2016
January 2016
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I still really wanted to fight the charges, I was still felt confident a jury would take my side, regardless of what Elaine said, but I felt pressured into attempting to CWOF.
2016-01-05
Less than 2 weeks after getting out of the hospital for trying to kill myself for the second time, I was scheduled to plead to a CWOF,
I had wanted to fight the charges, but Elaine spent a significant amount of time explaining how stressful a trial would be and with my current mental health issues, she was worried about me misspeaking while testifying.
She kept talking about how worried she was bout my mental health, so I don't know why she didn't ask for competency evaluation or reach out to my doctors to verify the things I was saying, I was just allowed to do whatever?
The judge had a terrible snotty attitude as soon as she walked in the room. She gave some stupid speech about how she doesn't agree to the terms of the CWOF. I remember thinking- Good you fucking bitch, I didn't want to accept it anyway. lol
January 18, 2016
I suffered another mental break down for no apparent reason.
I can remember exactly how I was feeling and what I was doing when this event started, I was working for Advantage Sales and Marketing that a Big Y in Connecticut and I'm not sure if Laura had the day off, but I started texting her and then I instigated a fight, and that led me to stopping by an Agway on the way home, to buy some rat poison, then I put it in a water bottle and some of drank it.
When I got to the house I'm pretty sure that Laura was already there or she just pulled up, either way officers arrived immediately after and I was brought to the emergency room at Baystate Wing, Palmer by ambulance. I'm not sure how long I laid in the hospital bed for, just going out of my mind, but I knew doctor's weren't going to take my health issues seriously, so at some point I convinced Laura to leave and then I escaped and called her to pick me up. We stopped at Wendy's on our way back but shortly after getting there the police arrived, and I remember hiding in the closet. I'm not sure officers found me on their own or Laura pointed out that I was hiding the closet, but an officer opened the door, told me to come out, then said I was lucky he didn't shot me, since there was a machete in the closet too. I didn't notice it until he said something.
I was totally freaked out by the idea of being shot, the officers cuffed me, walked me out the front door and one officer brought me back to palmer. The SUV cruiser had an in-vehicle recording system, so I took this opportunity to ask about how the recordings worked, The officer seemed excited to explain the story, It was a new system and he thought it was pretty neat, so I took that opportunity to talk about all the issues I was having.
I told that officer how Springfield police officers had denied me medical attention, then I discovered ADA Johnston passed in a fake receipt to the courts, all because that driver didn't have car insurance, she was also driving with a suspended registration and her SUV had a rejection sticker for safety. I told that officer, that this driver had a sister in the district attorney's office, a cousin in the clerks office and had friends that were police officers.
I had this unrealistic idea that telling this officer about all of the problems I was having exposing what I had found, was somehow going to change the world around me.
I don't think the officer was really paying attention to me, but he did respond to all my questions about the recorders.
Laura returned to the hospital and hung around for a couple hours, after that I was secured to a hospital bed after that. lol
I was released January 25, I'm not sure who picked me up, but I was responsible for picking Harley up. When I got to the, I thought she was the ugliest little thing. lol I couldn't believe that I had been talked into buying a dog, when my dad had explicitly said "NO" on many occasions and he wan't happy about the cats we fostered and kept, now I'm getting out of the psycho ward for trying to kill myself the third time and I'm coming back with a dog in tow. lol I don't know what the fuck I was thinking.
Link to Blog about Harley with lot of Pictures
https://rickystebbins78.blogspot.com/2025/05/harley-2016.html
February
For some reason I thought I was going to be able to hide Harley from my father, that idea l lasted all of 30 seconds. I learned really fast that she is a howler, you walk out the door and leave her alone and she starts howling and she doesn't fucking stop. lol But she won't do it for a treat, only when she'd stressed or anxious about being alone.
First I went over and explained things to Sue, I told her that I had gotten a dog, that doctors had recommended that it would help me, it sounded so fucking stupid to me. lol
but I didn't know what else to say, I felt like a complete fucking disaster and I was forced to explain the situation, because Laura didn't want to. lol
my father and I have always had a complicated relationship, so going over next door and trying to explain that I completely ignored what he had told me about getting a dog and bought one anyway, when he had already allowed me to keep a cat. lol It wasn't easy for me, my anxiety was through the roof, I felt like my life was falling apart, now I'm here trying to plead my case for wanting a dog, a dog I really didn't want, but was talked into, yet now i need to say i wanted it and doctors thought it was a great idea. Man I'm a terrible salesman, I felt like such a complete loser and was so happy to be able to get away and hide in my apartment next door. lol
All of this probably felt extra stressful because Harley was not a snuggly or lovey little puppy, she's not a snuggly or lovely older dog, she's an independent, spoiled little brat. lol
At some point after getting out of the psych-ward on and trial on February 5th. I went to a scheduled meeting at my lawyer, Elaine Pourinski’s office in Northampton.
