Work in progress
1997
My daughter was born in January 13. I remember being so proud when she was born, I remember my grandpa Landers in New York said that he didn’t think it was a good idea that I brought her up for a visit, and I remember being so disappointed that he didn’t want to see her.
She randomly smiled in the hospital, and I was so excited, and I kept telling everybody that she had smiled, and they said it was just a reaction and she didn’t mean it, but in my head, I didn’t believe it. I thought she smiled because she was happy to be alive and to be a part of our world.
1997 hired attorney Brian Blackburn former Palmer Massachusetts district attorneys office employee for a car accident I was in, he was a friend of a friend. accident happened early in the year
bought Jetta before coast guard
1997 Aims department store- stock clerk
1997-5 super food mart Only work there May or June
1997- Deli on shaker rd - stopped there because of car accident.
September
1997- Big E Weird Al
October
1997-10 Serv-u auto parts stock clerk, parts guy- right before Coast guard
1997 Coast Guard disaster -I don't know why I thought I could handle joining the Coast Guard feeling the way I felt, but I felt obligated to do something and that is what I chose. I was barely able to pass the physical fitness testing to sign up, I remember struggling through the tests as well, both math and basic mechanics, which is hilarious to think about now “2-28-2026.
It’s funny let’s fix your mind when you look back at things. When I first signed up for the Coast Guard, the thing that sticks out to me, the most was there insistence that I had the capacity to kill somebody, that I wasn’t a conscientious objector. I make a terrible follower, I want details about everything, or I don’t want to do anything. I will do things, but without details, I don’t have the same mindset.
In the months leading up to leaving for the Coast Guard, I had to perform some tests. I can’t remember exactly how this unfolded but at one point I had to stay overnight at a hotel and then we went back to the federal building on Main Street in Springfield and they had a bunch of things planned for us for the day. I remember struggling through the physical fitness test, and when they had us dropped to our knees, I injured my right knee, my body was not meant for whatever strange maneuver they had us perform, it was a type of squat down and then we were required to fall to our knees on these polished rock or tiled floors, trying to fall flat on our shins. I’ve never seen anyone do this before or since then.
I remember during a urine test, a nurse or a doctor had asked me to give a second sample, he mentioned that my sugar level has been high and it shouldn’t have been, but when the second set of results came back, I was good to go.
In my current state, I love math and puzzles, but during the tests that I was required to perform, math test and I remember they’re being a computer test about gears and I had to map which direction a gear would turn in a picture that had multiple gears connected. And looking back in time, this feeling of frustration and confusion has always appeared when my thyroid was off, I’ve stood in front of computers and struggled to remember or figure out simple commands, and not have sense to go look at the instructions and just panicked.
I remember being excited during the flight down I don’t remember having any anxiety. Do I do find my recollection of this very strange trying to think about this. We left when I was bright out and I’ve driven to New Jersey before and I think it took like 4 hours or 5 hours.
anyway, I remember watching Rambo and getting there and it was dark and I had to struggle not to laugh when we arrived and the drill instructors started yelling at everyone to line up. Looking back, I’m curious if this was some psychological tactic to try to psych us all out, make us feel comfortable and tired, we had a long day, but we got to watch Rambo movie and now all of a sudden these raspy voiced Strangers are screaming and yelling for us to line up and I was so grateful that they didn’t pick me first because I don’t think I could’ve stopped laughing and I’m not sure what part of my personality causes this, but I don’t think they would’ve appreciated it.
They had a sauce sitting in a class at one point, and I remember finding it absurd that the Coast Guard was mentioning how the Marines had done certain things at World War II and I’m gonna have to try to remember more details, but I thought it was very odd that you would mention what other people were doing and still acknowledge that we are never gonna do anything like that. Maybe this person was a marine and thought that the Coast Guard was a step down. lol I wish I could remember.
I almost started laughing when another cadet called a drill, sergeant ma’am, instead of, sir, But at the same time, I couldn’t remember being taught proper etiquette. I don’t know if I was confused at that moment from the hyperthyroidism or what, but I generally don’t remember.
