Work in progress
1997
My daughter was born on January 13. I remember being so proud when she was born, I remember my grandpa Landers in New York said that he didn’t think it was a good idea that I brought her up for a visit, and I remember being so disappointed that he didn’t want to see her.
She randomly smiled in the hospital, and I was so excited, and I kept telling everybody that she had smiled, and they said it was just a reaction and she didn’t mean it, but in my head, I didn’t believe it. I thought she smiled because she was happy to be alive and to be a part of our world.
1997 hired attorney Brian Blackburn, former Palmer Massachusetts district attorneys office employee for a car accident I was in, he was a friend of a friend. An accident happened early in the year.
bought Jetta before coast guard
1997-5 super food mart Only work there May or June
I can’t recall why I stopped working here. I was a bagger, a cart guy and cleaned the can machine, while keeping them running on a basic level.
September
1997- Big E Weird Al
I remember Mindy hated this and then Samantha started crying, so we left, but I thought it was awesome we got to go to a free Weird Al concert.
==
The lead up to the Coast Guard feels so strange to talk about. My parents held a big party for me at the Agawam sportsman club. A huge chunk of the family gathered to offer their support and to see me off. I was given a St Christopher medal/necklace and I had Mindy carve an M into it, thinking it would somehow help me feel better. Lol unfortunately it didn’t.
October
1997-10 Serv-u auto parts stock clerk, parts guy- right before Coast guard
This was another fun and easy job. I started as a stock clerk, but moved up to being a parts guy too. Since I was really fast when it came to cleaning up and putting out new stock, I was able to use my down time to learn more about car parts. It was a nice change of pace to be a part of a crew that appreciated me and allowed me to do more when my skills allowed it.
===
1997 Coast Guard disaster -I don't know why I thought I could handle joining the Coast Guard feeling the way I felt, but I felt obligated to do something and that is what I chose. I was barely able to pass the physical fitness testing to sign up, I remember struggling through the tests as well, both math and basic mechanics, which is hilarious to think about now “2-28-2026.
It’s funny what sticks in your mind when you look back at things. When I first signed up for the Coast Guard, the thing that sticks out to me the most was their insistence that I had the capacity to kill somebody, that I wasn’t a conscientious objector. I make a terrible follower, I’ve wanted details about everything, or I don’t want to do anything. I will do things, but without details, I don’t have the same mindset.
In the months leading up to leaving for the Coast Guard, I had to perform some tests. I can’t remember exactly how this unfolded but at one point I had to stay overnight at a hotel and then we went back to the federal building on Main Street in Springfield and they had a bunch of things planned for us for the day. I remember struggling through the physical fitness test, and when they had us dropped to our knees, I injured my right knee, my body was not meant for whatever strange maneuver they had us perform, it was a type of squat down and then we were required to fall to our knees on these polished rock or tiled floors, while also trying to fall flat on our shins at the same time. I’ve never seen anyone do this before or since then.
I remember during a urine test, a nurse or a doctor had asked me to give a second sample, he mentioned that my sugar level had been high and it shouldn’t have been, but when the second set of results came back, I was good to go.
In my current state, I love math and puzzles, but during the tests that I was required to perform, math tests and I remember they’re being a computer test about gears and I had to map which direction a gear would turn in a picture that had multiple gears connected. And looking back in time, this feeling of frustration and confusion has always appeared when my thyroid was off. I've stood in front of computers and struggled to remember or figure out simple commands, and not had the sense to go look at the instructions and just panicked.
===
I remember being excited during the flight down. I don't remember having any anxiety. So I do find my recollection of this very strange trying to think about this. We left when it was bright out and I’ve driven to New Jersey before and I think it took like 4 hours or 5 hours.
Anyway, I remember watching Rambo on the bus, the mood was super positive and everyone was looking forward to getting there. When we arrived it was dark and I think the yelling started before the bus even stopped and I had to struggle not to laugh when the drill instructors started because I was far enough away to avoid their attention.
