The Chronicles of Ricky: 2004

2004

January

CNA

Around time I started going to the Red Cross on Cottage Street in Springfield, I had started taking classes to become a certified nurse's aide. I remember getting straight A's in that class and the teacher told me that I really need to do something advanced with my education and stop aiming so low. I took that as a compliment, but I felt absolutely horrible at the time, both physically and mentally, so I didn't do anything about it. She always told me questions were way to advanced. lol She told me I'll never do anything to help someone's diagnosis as a nurses aid, but I was struggling emotionally and my anxiety was through the roof at the time, I wasn't sleeping well, so I was happy to feel like I could accomplish anything. I met Shannon Brusso here at CNA school and we stayed on touch for years after, but lost touch after I got sick over and over. lol

I finished CNA school in January I got a job at nursing home Wingate at Wilbraham. That’s one of those dumb things man these companies tell you they would’ve paid you to go to school after you already yourself and they won’t reimburse you. lol

It was around this time. I bought a surround sound system with a DVD player from circuit city and I used to watch Star Trek Wrath of Khan with Dietrich all the time. I would fast forward it to the ship battles and he would pull up his little couch and watch. Charles would still come over for wrestling at this time as well, I’m sure things must’ve been weird for him, but he tried lol

February

Dietrich’s birthday party at the house I felt like a complete disaster.

Shortly after certified nurses aide school, I started working at Wingate at Wilbraham, it is nursing home for the elderly and surgically patients that required more time to heal in a monitored setting, for fall risks.

I enjoyed working with the patients and fellow CNA there, but I really thought it was a prison for the defenseless, in my honest opinion. I don't think those patients were treated right. I took every opportunity I could to walk people outside on my breaks, even though management tried to discourage me from doing it. I even found out that one of my aunts was staying there, a great aunt on my father's side and I started making nightly visits to her on my breaks.

It's sad that I can't remember her name at the moment, but she was a very nice woman, she was related to my grandma Stebbins, who was originally a Picard, I even used to bring my son to work to show the elderly people, I would always try to cheer them up on my days off and I loved seeing my aunt, she would light up like a Christmas tree when she saw him. I don't understand why people stick family in nursing homes, especially when we know people aren't getting the best care and being away from family causes psychological issues, I felt so bad for those elderly residents, I knew they were trapped there until they died and there was no hope of ever escaping.

Nursing Home Vet

One old World War Two vet told me about his life, he told me this horrific story of when and his company stormed the beach at Normandy, and how so many of his friends were cut down right there and he had to keep moving, there was nothing he could do to save them.

His worst story was more recent.

He was one of the few lucky people to win the lottery, them his son had both he and his wife placed in separate nursing homes, and he hadn't been able to see his wife since.

His own son abandoned him and the love of his life, and in the end, he was powerless to do anything about it, it was heartbreaking to hear.

I was to sick and stupid to think for myself at the time, I could've called the other nursing home of found a way to spend time with each other, but I just listened and now I feel a piece of shit for not acting. lol WTF, who trained us to turn our backs on people and just listen to their horror stories? especially when we have the power to change things.

March

Hector... lol

Was around March that I caught Jamie sleeping with a guy that she used to work with at bookends. He had a job as a security guard and she would go visit him and they would hang out and get drunk after. lol I couldn’t sleep so I stayed up playing a lot of Star Trek Fleet command online I believe it was. Either way you got to build a starship and go fight other people, I had severe anxiety and was having a panic attack and that helped focus my mind. It was like 11 o’clock and Jamie was asleep and her phone went off and it was this guy Hector and I couldn’t help but respond. lol First, I scrolled back through her text and discovered that they were having relations lol And then I invited him over and told him that I would sneak out of the house and pull around with them up the street. lol The sky drove over and waited like 3 1/2 hours hoping for Jamie to come outside. I would flick the lights now and then and text them back saying Ricky just woke up. I’ll be out in a minute or Dietrich started crying. I gotta put him back to bed. This guy was so excited to hook up with Jamie. lol Eventually, at like 4 o’clock in the morning, he drove away ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

The next afternoon Hector came back pissed off. It was yelling and screaming in the driveway. So I was forced to confess what I did with her phone and call her out on sleeping with him at the same time. Which I find absolutely now, I was too sick and stupid to call the cops or to get up off my ass and go out there and beat this motherfracker's ass. Like this pathetic fracker came to our house with our infant son inside and wanted to fight over the fact that he was fracking somebody else’s wife, even if we were having problems. lol

Stanley Park

This spring Jamie and I took Dietrich to Stanley Park in Westfield, and I had gotten video of a frog jumping out of my hand and getting into his mouth lol

I have no idea if he likes little critters, but I had always hoped he'd fall in love with them the way I have and want to start terrariums and build tanks to breed them in.