When I showed up, there was an older gentleman in the hallway, he pulled out a small hammerless revolver, stepped towards me, placed it to my forehead and took the files that Elaine Pourinski had asked me to bring that day.
He told me not to pursue this case and I had nothing in me, I had defense, no energy to resist. I was a complete disaster, I didn’t know what to do, I just froze and let him walk out of the building and didn't put up any fight at all. Normally I always carry a knife on me, but I'm not sure if I had it what day or how it would've stopped bullets, but normally I don't feel totally defenseless.
When I walked into Elaine Pourinski's office, I was a complete wreck' I told her someone just placed a gun to my head a threatened me, I was shaking and wanted to call the police, but she that wasn't a good idea and she told me there’s nothing she can do and she was adamant about not want me calling the cops, She told me she’s having knee surgery and she’s worried for her safety and Her family safety. I felt obligated to stay quiet, I thought it was the right thing.
This is when Elaine started saying- she knows the DA will accept my guilty plea, if I say this and that. She claimed the person from the phone call with CJIS remembered me calling and that looked bad for some reason, she also said a previous judge was going to testify, even though he wasn't involved.
I knew I was being coerced into pleading guilty, I wanted to fight those stupid charges, but at that moment in time, I felt lucky to be alive and I didn't have any other ideas or options that seemed actionable.
Obviously, looking back, I know this is a complete setup and Elaine was just playing stupid because she knew I was sick and I have a big mouth, I don't let anything slip by me without mentioning it.
This is part of my mental health record, this is so AI understands why I think it's important for people to have multiple different types of context to work with.
Links to those years records
8th
These four pictures of Harley were taken sometime around the 8th.
I used to think that she was so ugly, She was such a scrawny, ratty, sassy, tiny little thing, then I fell in love with her and now I think she's an adorable, fat, sassy, spoiled, little shit . lol
This little bitch has always hated snuggling.... WTF
March
At this point my marriage with Laura dissolved I think around March, it was pretty rough, I was a disaster after losing that court case. I'm sure she couldn't deal with my nonsense anymore and I didn't even know what my nonsense was all about.
I was forced to probation and therapy in Worcester, until I was able to find a therapist in my area, I told this therapist my entire story, I beg this guy to help me, I literally begged him to help me report what was going on, I brought copies of all the evidence I had to prove I wasn't lying and he said he believed me but other than that, he was absolutely worthless. I'm so happy he believed me, I guess he could've said i said delusional. lol
Our breakup was terrible, Laura wanted to keep Harley, but there was no way in hell I was going to let that happen. When I was in the Psych Ward she knew my father said that we could not have a dog, his rules said no. And she talked me into get a puppy, while I was in the psych ward, and showed me a video which I'm going to place online and add to this
Had to nag Doctor Umanzer for thyroid meds. he even had to the never to ask if I was sure i wanted to take something.
24 hours after taking my first pill I noticed a measurable difference in my anxiety and I was finally able to feel an emotional reaction to music. (This really fucked me up, I would try jogging and listening to music, but I wouldn't get goose bumps to any of my favorite songs, they wouldn't elicit any reaction at all)
Saturday April 16th did the Westfield Wildwater Canoe races this year I raced with my brother we came in second place and a bunch of his friends raced as well
05-08
Dom’s first brook trout fishing in an overgrown stream, I was so excited, I was hoping he’d fall in love with fishing after this.
May 22nd we went to the coolest World War Two reenactment event I've ever seen in my entire life. I took Dominick one of my brother and his kids.
Dominic played soccer this year, I think that was the last year that he played as well.
July 3rd my mother sent me a goofy picture of Harley jumping on Dominic's dog's Bugsy's back
I took Dominic fishing in the Chicopee River underneath the bridge between Wilbraham and Ludlow. I have fond memories of going there as a child we caught a pickerel that had a wound on its side. I'll have to tell that story later.
September
09-04
Out of the blue one day, Tammy's sister Allison reached out to me. I hadn't spoken a word to her since before Tammy went missing. I was shocked and nervous at first.
Honestly, the idea of dealing with Tammy felt like it was going a headache, I had just been coerced into pleading guilty, I was back living at Hope St. after my marriage fell apart, plus Laura had the nerve to ask me if I had killed Tammy after one of our last arguments, but deep down I knew I wanted to share everything I knew about Tammy.
I tried to tell Allison everything I could remember, but I was a mess at the time, I couldn't understand how things gotten to this point, I was struggling to make sense of it all.
