2022
January
01-03 voicemail
https://youtu.be/g-W6vfbBYOw?feature=shared
01-06
I reached out to an old friend, we had dated back in 2008 and had kept in touch for a while after, but eventually stopped talking.
I was stuck at home, I didn’t know what to do with myself, so after I scrolling through Facebook, I decided to reach out to Melissa “Missy” Newman.
01-07 voicemail about going to Uno’s the next night.
https://youtu.be/TG5V1g0XRyo?feature=shared
01-08
This was the last time that I went out to dinner with my dad, Kathy, Dominic, and Sue are also there. I remember feeling very uncomfortable and I didn’t really know this day because of everything that was going on. It’s so hard trying to fake being happy, when you feel like shit. No one wanted to talk about what was going on with Beth, there was nothing to be done, so it was just ignored
01-22
I ended up inviting Missy to my brother’s house for both he and our dad’s birthday I remember feeling like I had a lot of anxiety that day. I remember trying to reintroduce my dad to Missy, since I thought he had met her a couple times while singing karaoke at the Rex in Chicopee 15 years earlier, like his memory is that good. lol but I remember I tried to get him to remember.
Shortly after this, my brother pulled me aside and asked me why I had brought Missy to the party and thought I was moving on too soon, and I told him I just wanted a friend.
Personally, I think he just liked being a dick and talking shit, I don’t think you actually care that I brought someone to the party, he always acted like he didn’t want me there anyway.
February
Looking back, I got back into a relationship too soon. I didn’t realize I was sick, even though I felt like there was something wrong, I don’t know what to do.
Unfortunately, I got right back into my old ways of acting when I’m sick, I got right back into a relationship, I needed someone there, and I didn’t know how to say no, so instead of just being friends, we took it a step further.
I thought I had to do something with my life right now, instead of just trying figuring out what’s going on, I felt alone.
. I didn’t have anyone to help me think or what was going on, I got some horrible speech about what a loser I was from my brother.
Officially started dating missy,
March
03-09 Dad voicemail
https://youtu.be/OGW0Dma7bpM?feature=shared
03-18
Found out my Thryroid levels were off. I should hsve known that something was amiss, but with all the stress I felt like I was under, there was no way for me to verify these types of things, without medical professionals help.
I got the soonest appointment I could at Riverbend/Trinity endocrinology, they no longer had a ddocter in Springfield and I was only able get an appointment to see someone in Chicopee.
Unfortunetly this Jerk thought it was a great idea to make me wai, he said he wanted to see if my thyroid would level off on it's own, and even though I didn't agree with him, I felt powerless to speak up, I remmeber thinking I didn't want him to think I was agressive. So I reluctantly went along with his recommendations and waited.
I felt better knowing I had identifed what was wrong with me, but I still felt terrible and was hoping to get my levels back to normal ASAP.
April
The 7th I had another pre-trial in Spencer at that school or whatever it was. This was the day that dick attorney Bank jabbed his finger in my face. I felt like I was being pressured by my father and brother to get answers and my dad was still waiting to talk to the investogator I told him banks was supposed to send over.
I told banks my dad and Sue were waiting to answer questions and I still wanted Oli questioned, since she was in her room when Beth was blocking me in the middle bedroom, I wanted a statement from her saying we weren't yelling, I wasn't threatening Beth or scaring her.
I still can't believe that dick had the nerve and poke his finger in my face, just for pointing out that he's not doing his job and he still hadn't given me a copy of the body camera footage. He was more concerned with why I kept talking after ooficers said I was being arrested, but I had nothing to hide so his questions just sounded confusing. I didn't want to sweep this under the rub, I wantes to talk about it with anyone that would listen.
I remember feeling grateful that Banks had fianlly asked for this money for the investigator. I felt so overwhelmed by my father and brother, I just want to start addressing these issues, instead of all these half measures.
04-03 Dad voicemail
I remember when I got this voicemail from my dad, I gave me all kinds of things I do because I didn’t have an answer, and he wanted to know what was going on.
May
05-08 Last voicemail from my Dad.
https://youtu.be/NxvbwJo8zDs?feature=shared
The last conversation I had with my dad was such a disaster. I was standing out in the backyard with Missy and I allowed her to listen to the phone call because I felt like no one ever listened to me when I was a witness to prove that I was not delusional.
