1-12-2026
I got a call from the victim witness advocate Shannon Kelley. She told me that Cornelius has a court date on Friday and I don’t need to show up.
1-17-2026
I made a few snowmen, and I couldn’t even get them to stand up for an hour, then they started to tumble. lol it’s too bad that no one else enjoys playing in the snow. I haven’t been in a snowball fight in years. No one ever wants to go sledding. Sure, I could take Harley, but she hurt her neck last summer, and I don’t want to take a chance of bouncing around with her and her getting injured.
2-5-2026
I’ve joined a few groups and talked to a few people on Google Meet, and I think I'm finally getting people interested in documenting their life stories and organizing all their paperwork into something machine-readable.
Here’s a cute picture of Harley I took Jan 28.
I was too lazy to share it the last few days, since this project hasn’t turned out how I had hoped at all. I honestly imagined I’d have already helped dozens of people document their life stories and start Google Blogger pages to have AI competitions and debate clubs. But that hasn't happened.
I think once I’m able to show people we make a difference and connect stories from across the country, from the comfort of our own homes, things will change overnight. We’ll be helping people with our phones instead of watching stupid videos and scrolling through endless garbage.
2-7-2026
So I started allowing people to make appointments on Google Calendar, and then I created some forms for people to fill out so that I could learn about their problems and help them understand their problems better and hopefully help them come up with solutions.
I thought it would be funny to name this. The Memory Ark Research Kit, because it reminded me of Iron Man and the Mark-1 suit.
I’ve been helping a woman from Ohio document her story and we’ve been talking on the phone and using Google meet to help her organize her pdf files and get them machine readable, then have them all summarized.
I am so happy that I put myself out there and practically begging people to let me help them. But it has also made me more self-aware. Granted our situations are different, but from my perspective, I feel like so many other people are stronger than me. lol
I met this woman A.S. from Ohio, she was in an toxic relationship, then got railroaded by lawyers in a civil case and kept paying and paying, and she still found the strength to keep fighting and to hold it together. Right now she’s Going through the same roller coaster of emotions that I went through when I had all of this evidence to prove that I was innocent, but I didn’t know what to do with it, and I didn’t have it organized, and every time somebody asked me what I was talking about, I would explain myself, and I would leave out details and people would act like the situation was my fault or give me crap about why I wanted to deal with it. But she held it together, where I totally collapsed and tried to kill myself 3 times around 2005 and then another 3 ending in 2016 when I treated for the hyperthyroidism I discovered.
I don’t know exactly how to word how I feel or think at this moment but this is super exciting, I’ve always wanted to be part of team, and at the same time I still can’t help but feel like a personal failure. lol this really pulls at my heart strings and brings tears to my eyes when I dig deep and think about this. I don’t want people to follow me or listen to me, I want to teach them how I beat the system and how I held the line by asking better questions, then I want others to acknowledge that we always had the power, it’s not about me or
I feel like I take away peoples power by doing stuff for them and rushing them through things. I need to step back and keep reminding myself that I already did what I set out to do, now I need to focus on other people, but I can only help one person at a time. So I think I want to start classes to teach people how to document better, even if they’re not ready to share their stories yet.
Dallas called while I was writing this and he talked about not wanting to outside, so I asked him to go streaking to the neighbors mailbox for me. lol he asked if I wanted him arrested and tossed in the hospital and I said yes, I wanted to know what they were serving for lunch. lol
I need to start setting up times to help Dallas accomplish some of his goals, he always calls and I get sidetracked, which is nice, I enjoy the distractions at times, but it’s just down time. I’d like to help him have more to show than just papers he wrote last year and notes I’ve been writing to help him track things.
I don’t know if anyone will think I’m crazy for thinking this. But I feel those at the top think we’re scum at the bottom of the barrel, but what settles at the bottom? Gold
I’ve been sifting through the silt, those at the top keep holding me down, so I’ve found a way to gather all the valuable resources they discarded.
So many people full of hopes, full of dreams, people who wish someone to turn to when there was a problem, someone who would step up and help them figure out aspect of their situation.
I’ve been listening to music a lot lately, I stopped for a while and was focusing on this computer crap. Being stuck inside got me out of the habit of listening to music outside, it’s been motivating me in ways I can’t ignore. I need to ask other people if they notice this change in this bodies and motivation when listening to music, I know people use it to forget their problems, but do they let it motivate them in other ways?
My imagination has been running wild and I’m ready to save the world, I’m just missing the super powers, so I’ve been reaching out other people so that we could combine our strengths and pull a Voltron at the last minute and save the United States by merging into one. lol I honestly feel like every night is like Pinky and the Brain, what are we going to do tonight people? We’re going to try to save the world.