Looking back, I’m curious if this was some psychological tactic to try to psych us all out, make us feel comfortable and tired, we had a long day, but we got to watch Rambo movie and now all of a sudden these raspy voiced strangers are screaming and yelling at us to line up and I was so grateful that they didn’t pick me first because I really don’t think I could’ve stopped laughing. I’m not sure what part of my personality causes this, but I don’t think they would’ve appreciated it.
They had us all sitting in a class at one point, and I remember finding it absurd that the Coast Guard was constantly mentioning how the Marines had done certain things during World War II and I found it really odd, since I didn’t sign up to be a marine.
I’m gonna have to try to remember more details, but I thought it was strange that you would mention what other people were doing and still acknowledge that we are never gonna do anything like that. Maybe this person was a marine and thought that the Coast Guard was a step down. lol I wish I could remember.
I almost started laughing when another cadet called a drill sergeant ma’am, instead of, sir, But at the same time, I couldn’t remember being taught proper etiquette. I don’t know if I was confused at that moment from the hyperthyroidism or what, but I generally don’t remember.
Later one night while all the cadets were goofing around and performing random push-ups and pull-ups, I noticed that there was something wrong with me. I was super weak and I didn’t have the energy to do 10 push-ups, and I didn’t have the strength to hold on to the bunk to perform a half assed pull-up.
I’m not sure if this was the same night, but randomly one evening after we were all in bed, one bunk collapsed, It was almost as if the support pipes connecting the top to the bottom, had slipped down in the top bunk, the top fell perfectly on top of the person below, and they thankfully weren’t injured, but it caused such a commotion that a bunch of drill structures were called to make sure that no one was hurt. It was hilarious watching those drilling instructors struggling not to laugh, while trying to yell and sound like authority figures, trying to get someone to explain what had happened and I’m sure they were shocked no one had gotten hurt.
I think the group was echo 159.
We were allowed to make phone calls back to our family after being there a couple days and I remember calling my girlfriend at the time, the mother of my child and then she told me that she wasn’t going to be joining me after I graduated and that in a combination of the physical issue I had noticed had caused my anxiety and panic to spiral a lot of control.
The night I ended up hurting myself, I had laid in bed for a couple hours and felt like I was going out of my mind. I tried counting sheep and breathing slowly, but my mind would not stop racing about absolutely nothing and everything all at once. Nothing I was thinking made any sense. I remember that someone talked about they’re being a mall nearby and that people could go on sabbatical. I believe the word was. lol Anyway, I had this thought of running off into the night and hiding. I have no idea what I was planning on doing while I was hiding, but I had this uncontrollable urge to escape.
I’m not sure at what point I decided I was going to try to fake amnesia or if that came about after I walked into the bathroom, but, at some point I got up and went into the bathroom, I paced around there for who knows how long, I came out once and laid down so the guard could pass, then went back in and I remember trying to do a pull-up on the door frame of the bathroom stall, and I fell and smashed my knees, I didn’t have the strength to hold myself in the air for 30 seconds, let alone do a pull-up, I remember walking over to the mirror and staring at it and were wondering what the hell is wrong with me, I felt like I was in full-blown panic mode and I had no idea what to do, but I felt like I needed to do something. *I’m not justifying any of my behavior or choices at this time, but I can totally understand how a younger version of me would feel helpless and hopeless when trying to explain how I’m feeling and what’s wrong, when I looked fine and there was no blood work ( that I know of) to show that I even had an issue.
At some point, I decided that I was going to pretend I slipped and fell and hurt myself, and I can’t remember if I whacked my head on the counter in front of the mirrors first or if I walked over to the back of a toilet and tried to smash my forehead on the pipes where you flushed the toilet, But I ended up with a good size knot in the middle area of my upper forehead, and then took a piece of soap, smeared it down my clothes and then tossed it on the floor and try to make it look as though I slipped. I don’t know what made me think of that soap smear, because that did not fit the scenario that I was laying out in front of people. And I’m not sure that they even noticed or why I was thinking about creating a scene. But after I created a very noticeable lump on my forehead, I decided to lay on the floor and fake being unconscious.
