Work in Progress
2015
January
Madness was in full swing and I had went with the vasectomy reversal that Laure and I had been talking, I remember the Ride there, I remember feeling super uncomfortable and I didn't understand why I was doing this, I hadn't even figured out what was wrong with myself and now here I was thinking about bringing a child into this world
after a couple months of talking with Laura's parents, They paid the $5000 for a Dr to reverse my vasectomy.
It's funny that I remember driving there and I remember the surgery, but I don't remember if Laura was with me, I know no one was wasn't allowed in the surgery room but if she was there, I can't remember. lol
The doctor had a lab assistant to help, she just stood there for the most part, I assume she was on hand on case the doctor misplaced a tool, since he wore a set of microscopic spectacles on his head. I remember feeling slightly uncomfortable situation. It's kind of weird to have your testicles exposed, with people standing around, and one dudes poking at them and the other is just watching.
Sometime in February I used a drill, a test tube and some wire, I spun down sample, used my microscope and tested for semen and I found some, I was excited, but I also felt off. looking back I assume it was my thyroid or maybe it was all the things I was going through at the time, But I remember feeling uncomfortable and uneasy, along with excited that I found sperm and that the surgery worked.
In the summer before I actually tried to kill myself, I did go to Baystate emergency room in Springfield, Laura had brought me, and they let me go the same night, they didn't keep me, if they did do any blood work, i left before getting the results.
Once again I felt like no one took me seriously. I'm not sure if I mentioned this, but Laura was a medical assistant at the time, I felt like an idiot trying to explain what was wrong with me and I thought that she should know. she told me she talked with the doctors at her own practice, where she worked, And it's funny because I think that she neglected to tell the doctors at her office that I was also suffering from erectile dysfunction, I'm not sure if having that information would have helped anybody discover my issues earlier or if doctors just aren't trained to put all the pieces together, but I'm sure that wasn't a symptom she was excited talking about. lol
I put that poor woman through so much shit, and I didn't mean to, but I am the one that did. from my health issues, to my court issues, to my shitty attitude and the insecurities I was feeling at the time, she probably never had a clue who she was dealing with.
I laugh about this stuff, but I felt like a complete fucking idiot sitting room alone in the psych area of the emergency room with my wife waiting outside, I honestly feel like those doctors and nurses did absolutely fucking nothing.
I'm also curious if I made Laura feel bad for not knowing or if I gave her shit for not being able to figure out what was wrong with me.
I can just imagine how she felt, we were living in my mother's basement, I didn't have a job, I went from Mr Motivation, to- there's something fucking wrong with this guy and he can act like a real fucking jerk at times too.
Attorneys John Nolan and Elaine Pourinski both agreed that my evidence was
more than enough to clear my name of any wrong doing. attorney Nolan told me had to excuse himself because of his friendship with ADA Katherine Johnston and it being a case she was involved in.
Attorney Pourinski even had an investigator corroborate everything I'd said in my previous statements, this guy came to a couple of our meetings in a 2015, I remembered him from Planet Fitness and I'd seen him doing secuirty at local events.
I know this guy did his job and double check everything I said cause he even questioned me as to why i paid for the window, while we were all in her office. I felt like a fucking idiot for paying "higher" price for a window that was never paid for in the first place.
I told them that on 5-19-2014 Edward Kavari told me since the shop manager won't give me copies or write a statement,
about the window( because he was worried he'd never get paid for it), he suggested that i should pay for it,
then no one can argue restitution, because there is none. i also told ADA Kavari about the ombudsman Judy saying
that i can call while in the court room and she'll just tell Judge Hadley himself that Kishana's r5 was accessed
1-16-2013 at 2:49 and she can name the officer, that way i won't break any privacy
laws, even though there's nothing private about it. it's just an officer name a time and a license plate number.
I never got to talk to Mr Kavari after i was able to save enough to pay for the
window, i wasn't able to inform Kavari or ADA Johnston when i returned to court on 6-13-2014 when i was finally
able to afford what i thought was $311.51, that the receipt was also a fake.
the investigator was able to confirm that $245.94 was the amount submitted to the insurance company.
