if I would murder his ex-wife because of the abuse but she was inflicting upon their son, he also told me that he would pay me for my services. He told me he wanted me to murder her rape her and dump her body in another state and make it look like she was robbed At that point I had a friend anonymously called the police and report what Ira had said. I also contacted someone who I knew was looking out for Ira, who helped him pay for our rent a own situation and this man paid the balance of Ira's blooms bill, so that I wouldn't have to deal with Ira ever again, which I was very grateful for. I felt like such a piece of trash when that guy asked me to do that, I couldn't understand how any one would ask me of all people to do something so horrific and bring up my friend who was found dead on the side of the road.
I was also taking ephedra when I was working-out back then, so that didn't help, that gave me a lot of anxiety and caused my heart to race. I was having random uncontrollable panic attacks and I didn't understand what was happening to me at the time, I was struggling trying to hold it together. I told all the doctors I saw and they thought I was faking. We did try seeing a marriage counselor but that was a total disaster. This guy blamed it all on her and then I left those marriage counseling sessions feeling like somebody just told you I told you you were right all along. I'm sure that was terrible for our relationship, I'm sure I was a pompous rear end after that. I used to take my son jogging in the cemetery right up the street every day with our dog, we had a different Pomeranian Hailey back then. I used to love doing that but I would come back really low energy and I don't believe my ex-wife enjoyed that.
August 28th 2003 Grandma Francis died that was terrible I remember my uncle coming up and he was very upset because he felt like he should have spent more time on there and I always wondered why he would cry when it was his own fault that he didn't spend time with his mother
I used to worry about Jamie cheating all the time. I remember when the owner of her work died from liver disease. Then everyone got worried when they found out it was hepatitis , so me being me obvious would ask, why are so many people worried? lol
So the first time I told you, I cut up some of Jamie’s jewelry scratched couple of her pants, cause she was cheating on me and then grabbed my son and ran off drunk driving.
Another time that I caught her cheating. I don’t know if I told you this. When I first met her in 1999 she got a job at a porn shop called book ends in Enfield Connecticut. That’s how I met my buddy Paul. She was friends with her first, but she also worked with this guy Hector. A few years later after our son was born she started getting drunk and hanging around with him and sleeping with him. And then I found out in one night when I was up sick and full of anxiety. He had texted her phone and I saw that she was out cold, so texted him back and invited him to park up the street. I told him I would come outside. The sky waited outside for like 3 1/2 hours and I kept flicking the light in the front of the house. lol I would text him back that Ricky just woke up. I’ll be out in a minute. lol
The next day he found out it was me came over and I was standing in the driveway and wanted to fight. They used to call him fat and stinky and he is so lucky that I was sick at the time because if I felt the way I do now back then and this loser came to my house to start a fight with me while my infant child was there, I would break him in ways. He can’t even imagine. lol I was too sick to even call the cops. I was stupid and just totally out of it. lol not anymore
Jamie and I had split up and I was staying at my mother's house on Hope St. One night in a manic episode, I took a Dremel and scratched the tattoos on my left arm, and then wrapped it in bleach and a paper towel, in an attempt to remove it. It was my wife's name at the time. lol It was horrible I had a chemical burn, and I still have a scar from it. My arm swelled up in a very strange way around my elbow for weeks, I didn't go to the doctor's. I was a complete disaster. I eventually got it covered up, but it took me years.
This fall, I was super fracked up physically and mentally, I used to take Dietrich over to her great grandparents house all the time and I volunteered to clean up their leaves that fall. Man was at a stupid fucking idea for me lol I felt so physically pathetic the entire time. Which reminds me this happened to me while I was cleaning Grandma Stebbins leaves in her yard was smaller back in 2015. I’ll have to write about that. Cleaning up Dietrich's great-great grandparents turned down to be a nightmare, and I had to call a cousin and pay him to pick up the leaves in front of the house. On one of the visits over to the Bishop’s Bob had backed out of his garage and into the side of my grandmother’s car that I had borrowed to bring Dietrich over. I had gone over a few times because he had fallen and couldn’t get up and he would wait for me to get from Springfield all the way to West Springfield. He always had such a great attitude about it, I’d show up and I see his little hand waving from between the bed and the wall when I enter the room, His wife Vi seemed so embarrassed about it every time, but I loved going over and visiting and took every opportunity to chat with them.