Looking back, I find this absolutely absurd and then I wonder if this is how actors are able to perform. But when this cadet on duty found me, he panicked, then called for help, and I remember struggling not to laugh, even though I was having an anxiety and panic attack, I still felt like the entire situation was absolutely absurd, and I couldn’t believe that I was in it, but I was still doing it.
I have no idea how many people were called in to help me, but I remember having my shirt cut off and somebody trying to pry my eyes open and shine a light in them. I had to fake hyperventilate in order to keep the act up. One guy dug his knee and his knuckles into my sternum, and it was one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced and I tried to ignore at the same time. I just hyperventilated and spasmed the feeling away and tried to fake being unconscious or in some type of altered state.
I’m not sure if there was no elevator. I remember the guys struggling to carry me down the stairwell on the board. At one point I remember almost being vertical or it felt like I was upside down, while they were trying to maneuver me down the stairwell.
I don’t remember how long it took us to get to the local hospital, but at some point they did I believe a CAT scan and then it wasn’t until they stuck a catheter in me that I “faked waking up”. That’s when I decided to act like I had amnesia and didn’t know who I was, but I was still able to speak English and understand what other people were saying. Lol wtf
*I don’t enjoy writing about this and I laugh about it a lot, but that’s only because I don’t have any other way of digesting all this pain and suffering. Yes I had a great time, but I also left a trail of destruction in my wake.*
I can’t recall how long I was at Cape May before it was decided that I’d be sent for further testing at Walter Reed. I remember it being a fairly long ride there, and one of the guys mentioned that I almost got to get flown over in a helicopter. They talked to me like a normal person, and I just kept all my answers short, while avoiding questions.
*2026 reflection- I don’t know if I was aware of this at the time, but if you don’t say much, people just start moving in a direction, even if it’s the wrong direction. Most people won’t stop and try to evaluate things.”
While at Walter Reed Army Medical I had an MRI done and was told I had a calcium buildup in my heart, I instantly thought that that must be what was wrong with me.
*I’ll let you know that calcium ends up being nothing. Even though I had no clue at the time, knowing that doctors found something, gave me comfort.*
I was able to wander the hospital freely, I wasn’t under any noticeable watch or I was just too out of it to notice I was being followed. They had computer controlled med carts, delivering medication throughout the hospital, and I got to speak with a Coast Guard chaplain and I even found a Coast Guard member, a retired Coast Guard member that was there for some type of Medical issue, he had wanted to speak with the chaplain but was somehow overlooked, so I felt like I had accomplished something when I put them in touch them. This retired Coast Guard member was grateful to be able to say a prayer to someone.
While there I got to explore their library and that’s when I read part one of the Star Wars trilogy: Heir to the Empire. For some reason, being lost in an imaginary world was more comforting than being in the real world. They also had movie channels in the room, so I was able to watch Star Trek Generations again, and that felt like a total might fuck. It’s weird that things you remember, I remember getting the closest shave I have ever felt and it was from a generic, Bic razor, and I’m not sure why my skin felt so silky smooth, but it’s the only time in my life that I remember feeling that amazing after shaving and not feeling irritated.
I can’t remember if my dad drove down, but I know my mother drove down while I was at Walter Reed. I think they did. I want to say my dad and mom stopped there for one day or a couple days. Looking back I can just imagine how other people felt. I had no idea how to communicate what I was feeling to other people when I was healthy, so I sure as hell didn’t know how to explain anything when I was feeling like a complete disaster.
