work in progress
1998-01-05 Mindy got a restraining order against me.
So I started this year working at the Ramada Inn in Chicopee a family friend Mark Festa had got me a job. I started as a janitor just vacuum in the hallway and cleaning windows and then when they saw how fast I got it all done and I just wanted to leave they offered me a 3rd shift night auditor. I don't think that was good for me because all I did was sit alone I didn't have anybody to talk to just plenty of time to think about the fact that I kept failing. I met one girl that while I was working there and she bet me $20 that I wouldn't smoke a cigarette and I took her bet and I won my $20 lol
That year Titanic came out a bunch of us went to see it like four times I even saw it with a fellow night auditor that I used to talk to. Have to call around and ask for people their occupancy and the rates.
At some point early in the year I spent a night at a mental health facility on State St in Springfield, I was still feeling like shit from that Coast Guard disaster and I wasn't thinking straight. I might have still been working at the Ramada inn. I didn't want to let what I was feeling go, I still wanted to investigate what was going on. I didn't have insurance at the time, so I had to find a free clinic. I had to call around, but none of the ones I called would accept you, unless you were suicidal, I don't recall what I told them, I do remember being surprised that I was asked to stay over night and then totally shocked when called my family, I don't feel like they listened or understood what I was going through at all. I remember feeling totally embarrassed when they called, I think my cousin Ellie or my mother. I think they called my cousin, then she called my mother. This is the first time I ever remember someone mentioning stuff like, has your son had violent thoughts, has he talked about wanting to hurt other people or himself, does he have access to weapons. Before this I felt like I wanted out of my body, or like my life didn't make sense, how could my body feel and work one way, I would feel great, then all of a sudden I would start having all these issues and no one had a clue what I was talking about.
Now I remember feeling like " this fucking bitch is trying to make me look like a fucking monster", when I really just wanted to talk to someone, to try to understand why I was feeling the way I was. it was like she was trying to shut me down right away. I wanted to talk about what happened when I whacked my forehead on the floor. I couldn't explain what was wrong with me, something felt horribly off and I felt like no one had the patience to talk me through it.
I remember just being left to sit alone in the room they provided or hangout in the common area, for 99% of the time I was there. there was no guidance or structure. I didn't talk to anyone there like I did at other mental health facilities, during future events.
I can't recall if i talked to a doctor or psychiatrist, either way I remember thinking and this may sound terrible, but I thought the patients at this facility were in far worse shape than I was. I don't mean to make it sound like they were bad people, but they weren't quiet about expressing negative emotions out loud. Looking back , but a couple may have had disabilities. I'm curious if it was a combination of the patients and the embarrassment of the way that worker spoke to my family, that made me think my health issue wasn't really important and/or what I was feeling really wasn't that bad, no one else took it seriously, or spoke about noticing any personality changes. I'll have to think about this more in the future. , it's 02-27-2026 today and from this perspective I still don't think those people understood what I was talking about and I don't think most people understand what I'm trying to talk about now. lol I can imagine what you're all saying, but I don't have the context to understand why anyone feels the way they do about things. I can guess, but it's not a guarantee. why does AI say this or that? is it really the right response? Why did I feel like it was important to add this? I can't recall if I was prescribed any medication, I don't recall stopping at a pharmacy, but i do remember driving there and parking my car, the location was on the second floor of a building on the south side.
Got that horrible job selling Tri-Star, vacuum cleaners, also known as the silver pig. What a piece of junk, we are told not to wrap the cord around the device probably cause the wires were gonna snap because they were a low quality. This is the only time in my life I’ve ever done any type of salesman position absolutely hated it. First of all, I’m a terrible liar. I’m not going to pretend that I absolutely love something when I don’t know anything about it. And then the guys I worked with were such scumbags. One time we were driving towards Springfield on 57 in Agawam and I was following these guys throwing so much trash out the window. It probably would’ve been like a $10,000 fine. lol And I’m supposed to respect these kind of people that’s absolutely ridiculous. I felt terrible at this time of my life. I had so much anxiety I remember sitting in that crummy little building at the end of 57 in Southwick at the intersection of 202.
Spring
I went back to roofing, I did that most of the summer.
I met Shannon and moved to Agawam in a relatively short period of time. I met her through a friend Tony D and someone else from East Longmeadow. Tony was friends with Bonnie, who lived across the street from Mindy, before Mindy moved with her mom, Carrie, Samantha and Jim? lol.
I had started sleeping over Shannon's, I wasn't letting my parents know what I was doing and my dad gave me grief one day about staying out too much and I wasn’t feeling well, I felt rebellious, and argued with him.
I don't remember exactly how things unfolded next, I might have asked Shannon to move in or I might have told her and she invited me to move in, either way moved out of my parents and into Shannon's apartment with her her, sister and another friend of theirs at the Amherst Ave apartments in Agawam.
Baby number 2
And... She got pregnant soon after. lol Looking back, I was super excited, I didn't think negatively about it at all, I was excited, though I don't think I truly understood the responsibility of raisng a child at that point, being sick off and on had caused me to go with the flow.