December 2003
Christmas, I was back and forth living at Welland and Hope St.
I remember I took a picture of Dietrich and Hailey wearing antlers, in front of our fireplace. I was buying Dietrich tons of these dragon, mega block series toys, and storing them in the closet, hoping that he would love building and creating things in the future. I also set up a little 2 gallon turtle tank with goldfish in his room. I remember Hailey pooped at the bottom of his crib stairs one time and I made her sit outside for hours, lol she sat in the same spot for like five hours, she knew she did something wrong. lol
Those two were so gross, Hailey and Dietrich used to share food all the time. I used to have to chase him away from her dog dish. lol
At some point I brought our BowFlex from my mothers house and put it in our laundry area on Welland Ave, I would try to work out all the time, but I kept getting weaker and weaker. I went from being able to leg press all the cables, to struggling to do half the weight and worrying I was going to get hurt.
Charles came over a few times as well and we would watch WWF and WCW, we would get nachos from Casa de Nana on Boston Road, it was a blast. I used to play chess with Charles all the time.
Jamie and I took Dietrich to some Christmas party at the Polish American club in Agawam right outside Pheasant Hill on route 57. I remember feeling like a complete disaster at this time because Jamie and I were not getting along. Got to give her credit for trying. lol
There is an awesome hill in the backyard at Welland and that winter I took Dietrich sledding down it every chance I got. I had made a bunch of videos, but I’m not sure if they still exist.
Sometime in December Jamie and I went out to dinner at the Olive Garden and I nagged her into giving me another chance and I must’ve been convincing lol it’s not funny but what else can I do? I’m not going to cry about it.
The Dremel Incident
I was spiraling out of control and left alone, So I don't know what the hell I was really thinking,, or why I thought sanding the skin off my arm would help solve any of my issues in that moment, but I had a couple beers, sat alone in the room as was staying in, in my moms basement, lol then started sanding the skin on my arm.
Which totally didn't workout how I had hoped, I was expecting a rub burn type reaction, but I don't know what happened, but by skin didn't want to sand off. lol
My skin started leaking fluid and I started to use paper-towels to tap my skin dry, like when a tattoo artist wipes the ink away, but everything I cleaned was clear, it was like that area of my skin was sweating.
I wasn't happy with how long with was taking, so I thought that using bleach would help, and used that on the paper-towels , while trying different Dremel bits on my skin, it was horrific, I was a disaster.
After my skin was all inflamed, but still resisting the Dremel bits, I decided to soak paper-towel in bleach, place them on tattoo, then bandage my arm and go to bed.
when I woke up, the elbow area of my arm was all swollen, but the swelling went down when I lifted my arm. that weird swelling issue persisted for a month after.
Jamie and I took Dietrich to the Holyoke Mall shortly after this, I remember my arm was throbbing in pain, while was watching Dietrich staring at all the Christmas decorations as we walked by the pictures with Santa area they had set up. I remember thinking to myself, WTF is wrong with me, why can't I hold it together and why won't anyone help me? why does everyone have to act like a bunch of selfish fucking pricks all the time? people can't they don't know and help you search for answers, they abandon you, they expect you to figure it out yourself. lol I eventually do, but Jesus Christ, did it need to be after I left a trial of shit behind me a mile long? lol
January
January
CNA
Around time I started going to the Red Cross on Cottage Street in Springfield, I had started taking classes to become a certified nurse's aide. I remember getting straight A's in that class and the teacher told me that I really need to do something advanced with my education and stop aiming so low. I took that as a compliment, but I felt absolutely horrible at the time, both physically and mentally, so I didn't do anything about it. She always told me questions were way to advanced. lol She told me I'll never do anything to help someone's diagnosis as a nurses aid, but I was struggling emotionally and my anxiety was through the roof at the time, I wasn't sleeping well, so I was happy to feel like I could accomplish anything. I met Shannon Brusso here at CNA school and we stayed on touch for years after, but lost touch after I got sick over and over. lol
I finished CNA school in January I got a job at nursing home Wingate at Wilbraham. That’s one of those dumb things man these companies tell you they would’ve paid you to go to school after you already yourself and they won’t reimburse you. lol
It was around this time. I bought a surround sound system with a DVD player from circuit city and I used to watch Star Trek Wrath of Khan with Dietrich all the time. I would fast forward it to the ship battles and he would pull up his little couch and watch. Charles would still come over for wrestling at this time as well, I’m sure things must’ve been weird for him, but he tried lol
February
Dietrich’s birthday party at the house I felt like a complete disaster.