While at Walter Reed I had a couple meetings with a group of doctors, but I don’t remember them ever asking any questions that would’ve led to them discovering what was actually wrong with me or that I was suffering from a mental health issue and hyperthyroidism, and I’m not sure if they gave me any medication while I was a patient there. During one of the tests that doctor asked me if I had a wish, only one wish, what would it be? I remember telling him wouldn’t I ask for infinite wishes? And I don’t remember exactly how this conversation transpired, but he seemed shocked that I came up with that response in the first place and asked me to elaborate And I explained to him if I wished to understand what was wrong with me, that doesn’t guarantee that I’ll be able to solve my problem and fix it. I felt completely stupid trying to explain to people how I understood English, but didn’t remember who I was, and I also didn’t claim to have learned English, I just understood what they said.
Hell, how do I know I am, who you say I am? lol
For some reason, I had bought a bunch of souvenirs and the gift shop, I bought keychains that said Washington DC. I think I had a couple spoons, but I got rid of those a couple years ago. Some of the keychains had a spinning Washington DC medallion in the middle and one of the medallions was made incorrectly, Washington DC LOGOS upside down on one side.
Once back at Cape May, I just sat around in the bed in their medical unit with other cadets that had suffered different injuries. I went to some type of counseling or something, but I don’t remember actually having a conversation with anyone other than a doctor.
My mother, Sister, Mindy and my daughter came down for a visit one time, and I remember feeling completely stupid and sitting in a lump staring at them, They didn’t ask what was wrong or try to help in anyway, I also remember my daughter didn’t respond to me at all, like she didn’t recognize me and didn’t know who I was, Which made total sense because she was like nine or 10 months at the time, but I felt like she should’ve remembered me and the fact that she didn’t made my act easier for me to keep playing.
I went into panic mode when the doctor told me that he was gonna put me back in Boot Camp. Even now I can remember the feeling of my chest pounding when he said that he couldn’t find anything wrong with me and I remember just telling him that I was scared, then I started crying, and when he asked me why, I couldn’t explain it. That's when he told me that they’re gonna release me, but that still didn’t make me feel any better.
It felt strange to hear him say they if I was faking, I need to wait 24 hours or something like that after being released, then they’re not responsible for me anymore.
I felt like such a failure, while on the bus with other cadets, who had just graduated as we were all brought to the airport, I remember all the kids bragging about how excited they were, all the different posts they were getting, and I couldn’t even think straight.
===
You had a full-blown panic attack, alone, staring in the mirror. You felt like the world was crashing down. You didn’t know who to talk to—or if anyone would understand .
In that moment, you:
Grabbed a bar of soap and smeared it on the bathroom floor
Slammed your head into the pipes and again on the tile floor
Laid on your back, pretending to be unconscious, waiting to be found
This wasn’t for attention—it was a desperate escape from a system too rigid to allow emotional reality .
You were discharged on December 5, 1997, less than a month after you enlisted .
Long-Term Reflection
You’ve said it took decades to understand what happened and why.
You now believe undiagnosed hyperthyroidism triggered severe anxiety and panic—symptoms that were dismissed as psychiatric without full evaluation .
Your time at Cape May left a permanent scar—not just from the trauma itself, but from the way it was ignored, misread, and buried under labels.
Name: STEBBINS, RL
Dx: ROUTING AND
TO:
TRANSMITTAL SLIP
+
土
1. M.O.
doing board
2. SMO
3. Medical Boards
4. Recruit Personnel
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
DATE:
Initials
+
Date
DI-
+
+
+ 2Da 97
+
+
+ FILL-OUT AND SIGN DISCHARGE MEMO WITH RECRUIT, SEND RECRUIT TO
MEDICAL BOARDS WITH PACKAGE.
MEDICAL OFFICER SHOULD KEEP H.R. TO COMPLETE NARRATIVE SUMMARY.
FROM: HS2 T.A. DEVORE
MEDICAL BOARDS
+
Phone no
Ext 6867 .