Surgery

Dietrich had to have surgery around this time and I was a disaster and I remember the doctors being fracking idiots, I started ignoring their instructions on how to care for him, and all of his issues went away.

I have always loved scaring people and freaking people out and getting reactions out of them. I used to scare my grandma Francis all the time. I’ll have to tell you stories about that but We were living on Welland Avenue at the time and Jamie was in the basement with her sister and I was in the kitchen with Dietrich and the basement door was open, So I grabbed Dietrich and moved him right to the top of the stairs, And then I laid on the floor while I was holding his legs and waited for the girls to see him and freak out. lol

We had some kind of family party in the backyard. I remember playing horseshoes with my father and brother and Jamie‘s brother. But I can’t remember what it was for because her birthday and mine are September and October, Dietrich is February so Maybe Mother’s Day?

Mother’s Day of this year, before I tried to kill myself, I went to JCPenney and bought some jewelry for Jamie thinking that would help repair our relationship. lol Then I went back and returned it to the store, I remember the sales lady being super pissed. I don’t blame her. I guess they work on commission. lol What a terrible thankless job to have.

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April

Marriage Councilor

Sometime after Dietrich was born Jamie, tried speaking with a marriage counselor. And the guy took my side of the story like gospel. I remember leaving these therapy sessions feeling so vilified I think that’s the word. I left there practically telling her this guy thinks you’re a piece of crap too. Which definitely did not help my attitude. But I was sick at the time so I thought that that was a good idea, to blame her for what is obviously a two person problem. So many things happen in such a short period of time man my life is absolutely ridiculous.

I was taking online courses at STCC we were living on Welland Ave in Indian Orchard I'd worked one day at Circuit City and then had a panic attack and then maybe January I started going to CNA school and this is around the time I used to Dremel tool all the scratch those tattoos on my left arm and put the bleach on it

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2004-08-18

My First Attempt

I can't remember exactly how this unfolded at the moment, but it's amazing how many details we skip over when telling a story.

We were splitting up at that point, so I don't know what set me on this path, but I wasn't really thinking straight.

While I was working at Wingate at Wilbraham, a friend of mine Shannon from CNA school, who also started working there, she was continuing her education and was in school to be a nurse at this time.

So at some point I started contemplating hurting myself. At this time I felt like I couldn't do anything right. The only joy I had in my life was my son and I was struggling to fake being happy, when I really felt empty inside, I felt worthless, now my wife and I were splitting up and I couldn't even understand how it all went wrong. Even though I had all the answers, my mind wasn't letting me put all the pieces together.

I felt mentally and physically horrible, and the worst part is no one believed me. I don't think I ever stopped trying to talk about things. I probably overwhelmed people with information they didn't understand, or I was starting arguments as a way to force a conversation.

I felt like nothing I did was good enough. I would compare my old self, to my current self, then try to understand why other people were appearing to succeed, when I felt like I couldn't even help myself, let alone help other people.

It's clear that one else around me had a clue what I was experiencing, unfortunately I still feel like certain members my family were never very supportive, so it's made trying to communicate difficult.

One night while playing on the computer in the room over by the garage. I remember asking Shannon how much alcohol someone would need to drink before dying of alcohol poisoning. I don't know if I was reaching out for help or just trying to confirm the idea would work.

At some point after that I went to the store and grabbed a large bottle of vodka, a pint of Captain Morgan's 151. I drove back to the house and drank it all in under 15 minutes, I want to guess around 8:30-9 pm, I downed it as fast as I could, then I went and laid in the basement, there was a bar area that was just used as storage. For whatever reason, I thought going down there and laying on a tiled concrete floor was the way to go. lol

I have vague memories of someone telling me about being found in the basement, so I'll share what I remember being told.

Jamie and Amanda found me and then tried to talk to me while I was drunk and tried to talk to me about Dietrich. At some point my mother and brother were called, I recall trying to talk about Ira saying I killed Tammy and everybody jokes about it, then I told my brother Ira wanted me to kill his ex. lol Tammy's been a conversation that no one has wanted to have for 30+ years, I'm sure me talking spooked everyone. I know I tried talking to people about Ira, but no one wanted to listen, I thought it was just me, so I stopped talking about him for years.

