2004

 2004

 At the time I was also going to the Red Cross on Cottage Street in Springfield, I had started taking classes to become a certified nurse's aide. I remember getting straight A's in that class and the teacher told me that I really need to advance in my education and stop aiming so low. I took that as a compliment but I felt absolutely horrible at the time physically and mentally so I didn't do anything with it. After medical assisting school I started working at Wingate at Wilbraham it was nursing home for the elderly. I enjoyed the people there but I thought it was a prison for the elderly in my honest opinion. I don't think those people were treated right. I took every opportunity I could to walk people outside on my breaks even though management tried to discourage me from doing it. I even found out that one of my aunts was staying there, a great aunt on my father's side and I started making nightly visits to her. It's sad that I can't remember her name at the moment but she was a very nice woman, she was related to my grandma Stebbins was originally Picard, I even used to bring my son to work to show the elderly people , I would always try to cheer them up on my days off and I loved seeing my aunt, she would light up like a Christmas tree when she saw him. 

 Back when I was married to my youngest son’s mother Jamie, we were trying to go see a marriage counselor. And the guy took my side of the story like gospel. I remember leaving these therapy sessions feeling so vilified I think that’s the word. I left there practically telling her this guy thinks you’re a piece of crap too. Which definitely did not help my attitude. But I was sick at the time so I thought that that was a good idea, to blame her for what is obviously a two person problem. So many things happen in such a short period of time man my life is absolutely ridiculous.

I was taking online courses at Stcc we were living on Welland Ave in Indian Orchard I'd worked one day at Circuit City and then had a panic attack and then maybe January I started going to CNA school and this is around the time I used to Dremel tool all the scratch those tattoos on my left arm and put the bleach on it

I can't remember exactly how this unfolded at the moment but while I was working at the nursing home a friend of mine started working there and I started contemplating hurting myself because of the way I was feeling in the failures of my life and I couldn't understand why they were happening. One night I asked her how much alcohol it would take someone was trying to off themselves. Then I went to the store and grabbed a large bottle of vodka and a pint of Captain Morgan's 151 and I drank it as fast as I could, then I went and laid in the basement at the home we rented from her father. We were splitting up at that point, so I don't know what I was really thinking ,but I wasn't really thinking straight, so that's what I did. They just left me laying on the floor, so when I woke up in the morning I had rhabdomyolysis in my muscles in my right peck and right quad and had to be brought to the emergency room. I spent a week or so at Bay State hospital before I was sent to their Psych Ward for a week or so. Being locked in a hospital wasn't good for me, the medications they were giving me were making my anxiety and panic attacks so bad that one night while someone was leaving during a visit I managed to escape Even though my chest and leg were killing me and I was having trouble walking, I was able to outrun the staff down the stairs out the hospital and up the street. I feel bad for this woman now but when people are having panic attacks they have energy that normal people don't understand. Unfortunately staff gave police a wrong description of the clothes I was wearing so I was able to walk all the way back to our home that I had shared my ex and our son. I was completely out of my mind but for some reason I thought that spending time with my son would make me feel better but when I got to the house there was a different car there and when I looked through the front window my ex was having sex with her future ex husband on the couch. lol I remember telling different therapists this years later and they all laughed, they all asked if it was a rude awakening. I asked all of them where was my son, why wasn't anyone there for me emotionally, or concerned about my well being? lol

At some point after getting out of the hospital, I got and I was using that to drive back-and-forth to Holland mass to see friends in Holyoke. My car was weird the rear end felt like it was shifting like there was something wrong with the suspension.

Got of vasectomy Sometime around here after meeting, Gloria, Lambert, and Angela Richardson. Amanda Miller