The investigator even confirmed that i went back to the window repair company and annoyed the
manager after discovering the fake receipt and different total. ( at this point i was unaware of the fake court order,
and even when i first received the forgery court date, i thought it was because i found out someone altered my
notarized statement deleting pages and electronically forging my signature. so i kept looking for more evidence to prove
Kishana and the officers were hiding something. i reported my statement being altered to John Gay 5-22-2014, my
file had been missing for some time at this point, i kept trying to get audio of judge Hadley telling
me my jury had been sent home by accident,
so i was regularly calling the court house and asking Paul in the office if he had any luck finding that part of the audio
from the day of my trial or if judge Hadley's ruling had come back on my motion for new trial)
I went down to the court house 6-13-2014 after paying for the window with all the paperwork
the manager gave me and a statement he wrote stating Kishana never returned to pay for the
window and didn't have insurance at the time of the accident.
I tried to talk to ADA Edward Kavari or Katherine Johnston, I wanted to show
someone in the ADA's office what i had found, but they both unavailable.
this time while i was there, I was able to obtain a photo of the original receipt, someone in the office finally
let me see physically the receipt on the counter ( instead of just telling me about it as had been the case for a year),
but they still didn't feel safe giving me a physical copy.
In the photo you can see the fake receipt has a red paid for stamp and a date. at this point i know everyone at the court house heard
me run my mouth as to what i had discovered. so of course i
wanted to know why the amount on the receipt the auto glass guy gave me and the one that ADA Katherine presented to
Judge Hadley was different than the one i had just paid for.
so I went back the net day because the manager wasn't in the shop when i drove by.
Needless to say, i probably didn't sound very polite when i asked why he gave Kishana a paid for receipt
if she didn't pay for it, i wanted to know why he increased the amount of her receipt and . I'm pretty sure
this is where i wore out my welcome. the Auto glass guy said he never gave me a price, i only asked if she
paid for it and if i could pay for it and then ran off after i paid for it before he could say anything.
he told me he already deposited it and aske me to leave. i tried to get him to write another statement and
he kindly told me he was a religious man and thought i needed to let this go. that was the last i spoke with him
The investigator even confirmed no one went back to the window company to ask about or pay for the window
after i reported it down at the court house.
i believe those superior court judges, their prosecutor and my appointment attorney Elaine Pourinski
showed depraved indifference to my plight.
they all took advantage of the fact that i was in and out of the hospital for multiple suicide attempts.
My health took a turn for the worst the end of sept 2015, i started to grow breasts from the medication i was given
by drs, i still hadn't been diagnosed with hyperthyroidism at this point. i was taking medication for issues i was
misdiagnosed with, then i spent time in the psych ward for a suicide attempt from cutting myself.
during this rough time my attorney Elaine Pourinski said the prosecutor made an offer of a CWOF and that if i accept
this, my previous guilty finding would be changed to a CWOF as well and since it was over a year, would
automatically be off my record. but I had to agree not to present the window receipt against Kishana
and not to pursue any civil actions against any officers involved. i agreed due to my health issues.
December 2015 i again suffered some sort of nervous breakdown for no reason and attempted suicide again by swallowing
hundreds upon hundreds of all the depression/bipolar medication that I was prescribed at the time. i have very little memory of
my time in the psych ward this time, next thing i remember it's Christmas eve and I'm no longer in the psych ward.
12 days later Jan 5-2016 rolls around and the judge doesn't agree to the terms of the CWOF.
I still wanted to fight the charge and was still willing, then Jan 19-2016 i suffer another
mental break down for no apparent reason. i can recall putting a bed against the door and then trying
to strangle myself with a sheet wrapped twisted around my neck as tight as i could
get it, i leave the psych ward Jan 25-2016, i had another meeting with my
attorney Elaine Pourinski before my trial date of Feb. 5-2016 11 days later. before this meeting, in the hallway
outside her office in Northampton, an older white male placed a hammerless revolver to my forehead and warned me
not to move forward with my evidence. i was told to plead guilty.