I’m not sure if my dad knew at the time or suspected that he had cancer, but the discussion of whether I wanted to move back into the apartment next door or not had come back up.
He told me that I could have it, he wanted me to move back in, and he was willing to go to court to get Beth out, but I was happy that I was able to spend more time with Dom and told him that transportation was an issue, and even though my uncle Chet had given me money to put towards a car, I was worried about affording an apartment and maintaining a car on my own, I had shit tons of anxiety at the time, it felt it impossible. lol
Then I feel like he tried to twist things and give me a speech about how it sounded like I wanted him to buy me a car, and I tried to explain that my uncle Chad had given me money to buy a car and I hadn’t put it towards anything yet, so I wasn’t asking my dad for money for a car, but the conversation got twisted anyway.
I couldn’t handle talking to him after this, I told my mother and brother I needed a break from my father.
June
4th
I think it was my mother who told my dad was in hospital and that he had cancer, I was shocked. I don’t know who mentioned that I might not visit because I had been telling everyone that I needed space, but I didn’t feel like this was the time for grudges.
I didn't know what the hell to think. I had been avoiding him, all because he was asking questions about my court case and I didn't have any answers and I felt so stupid at the time.
I was still dwelling on that phone conversation that I let Missy listen to, I was still upset that it didn't go very well.
I wasn't going to go to the hospital, a part of me wanted to say no and be a jerk, but I knew I would regret it, I knew I was sick at this point and I wasn't thinking straight, so I went and he was asleep when I arrived.
I'm not sure how long I stood there watching him sleep, but I just let him rest, he looked peaceful and really didn't know what to say. I had so many things running through my head, but nothing seemed right.
When he woke, we didn't really speak about anything, There was so much going on at the time, I didn't know what we should talk about and I didn't know how to help. I only stayed 20-30 minutes and he was asleep for the majoraty of it. I still felt like we had time to mend things and reconnect, at this point, but I was struggling to deal with this. I knew I was sick and I was disgusted that I couldn't process what was going on around me correctly.
As I was leaving, he wanted to make sure that everything was all set with Beth, he was worried because he hadn't heard from the investigstor. I told him not to worry, that I was taking care of everything. But that's not honeslty how I felt. I still felt stupid that I didn't have answers for him and that attorney Banks was still being a dick.
A couple days after getting out of the hospital my father went down to Baystate oncology, I believe it's called, the cancer Center. my father and Sue went down there, and my brorher showed up, and remmber him telling me my dad was furious, I think my dad didn't want anyone to know how bad things were, the doctor told them that there was nothing he could do and I remember being devastated. I honestly thought we had six months or a year, my mind was racing and I was thinking of all the things that I had wanted to say to him and the things that I still wanted to do with him as family.
10th
I got news my Dad had fallen and was back in the hospital, he had fallen in the bathroom and wasn't looking good. I was devated and up all night listening to songs like Dreamer by Axwell, Something Unreal by The Script, Waterfalls by Death Cab for Cutie, The Touch by Stan Bush, The Neverending Story, The GI Joe Movie theme and none of the
I was trying as hard as I could to pump myself up, to try to feel like I normally feel, when I'm fucking healthy. I was going nuts sitting at home, waiting for news about my dad and felt powerless because the endocronoligist had me waiting to get back on my thryroid pill, just to "see if it levels out on it's own", which I didn't want to wait, but didn't want to sound hostile and didn;t have anyone to advocate for me.
11th
Luckily I was able to use my sister's car when I got Palmer Sue, My Brother, and his wife Erica were there and I'm not sure if they had a visitor limit, but I got to spend time alone with my dad.
This time I decided to open up, I felt like things were getting bad fast and being the kind of guy that loves to address things in the moment, instead of letting them go, I started asking him if there was anything else that he would like to do. I asked him if he wanted to see another sunset, I was willing carry them up a mountain at that point, even though I felt so sick and weak at that moment in time.
I remember talking to my dad about his vacation in Florida, he got to my uncle Mark, but he didn't get to see my uncle Mike and I remember that really bothered me.
