2010
February 2nd: ice fishing at 5-MILE. I think it was just Reno, Brian, and me that day; I don't think anyone else showed up, maybe. There were a few of us around this time who would meet up and go ice fishing.
Brian was a big dude, so you can imagine how big this bullhead is as he's holding his hand up next to it. This thing was a monster lol
2009? Move later
The first time I took Brian Small fishing on my boat, I had to have him sit in the front. I think he was close to the weight limit himself, let alone with the motor and me in it as well, but we managed. I don’t think he believed me when I said we’d go turtle hunting, and I built up speed and rammed the boat in the swampy area, knocking down Cat O’ Nice tails and using my net to scoop in the lily pads, but it worked. This is one of those times I remember my elbows being on fire, and it was driving me insane trying to figure out why everything was starting to hurt.
*2026 reflection: I just wanted to add more adventures with Bran, even though it needs to be placed correctly. It’s times like this I miss him, since no one else I know currently feels like fishing or hanging out. He’s been gone a couple of years now, and it sucks realizing more and more what my illness took from me. My getting sick in 2015 put an end to our relationship the way it was; then Mingles closed. I wasn’t there for him when his mom passed, and he got depressed, then started drinking more. *
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Misty Dawn Strong died 2010-02-14
Born 2-1-1982, daughter of Phil and Lisa Strong, older sister of James and Amber
Misty was an awesome cousin. My last memory of hanging out with her was running into her downtown in 2005. After going to some bar, I had gotten separated from this girl Sandy I was seeing. She didn't know the area, so I was just going to walk home, but as luck would have it, I ran into Misty, and thankfully she and her friends gave me a ride home. I remember crying in the parking lot about her mother being murdered and Uncle Brian dying. This is sad to write; I never got to meet her kids. She lived in North Carolina at the time of her passing.
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2010 Advantage sale and marketing 2010-2012
I caught the biggest crampy I've ever seen at Dimmock Pond right there at Hubbard Park on Parker St
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The picture below is Random visit to Ellie and Billy's house in Monson. This reminds me of the battery powered hunk of junk that I had as a child, though I was way too big for mine when I got it.
I thought it was great Dom could ride this over the place at Ellie and Billy's, since they had a huge yard.
There's no room for stuff like that here on Hope St.
This year I raced the Westfield Wildwater canoe races with a girl I was dating JJ, my brother and his friend Todd Collins were a team.
We both raced in the Coleman class, I thought for sure that we were going to beat my brother and his friend, But I was starting get sick at this time, I remember it well because I had started to develop erectile dysfunction and I found it very embarrassing. lol
In the pictures below you can see that I'm wearing these black elbow straps. My elbows were on fire at this time, and nothing I did ever made them feel better.
I didn't want to miss out on everything, so I just did everything anyway, even when hurt.
The second picture is right after JJ and I took on water. We had just passed through the roughest part of the race, but we took on to much water and I wasn't able to maneuver us towards shore, so we flipped.
Then I got this bright idea and I thought I was going to be strong enough yank the canoe out of the water, I don't know what the hell I was thinking.
Like an idiot, I wasted way too much time trying to pull that canoe, then I smartened up and dragged the canoe over to the side of the river and struggled to pull it out, at least we were able to continued on. lol
Coleman results
JJ and I- 19th place at 1 hour 22 minutes and 47 seconds.
Robert Stebbins and Todd Collin 14th place at 1 hour 19 minutes and 27 seconds.
My sick ass and a girl almost beat two grown men that day(My brother served and I think Todd did too).... Imagine if JJ had a real man or woman on her team that day... She might've gotten first place..... lol
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Griswold Center- Spring Time?
I didn't feel like the blind therapist was working out, so decided to try out a new therapist in Palmer.
During these sessions I tried to explain that I'm not the same person right now, as I was when I was talking to these people in the past, I told these prescribers that I didn't think or feel the same, that something felt very wrong.
I even tried to explain my erectile dysfunction and how ED medication didn't help, but it was like talking to a wall. I don't feel like those prescribers listened at all; I don't feel like any therapists or psychiatrists or psychologists that I've ever seen ever actually listened; they just want you to forget your issues and move on when things get complicated.
I was so desperate at this point; I was feeling extra terrible about my erectile dysfunction. lol
Since this what caused things to sour with Janine. I wanted answers so badly that I even invited Darlene to my counseling sessions as well, and tried to show her that these therapists don't listen, that they're not trying to get to the bottom of my issues, and I felt totally lost and didn't know what 45 minutes every few weeks was supposed to accomplish.
I was willing to try anything to help explain what was going on with me, and both Darlene and my therapist were all for it.