I informed my attorney after the incident and she said there was nothing she could do to help me, i was
still stubborn and wanted to fight the charges and she kept telling me how afraid she was not
just for herself and her family, but for my safety and my families.
i didn't want to plead guilty, i was made to feel i had to plead guilty, that i didn't have a
choice. i was told by my attorney the first judge knew about the fake receipt Kishana supposedly
produced and about the police tampering with their reports,
which the state police also proved for me. i felt so sick and didn't have anything in me after this last psych
ward stay, less than 2 weeks earlier and with the thought of having that gun to my head so fresh in my sick mind.
i plead guilty.
come to find out, i had undiagnosed hyperthyroidism all my life. blood test from Jan 2016 -march 2016 can confirm
even when i tried to kill myself back in 2005 can be tied to
an episode of severe reaction to hyperthyroidism and a past blood test that was over looked proves it.
since i was on workers comp at the time of the accident and
for a short time after my first trial 2013,
i was able to get a closed period disability payment for the time that i called to sign up for, this was right after i got
off of workers comp.
then i discovered the reason for officers Sheehan's comment about my tightening up while being arrested,after being forced to stand around for over half hour in the cold with improper attire.
it turns out i have a untreatable, incurable genetic skeletal muscle disorder, not only was i right about having a problem, it was even worse than i could've imagined.
i tried to keep working after that, but kept needing surgeries and couldn't take time off, i had to work with casts on.
i got sick physically from all of that and filed for permanent disability and wasn't even allowed to complain about all my issues and they
cold kill me, before the judge stopped me and told me not to worry about it and i would be getting permanent disability.
I don't remember exactly when I started going to therapy as I'm talking about this, but they had me seeing an Indian woman- Radha Adhikari , and I remember having absolutely nothing in common with her. I was bombarding her with all of my thoughts and feelings and interpretations of the problems that I was going through and I could tell that she was not up to the task. Unfortunately that reminds me of all the other therapists I've seen in the past, they were all incapable of putting these pieces together, they either lacked the context and medical records, or they're were motivated to think of a way for someone to figure things out. My prescriber at the time, an older gentleman, he had a neck brace on during all our visits and constantly talked about the pain he was in, and I don't believe that he ever really paid attention to what I was saying or my medical records, and it makes me wonder how many other people have slipped through the cracks, because of overworked and injured employees still working, when they should be home recovering. Or someone should come up with a away for doctors to double check their work, a type of computer system that could monitor these types of errors and mistakes and oversights. to help healers protect their patients. Maybe they'll design something like that one day.
Baystate ER
Before the first of 3 suicide attempts in a 4 month period, I went to the emergency room at Baystate in Springfield,
I don't feel like they helped me at all, I felt like a complete fool,
then they just sent me home after sitting alone in a room for hours like an idiot.
I wanted to add these notes from when I went to BHN for mental health services.
https://rickymedicalfile.blogspot.com/2025/06/2014-2015-behavioral-health-network.html
After posting these TSH results below, I'm curious how close I was to discovering my thyroid issue October 6th 2011, since I have a .59 level collected. I'm surprised that no doctors had ever mention that my "fluctuating" thyroid could be an issue throughout this entire ordeal.
TSH CASCADE
January 5, 2024
Trinity Health Of New England
TSH CASCADE
1.65 ulU/ml
IN RANGE
0.4 - 4
Collected
October 25, 2021
Trinity Health Of New England
TSH CASCADE
0.62 ulU/ml
IN RANGE
0.4 - 4
Collected
October 30, 2015
Trinity Health Of New England
TSH CASCADE
0.33 ulU/ml
Collected
TSH
All Data
All - Out of Range
August 5, 2015
Trinity Health Of New England
TSH
0.91 mlU/ml
Collected
July 17, 2012
Trinity Health Of New England
TSH
1.06 mlu/ml
Collected
October 6, 2011
Trinity Health Of New England
TSH
0.59 mlU/ml
Collected
TSH CASCADE
Collected Oct 30, 2015 at 2:45 PM
Value-
0.33 ulU/ml
Status-
Final
Interpretation-
Low
Alternate Names
FHIR Source Text
TSH CASCADE
Data Source
Trinity Health Of New England
MyChart
MR. Ricky L Stebbins Jr, October 8, 1978
(47 years old)
FHIR Source Data
==========================================
Summer
Laura and I were going to Gil's at the K Mart Plaza in and I felt so weak and pathetic, I couldn't understand what the hell was going on and it was driving me absolutely insane. I went from being able to bench 275lbs no problem, to having trouble benching the 45 pound bar, just once. I used to sit in their sauna and feel like I was a panic attack.
At that point, nothing I did made me feel better at all.