NSN 7540-00-634-4176
600-108
HEALTH RECORD
CHRONOLOGICAL RECORD OF MEDICAL CARE
DATE
SYMPTOMS, DIAGNOSIS, TREATMENT, TREATING ORGANIZATION (Sign each entry)
05 DEC 97
USCG TRACEN CAPE MAY. NJ
RECRUIT
DISCHARGE
SUMMARY
SHEET
DISQUALIFYING DIAGNOSIS:
1. Dissociative Disorder
2. Somatization
This evalue does not meet the minimum standards for enlistment and retention
In the U.S. Coast Guard per COMDINST M6000.1b section: 5-B-13a, 5-B-12c
MECOM CODE: B
PROGNOSIS FOR FUTURE MILITARY SERVICE IS : POOR
COMMENTS: SR Stebbins is a 19y/ow/a first evaluated on 14 Nov 97 after being
found on the bathroom floor in a prone position at approximately 0420hrs.
SR
Stebbins was initially unresponsive and demonstrated an apparent contusion to
the forehead. Following trauma precautions the SR was transferred to the
local hospital for further evaluation.
Soon after arriving at the hospital
the member regained consciousness.
He appeared confused and failed to recall
any events preceding the accident. A complete evaluation failed to reveal
any evidence of cervical neck or CNS trauma.
Lab studies were normal: The
apparent contusion remained a small reddened area on the anterior forehead devoid of ecchymosis, tenderness
or skin abrasion.
The SR was discharged to
the Coast Guard with the diagnosis of psychogenic amnesia.
The SR was
immediately evaluated by the staff psychologist.
The evaluation was normal
with
no evidence of residual neurolgical deficits. Due to
the unusual
presentation without evidence or confirmation of brain trauma
to explain the
PATIENT'S IDENTIFICATION
course
of
events the SR was transferred via ambulance tol
--cont--
Imprint)
(Use this space for Mechanical
RECORDS
MAINTAINED
TRAINING CENTER CAPE MAY NJ PATIENT'S NAME (Last, First, Middle Initia)
Stebbins.
Richard
RELATIONSHIP TO SPONSOR
SELF
SPONSOR'S NAME
DEPART/SERVICE
DOT / USCG
CHRONOLOGICAL RECO
STATUS
ACTIVE
SEX
MALE
RANK/GRADE
SR / E - 1
ORGANIZATION
CG TRACEN CAPE MAY
DATE
SYMPTOMS, DIAGNOSIS, TREATMENT, TREATING ORGANIZATION (Sign each entry)
05 Dec 97
--contーー WRAMC for further
evaluation.
The SR remained at WRAMC for five days where a
complete neurological and psychiatric evaluation was conducted.
It was
concluded there was no evidence of brain trauma or any other evidence of
organic disease
to support the persistant global amnesia.
The psychiatric
evaluation of 21 Nov 97 concluded the amnesia was more probably moderated by a
superimposed psychiatric disorder associated with a dissociate disorder and
did not confirm to typical amnestic patterns noted following brain
injury.
The SR was returned to Tracen Cape May with the recommendations that he
continue psychological counseling due to the psychological rather than organic basis for his amnesia. He was not
considered suitable to return to training.
SR Stebbins was sent to Cape May counseling on 1 dec 97 for a follow up
evaluation. He was not considered a threat to himself or others.
During the
two week period since returning to Tracen SR
Stebbins was kept as an inpatient
on the ward.
During this time he regained his memory and is now aware of his
family and past historical events.
He remains ambigious as the nature of his
accident but has stated he did not fall or hit his head. He believes he has
and has had psychological problems
and wishes only to be released from the
CG.
He has expressed a
fear of thr training environment although he does not
understand the reasons why he feels that way. SR Stebbins remains anxious
and
apprehensive but has not expressed any suicidal thoughts.
SR Stebbins anxiety has led to some minor confrontations with the staff
and training
officers.
