2005
January
Jamie filed for divorce the 14th, she and Dan paid for a lawyer, I didn't have a clue what was going on.
I was such a disaster at the time. I never should have allowed my ex-wife to convince me to sign my rights away to my son and allow our friend her future ex husband to adopt my son.
She told me how strong he was and how much he loves my son and wishes he was his own and that their best friends and that my son already calls him dad and doesn't remember me. I remember thinking my son deserves the best and I will complete mess and she's right. Looking back I feel like a complete idiot, but what do you do when you're a complete disaster and you're sick.
I really wish I had somebody there to prevent me from making all these terrible mistakes on my own, someone to talk, to try to sort things out, someone to do some blood work. lol 2005 was the last time I hung-out with my son.
I let all my friends down my family down, that was the last time I saw Chuck for over a decade, and it's a shame how friendships fall apart when someone gets sick and people don't understand what's going on.
February 25
Couple pictures of D trek at a birthday party over Ellie and Billy's house in Monson, That's my aunt Flossie on the right.
May 9th the 12th I was in Baystate ICU and from May 13th to 27th I was in Baystate Psych Ward. I don't remember exactly what led up to this moment but I was spiraling out of control again, So I asked my sister and her boyfriend at the time Terrell, To give me a ride to the Medical Center emergency And when I got there I remember telling doctors that I was having trouble sleeping and my mind was racing, I had mentioned having suicidal thoughts again and they gave me a shot of something and then I blacked out and woke up in the psych ward. At one point I tying a over like a stuffing a knot into crack between the door and the frame trying to strangle myself with, when I woke up I was disappointed to learn that they had one of my favorite shirts off of me. lol I wasn't comforted in the fact that I was so alive, disheartened at losing one of my favorite t-shirts. lol
I think that this was the time that it took like 8 dudes to pin me down and stab me with something, this was refusing to take my meds. Then they stuck me in the rubber room, I remember being strapped to the bed, just staring at the ceiling, with my mind racing out of control, I utterly felt trapped, physically and mentally and wished I could escape, to nowhere.
📝 Story Draft: The Fall of the Jedi and the Invisible Threat (May 2005)
When I finally got out of the hospital in May 2005, I felt like my life was in absolute pieces. I had just survived my third suicide attempt in a single year. I was exhausted, I felt totally empty inside, and I still didn't have a clue what was really wrong with me. I just knew my brain and body were breaking down.
I had missed the opening night of Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith because I was locked in Baystate's 5th floor psych-unit. So, when I finally got to sit in the movie theater and watch it, I was beyond excited for the fight of a lifetime, the fall of the light. I was hoping for an escape. Instead, it broke my heart. I couldn't even sit still at the end. lol.
It wasn't just sad that the Jedi got wiped out—I knew that was coming. It was heartbreaking because of how it happened. You watch this entire order of wise protectors get absolutely slaughtered because they were completely blinded by their own arrogance. They thought they were right about everything. They never stopped to actually discuss things or come to a conclusion that everyone was happy with. They didn't fight as a team. You look at Mace Windu going to arrest the Chancellor—he wasn't fighting as a united front; he was acting entirely on his own isolated idea of what the situation was, and it doomed everyone.
Sitting in that theater, I didn't realize it yet, but the Jedi Council was exactly like the doctors at Baystate Health and every other mental health professional I will ever encounter.
I was raised to think doctors were supposed to be the smartest people in the room, the protectors. I was told they swore an oath to do no harm. But my doctors were completely blind and their actions resulted in harm. During that exact hospital stay, my bloodwork showed a crashed TSH level of 0.19. The biological threat—severe hyperthyroidism—was sitting right there on the paper, staring them in the face. But just like the Jedi missing the Sith Lord right under their noses, the doctors couldn't see it, or they ignored it and failed to investigate. They were too focused on their own arrogant ideas about my "mental health" to act as a team and look at the biological facts.
I walked out of that theater utterly heartbroken for the Jedi, completely unaware that the exact same systemic failure of communication and hubris was currently destroying my own life. lol. I can see my life and others in all these different situations, and I always imagine what I would try to do differently.