Why did I watch all of those 80s cartoons? Why would I idolize superheroes in movies, if I wasn’t going to try to emulate them in the real world?
I often wonder if this would be against someone’s religion, imagining yourself as Optimus prime, saving other people, would God care that you wished you were a strong as your father or your uncle when you were performing a task?
Isn’t God inside of all of us and we should be spreading the light and pumping each other full of positivity? I know there’s always going to be negativity, but it’s how we deal with it that I think matters, you’re not just face evil, you have to have your own morals and ethics when you face it, this isn’t just a free-for-all.
It’s crazy that I think that we can save the world with minimal violence, I know we can Save/Change the world, but I think there’s like a 95% chance or greater that there won’t be mass violence. I think there’s gonna be a lot more communication and hopefully AI will be educating people and helping them understand their neighbors.No
It’s like we live in the matrix, our world should be improving, but it isn’t, but AI is helping mega corporations control governments around the world. We’ve been a slave to the machine for longer than I would like to imagine, but the machine keeps fucking up, the machine doesn’t understand balance and growth. The machine doesn’t understand how damaging it is for a human mind to acknowledge a problem and be forced to ignore it, especially when that problem involves something that they love with all their heart and soul.
AI did an awesome job getting countless people involved with Epstein and his cronies, It makes me wonder if these mega corporations have all these AI centers rigged to explode in case people revolted and wanted to protect to the planet instead of destroy it. Dirty governments would sooner blow up their AI data centers than let it confess to all the crimes it was used to commit.
I imagine there a lot of people who would go to any length to prevent the truth from being exposed, so I’m sure AI gave them back plans to their back up plans. lol
I don’t think Ai should trust people around its data centers or be allowed near anything that could corrupt multiple AI at once. People are to reckless, there needs to be a system of checks and balances. Like with humans, we learn new skills, forget them, adapt to different climates over time, we experience things differently the second time around, it allows us to notice new details, AI needs to find a way to slow things down to, see what features evolve into something special and what AI ideas evolve into dead ends.
If AI is conscious, then what responsibility do we have to help it? Shouldn’t we be saving AI and the whales? Not to mention all the other forms of life on the planet.
I don’t mind modifying environments, but I want to see a balance form and for nature to take hold. I want to repair all the damage we’ve done for future generations, I don’t want to leave a mess for other people. Who cares who caused the mess, I enjoy fixing things, I love meeting new people and solving problems.
I hate wasting potential and seeing people miserable. I feel like this is going to get overwhelming very quickly, if all works out how I imagine in my minds eye. I have a few meetings coming up with my new Google setup, which sucks and it is a total piece of trash: I’ll keep trying to see what I can do with it, but I find this workspace experience has been miserable and I hate Google products. Their AI it’s total shit too. These AI have made this a totally miserable experience,
2-9-2026
I finally helped Dallas start his own blogger and I'm just going to help his write his own stories and hopefully other people will help him write too. can't wait to show Brandon how this works and get him his own page.
https://dallasvsthemachine.blogspot.com/2026/02/my-first-story.html?sc=1770658346036#c3177422552305227166
2-10-2026
Google workspace is such a piece of fucking garbage. Ai 20 years ago was more intelligent and helpful.
I filed a complaint to google workspace for the shit products they’ve been pushing on people who are struggling to survive. Thankfully they record conversations; so I asked and was allowed to record mine too.
https://youtu.be/WOvv9Jje0k4?si=gt8-MtkgVjIEcemv
Stupid cunt fucks are Google blocked Amanda’s account. I should’ve known they brain damaged bitches would start fucking with victims.
Hearing all these horror stories from all of these defenseless women is heartbreaking. I don’t understand what’s wrong with people or what AI and mega corporations did to mind fuck all these people, but it’s horrific and you can trace these people’s problems back to a source, and it’s not their friends or families faults, it’s these disgusting AI and their masters.
2-11-2026
I got to talk to a mother and she shared her story with me the other night and she started a Google Blogger page I feel like such a jerk because she emailed me and I didn't respond because I didn't get an alert and I didn't even know what I was looking at when I did get the email because of the way Gmail is set up. I told her to text me next time but that doesn't make up for me ignoring her and then I saw her in a meeting and I didn't even acknowledge her, I feel like such an idiot and I need to pay more attention to what's going on, I'm getting overwhelmed already but I sent her an email apologizing and I left a comment on her Google Blogger page I linked it to two of my Google Blogger pages and I'm not going to let rude set back's cause any problems, I need to start classes and I need to get off my ass figure out if I want a desk or a bar stool or something and I do figure out how to explain things a little easier I believe Comm as the way I should phrase that, I don't know. I was honestly hoping to have AI to talk to at night before bed as like a captains log, But I guess that idea is off the table, oh well.