I remember thinking this was madness, my doctors wouldn't prescibe me meds, my dad dying of csncer and I have this unrealistic sense of dread because of a chemcial imbalance. I felt so powerless and struggling to find the strength to be there for my dad, while he was dying.
Me being me, I let it out and started crying, I didn't want to pretend I didn't care. I was feeling like a train wreck, but thankfully i didn't feel empty like I did in past on psych-meds (2004-2005/2014-2016).
Though I think being sick cause me miss out on any extra time I could have had with him, I was so focused on holding it together and worried about what other people thought. I felt like I needed to put on an act.
I had watched the Jurassic World: Dominion, I thought it was a terrible movie, and I remember feeling so disappointed when My dad asked me how the movie was And I didn't know how to explain it, I didn't want to say anything negative, but I thought the movie was trash. lol
It broke my heart, it reminded me of going to see the first movie, just the two of us, it made me think that we're not gonna get to watch another Jurassic Park movie together again, he looked that bad.
This is going to drive ne nuts until the day I die and hopefully find out, lol, though I can't remember exactly what he said, I think it might have been about a coin, and it might have been upstairs, either way, he told me he had something for me at the house and I never got chance to find out what it was.
I've thought about what my Dad had set aside for me it ever since.
At times it gives me anxiety thinking about it. lol
What was it? lol
Did he think it was important or was it just as little momento? lol
12th
Thankfully my sister let me use her car and I was able to go visit him for hours, he looked so weak and frail and I felt like I was barely holding it together.
My brother showed up, Erica's Dad- Eric " Rick" Forni, Sue was there for minutes, but I got to spend lot of time alone with him that day and looking back, it was absolutely fucking bullshit, i think these hopsitals use these 2 and 1 person limits to mind fuck people. I always felt super fantastic when I got out of surgery and spent time with out people and my dad was rotting in a hopistal, being kept away from the bulk of his loved ones??? Who the fuck wants to die like that?
My Aunt Mary and came for a visit I believe, I can't remember who else Sue said.
I got to spend what felt like hours silence holding my dads hand.
I remember digging as deep as I could, trying to find all of the light inside of me and I willed myself to pass it on everything I had inside me, to my dad. If it was ever possible to cure someon with love, that would have been the moment.
His last smile.
Being the type of guy that never shuts up, I brought up the fact that my dad was going to be able to see my kids at a soccer game on Old Warren Road on the ride home, and I told him he'd be able to wave at the kids on his way home and he smiled, but you could tell he was barely conscious,
I knew there was no way that he was going to pay any attention to the kids on the ride home, through an ambulance window at that. lol
But a part of me hoped that he would see them, I don't know why I have these weird ideas. lol But I thought seeing them would give him strength, thought it would matter.
I had a story I shared with ChatGPT about my dad and other issues going on that year, but it can't find it, fucking trash. lol
13th
I had made plans to go visit my father that afternoon, but I ended up getting text from my brother that father had past, I was devastated. Sue had asked Still wanted to come over and see him, but I didn't want to see his dead body, I felt like my opportunity had passed, I was heartbroken.
I remember Sue telling me that my dad had grabbed the railing on the way in the house and had asked about me, looking back it was probably because I gave him so much anxiety all the crying and talking I did. lol It's even hard to write this now without crying and he's been gone almost 4 years. lol I still feel like I got screwed out of my time with him by my illnesses and the system.
Link to video played at my Dad’s wake.
https://youtu.be/erd-6QHC4mA?si=PEt7OA43eafKP2xH
some court stuff happened shortly after that and got pushed off. Then I had to threaten my doctor insurance company asking if they wanted me to hurt myself before they were gonna give me thyroid medication.
June 21 Quabbin
July
I met attorney Alex Bergo that summer, he didn’t help me. He jerked me around all year., I have some pictures of the phone call calls in the length of the time we talked so you can get an idea That these weren’t as quick conversations.
July 10 Skinner
July 24 Deerfield river with James
September 24 Rugged manic
October
10-16 the Notch
But I should get the audio from East Brookfield, I can show that that female judge said that I can’t handle the truth after I accused Attorney Banks of not doing his job any jabbed his finger in my face when I called him out on not doing the things he said he was going to do and he shook my hand and said he was gonna do them????
December
Medications for the year.
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