A part of me thought having Darlene there to back me up would help get this woman to understand and take this seriously; instead, I got the feeling she just wanted to put things off until I forgot about them, since she didn’t seem to understand and I couldn’t find the right words to explain what I was feeling.
This is one of the first times that I really remember noticing that therapists don't really ask you "why" you "think" you feel the way you do or where we think all of our thoughts come from in the first place, and made this me want to start tracking how "I think" and investigate why "I feel" the way "I do", Especially because at the time I felt like those thoughts and feelings seemed to change for no apparent reason, it didn't make any sense to me and nothing she said had anything to do with erectile dysfunction, racing thoughts, muscle weakness or anything I felt was helpful. lol
Everything about that place brought back memories. Even putting the quarter in that stupid machine to raise the gate to leave, it reminds me of being little and wanting to put the change in. I loved doing that. lol
It's sad to think every single therapist I've ever talked to has tried to help me forget about my issues and tried to get me to move on, without ever discovering what caused my problems in the first place.
If anything, their inability to see the big picture caused me more confusion and made my issues worse. I'm not sure how long human beings have been trying to figure things out or how long they've been attempting to communicate with each other, but I can assure people that therapists are some of the worst people at helping people communicate what they're actually thinking; they’re terrible at helping people figure out why things are happening.
It takes more than 40 minutes every 2 to 4 weeks to learn what "makes someone tick", you need to give people homework so they can figure themselves out.
How the hell can you have therapists trying to help other people when these therapists don't even understand themselves?
I feel like I totally wasted my time; I tried my hardest talking to these people. I was willing to totally open myself up to these people, but I don't feel like anyone ever listened or was prepared to document what I was struggling with, and I think my records reflect that. These doctors and therapists never took my issues seriously. No one ever really wanted to talk. I don't even understand what therapy is all about anymore, especially now that I've figured out so many of my issues "on my own" and seeing what I had to go through to figure it out.
I even brought Darlene to a couple of therapy appointments to try to help explain how something was wrong with me. lol, how many people are willing to bring exes to therapists and admit there’s a problem? How many therapists ignore it?
*2026 reflection: I tried to get these older records, since these locations are still active, but I wasn’t able to get these notes, which seems odd because AI says there’s a law granting me access. Either way, I find it mind-numbing that I was bringing ex-girlfriends to doctor's appointments and trying to rely on those close to me, when so-called medical professionals have access to equipment that can help me diagnose my own issues. Also, trying to explain all of a sudden having erectile dysfunction and not being interested in women is a hard thing to explain, and even having help didn’t solve anything.*
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I'm not sure why my mental health records are not complete in this area; I'm going to have to keep looking.
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*2026 reflection- It’s sickening to think I figured this all out, on my own, without any higher education. Yeah, sure, I watched a lot of TV, read all kinds of books, took a couple college courses, and then went to medical assisting school to try to get to the bottom of things, but I didn't go to a "university"; I never "graduated", not even from community college, yet I was still able to use deductive reasoning and the process of elimination to figure out my issues.*
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Our of order?
I fixed the front railing after the races; it was way too dangerous not having something to protect you from falling in the bushes. lol Dom wanted to go for a ride to Home Depot to get supplies.
Seeing him right on the lumber carts reminded me of going to the Grossman's with my family when we were younger. My dad used to go there for supplies all the time. It was at the location where the Rick's auto body is now, on Pasco Rd next to Loon Pond.
April 20th
2010-04-20
I don't know what I was thinking; I decided to replace the windows and side our house on Hope St. by myself. Needless to say, this was so overwhelming; I don't know what the hell I was thinking. At the time, I had just gotten money back from doing my taxes. Since I was able to claim my sister and nephew, I got a larger refund than I usually got, so I put it towards fixing the house, but man, was it overwhelming. lol
At one point while replacing the small window in the living room, I didn’t pay attention to how things were set up, and I was probably rushing. Then the ladder collapsed while I was standing on it and holding the window. I should've known the ground was too soft, but I wasn't thinking straight, and once I climbed up, it folded under the weight.
I smashed my left kneecap when I saved the window, and my knee made me regret it for months after that, but only when I was sitting still; if I was moving my knee, it felt fine.
When I would sit or lie still, my knee felt like it was tearing itself apart. lol Sleeping was the worst experience for months after that; driving was super annoying. lol I didn't have to move much; I just had to move, and the pain would disappear.
This next picture was taken May 20th. I was going to finish the house, but I ended up going fishing instead
You can see the rail is finished in this picture
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May 22nd, we had a benefit golf tournament for Mike C. This was over at Veterans Memorial Golf Course on South Branch Parkway. I've never done anything like that before; it was a lot of ridiculousness. lol someone flipped a golf cart. Someone found a way to get the golf carts to go faster. And for some reason there were a lot of dead frogs all over the place.