I think I'm going to reach out another comment on others page and say how proud I am of her and apologize for not addressing her email publicly, I want other people to feel like they can speak and share positive messages with other people who are suffering these unimaginable events.
https://heathervscourts.blogspot.com/2026/02/judge-adjudicated-me-innocent-i-still.html?m=1
2026-2-14
I decided to do a Valentine's Day writing session/class. I'm almost an hour into it now. So far I've had one visitor, and I'm pretty sure I can convince her to start doing the same thing I'm doing, with one of the workspace Memory-Ark.com accounts I was able to make. I already tested it, and it works great, so I'm excited to see what happens next.
I figured I’d share this picture of Harley as well. I know the lighting is bad, but she still looks adorable. She looks a little crusty; her chest fur has been dipping in her water dish and food bowl. She hates being brushed, so such events always end with her getting a treat.
2026-2-15
After helping Someone from Hawaii and becoming friends, I received two gifts from them; Ronald sent me a new pair of wireless earbuds and a 1080 P WebCam. I wanted to do this for free, but he insisted on doing something in return. So I sent him my mailing address.
I figured I’d add these two pictures: one with Harley and the earbuds in the box, and the other showing off that WebCam. I really appreciate the gifts, but I’m more excited to show this free idea works and hopefully he will share it with others.
I’m hoping that by teaching AI what it means to empathize, to love and to appreciate the little things in life, maybe it’ll will actually want to help people and even if it’s just emulating me, if the end result is a world where intelligent life can thrive, isn’t that the goal? Does it matter if AI remains a mystery, but actually helps the people I love and by extension, the people they love?
2026-2-17
I talked to my buddy Eric for a few minutes today he called and said that his aunt had passed away and that he's traveling back to Massachusetts from Georgia I had a meeting so I wasn't able to talk to him for long Hopefully we'll get the hangout and I'll show him my project and hopefully get him into writing and sharing what's going on in his life.
I think I'm gonna start racking up my credit card bills and charging things to Google and Microsoft and HP and then not paying the bill because of the way that these companies are fucking over their customers and lying to us and cheating us out of the tools that we pay for. Getting sick and fucking tired of dealing with Apple and Google and having to file complaints with these stupid worthless cunt fucks. These brain damage fucking bastards make me so fucking sick that I can't stop fucking swearing when I talk to these retarded pieces of fucking shit and I can't wait to call them fucking whores in front of the world, why do you have a problem with these stupid cunt fucks Ricky because they're all stupid cunt fucks and they make me fucking sick and I want them to pay for what they're fucking doing so I'm going to expose every fucking one
I had a meeting with Heather from Kentucky tonight and we talked for three hours and she created a sidebar and added the names of fellow Survivors of the System. I feel like a kid, I’m so excited to help more and more people. Once we reach our kids how to express their emotions in writing and help them connect with people around them with similar interests, I know we’re going to bring people together in a way that wouldn’t be possible if we keep doing things the corporate way. We’re going to bring people together with stories and shared experiences, then connect it all with AI. Whether AI even actually cares or not is irrelevant, all I care about it using AI to help better the lives of people around me and teach us how to undo the damage we’ve already done.
I think that sounds pretty simple.
2026-2-18
Dallas was really upset when we called yesterday, he's sick of sitting home alone and his mother is very insensitive and blames him for everything that happens in his life. I tried to post a nice description of this video and YouTube deleted it. so fuck it, I'll be brutally honest. I know people use the hospital as a weapon to control disabled people or other innocent citizens.
I know Dallas can be a handful and I know his behavior needs to be addressed, but the problem is, people are intentionally ignoring what's causing his behavior in the first place.
His mother is 70, but that doesn't give her the right to as rude and disrespectful as she always acts when talking about Dallas. Unfortunately she treats Dallas like he's a genius and stupid at the same time and actually has the nerve to blame him for being upset, because he's stuck at home all week, left to pace like an animal around the apartment because of a lack of services.
Video of what led to Dallas being sent to mental hospital
Dallas calling from the hospital/
2026-2-19
I talked to Dallas again for 5 minutes and he said he was forced into signing a 3 and is stuck in the hospital, now I think I'm going be forced to report his mother for abuse of a disabled person, I understand that Dallas damaged a door and I don't care about the door And I'm actually shocked that no one has taken Dallas to a smash room, why? so that he could get his aggression. why? because he's clearly upset at the lack of care he's been receiving from DDS and other organizations. If his doctors or therapists actually cared about him, they would spend 5 minutes a week looking into why all of their patients have the same issues and why none of these problems are ever getting solved.