Shortly after certified nurses aide school, I started working at Wingate at Wilbraham, it is nursing home for the elderly and surgically patients that required more time to heal in a monitored setting, for fall risks.
I enjoyed working with the patients and fellow CNA there, but I really thought it was a prison for the defenseless, in my honest opinion. I don't think those patients were treated right. I took every opportunity I could to walk people outside on my breaks, even though management tried to discourage me from doing it. I even found out that one of my aunts was staying there, a great aunt on my father's side and I started making nightly visits to her on my breaks.
It's sad that I can't remember her name at the moment, but she was a very nice woman, she was related to my grandma Stebbins, who was originally a Picard, I even used to bring my son to work to show the elderly people, I would always try to cheer them up on my days off and I loved seeing my aunt, she would light up like a Christmas tree when she saw him. I don't understand why people stick family in nursing homes, especially when we know people aren't getting the best care and being away from family causes psychological issues, I felt so bad for those elderly residents, I knew they were trapped there until they died and there was no hope of ever escaping.
Nursing Home Vet
One old World War Two vet told me about his life, he told me this horrific story of when and his company stormed the beach at Normandy, and how so many of his friends were cut down right there and he had to keep moving, there was nothing he could do to save them.
His worst story was more recent.
He was one of the few lucky people to win the lottery, them his son had both he and his wife placed in separate nursing homes, and he hadn't been able to see his wife since.
His own son abandoned him and the love of his life, and in the end, he was powerless to do anything about it, it was heartbreaking to hear.
I was to sick and stupid to think for myself at the time, I could've called the other nursing home of found a way to spend time with each other, but I just listened and now I feel a piece of shit for not acting. lol WTF, who trained us to turn our backs on people and just listen to their horror stories? especially when we have the power to change things.
March
Hector... lol
Was around March that I caught Jamie sleeping with a guy that she used to work with at bookends. He had a job as a security guard and she would go visit him and they would hang out and get drunk after. lol I couldn’t sleep so I stayed up playing a lot of Star Trek Fleet command online I believe it was. Either way you got to build a starship and go fight other people, I had severe anxiety and was having a panic attack and that helped focus my mind. It was like 11 o’clock and Jamie was asleep and her phone went off and it was this guy Hector and I couldn’t help but respond. lol First, I scrolled back through her text and discovered that they were having relations lol And then I invited him over and told him that I would sneak out of the house and pull around with them up the street. lol The sky drove over and waited like 3 1/2 hours hoping for Jamie to come outside. I would flick the lights now and then and text them back saying Ricky just woke up. I’ll be out in a minute or Dietrich started crying. I gotta put him back to bed. This guy was so excited to hook up with Jamie. lol Eventually, at like 4 o’clock in the morning, he drove away ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
The next afternoon Hector came back pissed off. It was yelling and screaming in the driveway. So I was forced to confess what I did with her phone and call her out on sleeping with him at the same time. Which I find absolutely now, I was too sick and stupid to call the cops or to get up off my ass and go out there and beat this motherfracker's ass. Like this pathetic fracker came to our house with our infant son inside and wanted to fight over the fact that he was fracking somebody else’s wife, even if we were having problems. lol
Stanley Park
This spring Jamie and I took Dietrich to Stanley Park in Westfield, and I had gotten video of a frog jumping out of my hand and getting into his mouth lol
I have no idea if he likes little critters, but I had always hoped he'd fall in love with them the way I have and want to start terrariums and build tanks to breed them in.
Surgery
Dietrich had to have surgery around this time and I was a disaster and I remember the doctors being fracking idiots, I started ignoring their instructions on how to care for him, and all of his issues went away.