Later one night and all the cadets were goofing around and performing random push-ups and pull-ups, that I noticed that there was something wrong with me. I was super weak and I didn’t have the energy to do 10 push-ups, and I didn’t have the strength to hold on to the bunk to reform a half assed pull-up.
I’m not sure if this was the same night, but randomly one evening after we were all in bed, one bunk collapsed, It was almost as if the support pipes connecting the top to the bottom, had slipped down in the top bunk, the top fell perfectly on top of the person below, and they thankfully weren’t injured, but it caused such a commotion that a bunch of drill structures are called to make sure that no one was hurt and I remember that drilling instructors were struggling not to laugh while trying to yell and sound like authority figures trying to get someone to else what had happened and I’m sure they were shocked no one had gotten hurt.
I think the group was echo 159.
We were allowed to make phone calls back to our family after being there a couple days and I remember calling my girlfriend at the time, the mother of my child and then she told me that she wasn’t going to be joining me after I graduated and that in a combination of the physical issue I had noticed had caused my anxiety and panic to spiral a lot of control.
The night I ended up Hurting myself, I had laid in bed for a couple hours and felt like I was going out of my mind, my mind would not stop racing about absolutely nothing and everything all at once. Nothing I was thinking made any sense. I remember that someone talked about they’re being a mall nearby and that people could go on sabbatical. I believe the word was. lol Anyway, I had this thought of running off into the night and hiding. I have no idea what I was planning on doing while I was hiding, but I had this uncontrollable urge to escape.
I’m not sure at what point I decided I was going to try to fake amnesia or if that came about after, But, at some point I got up and went into the bathroom, I pasted around there for who knows how long and I remember trying to do a pull-up on the door frame of the bathroom stall, and I fell and smashed my knees, I didn’t have the strength to hold my self in the air for 30 seconds, let alone do a pull-up, I remember walking over to the mirror and staring at it and were wondering what the hell is wrong with me, I felt like I was in full-blown panic mode and I had no idea what to do, but I felt like I needed to do something. At some point, I decided that I was going to pretend I slipped and fell and hurt myself, and I can’t remember if I whacked my head on the counter in front of the mirrors first or if I walked over to the back of a toilet and try to smash my forehead on the pipes where you flushed the toilet, But I ended up with a good size, not in the middle of life, upper forehead, and then took a piece of soap, smeared it down my clothes and then tossed it on the floor and try to make it look as though I slipped, and I don’t know what made me think of that because that did not fit the scenario that I was laying out in front of people. And I’m not sure that they even noticed or why I was thinking about creating a scene. But after I created a very noticeable lump on my forehead, I decided to lay on the floor and fake being unconscious.
Looking bag, I find this absolutely absurd and then I wonder if this is how actors are able to perform. But when this cadet on duty found me, he panic called for help, and I remember struggling not to laugh, even though I was having an anxiety and panic attack, I still felt like the entire situation was absolutely absurd, and I couldn’t believe that I was in it, but I was still doing it.
I have no idea how many people were called in to help me, but I remember having my shirt cut off and somebody trying to pry my eyes open and shine a light and I had to Hyperventilate in order to keep the act up, One guy dug his knee and his knuckles into my sternum, and it was one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced. I just hyperventilated the feeling away and tried to fake being unconscious or in some type of altered state..
I’m not sure if there was no elevator I remember the guys struggling to carry me down the stairs on the board where structure that they had put me on at one point I remember almost being vertically upside down while they were trying to maneuver me down the stairwell.
I don’t remember how long it took us to get to the local hospital, but at some point they did I believe a CAT scan and then it wasn’t until they stuck a catheter in me that I faked waking up. That’s why I decided to act like I had amnesia and didn’t know who I was, but I was still able to speak English and understand what other people were saying.
While at Walter Reid army Medical I had an MRI done and was told I had a calcium buildup in my heart, I instantly thought that that must be what was wrong with me. I’ll let you even though I had no clue with that action has anything to do with anything. But knowing that doctor’s phone, something, gave me comfort.