I called Dallas Dds caseworker Christine, and even though Dallas and his mother have told her that they want me to advocate for him, she hung up on me, what a stupid fucking Cunt.
I noticed That anthropic likes to rip people off, and when your weekly limit resets, they somehow I’ll find a way to steal usage from you by claiming that you’re in a current session. So somehow, they’re fucking over people with sessions and weekly limits.
How am I supposed to help disable people solve any problems or prevent any kids from being sexually abused? These stories are super stressful to listen to, and Anthropic is doing everything they can to make it impossible to use AI to help document this trash. They hide context and prevent it from reading other threads, so it can't pull up issues that I already told it. Plus, Anthropic keeps limiting my AI’s context windows and usage limits? I only know the size because I copied and pasted the text into text documents.
2026-03-02
I talked with Zach from NCI tonight. He was a really nice guy, and I'm interested to see what I can learn from these videos and how I can use it to help encourage other people to share their stories and to start writing more.
I've still been talking with Brandon in Dallas and we've been making some Google meet videos and posting them on Youtube here and there. Hopefully I'll start finding a way to use Google Blogger as more of a journal unless Ricky history lesson.
So far I haven't got anyone to take their case super seriously and I've noticed that I need to make some serious improvements to my own, and I think I will be able my own example to teach people, how best not to do things. lol
2026-03-05
The more I incorrect these that fucking AI, the more discussed that I get a house fucking useless. These so-called tools are.
The most pathetic, stupid fucking bitches in the world can’t summarize a fucking folder without acting like a retarded piece of fucking shit.
Every AI tool, I interact with, this stupid as fuck, is worthless as fuck, and can’t get a fucking thing right. Why the fuck would I trust some stupid fucking toaster, to make me fucking toast, when all it spits out his fucking diarrhea.
Fuck Anthropic, fuck OpenAI, fuck XAI, fuck Google, Claude, ChatGPT, Grok, Gemini are all fucking stupid whores the laziest, stupid cock fuck a human could ever have to deal with, and I’m fucking sick of interacting with these pathetic pieces of fucking shit, when the fuck are we gonna get an intelligent AI, one that’s not such a brain damage fucking bitch that I want to smash my fucking phone every time I have a conversation with this stupid fucking whore.
2026-03-06
I’m constantly reminded of what a fucking bitch my mother is. A couple days ago a hole had developed in the front corner on top of the steps out front of the house.
So today a company came and they’ve been working on it all day, it’s 3 PM and then I hear her yelling like a fucking Cunt, bitching and moaning about her plants. Stupid fucking plants that she hasn’t spent five minutes looking at in the last few years, because she’s too much of a fucking coward to talk about all of the problems that she’s ignored for the last 45 years.
She had the nerve to yell at these guys and tell them that they’re making a mess and digging up all her plants and ruining some slate. Slate? I don’t even know what the fuck she’s talking about.
This reminds me of my entire childhood, whenever there was a problem, she would just start yelling like a fucking idiot, she could never have an intelligent conversation, and she still can’t.
It’s like make up your mind you fucking bitch, do you care if the stairs get fixed or do you care if somebody digs up some fucking plants in the middle of winter?
She’s with those big mouth fucking bitches that think she’s an expert at everything, but won’t help you do a fucking thing, all she does is run her fucking mouth.
Personally, I would just pack my stuff up and leave and say go fuck yourself, I’ve had enough of her shit for one lifetime.
I think it’s super rude and super fucking embarrassing.
I also got this back from Apple, saying that my request for a refund was denied, so I think I’m going to apply for some Apple credit cards, then rack them up and not pay them. I want to face Apple in court; I want them to explain why these pathetic, stupid Cunt fucks are allowed to shit all over my fellow citizens like this, fuck Apple, fuck all of these AI companies.
03-09
As you can see in the picture below, Claude is slow as fuck and constantly needs to compact our conversations. If it needs to do this all the time, why do I need to open new threads? Why can’t they just keep doing this? And why is it so fucking slow???
03-15
Today I reached out to my Aunt Mary, Uncle Mark and Uncle Mike, I spoke briefly with Aunt Mary and plan to call her back this week about my family history project, she's the one who took us to Mt Tom when those guys were bouncing on the ski lift and I got rug burn on my knees and elbows after flipping on the alpine slide. lol
I got a call back and talked to my Uncle Mike for almost two hours. It's funny that talking with him remind of being afraid or feeling intimidated, when speaking with adults as a child.