I was still collecting comics and big into X-Men, so naturally when I learned we were having a son, I talked Shannon into naming him Nathan Christopher, after Cable, the son of Scott and Jean Summers. lol
Such a sad tragic story, a child sent to the future, to save it, and then he returns to the past with an evil twin. lol My son is austistic and I've never met him, so in a way, I will also never get to know him,
I start roofing again, I was working towards starting my own roofing business, but I was feeling totally overhwhelmed, so I did that most of the summer.
Drinking with Jeremey and his cousin Chris.
Pepperrmint schnapps from Grandpa Landers in New York.. yuck.. lol
I think this was the first and last time I ever drank with my cousin Jeremy, lol I can't remember where we went, but we drove what I remember to be a home in a wooded area. There was a fairly large grouo from what I cam recall, 15-20 people, hangout both in a outside. At some point the death of my friend Tammy came up and I was so sick of the jokes and the endless nonsense, that in my drinken state, I thought it would be funny to say- Yeah, sure I killed her and my cousin's helped, they were there too. lol Needless to say, that didn't go over very well, guys in their drunken state wanted to fight my cousin for joking, but then at the same time people were asking, did you guys kill her? lol
Needless to say, this joke started problems with my family, then my Dad and Uncle Mike had a talk one night with on the porch on Hope St. They were worried I might have killed Tammy.
We talked for what felt like hours, but I never felt the the conversation went anywehre.
I know things got tense when I mentioned how Mikes son Joey had joked about Tammy and would slow down when driving by the spot police discovered her body, when were with friends and make comments about Tammy being found there. I felt like there were jokes and I didn't say much, because of how uncomfortable this specific situations felt. But looking back, how else are you supposed to bring up these hard to discuss topics? Make a few jokes to set the mood. lol or not.... lol
Drinking with Brian
I lost wallet, but when?
Summer/Fall
At some point while roofing houses, we went to a roofing warehouse Bradco Roofing Supply Rocus St in Springfield to pick up supplies and they had offered me a warehouse job. I have recently been to court and been ordered to pay child support for Samantha and Needed a stable. Working Roofing was going to be a contracting job and I was going to have to pay my own taxes, I was feeling like a mess at the time, so I took the job at the warehouse, and I'm not sure if I gave my full two weeks notice. I remember having a conversation with Tommy with about the warehouse trying to pressure me working right away and not giving two weeks notice. My uncle Mark Stebbins worked there at the same time I did ( he and Tommy were best friends at that time, but had a falling out decades later, they went to Putnam together) and I thought for some reason that we were gonna get to spend a lot of time together and get to know each other. But that's not how it worked out. I hardly saw Uncle Mark, he was always out on deliveries.
Fall
While I was dating Shannon. We made a couple trips down to Delaware to visit her grandfather that fall, one time I got a ticket for speeding even though I wasn't speeding. I was so pissed, I also felt totally powerless to do anything about it, seeing I lived 4 plus hours away, so I just paid it.
I started feeling really sick in Delaware, then my car started acting up, which made my anxiety even worse. I felt like nobody wanted to help, though I'm not sure what I expected people to do.
I got some bad gas while in Delaware and my car started bogging down when I tried to accelerate to fast and it was struggling to go 50 mph and the speed limit was 55 mph, so that was causing my anxiety to go through the roof.
that was a long drive home with three women in a baby and they wouldn't change his diaper I remember.
I got mad and yelled at them and pulled over and they changed his diaper when he was screaming and as soon as they changed his diaper he stopped crying. Some women are so lazy and ridiculous, it's unimaginable, I started going to court so I had to get a different job so I started working at Bradco roofing supply and then I got laid off for Christmas.
I remember running into my cousin Bryan Stebbins At a Chinese food restaurant in West Springfield, Massachusetts. He was by himself and I was with an ex-girlfriend at the time, and I started chatting with him and we sat with him If he really wanted company, but I always liked hanging out with him and talking with him. This is the last time I ever saw him alive again. ends with the mother of my daughter tony Davidson.
December
While in the Walmart parking lot, after shopping for Christmas, My car key got stuck my Volkswagen Jetta's ignition. It wouldn't runed and I couldn't pull it out. so I ended up using a screwdriver to smash the key out and from that time forward I used a screwdriver to start my car, I never bothered replacing the ignition.
Christmas day or the day, Shannon and I were headed to my moms with her son after picking Samantha up. I driving north on Parker Street, we were sitting the lights at the Wilbraham Road intersection.
The light was green, so I honked my honk. The guy just sat there, so I honked again and flipped him off.
That's when this old man got out of his car, went straight for the back door and tried to open it, with my daughter Samantha sitting right there. I jumped out of the car, and instantly started punching him in the face, blood exploded everywhere. I didn't even realize it, but had I left my car in drive, when I jumped out and bumped into his bumper,. Shannon ended up putting it in park. A bunch of people got out of their cars and then we waited for the police to arrive. Well the cops showed up, they told me I should have strangled them to death and should have kept beating him.
I was all worked up and excited when we get back to my mother's house. I don't remember Where my dad was living at this time,
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