September
I had been filling out Applications for months, and I wasn't getting any calls back come I was applying for any job under the sun and then I thought to reapply for one of my old jobs at Advantage Sales and Marketing and thankfully my old boss Vinny hired me back, even though I had stopped working there because I was injured at work, I never ended getting a settlement or tried to blame the company for my injury.
I started working again in September, I thought it would give me something structured and familiar to focus on, while I was dealing with this court stuff. And even though things were financially looking up in my life, there were so many other problems to deal with all at once, that I just began to unravel.
It sucked at first, I worked on Bob Picard's team, he was such a jerk. lol He was never mean to me, but he was mean to so many other people, and all he did was sit around, because he had a bad knee.
I found this work easy, but I also thought it was pointless, just resetting objects on a shelf, all because came out with a new item in the packaging size is a little different. lol
I worked with a lot of great guys and I used to talk about bodybuilding competitions and world's strongest man all the time and I even saw him at the gym a few times, when I went to best fitness.
I worked with another older man Ralph, I had randomly met one of his granddaughters at Mingles in 2010, such a small world, him and I had gone out to lunch a couple times, we were just random nonsense, nothing important, Enjoying each other's company.
======================================
September I noticed breast tissue forming , How much are the doctors and they told me my testosterone levels were off, so I started taking some injectable supplement, I can't remember what it is at the moment, they sent me a sharps container and I started sticking myself, but it didn't help me feel any better, I still felt like complete fucking garbage.
My health took a turn for the worst at the beginning of September, then I started to grow breasts from the medication I was prescribed for low (something lol) and perhaps a combination of all the unnecessary medications I was suckered into taking.
On the 30th of September, I remember getting home before Laura, I'm not if I had been starting fights with her all day or if I just surprised her, but I sent her some sort of goodbye, I'm about to hurt myself message, I got naked, started running the hot water,. then I sliced a 2 1/2 inch gash, parallel with my radius and ulna, down my left forearm.
I started closer to my elbow between those two big veins that you can see when you hold your palm up, I inserted the blade, then drew it towards my wrist, I stopped when blood started gushing, then I laid in the shower, thinking the hot water would open up my blood vessels and I'd bleed out faster. I don't recall drinking or doing anything to thin my blood out, though I might have. I was also on a few different medications at the time, so I'm not sure exactly what I did to myself.
I had a scalpel from medical assisting school, so it was quick and relatively painless. Needless to say, that didn't work. Police and medical personnel arrived and I felt like a fracking idiot. I was brought to Mary Lane Hospital in Ware. While there I tried to explain to doctors and nurses that I had been having trouble sleeping, I would have anxiety, I was feeling super weak, I was having erectile dysfunction and I felt like my life was falling apart and I couldn't explain what was wrong with me, I told them that I didn't feel like this in the past.
I remember hearing that Laura went over to tell my father I was in the hospital and she confessed to him that she had cheated on me. Then she drove with him to come visit me, I feel like a piece of shit, because Laura had nothing to do with why I actually tried to hurt myself. She stayed by my side at Mary Lane, She also made the 30 plus minute drive and spent time with me at Noble hospital in Westfield.
I don't remember much about this hospital, I wasn't super social with anyone here. I recall that they had desktop computers, so patients could communicate with the outside world and I wrote Laura and harassed her while I was in the hospital, and she still came to visit me. lol
Over the years, the scar has spread, so now it looks like a vagina. lol I found that kind of amusing, and I thought about getting a tattoo to cover it up, then I thought, why would I want to hide that? I'm not ashamed of what happened, I want to talk about it, so that it never happens ever again.
I was barely holding it together after getting out of the hospital, and I remember going next door and talking with my dad, he went on and on about how I should forgive Laura for what she did and kept talking about all she's done for me. I feel like this comments totally derailed any chance of a productive conversation. Then when he asked me to explain my job, he felt the need to say that a trained monkey could do my job. lol I felt lucky to even have a job and felt super low energy, At that point I needed and would/'ve loved to have a monkey to help me get through life, maybe a monkey would care? lol
I don't remember anybody at work bringing it up, so there is no stress or embarrassment there. It's obvious my boss Vinny knew, but I'm not sure what he knew exactly, I don't think anyone told him exactly why I was in the hospital, he never asked too many questions, knowing me, I probably would have told him everything. lol
December
During this shat time my attorney Elaine Pourinski contacted me and said the prosecutor made an offer of a CWOF and that if I accept this offer, my previous guilty finding would be changed to a CWOF as well and since it was over a year, it would automatically be off my record. but I had to agree not to present the window receipt against Kishana and not to pursue any civil actions against any officers involved. I agreed due to my health issues and the fact that I would be able to use my medical assisting schooling after this is off my record, since I wasn't even able to volunteer because of the felony.