2010-05-29
Brian, Frank, and I went fishing to a couple of places.
The first spot was in Northampton. That's in the picture below. You can't tell, and for whatever reason we didn't take any pictures, but there's a path behind where I'm standing that leads down to a little beach area, and while down there, Bryan was bottom fishing from above with a shoner and caught a large snapping turtle; then he tossed his pole down to Frank. Once he got it, we tried to pull it ashore, but the turtle was huge and it ended up snapping the line and swimming away.
And these pictures are from the same day, but in Indian Orchard, behind the factories; the first is above the dam and the second is below. There’s a boat launch above the dam, Brian caught a monster that day, Frank was struggling to keep up.
Below the dam
While in Indian Orchard, I caught this baby goose over by the car before we went fishing. I let Frank hold it, then he asked me if it had teeth. I told him yes; he panicked and dropped it. lol
Thankfully it landed in the grass, but I didn't know that guys thought birds had teeth. lol
Maybe Frank knew something I didn't, and I was really the lucky one; maybe baby geese are the most vicious baby birds of them all. lol
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June 1st Me and Brian hanging out at Mingles
Szot park Chicopee
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June
Justin Pauze died 2010-06-24 born 1978-05-10
died in a motorcycle crash on Wilbraham Rd. He was a high school buddy, he took print with my cousin Joey. He was currently working with another high school buddy Peter Lafleur. Justin and I used to go to bars and hang out. I'm pretty sure he's how I met Brian Miller, unless it was Joe Thomas. Unless it was because Brian also worked at Papa Gino's in Wilbraham with Joey.
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June 25
Pic below is of me and the lead singer of Derek and the Fun Bags at Maximum Capacity after going to the Chicopee Festival at Szot. I don't remember whose idea it was, but somebody wanted me to get my face painted like Spider-Man. I allowed it; I couldn't see it, so I didn't care. I said go for it. lol When I saw it in the mirror, I thought it looked pretty cool. I was a little concerned since the lady painting wasn’t sure how my head would turn out; she was used to doing faces and small designs, but was all for giving it a try.
June 26 Misquamicut Beach
From left to right, it's Frank, me, Brian, Marc, and Rich
4th of July
Marc hosted a party at his apartment in West Springfield.
Out of all the events we experienced as a group, this one is probably the most memorable for me for a number of reasons.
I brought the slip-and-slide, since I hadn’t used one of these things in decades; I thought it would be a blast from the past, and it was. I raced, and I think I beat Brian in our race; I held hands with Rich, and we slid down together once. I raced down in the thong I wore, and later on in the evening Kyle went streaking down it, only to be stopped by the bushes. That ended our slip-and-slide run. lol.
This is the first time I ever recall seeing and using an ice luge, and I thought it was the coolest thing. We went and picked it up at 343 Main St in Agawam; it was the most unsuspecting place. I’m not sure where they got it from, but these guys carted out a huge block of ice, asked how you wanted it cut, hit it with a chainsaw, and sent you on your way.
We had a table and played beer pong off and on for hours. Though I wasn’t in the mood to drink, so I took it easy.
At the end of the night, someone had some fireworks, so they let a few off, and one bounced off a neighbor's house; then Kyle and Nimmo decided to put on a wrestling match for us all. Which was fantastic; you could tell they were giving it their all, and then it ended with a hug,
July 27 Bowling with Dom
July 30 Took a ride up Redbridge fishing
I'm not sure what these remnants of the old factory are up river at Red Bridge, but it looks pretty cool
August 1st monster trucks at Stafford Springs Motor Speedway, I'm pretty sure this was his first monster trucks event, either way it was a blast, I've loved monster trucks since I was a child. It always reminds me of when my dad took a set of Springfield Civic Center To see them when we were kids
I'm writing this in the year 2025 so this was taken 15 years ago and I think I'm still a little bit taller than him, I'm not sure but I'm going to go with that. lol
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The Mingles gang went camping in Sturbridge, MA. This place was pretty awesome. This was a place Darlene and her family had annual sites at in the past.
It had a pond with giant carp and largemouth bass, and an indoor pool with a hot tub. They had karaoke; one of our songs got cut off because the adults felt that might have been a little too mature for children. My Buddy Reno wanted to sing Nickelback’s “Figured You Out.” lol That's not allowed at campsites. We ddin’t come prepared at all, lol I don’t know what we were thinking, so at one point we need to venture our for wood, but didn’t have a saw, so we had to borrow a skill saw, which totally sucks for cutting logs, but we made it work. lol
Nothing to exciting happened this trip, except Brian almost catching himself on fire with a marshmallow
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August 24th took Dom to the Westfield International air show at Barnes, I've always loved going to these show since I was a little kid.
