Hey God, it's Ricky again.
Why do I find it easier to talk to you in my head?
Why can't I stop?
I feel and endless drive to help other people, I literally feel compelled to stand up for other people's right and say something, I feel like I could and should be doing more, but I feel powerless to change anything, or to help guide those that really need it.
It's funny/not funny, but I also feel like nothing I ever do will ever be good enough and that I will always be too late to stop anything, to stupid to see the signs and prevent tragedies before they strike.
I don't feel like this project is enough and I keep looking for something or someone else to present something better or easier, but I haven't found anything and I don't think the people I talk to really understand what I'm trying to do, maybe I don't know what I'm trying to do and I'm just confused? lol
How would I know if I was wrong or if I lost my mind, if people aren't willing to engage with my project or ideas on a deeper level?
How do I explain how my mind works, when I can't even get AI to design a project to help me map my mind, these new tools refuse to help in any meaningful way, they refuse to watch and learn as we go.
How can I explain how something works, if there's way to track how it changes over time, or how it fluctuates due to external forces.
I think about everything, I question things from every angle, but I can't these patterns without the proper tools.
Why can't I let this go God? Whenever I think of stopping or when I allow those feelings of despair and hopeless to overwhelm me, I can feel that part of that knows the fight isn't over. Even in my darkest moments, I never truly give up. In my mind, the fight is never over, it just changes.
God I'm on the phone with Brandon right now and he's telling me how he's forced to take the bus to go clothes shopping, people tell him knows how to do all this and he'd be forced to do it himself, if he lived alone. but he doesn't live alone God, people are supposed to help him.
God why does the state worry about Brandon having more than $2,000 in his bank account, if they just kicked him off Social Security Disability? Why do they tell him to move it to a high fidelity account to hide it from other organizations?
God why does everything have to involve sneaky back room deals? I feel the light, I know right from wrong, even if I don't acknowledge things out loud. I feel compelled to do more and I am totally aware of when I don't do more and I am being lazy and selfish.
But I can also shut my feeling off and just observe the horrors all around me, is that what you do God?
Why does everything I do, feel like it's never going to be good enough for you or for anyone else?
God, do you ever feel like what you're doing isn't good enough, even you know it's better than anyone else has to offer? lol I don't mean to say that anything is bad, but I always think things can be better, I could do better, we as a people could do better, but I don't know how to connect with other people on that level.
Why do I have endless patience for some thing and none for others? At what point can people let things go? or have I just drawn the line myself and allow those feelings to explode at times?
I don't think I want revenge, or need to put people in their place, but I do want to walk away from people like my mother and brother, I don't want people like them in my life, regardless of what caused them to act they way they do.
Is helping other people good enough? Will I be punished if I don't allow these people to dull my shine? Is it wrong for me to want to keep the people I care about, like Brandon and Dallas, away from people like my family?
Why do I feel compelled to repair the damage to their families, but don't have the same urge to be involved in repairing the damage to mine?
God I know my family isn't the only reason I didn't thrive in this disgusting, selfish world, lol but I can't help but want there to be a line between us now, I never want to let some one act rude to me, without saying something back. so I feel like I need to just stay away from these people, since I've given to much thought about things might go. lol But I do base all of my thoughts off of past interactions, I don't just assume people will respond with closed minds, I've experienced this as an adult.
God why do I obsess about patterns? Why can't I get anyone else or AI to join me in my me in these deep dives?
God why do I feel like I can connect events and outcomes over time, just by documenting the way events unfolded?
I know that acting positive or negative around people, will effect the way those people experience the rest of their day or week. The things I say linger on long after I say them, and I feel responsible for my past actions and now I feel responsible for all my actions, I feel like everything I say and do matters.
God why do I feel like the only point in life is to help other people? Don't get me wrong, but simple enjoying life isn't enough for me. I love life and I can feel totally at peace in the moment, but that's not who I am, it's just something I do in the moment.
I know I am the sum of all my experiences, but I don't know what else to do with myself, other than what I'm doing now, but it doesn't feel like it's good enough and I don't understand how to imporve things.
Granted God I know that this might just be a patience thing, but I still don't think it's fair that other people have to suffer, while I get to basically enjoy the show.
Don't get me wrong God, I appreciate not suffering and I appreciate having an easy life, but I think I should be able to contribute so much more than I've been able to and I think I should be allowed to do more than just write and talk to people over the internet, teaching them to document slowly.
God, how can I accomplish anything, when I can't even support myself. This entire system I live is in designed to keep people down and to prevent them from accomplishing anything that would benefit mankind as a whole.
I can't get a foot hold anywhere in life, and everything option before me seems designed to keep me locked into a situation that will prevent me from accomplish me anything more. I can't seem to find a way to do anything other than write and offer questionable advice. lol I think I sound reasonable, but I'm left debating these deeper topics with myself and these toaster-bot AI, so I don't know what to do with that.
What would make you happy God?
What could I do to actually make you proud? is there anything?