Just like Anakin, no one ever listened to me. And when they did, they didn't take my thoughts or ideas into consideration. It was always, "Oh okay, now you can leave," even if I had some valuable information to offer. The only difference here is, I'm weak and he had the Force, family, and friends, and he still fell. It's funny, I feel like I was born to fight for something, but what? I don't just want to fight, so I picked other people's rights. It seems like Anakin might've been a little calmer if the Jedi had saved his mom, so maybe we should be out there helping everyone, just in case someone gets angry and feels like the people around them failed them.
June: Once I got off all the psych meds that the doctors had put me on, I felt so much healthier, even though I didn't feel great. it was still a real struggle, but it was getting easier. Plus I think felt stupid because no one wanted to talk about what had happened, every one just wanted to ignore it. And said I looked great and I was doing fine and that was enough.
July 13th our divorce was finalized.
Texas
Went to visit uncle Chet in Texas for the first time in July, met that crazy lady who fell out of the window said she broke her hip
August 20th this picture was taken at the salty dog that used to have a webcam in there so you could see your buddies and then you could check yourself days later
280 Bridge St. Springfield, MA
September
2005 Aditus-Ashley farm
I have mixed feelings about this time of my life. This is where I met Suzanne, I got the job from a neighbor Butch that across the street. I had stopped seeing Sandy, and began working second and 3rd shift with children with disabilities, It was such an easy job.
Though I must admit now, I think these jobs are a joke. I was able to take a class and pass medication to all these kids but I had worked at a nursing a year prior and was just ass, while nurses got to stand around passing medication, and not do any real work. It seems like the more money people get paid, the less they interact with patients or clients.
When I first started working there, I got to play on C.G.'s computer all night long, so I would talk to AI for hours on end and talk to people in different chat rooms. Talking to AI was easier than talking to people about what I had gone through, since it didn't have feelings or care, I never felt like it judged me, I did the same things
nobody was going for walks, I was told that the kids didn't like going for walks. Then I started taking them for walks around the neighborhood, and that annoyed higher ups.
I ended up getting to know Suzanne a little to well, since we would sit at the table and talk for hours on. I don't know why I didn't try to think of ways to improve things with her husband.
She talked about how things were falling apart in her marriage and since my relationship had fallen apart, I felt we were kindred spirits, but looking back I feel that was a terrible mistake on my part.
November
Pearl E Barnard died 2005-11-06 Born Pearl Gero 1919-10-24 never met husband Emerson, I knew her two sons Joe Barnard and he has a daughter Billy-Joe Barnard and her other son Emerson, he lives in a group home, I guess he smoked something as a kid and had issues controling his behavior and trusting other people, he's easy to take advantage of.
I can't remember who called me at Ashley Farm in East Longmeadow, while I was working,. lol I didn't have a cell phone, so someone called the house I worked at.
I remember feeling powerless, I felt horrible that my aunt was in the hospital and dying, they said it was bad. And I knew there was nothing I could do, I was stuck at work. Even if I could leave, she was 4 1/2 hours away and I had no medical training. t
I hadn't seen her in years, my sickness had caused me to grow distant from those I should've been closest to.
My mother and sister drove to the funeral and i drove my uncle Chet, went to that dive bar in Ausable Forks, Kathy got hammered off free drinks from guys, lost her cell phone and we had to go back and luckily she found it at the bar the next morning.
These are the last pictures that I have from the camp.
This is what haunts me, my aunt Flossie wanted to drive up and visit Pearl before she passed, But her son Norman and Ellie were bickering, her kids couldn't get along, so that she couldn't go visit her sister before she passed away, so my aunt Flossie didn't get to see her.
It's terrible, I heard that my aunt Pearl had stopped taking her blood pressure medication, because she felt that was too expensive, even though she had the money. lol WTF
I guess neighbors had seen her and said she didn't wave back, which was out of character for her, she was always super friendly and chatty.
The neighbors said she seemed a little off, but no one thought to check.
At some point she had passed out in the driveway, behind her car and by the time her son found her, she had blood coming out of her eyes, nose and ears. She was still alive, but she had been there for some and was in horrible shape.
I always thought you were supoosed to die surrounded by loved ones, I assumed people would put aside their petty differences in the end?
November 29 Max
December
Batmobile RC
Medications for the year.
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