At one point I reread our messages and even noticed/realized that I told her some things that were wrong. lol
The police had gotten to say that Tammy knocked on my window one night, but left when I wouldn't join her. I don't know why I told Allison that, but I notice that I'd repeat the things people told me to say when I'm sick, I'd don't this on different occasions, or put up a weak defense when I knew there was a problem.
Took Dominic over my dad's September 5th for a family get together even though I had moved out at the beginning of the year I still kept trying to work on everyone's relationship
Beth
I met Beth on Plenty of Fish, a popular dating site. lol
We talked for a short time, then went to see Suicide Squad at the Hadley movies theater at the Hampshire mall.
Afterwards we went to Arizona pizza, ordered chicken wings and ended up talking for a few hours.
I felt like a complete idiot, but I didn't want her to get to know me, without first hearing about all the crazy nonsense I had been through. I felt like I understood my issues better at the time and was able to connect my thyroid issue to the Coast Guard incident and my suicide attempts, but I didn't truly understand the role it played in my actions, or how it effect my mind, and maybe still don't truly see the pattern. lol
I did my best to tell Beth my life story, I started with the issues I had in the Coast Guard, then tried to explain the problems I had with my children’s mothers and why I don't see them, my suicide attempts, and all of my seemingly endless court issues. I felt like such a loser, I didn't think anyone would every truly understand all the things I've been through, but she didn't seem to care, she had her own issues to deal with.
Beth had recently separated from her husband of 15+ years and was trying to figure out what she was going to do with her life. She had been a stay at home mom for over a decade and was looking for a job, but most places wanted you to have experience, so it was slow going.
She told me all about the abuse her son suffered in a group home near Fall River, how the state of Massachusetts placed their son as far away as possible, and did nothing to help him when he was assaulted.
By sheer luck she discovered her son was injured when her and her husband daughter arrived for a surprise visit around Halloween in 2015 and discovered that he was bleeding from his ear and they called 911 and he was brought to the emergency room.
It was discovered that someone slapped him across the side of the head, blew out his eardrum and left a handprint bruise on the side of his face. The company that he was staying with, tried to cover it up and bleached the room before police arrived.
Beth tried to take her son home after that, she did her best to care for him on her own, but he had suffered too much trauma and had severe PTSD, and ultimately she was forced to allow the state to take him and shipped him off to a psych ward in New Hampshire, two hours away. Which instantly struck me as fucking odd and unnecessary, I just tried to kill myself 3 times and I was allowed to stay at local facilities and know from working in the system they had much more comforting accommodations for people who have been assaulted, than placing them hours away from their support systems.
This series of events was the final straw and ruined her marriage with Pat (I called him Patty-cakes. lol), he was nice enough, but he wasn't one to speak up. You could tell the system beat the fight out of him a long time ago. lol
I told her I felt like my marriage was destroyed by the state as well, my court issues ended up causing problems and I felt powerless to deal with them alone.
We wouldn't have ever met each other if it wasn't for a specific series of events, which the state of Massachusetts appeared to have profited off of and we both felt like it ruined our marriages. The state made dealing with our problems and communicating with others impossible. It caused our family members to ignore us, stressed our friends out to the point they stopped coming around.
The next day we made plans and went to the bridge of flowers in Shelburne Falls, MA.
It was a beautiful day and we wanted to find something to do, that allowed us to talk at the same time and I told her how beautiful the Bridge of Flowers looked and she seemed interested, so we spent the day together.
We stopped at the coffee shop and also Checked out the glacial potholes, though you're not allowed to walk near them anymore. (I did get to go swimming there and jump off the rocks, I think in 2005.)
On the way back, we were hoping to see a sunset overlooking North Adams, but it ended up being cloudy, so we didn’t have any luck.
After that, we became inseparable. lol I started sleeping over her apartment ever night, we started going to Best Fitness, a gym in Springfield, a few times a week and I was exhausted in a way that felt unnatural.
Even though my emotional state had leveled out, I was still having weird physical pain, and I thought it should have gone away. I was super open with Beth about all this and invited her to all my appointments, I loved that she showed interest in my life and actually paid attention.
Hampstead Hospital
We went to visit her son in the Psych-ward the very first week we met, Beth had wanted me to make sure I knew what she was getting into. She was always worried about her sons safety and well-being, she felt like it was her fault he was abused and constantly talked about it happening again.
I thought it was the greatest thing in the world when Beth said that I could speak on her son's behalf when addressing these issues. Magically people started to listen, I actually started doing their jobs. Shortly after this we met I got her son to go on his first outside visit at the hospital, I brought my nephew on that visit and Stephen was excited to use the swings, he was so happy, he's always loved the swings from what Beth said and it was something he used to do to calm himself and release energy in the past all the time.
