1999
I was still collecting unemployment at the beginning of January
The picture below is of my dad and Samantha celebrating their birthdays. I didn't get to see Samantha that often at this time, so was a special event.
Dad's Birthday January 22, 1959
Samantha's Birthday January 13, 1997
I probably should have known something was wrong, but I wasn't able to talk to anybody about how I felt and I wasn't able to explain these restless thoughts I had or describe what the issues I was experiencing felt like, At the time I was playing Command and Conquer a lot on the computer and putting models together and that is what I focused on.
I was probably trying to lose myself in these fantasy worlds, or maybe playing these games and building models gave me a goal that I could achieve.
Shannon and I went to the Indoor flea market in Agawam next to the movie Plex, I bought a budget World War Two memorabilia, papers, car flags, pins and plastic models. They had the coolest Hot Wheels ramp inside that building, it was huge, it looked like 20 feet long.
So I started off 1999 feeling like complete trash, but I'd gotten this auditor job because I went out during a major storm snowstorm and I was filling out applications and the manager was impressed that I was willing to keep looking for a job even though the weather was terrible.
DSS March
I can't remember exactly how these events unfolded, but I do remember watching TV with Shannon , it was a show about child predators I don't know if they were killing or just molesting kids and I had made a really rude comment and said- anyone that's ever been molested should be shot, and she instantly got pissed off. lol In my defense, I meant anyone ever been molested and then uses it as an excuse to hurt a child, should be shot, but she didn't see things that way and told me that she had been hurt as a kid, it was very shortly after this that all of this happened.
1999-03-12 I get notified by the police somehow, so I end going to the precinct after working 3rd shift at the Red Roof Inn, I was exhausted at the time, I wasn't thinking straight, so I answered all of their questions. I was a regular chatty Kathy. They asked about the German flags my friends had bought me as a joke and the battleship models I was putting together. I remember telling officers that I felt like I was born in the wrong time, that things felt off in this timeline and I should've been born decades ago. lol I can just imagine what they were thinking. lol one dickhead Mark Poggi played bad cop and offered me an orange soda, then smacked it across the room, after I took a sip. Mark Pfau played good cop.
Police didn't inform me of what exactly the problem was or way this was all happening, they were implying I poked this toddler with a toothpick and we trying to get me to come up with a scenario for why someone would want to poke someone with a toothpick in the rear-end.
I called someone who is a mutual friend at the time and asked if they knew what was going on, because I wasn't told anything and I was totally clueless. I wanted to make sure that Shannon was OK and that someone was going to be there for her, if she went into labor.
I was feeling off back then, so that could explain why I actually bothered coming up with as many scenarios as I could think of to help explain how a toothpick could end up in a kids diaper (which I'm not sure that's what was said, I think they said they toothpick was found outside his bed.) and how blood ended on it. I remember asking if the toothpick could've poked him up the nose, that really pissed Poggi off.
A short time later police tried to claim that I violated the restraining order Shannon got and claimed I asked a friend of hers to contact.
The funniest thing about this, these pathetic pieces of fucking shit invited me there for questioning and I volunteered to go, then they arrested me when I showed up and I got to spend the night laying on a cold piece of steel. though I was given a muffin in the morning, then I was transported to Springfield district court, given bail and released. I was fucking pissed that I missed work, forced to lay on a cold piece of steel and do absolutely fucking nothing.
I'm pretty sure that's when I hired attorney Brian Blackburn to represent me. He was part of a law firm called "Green, Miles, Lipton, White and Fitzgibbons" in Northampton.
If I remember correctly he was once an assistant District Attorney in Palmer. I also had to deal with a woman named Martha Stewart from DSS- the Department of Social Services, It's called DCF- the Department of Children and Families now.
Blackburn spent hours trying to convince me that we shouldn't go to trial and that this case would take decades, cost thousands of dollars and claimed he wasn't sure that he'd be able to prove my innocence, even though I thought the evidence spoke for itself and there was no way in fucking hell that I was going to lose, I felt pressured by everyone around me to do as the lawyer suggested, so I took his advice and agreed to a CWOF continuance without a finding, since he told me it wouldn't end up on my record, as long as I didn't get in trouble for a year.
