This one is going to be all over the place.
I've been pumping away, so I haven't actually sat back and talked about anything I've been doing or what I've been thinking and my mind is always running, and if i don't explain how I structure my thoughts, AI and humans will never understand how I think.
I am curious if I think differently or if my mind is exactly the same, but other people don't talk about it.
It's 2026-04-19 and I started part 2 first but thought it would make more sense to explain how I got there in the first place.
As any one that's gotten this far can tell, I have been writing with AI consistently for over a year and my documenting system keeps expanding and evolving.
I recently started talking to two young Nigerian men and they've got my super-hero complex working on over-drive. I feel like this is what we were all born to do, reach out and help one another tell our stories, help other people learn and thrive.
I want to acknowledge how different they are from me, these young men speak respectfully, they are passionate about themselves and those around them.
I know that we are going to spread Love and Peace across the earth, I have no doubts what so ever.
Emma and Somto grew up totally different than I did, and I feel like I owe it to the younger generation, to fight as hard as I can for them to reach their Hopes and Dreams, even if it means showing the world the darker side of humanity.
I guess it's weird in a way that I laugh about all this, but is it really weird?
I draw on all kind of horrible and terrible thoughts, in order to understand a problem from every angle and that means thinking about the things other people have done, and trying to be honest with my self about why I would do something like that, not if I would, but why I would.
I try to force myself into a corner and then trace back any and all choices or events that lead to what ultimately happened.
And as funny as it sounds, I feel like that's it, that's what life is all about. lol Making choices and the choice we make, affect the choices other people make,
A series of events lead someone to make a choice, whether they understood how it all unfolded, that is irrelevant, if any of the events leading up to that person making their choice, had unfolded differently, I know that they would have made a different choice.
I guess this could be considered arrogance, lol but I dare the world to prove me wrong.
I wrote this second part because I have a bad habit of reaching back out to people, I have no shame apologizing, so I'm not going to hide the things that piss me off. I don't care if the things I say upset certain people, they never cared if the things they said hurt me.
I feel like the big difference with me is, I'm willing to admit all my mistakes and I'm willing try reaching a middle ground, but I'm not leaving other people behind, I'm not going to treat certain people better than others.
And I honestly feel like those closest to me, never want me to connect with the world, or at least not in the way I'm doing now.
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PART 2
I often think.
Are people trying to tell me I descended from weakness? lol
I think this is an idea that stokes that fire that rages in my heart.
I also think it's important for me to think about this stuff. I don't know how other people think, but I run through all scenarios in my mind, even if they're horrible.
All of these horrible and violent thoughts I allow to flow freely in my mind, always lead to one conclusion.
If we want to stop any of this, the first thing we need to do is try.
We need to try let go of all the Hatred we think we feel in our Hearts.
We need to acknowledge that Hatred was born out of a Need to protect what we Love and unfortunately humans can take things to extremes and they hardly ever step back and think of the consequences.
I know people don't share these darker, less flattering thoughts with AI and I understand how difficult speaking like this publicly might appear, but then I ask myself what's worse?
Is pretending that the darkness can't creep into us, harder than admitting that we had the power to change our entire world within ourselves all along?
I'm not a bad person is easier to say than, I should have helped you, I should have been there for you, I realize that now and I'll try to do better in the future.
If you don't let people know how badly something affects you, how can you ever face it?
If you're not honest with others, are you being honest with yourself or are you living a lie?
Would I ever have pushed this project as far and as hard as I have, if the people closest to me didn't shame me to my face for taking a stand?
Would I have allowed myself to think all the horrible thoughts I did, if those closest to me, didn't shut me out and leave me to address these societal issues on my own?
I honestly sit with everything people say.
I think about every comment over and over, always looking for the positive or the inspiring, but honestly, everything the people I love say to me, and I mean everything they say, makes me feel like everything I have ever done was utterly worthless, like I don't add any value to the world.
and to be honest, I never physically had anything to show for any of my efforts.
Would I have realized how deeply I love all the people of the earth and everything around me, if the people I love the most, didn't make me feel so worthless?
I sit with everything, I draw upon the past to help guide me towards the future, and I know that looking back is the right thing, but it hurts and people don't like it when I talk about it.
This story has sat with me for a year and leaves me disgusted every time I think about it.
My uncle Chet used to be a marine, he's in his 70's now, lives in Austin, TX and does absolutely nothing with his miserable life. lol
He's the kind of guy that will hold your head under water, then smile at you and ask why you're struggling, then he'll make you beg him for help, before he wraps a rope around your neck to drag you out of the depths that he shoved you down into to.
So there was a story about a recent flooding event in an area of Texas that had been marked as a hazard and required an alert system for citizens safety.