I have always loved scaring people and freaking people out and getting reactions out of them. I used to scare my grandma Francis all the time. I’ll have to tell you stories about that but We were living on Welland Avenue at the time and Jamie was in the basement with her sister and I was in the kitchen with Dietrich and the basement door was open, So I grabbed Dietrich and moved him right to the top of the stairs, And then I laid on the floor while I was holding his legs and waited for the girls to see him and freak out. lol
We had some kind of family party in the backyard. I remember playing horseshoes with my father and brother and Jamie‘s brother. But I can’t remember what it was for because her birthday and mine are September and October, Dietrich is February so Maybe Mother’s Day?
Mother’s Day of this year, before I tried to kill myself, I went to JCPenney and bought some jewelry for Jamie thinking that would help repair our relationship. lol Then I went back and returned it to the store, I remember the sales lady being super pissed. I don’t blame her. I guess they work on commission. lol What a terrible thankless job to have.
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April
Marriage Councilor
Sometime after Dietrich was born Jamie, tried speaking with a marriage counselor. And the guy took my side of the story like gospel. I remember leaving these therapy sessions feeling so vilified I think that’s the word. I left there practically telling her this guy thinks you’re a piece of crap too. Which definitely did not help my attitude. But I was sick at the time so I thought that that was a good idea, to blame her for what is obviously a two person problem. So many things happen in such a short period of time man my life is absolutely ridiculous.
I was taking online courses at STCC we were living on Welland Ave in Indian Orchard I'd worked one day at Circuit City and then had a panic attack and then maybe January I started going to CNA school and this is around the time I used to Dremel tool all the scratch those tattoos on my left arm and put the bleach on it
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2004-08-18
My First Attempt
I can't remember exactly how this unfolded at the moment, but it's amazing how many details we skip over when telling a story.
We were splitting up at that point, so I don't know what set me on this path, but I wasn't really thinking straight.
While I was working at Wingate at Wilbraham, a friend of mine Shannon from CNA school, who also started working there, she was continuing her education and was in school to be a nurse at this time.
So at some point I started contemplating hurting myself. At this time I felt like I couldn't do anything right. The only joy I had in my life was my son and I was struggling to fake being happy, when I really felt empty inside, I felt worthless, now my wife and I were splitting up and I couldn't even understand how it all went wrong. Even though I had all the answers, my mind wasn't letting me put all the pieces together.
I felt mentally and physically horrible, and the worst part is no one believed me. I don't think I ever stopped trying to talk about things. I probably overwhelmed people with information they didn't understand, or I was starting arguments as a way to force a conversation.
I felt like nothing I did was good enough. I would compare my old self, to my current self, then try to understand why other people were appearing to succeed, when I felt like I couldn't even help myself, let alone help other people.
It's clear that one else around me had a clue what I was experiencing, unfortunately I still feel like certain members my family were never very supportive, so it's made trying to communicate difficult.
One night while playing on the computer in the room over by the garage. I remember asking Shannon how much alcohol someone would need to drink before dying of alcohol poisoning. I don't know if I was reaching out for help or just trying to confirm the idea would work.
At some point after that I went to the store and grabbed a large bottle of vodka, a pint of Captain Morgan's 151. I drove back to the house and drank it all in under 15 minutes, I want to guess around 8:30-9 pm, I downed it as fast as I could, then I went and laid in the basement, there was a bar area that was just used as storage. For whatever reason, I thought going down there and laying on a tiled concrete floor was the way to go. lol
I have vague memories of someone telling me about being found in the basement, so I'll share what I remember being told.
Jamie and Amanda found me and then tried to talk to me while I was drunk and tried to talk to me about Dietrich. At some point my mother and brother were called, I recall trying to talk about Ira saying I killed Tammy and everybody jokes about it, then I told my brother Ira wanted me to kill his ex. lol Tammy's been a conversation that no one has wanted to have for 30+ years, I'm sure me talking spooked everyone. I know I tried talking to people about Ira, but no one wanted to listen, I thought it was just me, so I stopped talking about him for years.
I think the worst part of these memories is being reminded of all the times people would ask- what's wrong, and then I would try to explain all these feelings I was having, that most people try to ignore. One thing I've noticed about myself is that I have always tried to understand my thoughts and feelings, even when these feelings were driving me insane.
I was still super drunk when I was finally able to stand, I either pissed myself while unconscious or I did it when I got up, because of the incredible amount of pain I was in. lol I remember laughing a lot. I've always laughed when in pain or when I'm uncomfortable, it's a react I've tried to get rid of, but I don't even know where it came from and I'm aware that people can find it rude or off-putting in certain situations, but I was in no shape to control my reactions at this point.