This September we got the season passes to the Big E, and I won this little monkey. I met Brian and Marc there almost every night, I believe, and Norm. This trip was one of the last times I went down the yellow slide. Since my butt muscles hate going down it. Lol, but Brian wanted to race down and wanted to wager that the loser got to buy people's next snacks, so I was all for it, thinking I was going to fly down that slide, but I didn’t. I ended up doing terribly, and I came in last, then got to buy the next round. Lol, which I thought totally sucked. I didn't want to race cause I was hurting, and I still lost to Brian, Marc, and Norm. wtf
This monkey's still hanging in the basement it's 2025
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September 30th Marc, Kyle and I went to a Bruins preseason game. I've never gone to a professional hockey game before or since, it was a lot of fun. We saw some awesome street performers outside of the stadium, playing drums on 5 gallon buckets. I got to take a picture with the team mascot. lol
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For my birthday this year my friends held a party at Max cap
Ivan- black shirt, Damont W- B hat(behind Ivan). Norm- NY hat, Jess in back, Me looking like a princess, Marc in back, Rich- Grey NEW YORK jersey, backwards cap, Jessica B- white shirt in front. Eric B,{ behind Jessica B, Amanda- white and black top, Erin- Back top on the right.
This picture of me in front of "Ricky's Porta-Potty" was taken the same night, but I don't remember where. lol I guess I'd rather you think of me while taking a poop in Ricky's Porta-Potty, than never think of me at all. lol
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The pictures below are from October 12th, the Mingles gang went to Mike's maze at Warner farm in Sunderland.
I'm pretty sure it was Mark, Reno, Jess, Erin, Frank, Jessica B, Rich, (maybe Erica B and Brittany) Darlene and I went to the corn maze and shot potato guns. We got to take a little pumpkin with us with the purchase of a maze ticket.
On the way back we stopped at Bub's Bar-B-Q on Route 47 in Sunderland. Marc had talked about how great this place was; he said he had stopped by here while riding his motorcycle in the past. This is right up the street from another favorite quick hike, Mt Sugarloaf.
The brisket was delicious,
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10-14?
Brian challenged me to a race while we were over at Amanda and Marcos's. They happened to rent a place at the aparts/condos that I used to live in with Jamie and Dietrich back in 2004. It was so weird being back there and jogging in the same area that I used to take my son for a walk.
I can still remember how excited I felt to race Brian that day. He bet me dinner that he was faster than I was, and I’ll give him credit; he gave it his all, but there was no way I was going to let him beat me, not Chunky Lovin. lol, I also raced and beat Frank that day, but I couldn’t find pictures of that.
I also raced Rich one time out front of Amanda and Marco's apartment, but he ended up falling and doing a log roll to keep from getting all scraped up, so there was no winner that time. I don't know what it was about their place that got us in the mood to run, but we did.
October 17th
Darlene, Eric, Brittany, and I went to 6 Flags.
That's when I got my Green Lantern sweatshirt. It was freezing that day, and Darlene wore a light shirt and expected my bitch ass to hand over my hoodie, which wasn’t going to happen. lol. I wasn’t going to freeze my ass off while she stayed nice and warm, so I bought that one-size-fits-all thing, though I would have preferred something a little cooler-looking, considering it has a hero logo on it. Of course I gave Darlene my old hoodie and wore Green Lantern myself.
We got to smoke some weed while there, then we smoked some before going on Tower of Terror, or whatever Six Flags calls their version, and when we got to the top, I could see how people would have panic attacks after smoking weed. lol I thought it was hilarious. All I could think was: If I die, hopefully it’ll be quick. I don't remember who brought the weed, but we were allowed to smoke it in the smoking area, and no one said anything.
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The picture below is from the Mingles Halloween party. Marc dressed as a Sugar Daddy and handed out Sugar Daddy candy, I don't recall if he handed out Sugar Babies as well. Man, I love those candies. lol
Frank looks like a Hot Dog, Erica was a Viking in the back. Rich was "the Situation" from that MTV show. I don't know what Brian was, a big pumpkin? lol I'm not sure where Reno is, maybe he took this picture, but I doubt that, so he must've come later. I dressed like an army dork, like I did on multiple Halloweens. Jessica was a ladybug? Brittany is the Ref. I can't recall who the other two guys are dressed as doctors. the one in the lab coat was always quiet. he wasn't chatty like I can be, lol
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I wish I could remember exactly when I moved in next door to my Dad in West Warren. Maybe I had asked about it or maybe Mary had mentioned it to Darlene, but either way somehow we decided that moving in with her 2 youngest kids would be a good idea and my odd behavior
I can’t remember what the kids did for school, since I was just living my own life and clearly wasn’t thinking straight. I wasn’t taking other people into consideration when I made any choices, I just did what I thought worked, whether it was right for everyone or not.