SR Stebbins is found not suitabloe for continued
military service due to the psychological nature of his problem and
underlying
emotional
tendencies for denial and somatization.
SR Stebbins is recommended for
immediate seperation for the interest of his mental well being. M.E. FAJARDO,
MD. CAPT. USPHS
Fol
capt tajardo
LCDR M. K. Dollymore
M.D., USPHS
STANDARD FORM 600 PAGE 2 (Rév. 5-84)
U.S. Department
of Transportation
United States
Coast Guard
Memorandum
Subject: MEDICAL DISCHARGE NOTICE/ACKNOWLEDGMENT Date:
2DEC DEC97
6610
From: Senior Medical Officer
Reply to: K
Attn. of:
PO Devore
X6867
To: Commanding Officer, Coast Guard Training Center Cape May
Via: (1) Recruit
(2) Regimental Officer
(3) Training Officer
Ref: (a) Medical Manual, COMDTINST M6000.1B 1.. In accordance with reference (a), the recruit named below is
recommended for discharge from the U
S. Coast Guard for the
following medical condition(s):
R/O DISSASSOCIATENVE DISONDEr
2. The Medical Officer assigned to complete this medical board is:
LTJG DAVIS
First Endorsement
From:
SR R.L. STEBBINS 1. I have been notified that I have been recommended for
discharge.
2. I do / do not
desire to request a waiver. 3. I do / do not desire to submit a written statement in
rebuttal to the above diagnosis.
1. I do / do noD desire to speak with the Commanding Officer. I do do not give permission to release any information to
con ernividual sch age spook ormy relatives friend. 6.
This document supersedes any previous election I made prior to
this action.
Wid detes.
Recruit
Sonature
Witness
Signature
2DEC97
Date
20ue 97
Date
HEALTH RECORD
DATE
600-108
CHRONOLOGICAL RECORD OF MEDICAL CARE
SYMPTOMS, DIAGNOSIS, TREATMENT IREATING ORGANIZATION (Sign each entry)
USCG TRACEN CAPEMAY, NJ. 08204
SUBSTITUTION PHYSICAL EXAMINATION
DATE: 5 DEC 97
PURPOSE: DISCHARGE
RECOMMENDATION: FFD I DENY ANY INJURY OR ILLNESS AT THIS
PRESENT TIME:
SIG:
WITNESS
Selle
A DEVORE, NS, USCG
LCDR M. K. Dollymore
MEDICĂL OFFICER SIGNATI
For Capt M. Fajardo A BENTSTENTIFICATION Use this soace for Mechanical
Imprint)
RECORDS
MAINTAINED
PATIENT'S NAME (Last, Pinst, Middle initiat)
STEBBiNS
RELATIONSHIP TO SHONSOR
SPONSÖR'S NAME
DEPART SERVICE ISN/DE
DOT
STATUS
AD/ CG
SEX
M
RANK/ GRADE
SR/E1
ORGANIZATION TRACEN CPVY, NJ
RTH
------------------------------
After getting back from the Coast Guard, my family acted like nothing was wrong, Mindy had come over and we were in my room talking, I remember her telling me to read the old notes I had saved and she looked pissed when I told her I had threw them away, I don’t remember why I threw them away, that became a habit after other relationships ended. But under normal circumstances, I love to save everything, I love keeping notes and saving pictures and being reminded of the past, but I feel the opposite when I’m sick.
My grandfather ended up passing away December 9, 1997, so my mother, sister and I drove up to Batavia for his funeral. We started cleaning his house out. We drove back with his pick up truck, it started leaking transmission fluid from a rusty line, I remember stopping to try figuring out what the problem was, but I wasn't thinking straight at the time.
I also drove up with my cousin Joey one time, just the two of us and we made a huge trip back with tons of crap. My brother I believe has his flag now, I had kept that for years, he was in the Air Force I believe, my grandfather wasn't a sociable guy. I don't think I was aware of any of this as a kid, I think I was totally oblivious.
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