The doctors and staff at these hospitals had the shittiest attitudes, the woman at the front desk seemed nice enough, but no one else would pay any attention to you while you're talking, you could tell they didn't give a fuck at all and I thought it was disgusting. I don't how doctors and medical professionals can find this acceptable, they must be heartless fucking bastards.
October
New Hampshire psych ward: Hampstead Hospital, what a shithole.
We would go visit her son every other weekend..
I loved these long drives, my body didn't like them, but I loved talking to Beth for the 4 hours, for a chatty guy like me, this was the perfect way to get o know someone.
When we first started visiting her son, I felt so bad for him. I knew the doctors weren't paying any attention to Stephen, he's non-verbal and was stuck with a group of 20 plus patients. It was like they were hoarding disabled people in that toilet.
One time Beth wanted me to look at the huge poop Stephen took lol She knows he needs prompting to use the bathroom and was worried staff wasn't taking him, assuming he knew how to care for himself.
Beth told me countless stories about how the Massachusetts Department of Developmental Services, the school system, and the doctors at Hampstead Hospital would just ignore her, they didn't provide her with any answers.
Beth told me many times that she had severe anxiety attacks about all of this, She'd have countless sleepless nights where she would wake up in a panic and felt responsible for all the abuse/neglect her son endured while in the care of the Massachusetts school system and the group home that she allowed him to go live at, so that he could experience some type of independence.
Scrappy
Scrappy was such an awesome dog, when I first met him he had some kind of separation anxiety, every time someone would leave the house, he would go crazy, barking and snarling like a wild animal. lol He'd get so crazy, I was worried he was gonna bite somebody one day, so I started yelling at him like I do Harley, then showering him with love and affection. lol I'd yell get over here, get over here now and at first he seemed confused and looked worried he was going to be punished, then he learned to come jump into my arms, and I'd shower him with love. lol
Harley would always run away barking, she doesn't care if I yell at her, she just ignores it, she doesn't want any love. Not Scrappy, would jump into your arms and totally give in, he loved to snuggle. lol I still yell at Harley, she gets an almost defiant looking smile on her face when she starts barking and me and yell, give me a hug, now... she thinks she's got a chance of getting away without a hug... not while my legs still work... lol
DD
Beth got a job at Dunkin Donuts up the street from her apartment, I remember that she was excited, but they always pressured her to work faster and faster, and she found the job belittling. lol
She ended up getting fired for being too slow or something stupid like that, I thought it was a shit job anyway, so I was happy she wasn't doing that anymore.
November
On random visits to Stephen we would also stopped at a shopping center off 495, they had a Cabela's there and one time they had a reptile show going on. It was so awesome, there was a 15 to 20 foot Python and at first I thought it was a statue or it was fake, but it was real and it was so cool. I've never got to touch a snake that huge before, I feel like the girth of it was like 25 to 30 inches. they had feed it, so it was really calm, but something about being around it felt like awe or amazement, it was a beautiful animal.
Thanksgiving
December
Beth fell and broke her wrist
Beth and I took Oli and Dom skating at Blunt park rink in Springfield.
We were playing tag, like Dom and I always do, racing around like a bunch of maniacs.
I felt so bad for her, when we're playing Tag, and Beth said that she knew how to ice skate and tried to keep up.
At one point she slipped, fell and it was bad, We ended up having to go to emergency room in PAL after dropping Dominic off
Ellie and Billy's
Hung out in garage, it was freezing, Dave and Steven, his mom, Ronny and Vera stopped over. Bob sprayed some nasty fake poop spray.
This picture below is a set of 8 butterflies in an acrylic case, there's a plaque in the middle and it says, "THE BEST AND MOST BEAUTIFUL THINGS IN THE WORLD CANNOT BE SEEN NOR TOUCHED... BUT ARE FELT IN THE HEART. HELEN KELLER"
When I talk about blowing smoke up people asses, it comes in all forms. lol I took Beth to Magic Wings Butterfly Conservatory in South Deerfield and I went on and on about how much I love little critters and want to have a yard full of bugs and little ground birds.
Christmas with Stephen in the Psych-ward
It sucked, Beth tried to make the best of this, Her mom Pam and step-dad Larry met us at the hospital and we hung around for about an hour.
I remember you could really tell how hard all of this was on her, especially seeing my family was never the supportive type, they were more interested in ignoring the problems around them, than addressing them. No one around us knew what it was like to have a son who was abused and then stuck in a mental health hospital hours away and then be forced to just accept it. If I hadn't worked in the system, I might not have thought it was such a serious problem, but since I've seen all the abuse and neglect that goes on in those hospitals first hand, I knew things were worse than she was aware of, she had every reason to worry about her son's safety and well-being while in their care.
Link to my Baystate Mental Health Records 2015-2016
Medications for the year.
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