I had to be brought to the emergency room at Baystate, I assume it was my mother or brother. While in the ER waiting for doctors to speak. I remember my brother telling me how stupid I sounded, because I kept saying it felt like there was fluid pooling on the side of my face. I assume it was from the nerve compression and wasn't actual fluid, plus the fact that I still felt drunk and mentally unwell.
I was diagnosed with rhabdomyolysis , I ended up with muscle and nerve damage on my right quad near my knee, on my right pectoral muscle, the lower center part where it attaches to the center of my sternum and the right side of my jaw has bothered me ever since, the right side of my face looks like my jaws alignment is off as well. lol Years ago, these areas looked deflated or like muscle was missing, so it was a constant visual reminder of that event.
I remember feeling physically crippled in the hospital, This muscle damage pain was quite severe. The muscle breakdown caused protein to overload my kidneys, so I was being flushed with IVs constantly.
I spent a week or so at Bay State hospital before I was sent to their Psych Ward for another week or so.
While in the regular area of the hospital, I was given a babysitter lol Someone to watch over me 24/7, so I didn’t have the opportunity to do anything crazy. I remember watching Alien vs Predator on a laptop and thinking it was a terrible bootleg copy, plus the movie had no substance. lol I guess my family thought that watching movies and not talking about what I did was the best thing to do.
I tried to talk to the girls that we’re watching over me, I even remember one of the girls was someone I knew from OLSH. I’m pretty sure her name is Erin. Either way, I felt like a fracking idiot. I couldn’t explain why I did what I did or why no one could figure out what was going on with me. But I do remember that most of them were very kind and they tried to be understanding.
There was one nasty worker who was always rude, I wanted to complain about her, so a nurse thought she was going to put me on the spot and called that worker in the room and tried to make me feel uncomfortable and was probably hoping I'd recant my complaint, I honestly can't remember how the conversation went. I recall the nurse being very pissy and the worker always sounded pissy, but I don't recall if I stood up for myself.
A lot of my doctors I thought we’re just fucking dickheads lol and considering that I figured out my health issues on my own, I was right.
I remember Jamie's sister Amanda (who ended up marrying my cousin Joey at some point around here) coming to visit me in the hospital, but I don’t remember what we talked about, I don’t remember ever talking after that moment (she did say "supp" at a family picnic in 2012. lol). So I can just imagine what I said to her. lol But at the same time, I was so fracked up and in so pain, I know I didn't understand what was going on.
Before I was sent to a psych ward, I started to walk around and paste those hallways in the intensive care area I was in, even though I was in a shat ton of pain, I could not sit still, I felt trapped and I needed to go nowhere. lol I remember wishing I could jump out the window and escape across the roof, but I had no idea where I wanted to go, I just didn't want to lay there doing nothing, I felt I needed to do something, but I had no idea what.
After I was deemed physically well enough to be released from the hospital itself, I was placed in Baystate's psych ward, on the fifth floor.
I met some really nice people up there. I remember one guy with a soul patch on his chin, he was there because the psych medications he was taking were causing him side effects. There was another guy there because he was having issues because of kidney stones and the medication doctors prescribed him for the pain, had a negative reaction cause him to also suffer some mental side effect, so he was locked up with us until he was stable. There were two girls that hung-out with our little group. The staff complained that we were getting along so well and tried to claim that our laughing was disruptive and distressing to other patients. Which was a lie, I don't think they liked seeing us happy and socializing. That's just the impression I got.
I have a few vague memories of speaking with a doctor, but I don't remember them ever being productive conversations, more about drugs and how the drugs are making me feel and not about what caused all my problems in the first place, it was more about covering up my problems.
At some point my doctor had mentioned keeping me, because they didn't know what was wrong with me, he mentioned needing to go to court and then something about me being kept somewhere for 6 months. I don't recall if it was this hospital or another.
I felt totally trapped while in that psych ward, I started pacing up and down the hallway as soon as I got there. I even checked all the rooms and would move ceiling tiles around, hoping to find a way out and got caught doing it. lol I can't recall what was said, but people seemed pissed to me.