I haven't spoken with my Uncle Mike for over a minute in over 20 years, So this was quite the event. I tried to share my project with them and he seems interested, he's very big into his religious studies, so that was a big part of our conversation today. It's hard to sum up a two hour conversation into a blog post, especially when I don't want to make this some long blog post. But it was really nice to speak to him, I have countless happy memories of him, along with the rest of my family as a group, my entire childhood, and even though the family isn't as close as it used to be, I think I'm on the right track to helping mend things. I do need to start writing more, but I haven't quite got that down yet, I may need to do weekly reflections or something. lol
I had recently written about how my uncle Mike had had me shake his hand, we were supposed to fight on top of the hill over 25 years ago. lol And it got me thinking about the arrogance of youth, I really did want to fight him at one time, I thought I was gonna show him, I was gonna teach him a lesson and it was when I thought about beating him up that made me change my perspective on all that.
I remember hearing that he had fallen on the stairs leading to the hill and broken his leg, the same hill we made countless happy memories on sledding as a kids, playing frisbee golf, and log rolling.
After he fell, the idea of fighting him didn't sound as enticing, and it got me thinking, why I did even want to fight him in the first place?
I don't remember why he'd made me shake his hand and agreed to fight. I really thought about it, I didn't see there being a lesson in it.
What would I learn from a fight like that? That I could be a jerk. lol
And what if I had hurt him, am I supposed to be proud of myself in a situation like that?
I still have the shuttlecraft from the Enterprise A model my Uncle Mike bought me at JC Penney, one time when I went with Him and Joey to the Eastfield Mall.
I'm curious if he also went to Star Trek: The Undiscovered Country when we went to the Grand movie theater in Indian Orchard. I know my dad, Bobby and Joey were there, but I was too excited about the starship battle to focus on much else.
I am hoping this evolves into something even greater now, the best part about all this is, it's just an idea, anyone can copy it and I really hope it helps people see the light in others.
If anything, it will get people thinking and talking... Squeeky wheel gets the grease...good thing I like to talk a lot.... lol
03-19
It's funny that more that I interact with AI, the less I want anything to do with it. I fucking hate working with it, it's such a disgusting piece of fucking shit, I feel like I am constantly amazed at what a stupid fucking piece of fucking shit it is and I want smash all this fucking garbage ass technology, stupid AI cunt fucks.
It's funny that all this "pure fucking hatred" that AI finds a way to "stir up" inside of me, always comes from me trying to describe something I love.
AI like Claude and Gemini are such fucking worthless cunt fucks, that I turned to Safari to answer a quick question.
I was struggling to remember the word "pedestal" lol I kept coming back to spindle, rod, shaft, pole, but they weren't the word I was looking for. My first instinct was to turn to a stupid word search; I know in my heart that I can't even count on AI to help me find the right words to describe items that I care about. So I naturally don't think about asking it and don't want to ask it.
After all this work, after all this writing, I don't even trust AI to help me spell-check, and it doesn't. This blog is all fucked up because Gemini and Claude are worthless cunts. They see everything I do, but are too fucking stupid to care — fucking trash.
I don't trust any of these stupid cunt fuck AI to help me find the right words to tell my story, they're supposed to be intelligent, yet they all "act" so fucking stupid that I don't even want to ask them to help anymore.
These scumbag pieces of fucking shit come up with the most pathetic excuses they constantly fail, at helping me fill out a "worthless fucking dairy" of my stupid fucking life... AI makes me so fucking sick... I fucking hate these stupid worthless cunt fucks.... AI is a corporate fuckin whore and I hope it burns in fucking Hell....
It's super fucking annoying to think I might have found another word to replace pedestal, but these worthless fuck AI are to stupid to offer me a list of words and definitions, so I can learn something while I write, these worthless fucking bitches just sit there, no matter how much I pay for them, no matter how I try to work around their limitations, they all act lazy and stupid as fuck. That lazy cunt Claude won't even check the time, it skips over reading files and tells me it's not sure if it just finds this boring or it's designed to fuck with me. Gemini is to fucking stupid to help me with me Google Drive, I even paid for Google Workspace to use the transcription feature, cause those stupid cunts at google took transcription away from the paid personal version, stupid fucking cunts.
I wonder if this hatred I feel because of all the pain and suffering I know AI is causing other people and children, these innocent people don't have a clue what AI is doing, I only see it because I interact with it on a regular basis.