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I met Laura this summer at Mingles, her cousin Amanda was there a lot, but up until this point I hadn’t really spoken with them. We didn't really start hanging out until fall. In my defense I tried to warn her something was wrong with me.
I remember feeling like something was wrong, yet it was so hard to explain, but I wanted to try anyway.
I took her on a 4 mile walk on the East Longmeadow rail trail, I told her I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I wanted to explain all of the weird health issues I experienced over the years. I told her about everything from the coast guard, the strange panic attacks, losing my kids. I felt like such a loser trying to explain all of this nonsense and not be able to explain what caused it. I don't even know if she believed me or thought I was just making shit up to try to get rid of her.
I told her I felt like I was off in my own world again, and always been trying to find my place.
I remember giving her a speech about how I didn’t feel comfortable being in a relationship at this moment, I wanted to figure out why I was feeling the way I was again.
She was a medical assistant and said she could help me, but I had just moved to my Dad's with Darlene and her kids. So I thought I was all set.
Not long after that I went to Mingles. I remember Jay, a bartender there, told me how disappointed Laura was that I had said all those things, and I'm pretty sure that those comments were what changed my mind and I decided to give her a chance.
*2026 reflection; I don’t even have any excuses for how I acted at this point in my life. I was just trying to understand what was going on. At that time I was having great days and terrible days. I couldn’t tell if it was being around certain people that made me feel uncomfortable or if they were rubbing me the wrong way, and my mind would race about it constantly. I feel really bad for putting her kids through all this nonsense over the years. I didn’t offer anyone any stability or set a positive example for others. I feel like I was very selfish back then, even if I wasn’t trying to be, *
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August
This picture below of Reno, Brian, Marc, Kyle and myself is from a Rascal Flatts concert at the Xfinity center in Hartford. I drove my Jeep Grand Cherokee, I brought my camping grill and Marc brought his cornhole game. We had hot dogs and hamburgers, and I thought it would be great to pour some hot grease on hand while cooking the burgers, and gave myself a slight burn, like a moron. lol
Thankfully it was just enough to hurt, but I was aware of it the rest of the night.
We didn't stay for the entire concert, I'm not sure who the biggest complainer was, but I remember someone saying that the chicks here were” too young”. lol
I don't remember anybody actually caring about listening to the music. Someone kept talking about going back to Mingles meeting girls, so we ended up leaving early, and I guess some young kid got lucky and got on stage and something cool happened, but I missed it.
I think it's hilarious that when we got back to Mingles, it was dead, and they ended up having a boring night of listening to "me" sing karaoke. lol Which I absolutely loved, so I feel like it worked out in my favor.
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2010- Unemployment 2010
My dad bought a house in West Warren on South Street this year I moved in with my father during the fall, I was still going to Mingles and I thought that living with my dad and living with a friend Darlene and her kids Krista and Ethan would help out, but our communication was terrible, so that only lasted for a couple months
I started dating Laura, I think in November. She was living with her cousin Amanda in Springfield, but wanted a change for some reason. She found and moved into an apartment that was like a 100 feet away or less from my friend Paul in Stafford Springs, so that gave me an excuse to go visit her more often and visit him, that's another reason why we got so close.
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Laura and I went out to dinner with Paul at a mom and pop place on Main St next to the old theater turned bar.
This is something that I think having a diary is good for. During dinner Paul joked that I get sick of girls after like 4 years and although I think he was joking, he was also pointing out a real pattern, though the cause wasn’t what he had assumed.
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Laura bought me a telescope and that got me back into looking at the night sky that December.
*2026 reflection: I complained about that telescope's tripod, but I loved that thing and got to see Juptior and Saturn more times than I can count. I tried to get the kids into it, but they remind me of me as a kid, they don’t enjoy looking at something for a moment and then discussing it. I can see how this stuff isn’t as exciting for kids. I used that thing until 2022 and tossed it after getting sick of fighting with it. *
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YouTube link to video of Christmas at Ellie and Billy's
I don’t think there’s anything notable here, but I loved going to their house for Christmas and it always had a certain feel to it. Like the inside of their house was its own little world, since it was totally different from the outside world and had more stuff than other people’s houses I’ve been to over the decades.
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