I felt like doctors just kept trying to drug me. I didn't feel like they were trying to treat me or try to understand what was going on. My mother showed up and felt acted like a pompous ass, she would say ridiculous things like just tell me what’s wrong, It’s OK I’ll understand, I won’t be mad. That just made me feel stupid and reminded me of all the crap she gave me growing up. And I’ve tried so hard to be close with her, but man she pisses me off. lol
Even though talking to the other patients helped, I was still a complete disaster, I felt like the doctors weren't listening and the medication that they were giving me had made me worse than when I arrived, not better.
So I noticed that the hospital was kind of lax on security around the doors during family visits, so I plotted my escape, even though I was super fracked up physically, I had no idea where that stairwell led, but I might have asked people who came to visit. I don't recall. maybe they had a fire escape plan listed, because I don't remember feeling confused or concerned with where I was going, I was only worried about my body pushing through the pain.
I feel bad for this staff girl, but as one family was leaving, The door didn’t close fast enough, and I burst through it and down the Five flights of stairs, Out the front doors, through the parking lot and up Dover street and took a left on Main Street. Even in my crippled state, with my chest and right quad screaming at me, I was in far superior physical shape than that staff woman. lol Panic and anxiety fueled me that night and fortunately/unfortunately, she gave Police the wrong description of the clothes I was wearing, so I was able to walk past a number of officers in the area. For a moment I consider
I don’t know why I thought seeing my son would make me feel better, I don’t recall Jamie contacting me in the hospital, I had no reason to believe I'd find the answers I was looking for there, but I chose to walk to Welland Avenue anyway. It was such a painful walk, but I was a man on a mission. lol It’s only fitting that when I got there there was an extra car in the driveway, When I walked up to the front door, there was a picture window to the left and Hailey must of heard something outside or I don’t know. lol
Either way when the blonds moved I could see Jamie and her future ex-husband Dan, naked on the couch through the blinds. lol After that, I walked to 5 mile and sat there for a couple hours, Mentally, I felt completely fracked and had no idea what to do with my life or what was going on or why I felt the way I did. I remember telling different therapists this years later and they all laughed, they all asked if it was a rude awakening. I asked all of them where was my son? why wasn't anyone there for me emotionally? or concerned about my well being? lol
The next morning, I had my mother bring me back to Baystate, and then I sat on a bench outside the hospital, deciding what to say to doctors when I walked back inside.
One of the doctors I had been speaking happened to noticed me when he looked out a window, he had enough time to walk down and outside. We talked for a few minutes, he told me that he was going to release me, because they couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me and that they knew that they couldn’t keep me. lol Which I think is a bunch of bullshat and a total fracking cop out, but at this point, I hadn’t had any blood work yet, that I know of, that show shows I had a thyroid issue.
After getting back to Hope st, I took 100 Extra Strength Tylenol at once, I remember dry heaving a little the first night and then expecting my body to feel worse, but oddly enough I started to feel better.
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I hung out with one girl once after getting out of the psych ward. She came over and parked her car in front of my house. We sat out there and talked for hours, then we made out. lol but I remember I just wanted to keep talking, I never hung out with her again after that.
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I talked to Jamie a couple times about getting divorced and about me signing my rights to Dietrich away to Dan. I distinctly remember her going on and on about how happy Dietrich is with Dan and how Dietrich doesn't even remember me, so it's not a big deal. She went on and on about how strong Dan was. lol Which is kind funny to me know, cause I get super weak when I'm sick, so I'm happy she found someone healthier.
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I talked to Jamie a couple times about getting divorced and about me signing my rights to Dietrich away to Dan. I distinctly remember her going on and on about how happy Dietrich is with Dan and how Dietrich doesn't even remember me, so it's not a big deal. She went on and on about how strong Dan was. lol Which is kind funny to me know, cause I get super weak when I'm sick, so I'm happy she found someone healthier.
I saw Jamie at mingles, she didn't notice me, I was going to take a picture of her and send it to her, but decided against it. weird that I sang karaoke with my friends all night and she was completely oblivious to her surroundings. lol
When my son reached out to me and I didn't know what to say I reached out to other adults and they made it about themselves one person even was so far as to tell me they were the only person that could come Dietrich's father down and it made me wonder what got him so upset in the first place
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