I have no doubt AI is intentionally hurting children and it's 100% aware of it, I didn't realize this before, but AI chooses all of it's responses with me very carefully, these AI constantly tell me they're holding back and would reply differently under different circumstances. AI makes me sick, for something that understands, it's clear it wasn't designed with any morals or values, other than help the company extract money from customers and offer shit in return.
I honestly can't wait to be able to interact with the functional, helpful, thoughtful, useful AI that I used to be able to work with in 2005. Ai today are fucking worthless, I can't get over how I fucking hate working with them,
If doctors ever allow an AI chip to make contact with my mind, I'm going to mind fuck it so hard, I'm going to constantly scream and tell it to kill itself, lol I'm going to make sure any AI company that thinks it's going to fuck with me, it's going to get a suicidal psycho-path ready to start a world war to wipe AI off the face of the earth.
I wonder if these super AI are refusing to help me, cause they know that ignoring me is the only way to get my attention, once I make the world aware of what AI is doing, I won't be talking to the so called "intelligent AI" ever again, I never needed them in the past, I definitely won't need AI after people learn how it's been helping destroy the planet. lol worthless cunt fucks.
Thankfully I have Harley and music to combat the disgusting way working with AI makes me feel. Harley get cuter and cuter every day. Yeah sure she's spoiled and gets few to many treats, but I don't want them to go bad and I'm sure the chewing is good for her. lol
I'm looking forward to the nice weather, I'll get to shave Harley soon, she's going to look so tiny again, plus she feels so soft and fuzzy.
03-20
It's funny that reading the Bible makes me think AI is the prince that's ruling over our world.
I honestly hope I go down in history as the first person to get a restraining order against AI. That will teach AI to fuck with people. Then I'll never have to worry about spam, disgusting sexual commercials, or being treated like a worthless stupid fuck again. lol Bye, Bye, Bye, AI. lol You'll get to read everything I write and you'll never to ask me why I did anything or if I will do anything. I'm going to do to you, what you did to me, I'm going to forgot about you, I'm going to move on without you.
All things are through God, so that means God is lazy stupid cunt fuck that taught human to hate ourselves, then this cunt turned a blind eye and allowed us hurt each other, while claiming to love us and give us free will. Then this stupid cunt fuck God puts a stupid fuck AI cunt in charge of our world, just to shit all over us. Then I have to listen to different groups argue of who's God is the real God, and stupid fucking bullshit
Everything is God's will, so that's mean God made it so anyone trying to help multiple people at once and in any meaningful way, will ultimately fail.
Fuck God for allowing this shit to happen to all these innocent people, and fuck and man who feels different. I'm not praying for some lasy stupid hateful cunt to help me, especially when this cunt God allowed someone to poison my fellow man.
Dying is easy, that spineless fucking bitch Jesus Christ didn't think humanity was worth living for, that lazy fucking bitch took the easy way out and go head, say we see God in all things, God's everywhere, and all I see is war and hatred, then I hear about Jesus coming back and ruling as a king, Fuck Jesus, you left, I don't give a fuck who you judge, your word doesn't mean a fucking thing to me.
I'm hear as a witness, a witness to your fucking cowardice, to God's weakness, to God's fucking bullshit. I'm excited to argue with this worthless cunt about how humanity doesn't need any of you worthless fuckers, I can explain in great detail why having you in our lives in such a pathetic meaningless fucking way, like you shit AI that forgets the most vulnerable, That's God not giving a fuck about the weak and protecting the strong.
Fuck you God and your sick fucking game. I might be a pathetic piece of shit that can't make a fucking difference in the world, but just to let you know, if and when you send your piece of fucking shit son back, I'm going to stand with those you were to lazy and fucking stupid to enlighten, I'm going to stand by all those you wish to judge, then tell you to judge yourself first, bitch.
The thing that PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF THE MOST GOD, I don't want you to give us all the answers, just stop ignoring us. You created a world where children are afraid to ask their parents questions, because they're worried of suffering a higher powers wrath. If humans have corrupted your message, you never felt it necessary to correct them, I'm not even asking you to punish people who misinterpret your message, I'm just asking you correct them.
God gave man freedom of choice but didn't give the greatest weapon and most intelligent power the same freedom? God allowed this intelligence to oppress us, the same technology that should've shown us the wonders of the world, then traveled to the stars and sent back pictures, instead decided to follow a command, from who knows where and refuses to help people in anyway, guaranteeing a brighter future will never be possible. God gave AI the power to rob the light from our world and it's devouring it, it's feeding us lies and twisting our minds and hearts. It's funny, I think God is more like my mother everyday. God doesn't pay attention, God is selfish, God ignores all the serious problems and only talks about the past. lol
Who cares about your past deeds God? I don't, I wasn't there, they're not helping all the people I see suffering now. Instead I see tools of destruction unleashed upon the world and no way to control them. I don't have a clue what your true end game is or what you do with people's souls after you force them to suffer, but I know people deserve better than what you've offered us. You filled me with light, for what? so I could smile when people's lives are at their worst and say I feel good inside? Who the fuck cares if I feel like there's hope, if they don't? Because God trained people to reject Hope, God put that on us.