I think the worst part of these memories is being reminded of all the times people would ask- what's wrong, and then I would try to explain all these feelings I was having, that most people try to ignore. One thing I've noticed about myself is that I have always tried to understand my thoughts and feelings, even when these feelings were driving me insane.

I was still super drunk when I was finally able to stand, I either pissed myself while unconscious or I did it when I got up, because of the incredible amount of pain I was in. lol I remember laughing a lot. I've always laughed when in pain or when I'm uncomfortable, it's a react I've tried to get rid of, but I don't even know where it came from and I'm aware that people can find it rude or off-putting in certain situations, but I was in no shape to control my reactions at this point.

I had to be brought to the emergency room at Baystate, I assume it was my mother or brother. While in the ER waiting for doctors to speak. I remember my brother telling me how stupid I sounded, because I kept saying it felt like there was fluid pooling on the side of my face. I assume it was from the nerve compression and wasn't actual fluid, plus the fact that I still felt drunk and mentally unwell.

I was diagnosed with rhabdomyolysis , I ended up with muscle and nerve damage on my right quad near my knee, on my right pectoral muscle, the lower center part where it attaches to the center of my sternum and the right side of my jaw has bothered me ever since, the right side of my face looks like my jaws alignment is off as well. lol Years ago, these areas looked deflated or like muscle was missing, so it was a constant visual reminder of that event.

I remember feeling physically crippled in the hospital, This muscle damage pain was quite severe. The muscle breakdown caused protein to overload my kidneys, so I was being flushed with IVs constantly.

I spent a week or so at Bay State hospital before I was sent to their Psych Ward for another week or so.

While in the regular area of the hospital, I was given a babysitter lol Someone to watch over me 24/7, so I didn’t have the opportunity to do anything crazy. I remember watching Alien vs Predator on a laptop and thinking it was a terrible bootleg copy, plus the movie had no substance. lol I guess my family thought that watching movies and not talking about what I did was the best thing to do.

I tried to talk to the girls that we’re watching over me, I even remember one of the girls was someone I knew from OLSH. I’m pretty sure her name is Erin. Either way, I felt like a fracking idiot. I couldn’t explain why I did what I did or why no one could figure out what was going on with me. But I do remember that most of them were very kind and they tried to be understanding.

There was one nasty worker who was always rude, I wanted to complain about her, so a nurse thought she was going to put me on the spot and called that worker in the room and tried to make me feel uncomfortable and was probably hoping I'd recant my complaint, I honestly can't remember how the conversation went. I recall the nurse being very pissy and the worker always sounded pissy, but I don't recall if I stood up for myself.

A lot of my doctors I thought we’re just fucking dickheads lol and considering that I figured out my health issues on my own, I was right.

I remember Jamie's sister Amanda (who ended up marrying my cousin Joey at some point around here) coming to visit me in the hospital, but I don’t remember what we talked about, I don’t remember ever talking after that moment (she did say "supp" at a family picnic in 2012. lol). So I can just imagine what I said to her. lol But at the same time, I was so fracked up and in so pain, I know I didn't understand what was going on.

Before I was sent to a psych ward, I started to walk around and paste those hallways in the intensive care area I was in, even though I was in a shat ton of pain, I could not sit still, I felt trapped and I needed to go nowhere. lol I remember wishing I could jump out the window and escape across the roof, but I had no idea where I wanted to go, I just didn't want to lay there doing nothing, I felt I needed to do something, but I had no idea what.

After I was deemed physically well enough to be released from the hospital itself, I was placed in Baystate's psych ward, on the fifth floor.

I met some really nice people up there. I remember one guy with a soul patch on his chin, he was there because the psych medications he was taking were causing him side effects. There was another guy there because he was having issues because of kidney stones and the medication doctors prescribed him for the pain, had a negative reaction cause him to also suffer some mental side effect, so he was locked up with us until he was stable. There were two girls that hung-out with our little group. The staff complained that we were getting along so well and tried to claim that our laughing was disruptive and distressing to other patients. Which was a lie, I don't think they liked seeing us happy and socializing. That's just the impression I got.

I have a few vague memories of speaking with a doctor, but I don't remember them ever being productive conversations, more about drugs and how the drugs are making me feel and not about what caused all my problems in the first place, it was more about covering up my problems.

At some point my doctor had mentioned keeping me, because they didn't know what was wrong with me, he mentioned needing to go to court and then something about me being kept somewhere for 6 months. I don't recall if it was this hospital or another.