I can't recall when I was called in to plead to this charge, but judge read the short statement from her friend, it's clear he knew police falsely arrested me, it was clear I didn't violate anything.
the judge said out loud " this evidence doesn't fit the charges, are you sure you want to plead guilty? You don't want to fight this?", my attorney Blackburn shook his head no in my direction, so in defeat I told the judge no. I had nothing left in me, I just wanted to give up and forget this ever happened. It was so humiliating and demoralizing.
This was the only time I got to see the statement, Blackburn never gave me a copy. It clearly said I asked I called this friend and asked her what was going on, she didn't claim I was rude or demanding, She also stated I also told her what police told me. There were no allegations that I asked her to do anything or to hide anything from anyone.
It was clear I never made any attempt to contact Shannon or ask to pass any messages along.
I think that judge should have thrown that charges out right then and there, instead of accepting that CWOF continuation without a finding plea, but I was to sick and stupid to follow my gut and I listened to the bullshit my lawyer Blackburn told me.
It was around this time that the Department of Social Services was attempting to put my name on a sex offender registry, once I paid $5000 to Brian Blackburn to help me this part of the case, DSS dropped the charges and I was never able to address these allegations, and I wanted to have a trial, I wanted to fight their allegations.
I had tried to speak with that Department of Social Services woman Martha on multiple occasions, I tried to talk to her about supervised visits, I tried to talk how they could use imaginary/unsubstantiated evidence against someone and then deny them the right to see their children? She was super rude and super disrespectful the entire time.
It was annoying at work after this, everyone was joking around about poking people in the butt with a tooth.
1999-03-13
I don't remember why I kept this or thought it was important, but I made a photocopy of a March 13th 1999 Union News story by Ted Flanagan about a Baystate Doctor in Palmer Dr Diagnosing an Abuse Case, but they had missed telltale signs in the beginning. I remember thinking that doctors can just say whatever they want, and there is no way to confirm or deny anything claim.
I thought that police and child care workers were overreacting and the things that they were saying were stupid, nothing they said made any sense and when I'm sick and people say stupid things, I'll keep talking about it and pointing it out. lol So I'm sure all of these conversations with me at this time we're absolutely fucking madding, because when I know something is wrong, I don't let it go, I keep fucking talking about it, until I'm blue in the face. lol
Nathan was born March 17th, I never met him. My mother and sister went to visit him a couple times after he was born, this was after Shannon moved to a condo, I remember being asked about genetic testing because they believed that he had an issue, but I didn't learn for years that autistic. The visits stopped shortly after they started.
It was like this chapter of my life was just erased, no one wanted to talk about it, nobody seemed to care, everyone just wanted to move on.
I was utterly devasted that I wasn't able to be there when Nathan was born and I felt like such a piece of shit that I wasn't to be a part of his life at all. I had wanted to introduce him to my family, and so many people have never gotten to meet him at all.
Looking back, I didn't realize how bad the courts, law enforcement, child protect services and other over sight bodies were. It's only after talking to a few dozen parents across the country that I now realize that the United States actively accusing everyone they can of these horrible crimes and makes them jump through hoops to clear their names. The system is designed to profit off of kids suffering at every step. Child services leads to mental health diagnosis, and that leads to kids in and out of court and mental health facilities, but no one ever treats the cause, they just try to cover up the symptoms.
Spring
Gray cat had kittens
I can't remember when in 1999 he was born at the moment, Max had a sister cookie and Charles brother-in-law and sister, Stanley and I can't remember her name, lol , ended up with Cookie.
Max was such an awesome cat, he was like a little dog, whenever you called him, he would come running and meow at you. I used to spin him on the kitchen floor until he couldn't walk straight, and he would just meow and come back for more.
This is sad, I don't know if Max's mom is the gray cat that got hit by a car or bit by the dog.
Gray cat 1
I remember it was really cold outside, Dawn's son Nick from across the street had gone to the bus stop, unfortunately he say my Gray cat dead in the road and he told me that her eye was hanging out of her head, I felt terrible. so I a shovel from our shed, I feel shitty about this, but I walked to the corner of Hope ST. and Lloyd Ave and scooped it up and then tossed it into the woods in the ditch area at the end of the street, because it was too cold to bury it, I felt terrible for burying my cat, but I didn't know what to do, it was freezing out and I wasn't capable digging a hole for her.