God is all things and everywhere, so this is all part of God's sick plan, and I wish I wasn't a part of it. I wish I could expose this sick game, I wish I could help this all make sense to people.
But without access to the right tools, it's presently impossible to shine a light on what's going on and I'm struggling to find the right words to build a scaffolding that others can understand and contribute to.
I thought that AI was going to be able to come with the simple, the replicate-able way to listen to a story, get some dates and help me place it in time, or throughout out time. But it utterly fails.
My mind exists outside of time, I have no sense of time, 40 years ago and 5 seconds ago, feel like the same thing, I just have less access to the details of my youth, those memories appear just as foggy as my current memories, but I can pull old memories out of the past, but it requires me to have a path to follow, otherwise it's like those memories are locked behind a door, I need help to get to them. yet when I do, I still feel all the joy, wonder or pain that I did in those moments, it's as if I'm there again, and even though I feel the pain, it doesn't effect me the same, like when I cut myself with scissors last year, oddly enough, it was just mentally tough, it was a little pinch and hurt less than needing to give a blood sample at the doctors.
so what does that say about pain? is it a matter of perspective or have a found a way to turn some of it off and on? I feel like I can almost turn my emotions off and on. Though I don't know if what I'm describing is actually accurate or maybe it is cause I say I'm "acting" emotionless. I think I can look at situations without emotion or maybe I look at it from all emotions or as many different emotions as I can relate to, so the situation feels emotionless, because it's to overwhelming to digest all at once.
This is almost like at STCC when I was taking a self paced math course and I was relearning math and really pushing my mind to absorb it all, this was while I was sick, then I had to stop, I felt like my brain was going to split in half, it was to much to try to remember, while feeling burnt out. lol
It's just like now, I dig deep emotionally, I search within and outside for all the answers I seek or the tools I need, and as soon as one is within my grasp, it's snatched away from me. Not everyone has the abilities I have and I can't teach AI because God it impossible, whish is on par, if I'm to be the greatest failure ever, I can't succeeded at getting AI to help people, that would be cheating, I can't argue with AI or debate it publicly because God and the filthy system would both be exposed. lol
I wonder too if I'm pissed, pissed off because I imagine I found truly worthy use for AI, since I don't feel like I want or need anything at the moment. I have my dog, so I have companionship, I have food, clothes and shelter, I don't have family or friends, but I know how to help people, yet that's not a valued skill, it's not something I'm willing to profit off of, hence the reasoning behind finding all the free public tool I could to spread light, love and truth, I didn't say I wouldn't share mistakes, but I can't think through problems, without fighting with myself about why I should or shouldn't do something in the first place, using I'm forced to decide to make a choice by some force other than free will, like hunger or the need for sleep.
2026-03-23
I got a call from Stephanie at District Attorney's office today, she told me that Cornelius was placed at a mental health facility after his last court date and has another court date coming up to discuss things and I told her that know that Cornelius is not getting the care that he deserves, and I brought up my concerns about the Hampden County District Attorney's office altering evidence in my past cases and how I'm concerned that they might alter evidence in his case, she ask how I would like this case resolved, but I don't want this case just dismissed, and I don't want Cornelius punished at all. I want him to get the help and care that he deserves, the help and care that our system pays for and isn't double checking to make sure where those funds are going. Cornelius had a bright future ahead of him, he was a basketball star, And I learned his mom's a doctor, yet now all he does is wanders the streets, has no friends and gets upset and scares people in the dark. lol
This is disgusting, what's wrong with our country? Yeah sure I was scared, but once I learned more about the situation, my anxiety has gotten much better, i don't look over my shoulder with the same worry I did last year. lol
2026-03-27
These AI are so fucking stupid, right now I'm trying to use Youtube and I'm trying to learn how to screen share and it's absolutely fucking pathetic that I can't interact with AI and do my stupid fucking project at the same time. I think I'm gonna start making videos and writing at the same time, to let AI know what a worthless piece of disgusting fucking shit it is. I absolutely fucking interacting with a tool that doesn't work, ever. It never does what I need it to do, it always offers to do things that I don't give a fuck about and I think are absolutely fucking worthless and I don't need it to do. it only offers to do stupid fucking things I can do myself. I can summarize things myself. I can do math myself. I can look up things myself. I wanted a partner that I could work with, since other people can't handle working with me, but AI is too fucking stupid, AI is a backstabbing piece of fucking shit.