I felt totally trapped while in that psych ward, I started pacing up and down the hallway as soon as I got there. I even checked all the rooms and would move ceiling tiles around, hoping to find a way out and got caught doing it. lol I can't recall what was said, but people seemed pissed to me.

I felt like doctors just kept trying to drug me. I didn't feel like they were trying to treat me or try to understand what was going on. My mother showed up and felt acted like a pompous ass, she would say ridiculous things like just tell me what’s wrong, It’s OK I’ll understand, I won’t be mad. That just made me feel stupid and reminded me of all the crap she gave me growing up. And I’ve tried so hard to be close with her, but man she pisses me off. lol

Even though talking to the other patients helped, I was still a complete disaster, I felt like the doctors weren't listening and the medication that they were giving me had made me worse than when I arrived, not better.

So I noticed that the hospital was kind of lax on security around the doors during family visits, so I plotted my escape, even though I was super fracked up physically, I had no idea where that stairwell led, but I might have asked people who came to visit. I don't recall. maybe they had a fire escape plan listed, because I don't remember feeling confused or concerned with where I was going, I was only worried about my body pushing through the pain.

I feel bad for this staff girl, but as one family was leaving, The door didn’t close fast enough, and I burst through it and down the Five flights of stairs, Out the front doors, through the parking lot and up Dover street and took a left on Main Street. Even in my crippled state, with my chest and right quad screaming at me, I was in far superior physical shape than that staff woman. lol Panic and anxiety fueled me that night and fortunately/unfortunately, she gave Police the wrong description of the clothes I was wearing, so I was able to walk past a number of officers in the area. For a moment I consider

I don’t know why I thought seeing my son would make me feel better, I don’t recall Jamie contacting me in the hospital, I had no reason to believe I'd find the answers I was looking for there, but I chose to walk to Welland Avenue anyway. It was such a painful walk, but I was a man on a mission. lol It’s only fitting that when I got there there was an extra car in the driveway, When I walked up to the front door, there was a picture window to the left and Hailey must of heard something outside or I don’t know. lol

Either way when the blinds moved I could see Jamie and her future ex-husband Dan, naked on the couch through the blinds. lol After that, I walked to 5 mile and sat there for a couple hours, Mentally, I felt completely fracked and had no idea what to do with my life or what was going on or why I felt the way I did. I remember telling different therapists this years later and they all laughed, they all asked if it was a rude awakening. I asked all of them where was my son? why wasn't anyone there for me emotionally? or concerned about my well being? lol

The next morning, I had my mother bring me back to Baystate, and then I sat on a bench outside the hospital, deciding what to say to doctors when I walked back inside.

One of the doctors I had been speaking happened to noticed me when he looked out a window, he had enough time to walk down and outside. We talked for a few minutes, he told me that he was going to release me, because they couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me and that they knew that they couldn’t keep me. lol Which I think is a bunch of bullshat and a total fracking cop out, but at this point, I hadn’t had any blood work yet, that I know of, that show shows I had a thyroid issue.

After getting back to Hope st, I took 100 Extra Strength Tylenol at once, I remember dry heaving a little the first night and then expecting my body to feel worse, but oddly enough I started to feel better.

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I hung out with one girl once after getting out of the psych ward. She came over and parked her car in front of my house. We sat out there and talked for hours, then we made out. lol but I remember I just wanted to keep talking, I never hung out with her again after that.

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I talked to Jamie a couple times about getting divorced and about me signing my rights to Dietrich away to Dan. I distinctly remember her going on and on about how happy Dietrich is with Dan and how Dietrich doesn't even remember me, so it's not a big deal. She went on and on about how strong Dan was. lol Which is kind funny to me know, cause I get super weak when I'm sick, so I'm happy she found someone healthier.

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At some point after getting out of the hospital, I got a 1979 Monte Carlo and I was using that to drive back-and-forth to Holland mass, and to see friends in Holyoke. My car was weird the rear end felt like it was shifting, like there was something wrong with the suspension.

Got a vasectomy Sometime around here after meeting, Gloria, Lambert, and Angela Richardson. Amanda Miller

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People and Places

Jamie Stebbins

Dietrich Stebbins

Richard "Rick" Stebbins- father

Linda "Mom" Stebbins- mother\

Robert "Bobby" Stebbins

Joseph "Joey' Stebbins

Amanda Sternowski

Welland Ave.

Jogging Cemetery across street. next to Long pond bog