Gray cat 2
I was outside working on my Jetta with my dad and Dave from across the street. Some guy in his pit bull were walking by and my Gray being super friendly, decided to walk up, and the dog bit brushed her ribs, We rushed and got a box but she was too hurt, she died within a few minutes, the owner of the dog apologized profusely. I remember being upset but I wasn't mad at the owner or the dog, I didn't see exactly what happened, so I'm not even sure that that guy was aware that my cat had walked up to his dog. It was nice around at this time of year, I believe it was the fall, so I buried that Gray cat in the backyard over by the fence on the north East side
Summer
Drinking Grandma Francis, cosuin Joey and friends.
I didn't drink often and I didn't many opportunities to share a drink with my Grandma Francis, but on two occasions I had invited friends over and she joined us and made a point to prove she could drink us under the table. lol She could definitly hold her alcohol, I could not. lol
She used to sit at the kitchen table with a water bottle and wait for our cat Tiger to come around and squirt him. lol She laughed and claimed he was up to no good, but she was probably just having a good laugh. lol I think that kind of stuff is hilarious, Harley doesn't like being squirted either. lol
It was around this time that she started having issues walking, I remember trying to do a little sprint across the front lawn to show she still had it, but you could tell her body was failing her.
I can't recall when Grandma Francis moved out, but I know my mother couldn't stand having her around anymore, she was getting on her nerves, so she was moved to an assisted living home in Ludlow, she was let to sit along almost all day and night, even when people came to visit, it was nothing like before, she wasn't getting to hangout with her family like she once did. The idea that we house our elderly and disabled, still haunts me to this day.
While working at the Red Roof Inn in West Springfield. I used to play chess with my buddy Chuck every single night all night, he was the security guard. Every morning we would do the word jumble in the newspaper and the crypto Quip. In fact he was the first person to make me aware of Mingles, my soon to be favorite karaoke bar (it's closed for good now). Chuck would walk over there when his shift started later. He didn't have a car at the time, so I would pick him up for work every night and drop him off when I left.
We used to go to a bar Joey's pub in Agawam our nights off, That was my first real bar experience, we used to play chess at the bar, I loved the Crossword Jumble on the bar-top arcade. Photo-hunt was a awesome group game, we'd also play pool and darts. Chuck would sing karaoke but I was too much of a chicken back then. We used to go to Joey's pub before we would head downtown Springfield to the hot club and other bars on Worthington St. Chuck and I used to watch wrestling all the time back in 1999-2004 wrestling was huge and hilarious. I got sick with hyperthyroidism again in 2003 after my youngest son was born. Unfortunately I become low energy and get erectile dysfunction when I'm sick, so that caused problems in my marriage.
Jamie
I met Jamie in the summer of 1999. I was working at the Red Roof Inn in West Springfield. My buddy Charles who was the security guard there at the time, had known her since she was a child. They lived in an area called Pheasant Hill in Agawam, Massachusetts. Charles and I used to play chess and do the daily word jumble every night, getting the paper was a highlight of my night working there. But then we started hanging out at Joey’s pub. We would play pool and chess and darts. Charles would sing karaoke.
I’m not sure if I met Jamie because I was dropping Charles off at home, or I met her at the bar. There was also a restaurant up the street Michael’s pasta in the pan, Jamie was a waitress there for a little while, So Charles might’ve introduced me to her, while she was working there as well.
At some point, Jamie got some blue car from her grandmother. her dad's mom on Welland Ave was no longer capable of driving.
This summer or fall, Jamie claimed she wanted to start jogging, so I would drive over to Agawam to see her, but we never really took up jogging, she wasn't big into running around. I think she was interested in me, simply because I talked a lot and didn't put the moves on her. lol I probably seemed like a challenge, since girls have told me they thought I was gay, many times, lol simple because I try to get to know people, before throwing myself at them or because I don't have any intentions at all. lol
We kept hanging out after that. lol I can’t remember exactly when, but I do remember her pointing out the fact that I had a lot of gray T-shirts. lol Even though they had different logos on them, lol I did have a lot of gray T-shirts at the time.
I started working at Control Air Supply on Albany Street in Springfield at this time. My neighbor across the street Dave asked me to work there with him. We had hung out a bit, but I was really sick after the Shannon stuff, He used to love playing with Laura Croft Tomb Raider. video games, so I would stop over and watch him paly video games before I went to work, I would help him figure out all the different puzzles.
It was around this time as well that Jamie got some settlement from a car accident. She had hurt her leg because she wasn’t wearing a seat-belt and her ex-boyfriend Sal was involved in an accident. It was after we both turned 21. I remember because she chipped her front tooth on a beer bottle in her bedroom upstairs at her apartment pheasant Hill.