December 19-24
I tried to commit suicide again on December 19th from what records show. My sense of time is warped, so much happened so fast, it seems like things happened over weeks, but it was days. and this time the doctors just released me and didn't even keep me for the full three days.
Even though I got my thyroid results back and was excited to finally have an answer, I couldn't get any doctors to do anything about it and they never told me how thyroid issues could effect me or how the medications I was taking could interact with my thyroid, so I still didn't have a solution.
I remember that Laura had made plans to go out with her friend Erin and I was already feeling super anxious and insecure about myself, then I started giving her crap about going out. Then I got the bright idea They just swallow all of my pills and then go lay down, I'm not sure if I got back up and started arguing with her or what had happened, but at one point she noticed I had taken all of that medication, but I was able to convince her to allow me to sleep it off. I remember her telling me that I was breathing very shallow and she was worried that I was gonna stop breathing. Someone took me to the hospital in the morning, I assume it was Laura but I don't remember right now, I remember being told that we watched Sons of Anarchy while I was in some recovery area, before I was sent to the psych ward, but these timelines just seem so unreal. I spent like 4-5 days in the recovery area and 1-2 days in the psych-ward. The thing that gets me the most is, I was advocating hard for myself at this point, I knew something felt very wrong,
this time I attempted suicide by swallowing hundred upon hundreds of all the depression/bipolar medication I was prescribed.
The doctor was super dismissive of me and tried to make me feel like I was being aggressive when I was advocating for myself and trying to explain that this isn't how I normally feel or respond to anything. I tried explain my past events, but he didn't actually listen or ask questions to help me understand anything that was going on, he just wanted to drug me and release me.
This was a quick trip in and out of the psych-ward.
I felt like such a fool going to Laura's Parents House in East Longmeadow for Christmas after leaving the hospital for the second time in as many months. I remember she was upset that I didn't get her anything for Christmas, but I was such a disaster, not that that's any excuse, I could have made her a card, but it felt like such an impossible task.
I can't remember exactly when this happened, but it was after I tried to hurt myself the first time or maybe the second time, But Laura had gone out drinking with her cousins and then needed a ride home. We lived in West Warren at the time and her cousins lived in Springfield, over the McDonald's on Allen St and Bicentennial Hwy. So I drove to Springfield to picked her up and it was a disaster right from the start. She was opening the door and threatening to jump out, she was very upset with all the shit I put her through. I find it odd that at times like this I'm totally calm and I don't have any anxiety at all and I also knew she was drunk, so there was no sense in trying reason with her.
Once we got back to the house she calmed down, took a shower and then laid in bed. I'm not sure how long we laid in bed for, but she decided to let me have it again, she decided I hadn't heard enough yet. lol I felt totally embarrassed at this point and had hoped that father and his girlfriend Sue didn't hear us fighting. At one point are arguing ended up downstairs in the living room and Laura picked up a weight I was going to smash the TV so I grabbed it from her and then she tried to grab it back, and then I held her still for a moment and didn't say anything, That seemed to totally freak her out and she was screaming and I believe this is the first time I remember anyone ever mentioning calling an Uber and I wasn't even sure what she meant by it and how someone was going to pick her up and bring her drunk ass to her car and then let her drive drunk back home, I don't know what she was thinking. I wonder if when I'm having these anxiety and panic attacks, if having someone to engage with helps ease all of those symptoms, because dealing with that situation gave me something to focus on other than unrealistic feelings that I was having. I don't mean that it helps me think straight or understand the situations any better, but I don't panic as much and I don't worry as much when I have a problem I think I can fix or address in the moment.
Link to BHN mental health records for 2014-2015
https://rickystebbins78.blogspot.com/2025/06/2014-2015-behavioral-health-network.html
Link to Bay State Mental Health Records 2015-2016
https://rickystebbins78.blogspot.com/2025/06/2015-2016-bay-state-medical-records.html
Medications for the year.
2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009,
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