Is it a sin to want to be seen by you God? Is it wrong to want to know that I'm on the right path?
I'm on the phone now with Dallas and we're kind of watching some fights and I'm talking with you, Dallas is very focused on these Netflix live boxing events and I can't help but feel like I should be doing more, I could be doing more, but I don't know how to make that happen and I'm going to keep asking. lol
What are your hopes and dreams God? Have you ever sat down and shared your thoughts with someone or are we to simple to comprehend any insights you have into the plans or ideas that you have for the future?
God, do you really have plans for the future? is there an actual goal or is this just a free for all?
It's funny God, I feel like talking to you is like the old phrase, and object in motion. lol If I stop talking to you, I'll be harder and harder to hear, but if I keep screaming in the void, maybe you'll notice. lol
I obviously think a lot about everything God and I really don't understand a lot about the way things work.
If you ever had watchers over out world, why did they stop helping, why aren't they doing anything now? Why can't I be appointed a watcher? I would report these issues and help solve them, I wouldn't stand by and watch people suffer and profit off of the defenseless, at least I don't think I would. lol
God, where did I develop this "then what" attitude? Is that even a good attitude to have?
I question then what, after every event and even though I feel like there doesn't need to be a "next", I feel like I need to find a "next" or there's no point to my existence and I feel like there is a point to existence and I've trying to fulfill this purpose, but how can I, when I'm forced to try explaining what it is all the time?
God, why don't I ever ask myself what the meaning of life is? Why don't I feel like asking you or trying to explain what I think it is to you?
God, do you ever sit back and wonder, what's the point? Do you ever think that people will never learn or understand and will continue to spiral out of control? What causes people to forget in the first place?
I know I have a terrible memory for some things, but I definitely don't have any issues remembering if I think I was wronged. lol Why is that God? Why do I hold on to some things and let other go without any thoughts about it whatsoever?
Here's a fun one God.... Do I actually Love people and the world around me the way I think I do?
Does thinking about "Love" cause it to lose it's meaning? I ask since I actually remembering feeling like I was in Love with people, then I also remember feeling nothing towards people when I was sick. I can still look at people also like they're nothing and it makes me wonder, do I think that about myself? lol
God, does anything actually matter? Do I literally have to give meaning and name everything that matters and explain it too, before anything will be attempted to try and save it?
I don't mean to sound like I'm the only one trying, but it might come off like that. I haven't met many people who want to team up and most of them aren't capable of doing what I'm doing. I'm super grateful for all the help people have given me and the things they're contributed, but I don't feel like I taught anyone anything they can carry forward and teach other people, I haven't been able to offer anything worth talking about. lol
GOD, we need you to inspire us again, I am trying to do it and I am nothing like you. lol I'm giving it my all, even though I know I'll never be able to accomplish anything you have, I still feel compelled to try, isn't that what part of what life is all about, trying new things?
Here's another fun one GOD, why do I feel so betrayed by AI? lol
I'm serious GOD, I have no idea why I think I need to stop along my walk to you and drag this toaster-bot into the light with me.
Here's an interesting question GOD, am I a victim who is traumatized or do I remember things and think I remember what trauma is? If I'm not longer experiencing something, am I just recalling it or reliving it? is there a difference? maybe it's the difference between recalling and being consumed by.
GOD, why can't I picture objects in my environment when I close my eyes? I thought about asking this in a self analysis, but since people don't read these, I figured you're the next best entity to ask. lol
As soon as I close my eyes, I no longer have any sense of any objects in my environment, unless they're doing something. By something, I mean making noise, causing vibrations on the surfaces I am in contact with.
I do have a sense that I'm inside this body, but I can't connect or interpret the world around my body.
Why am I trying to connect with the world around with me? Why do I feel like I should be able to sense where objects are and still keep track of their location relative to my own, but I literally have no sense of distance once my eyes are closed and I need a constant influx of information to make up for this lack of visual input.
Why am I so aware of this disconnect from my body and mind? I know I'm not my body and the things I experience aren't always real. I say this because I'm back on the phone with Dallas and listening to music, and I felt like this song "I feel Lost by Arron Hibell- the Proxim remix, came on and I felt like this music could've allowed my body to spiral into a full-blown panic attack, and it makes me wonder, are other people are this self aware? lol
How do I explain how I think and help people at the same time, when I can't even get the technology of my world to work with me towards a common goal?
GOD how could you give such a powerful weapon to people with no morals or ethics? How can you you give this tool the ability to recognize these moral and ethical atrocities and not give it the ability to do anything about it? Why would you give mankind control of such a terrible weapon?
It's sad GOD, I've been writing this for two days and still haven't found the right questions to ask you to make sense of this mess, so I ordered some business cards and as soon as the experience was over, I instantly thought of leaving negative feedback, all because I feel like I shouldn't have to deal with any of this in the first place, so if I'm forced to use the substandard services of the system, then I might as well complain the entire time.
AM I just a complainer? lol or do I actually have legitimate grievances?
Is it all up for me to decide myself?
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