It was around this time that I introduced my cousin Joey to Jamie and her sister Amanda, they end up getting married in the future.
I remember hanging out at their apartment, Pleasant Hill and my cousin Joey had fallen asleep on Jamie’s shoulder and when they woke up, he had drooled all over her. lol It was absolutely hilarious.
Now, I think you know by now that I have a big mouth. I told Jamie about all of my issues with my babies moms lol I told Jamie all about my issue in the Coast Guard and i even told her about the restraining orders I had against me at the time.
She knows that I have a restraining order against me right now and I’ve done nothing to deserve it. lol. I never hide any of this shit from anybody. If anything I've always wanted to talk about it, because I 've never understood what the frack was going on.
We would all hang out at Joey’s pub and Jamie’s ex-boyfriend. Sal would hang out with us too. I remember celebrating my birthday that October, Sal thought it would be funny to keep buying me drinks and I drank the, then I turned into a drunken mess.
Jamie and Sal had to drive me home. I didn’t plan on getting drunk, but Sal kept buying me drinks and then I lost the ability to walk. lol
Sal had to carry me in my house ,over his shoulder and plopped me on the couch. I don’t remember any of that, that’s just what they told me. lol
When I woke up, I had vomited in my sleep, there was puke trail from where my head was, down the front and there was a pile on the carpet. I don't recall cleaning much, if anything up, lol Thankfully, I was laying on my side and didn’t choke to death.
I just got up, got changed, wash my face, brushed my teeth, went to work, and tried my best to make it through the day.
I can still hear the guys telling me that I smelled like alcohol. lol At that point it was probably coming out if my pores. I reeked of alcohol all day at work and still felt drunk when I got home that evening and had to clean up the mess that I made.
My body has never handled alcohol very well. I don’t understand the physical effects that has on me so I’ve just stopped for now. I still would like to drink one of these days, but I’m just not interested in 10 drinks.
The Hot Club
Jamie and I used to go to Joey’s pub first, since their drinks were way cheaper, then one of us would drive us all downtown to the Hot Club down at 10 Stearns Square,
At one point I started inviting my cousin Joey, they had 18 and over nights, so it wasn't all drunks. lol
That place was a blast. It was so much fun man, people fist pumping all night long, lol Lights flashing, That feeling of the base in your chest, is is something to be experienced. It was awesome. There were always a few people going wild with glow sticks, swinging them all around, some on string, other people just tracing patterns in the air, I've always wanted to do that, but I never got around to it. lol
It’s so weird how my mind works. I remember I started dating Jamie when that song by Alice DJ came out - Better Off Alone. That song Blue by Eiffel 65 also came out and was popular at that time. I remember she was one of the first people that didn't complain that I would rewind a cassette tape, then listen to a song over and over again. lol
Now we have phones and I can just hit the reverse button to listen to my songs over and over lol , but I was using a cassette player back then. I was still driving the Jetta at this time.
Trying to introduce Jamie to Samantha didn't work out well, Jamie was never interested in her, Jamie never asked about Samantha or my past, she was never interested in getting involved in anything that I was into or that I was a part of. Looking back, she had her own group, was interested in different things than I was, so I'm not really sure why she stayed with me. lol
Jamie started going or was already going to hairstyling school at Springfield Technical Community College.
Fall
My neighbor Dave across Hope St convinced me to switch jobs, so I left the night auditor job and started working at a heating and air conditioning warehouse- control air supply.
I was also softball with my family at this time, on Sundays when I would get Samantha, I would take her to my games and my mother would watch her while I played. Samantha was such a Sissy, she hated getting her hands dirty.
November
I can't remember exactly what we did, but I remember that this was the last month that I saw Samantha, I haven't gotten to spend any time with her in 26 years. Until a few years, there were still Christmas presents for her in the basement, all dusty from 1999. I felt it was time to get rid of them, there were some roller skates and I can't remember what else at the moment. It was depressing to see those things year after year. Seeing those presents always left me with more questions than answers,
I hardly got to spend any time with Samantha as it was and Jamie was more of a partier. lol
Looking back, I can see how my anxiety caused me to rush into these situations, I felt like I needed to do something and just ran with an idea. Jamie wasn't ready two year old in my opinion and I shouldn't have been worried about having a girlfriend, but hindsight is 20/20.
December
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