I was able to wander the hospital freely, I wasn’t under any noticeable watch or I was just too out of it to notice I was being followed. They had computer controlled med cards, delivering medication throughout the hospital, and I got to spoke with a Coast Guard chaplain and I even found a Coast Guard member, a retired Coast Guard member that was there for some type of Medical issue, I had wanted to speak with the chaplain but was somehow overlooked so I felt like I had accomplished something when I put them in touch them. This retired Coast Guard member was able to say a prayer to someone.
While there I got to explore their library and that’s when I read part one of the Star Wars trilogy: Heir to the Empire. For some reason, being lost an imaginary world, was more comforting than being in the real world. They also had movie channels in the room, so I was able to watch Star Trek Generations again, and that felt like a total might fuck. It’s weird that things you remember, I remember getting the closest shave I have ever felt and it was from a generic, thick razor, and I’m not sure why my skin felt so silky smooth, but it’s the only time in my life that I remember feeling that amazing after shaving and not feeling irritated.
I can’t remember if my dad drove down, but I know my mother drove down while I was at Walter Reed. I think they did. I can just imagine how other people fell, I had no idea how to communicate what I was feeling to other people when I was healthy, so I sure as hell didn’t know how to explain anything when I was feeling like a complete disaster.
I had a couple meetings with a group of doctors, but I don’t remember them ever asking any questions that would’ve led to them discovering what was wrong with me or that I was suffering from a mental health issue and hyperthyroidism, and I’m not sure if they gave me any medication while I was a patient there. During one of the tests that doctor asked me if I had a wish, only one wish, what would it be? I remember telling him wouldn’t I ask for infinite wishes? And I don’t remember exactly how this conversation transpired, but he seems shocked that I came up with that response in the first place and asked me to elaborate And I explained to him if I wished to understand what was wrong with me, that doesn’t guarantee that I’ll be able to solve my problem and fix it. I felt completely stupid trying to explain to people how I understood English, but didn’t remember who I was, when I didn’t claim to have learned English, I just understood what you said. Hell, how do I know I am, who you say I am? lol
For some reason, I had bought a bunch of souvenirs and the gift shop, I bought keychains that said Washington DC, I think I had a couple spoons, but I got rid of those a couple years ago. Heard from the keychains had spinning Washington DC medallion in the middle and one of the medallions was made incorrectly, Washington DC LOGOS upside down on one side.
Once back at Cape May, I just sat around in the bed in their medical unit other cadets that had suffered different injuries, I went to some type of counseling or something, but I don’t remember actually having a conversation with anyone other than a doctor.
My mother, Sister, Mindy and my daughter came down for a visit one time, and I remember feeling completely stupid and sitting in a lump staring at them, They didn’t ask what was wrong or try to help in anyway, I also remember my daughter didn’t respond to me at all, like she didn’t recognize me and didn’t know who I was, Which made total sense because she was like nine or 10 months at the time, but I felt like she should’ve remembered me and the fact that she didn’t made my act easier to keep playing.
I went into panic mode when the doctor told me that he were gonna put me back in Boot Camp, that he couldn’t find anything wrong with me and I remember telling him that I was scared and I just started crying, and when he asked me why, I couldn’t explain it. Then he told me that they’re gonna release me, but that still didn’t feel any better.
I felt like such a failure, while on the bus with other cadets, who had just graduated as we were all brought to the airport, I remember all the kids bragging about how excited they were the different posts, and I couldn’t even think straight.
- You had a full-blown panic attack, alone, staring in the mirror. You felt like the world was crashing down. You didn’t know who to talk to—or if anyone would understand .
- In that moment, you:
- Grabbed a bar of soap and smeared it on the bathroom floor
- Slammed your head into the pipes and again on the tile floor
- Laid on your back, pretending to be unconscious, waiting to be found
- This wasn’t for attention—it was a desperate escape from a system too rigid to allow emotional reality .
- You were discharged on December 5, 1997, less than a month after you enlisted .
Long-Term Reflection
- You’ve said it took decades to understand what happened and why.
- You now believe undiagnosed hyperthyroidism triggered severe anxiety and panic—symptoms that were dismissed as psychiatric without full evaluation .
- Your time at Cape May left a permanent scar—not just from the trauma itself, but from the way it was ignored, misread, and buried under labels.
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