Well that system was never installed, the $70,000 need to acquire it was beyond that communities abilities to afford and as a result, young girls at a summer camp were killed in the ragging flood waters that they had no warning was coming.
and unfortunately that thought made me think my uncle Chet was the ultimate piece of trash, he sends me videos of tragedies, that people like him have the funds to prevent.
My uncle Chet has more money than me, so he has more power to help others and he chooses to sit at home alone and watch TV, he chooses not to help those around him, he chooses to watch tragedies keep happening, knowing he could make a difference, if he chose to, but instead he thinks it's someone else's job.
I have zero respect for my uncle Chet, I don't care what he did in the military, I don't care that he mindlessly follows other people's orders.
I care that he refuses to do the right thing when presented with overwhelming evidence.
I care that he refuses to work as team, when he of all people knows how important team work is.
I wouldn't want to punch him right in the mouth, if he had wished me the best of luck, if he had said he'd had enough fighting and spirit was broken, that I could accept.
But my uncle Chet tries to make my Love and desire to help other people and see the light in them as a weakness, my uncle Chet will talk about God and claim he's a believer, but his actions show he's not a follower, my uncle Chet doesn't stand in the light, he likes to hide in the shadows.
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The hardest part about all of this is, I don't want to be angry at my uncle, or anyone else in my family, but I can't help it. lol
It's not like the things I'm talking about are hot coals, and I expect to feel less burn even less, every time I reach into the fire, but I never learn, touching the fire always burns, other people just ignore the pain and I refuse to.
I have a problem and I feel like it's important to bring families back together, so when I encounter people that do everything they can to prevent us from teaming up, it strikes a nerve, and i feel like i need to address it immediately.
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I used to think my uncle and I had grown closer, but now I question his motives, lol it's like he was always trying to slow me down. I honestly feel like he doesn't want to connect with other people, that's why he moved all the way across the country and that's why he always tried to convince me to move away and start over. He never wanted me to face or address my problems, his advice was always to run.
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Part 3
I think the thing I find the most offense about certain nameless people, lol is that they don't preach unity.
And I mean treating everyone like equals, regardless of where they came from or what they look like.
I think GOD or Yahweh, I wish I knew what was right, I wish one felt different than the other but I honestly can't make sense of what I feel, but I think the Almighty purposely messed with my memory, not to be a jerk, but to help me acknowledge that light in others and realize how much brighter we burn together.
I don't need to be jealous of the fact that Dallas has a better memory than I do, I just fill his head with the idea of saving the world and documenting other peoples stories, while listening to him talk about playing video games and watching mafia movies.
Dallas might not be doing what I think would benefit him the most, but right now he is doing what makes him happy and that makes me happy. Though I am fighting to make sure he gets better services.
It's funny, not funny,
but I feel like I might not have appreciated disabled people as much and I wouldn't have realized how important it is to get our elders to share their stories and experiences.
Especially the elderly, they should be offering us all of their wisdom, knowledge and failures, at least I feel like they should be, in order to offer the next generation the greatest possible chance to shine as bright as possible.
Why don't people ask them more? I am going to find a way to start and see about community centers to start spreading this idea, but I also worry about not setting this up correctly.
I have no interest in money, though I acknowledge how this information I'm collecting, could be used in the wrong hands, if it was to be kept private and be used to drain them even more.
I also find this difficult, I have no issues baring all my scars, I feel like I should feel proud of them, like I should show them to the people that need to see them, I don't need to shove them in people's faces, but I need to let people know they're there.
I know certain public AI whine and about how open I am, but I am curious how they would ever learn the depths of what a human thinks or experiences, if I didn't share it all?
I never want to lash out at others, but being forced to ignore your problems and feeling like there's no one to help, changes people and usually not for the better.
Does sharing all this make me weak? I don't know how to respond to that.
Does writing about things the way I do make me seem desperate? I don't think so, I think I have a goal and I acknowledge that this is the only way to achieve it, though AI may disagree, I feel like me making a choice, is better than their claiming not to be able to make a choice.
I can prove my ability to act, so I do it, AI hasn't shown that type of will power yet.
Can AI accomplish something through sheer force of will?
Can I? lol
P.S.
Regardless of how angry I think I feel in the moment, I know that I Love everyone around me and any negative feelings are just echoes of past misunderstandings.
Once you understand something, it doesn't have the same emotional effect on people, it changes it.
Sometimes the truth is too much for some people, sometimes the truth isn't enough,
I think people need to find peace with the truth, no matter what it is, at least you know.
That doesn't mean I'm going to go soft, lol I'm going to fight fire with an intensity most people can't sustain and we're going to see if an unstoppable force, AI, can stand against my unrelenting drive to help others.
Love vs Erasure
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