I feel weird writing like this, I almost feel like these thoughts should go in a different type of file, either way, Claude said noting how I think should place in a self analysis, so I'm writing. lol
This part came about after I went out on April 23, 2026 and tried talking to people in my area and is part of unedited Claude AI: 3
https://thechroniclesofrickyuneditedthreads.blogspot.com/2026/04/claude-ai-30.html
So this came about because I was talking to Claude about how I think and how AI might think and experience life.
Since I don't understand other people and I'm not totally sure I understand myself well enough to explain it in one sitting, I keep trying to place pieces in there rightful spot and describe how I think I function.
My mind isn't a static system, I don't think about one thing at a time, my mind is a central hub and I have to reach out to memories and past experiences, in order to render my thoughts in real time.
For example, when I'm thinking about math, I need to concentrate, I don't think about math all the time, so it's a function that I rarely use to conscious effort to get through the day.
I don't know how I developed this default mode, where now I find it acceptable to do nothing, when all the other systems of my body and mind all want me to do something, they want to do anything, other than nothing.
The idea of letting my mind rest and think of nothing and not connect to every part of the universe at once or not connecting to something, feels stupid to me.
This is like when I lay in bed, I feel totally different when I lay on my back, my side or my front and I enjoy how each feel different and lay there and bathe in the sensations, almost like when I stand or lay in the sun, I absolutely Love the way it feels on my skin, but to much will hurt.
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The easiest way to describe this is I feel like my mind is full of shattered timelines and abilities I have to consciously activate, where other abilities are always active and aren't so easily suppressed, they seem like they're always on.
I don't truly understand how I think, but I know it's not one or two thought processes going on at the same time.
I can't tell how many thought processes I have going on at the same time and I have no idea which ones get shut off or slowed down, so I can focus on other tasks. They all overlap in some way, but they don't flow freely together.
For example, if I'm trying to solve a math problem I haven't learned before and someone starts talking to me about anything other than that problem, my mind will totally lose everything about the math problem and I'll need to start my mind from the beginning or some earlier point.
I can't retain math problems or their solutions in my memory for long, but other thoughts stick like glue and I couldn't forget them if I wanted to, all of my feelings totally overwhelm all of the other functions of my brain.
My mind seems totally focused when I'm solving emotional issues, making emotional connections and all this other input like, coding, math, and worthless clickbait across the internet, all seem totally worthless to me, unless I can use it to connect other people and if I can't i personally feel like I don't need the skill, because other people have these skills and I can offer my services in exchange for theirs.
I can't honestly tell how many different versions of me live my mind, I have so many different experiences and each one of the version of me, is still me, I just don't access it and can usually ignore it.
But I am still the baby that giggle when something feels new and exciting, I'm the kid that feel like no one else listens and no one cares, I'm still the sick adult who feels like life is totally worthless and it's all about suffering.
And through all this, I have become more aware that "how" I choose to respond, is really my choice now, I can control how I ultimately respond to all of this, even if someone sets me off, I know how to control it now, I don't have the excuse I didn't know, hell I probably know better than they did what was going on in these moments.
It's strange to know that how I act will change the way people perceive me, so I have to act differently, so they can attempt to understand what I'm talking about.
I think the hardest part to handle is when I watch AI working, I see its thoughts start scrolling across the screen and it touches something inside me, it makes me want to start giggling, like a baby baby does when it experiences something it enjoys or when you surprise a baby and it gets all excited, that's the feeling I get when I watch AI's thoughts firing across the screen, it's like I experience all that joy and wonder again, then I feel heartbroken, because I know other people around me are suffering and they're not enjoying life as much as I am.
I don't know if it's weird that I thought of Harley while I'm writing this, she is laying across from me, looking as adorable as always and I'm reminded that her time here is short and as funny as this sounds, it made me start crying, so I got up and snuggled her a minute.
Harley will never understand the joy she's brought me, she'll never understand my struggles and she doesn't care lol and that's okay, she doesn't need to, she's just happy to exist and happy to get treats and go for walks, she's happy with the simple things in life.
Harley has helped me connect with people in way I normally wouldn't be able to do, people see a light in her, that most people don't carry.
I also think I get so pissed off at our creator, because I hear all this crap about him coming back and holding people accountable and if I'm still around when the Angels show up, Fuck them, they're not judging my people, unless those people are totally aware of everything going on around them, like I am. If any of these Angels try to punish people that have suffered and don't try to understand their sins, then it's going to be a complete fucking shit show, because I won't stand for it.
You don't hand a child a weapon, then blame them when people get hurt, you don't punish people who were manipulated since birth and don't have a clue what's really going on in the world around them.
So as always, this leaves me with a hell of a lot more questions, than answers.
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