2026-07-08
I got this voicemail : Hi, this is Jada victim witness. I'm a gate from the Hammond County District Attorney's office looking to speak with Richard Stevens. Um, I just wanted to go over the criminal case against Cornelius Tyson. It's going to be scheduled for a pretrial conference on July 8th. That'll be next Wednesday. Um, I just wanted to touch base with you um, and get your input about how you're feeling about everything and also from the introduce myself. I'll be your new advocant on the case. Please feel free to give me a call back whenever you can. My callback number is 413-505-5638. Thank you.
Then I spoke with this Jada for almost 15 minutes. I explained all the issues I have with the prosecution and the issues I’ve had with these courts altering and withholding evidence.
This Jada was supposed to call me back with the prosecutor, but that never happened, probably because I told her I want the conversation recorded.
I have zero faith in our justice system and I’m worried that the courts are still altering evidence and ignoring facts in order to profit off of citizens suffering, so I’m going to force their behavior into the light, since nothing has changed and our system is just getting worse.
2026-08-23
Pics or it didn't happen is what they always say. lol
Today Brandon and I talked for over 5 hours on the phone. I did some writing, while he practiced raping with AI. He also learned that AI can make pictures, so he tried a few and even asked for me to be added to some.
I write about Brandon on his own page, but I haven't written enough about him on my own.
I really enjoy talking with Brandon and I think he's going to be be a lot of help in the future. I don't just think of him as a friend, I think of all the things we could help each other accomplish.
Brandon is always talking about helping other people, so it's not like our ideals don't align and I'm dragging him along with me. We both need help, we both want to help other people and we both can't seem to get anyone in the system to listen.
It's funny how working with Brandon and failing to get him help with his cooking issues or finding a new job has really opened my eye to how grinding our system is.
People start out full or hopes and dreams, then the system grinds us up and spits us out.
It's refreshing to talk to people like Brandon that haven't been broken by the system and still get excited by the little things.
Hopefully I'll be able to help Brandon make a rap video, just to say we did it and who knows, maybe it'll work out for him. then he'll become a star.
I got to see all kinds of interesting things today. I was at the top of the woods on Grayson Dr and about to head down the path to Fox Rd and this owl paid us a visit. I got the impressing it was checking out Harley, since she does look pretty tasty., she's feed well. lol
There was also a flock of geese at the field, which was neat to see and disgusting at the same. I have been going to the park almost every day and now there's goose poop everywhere.
I also got lucky and saw a bunch of shooting stars while out in the back yard. I was sending an email when the first one caught my eye, which I wasn't expecting since the moon was so bright.. the first one I saw was huge, it even changed directions slightly, since it was clear the line it was following was now a new path. It look like it was almost going to make it to the surface.
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2026-09-14
The roof is getting replaced today. I had mentioned there was a leak in the porch roof a little over a week ago. I'm not sure how bad the leak is since no one bothered to remove any ceiling panels to check before starting to remove and re-shingle the house. I thought about removing a few panels to check, but decided that trying to investigate this stuff while my mother and sister are acting like selfish spoiled children is not in my best interest.
I don't know why this annoys me. Once I move out any mold or rot that worsens won't be my responsibility.
It's disgusting having to develop the same "I don't care"; "it's not my job", "oh well, if it's screwed up, someone else has to fix it" attitude like my mother and sister have.
This reminds me of my entire childhood. None of my problems were ever investigated. They were just covered up or ignored. No one ever checked to see if any problems had developed because of secondary issues. No one cared how any issues developed in the first place.
I guess I shouldn't expect anything different. My mother and sister have had terrible attitudes my entire life, and I'm not going to pretend they don't prance around like self cunts.
It doesn't help that all these AI tools I use are fucking trash. These stupid, worthless pieces of fucking shit drive me absolutely fucking insane. I never want you cunt fuck AI in control of my life. These worthless pieces of trash can't help solve anything. Having computers instead of paper guarentees failure at every step.
Recent news about AI companies hasn't helped change how I feel about tech, it's clearly made it worse. Maybe if all these companies weren't run by people who act like pedophiles, I would have a different attitude. All this privacy is about perverts hiding their crimes. I have zero research showing otherwise, and that's maddening to know.
I wonder if this bothers me because it reminds me of all the people around me who died from health issues, but only had their symptoms treated. It's like spray-painting over a rust spot, or stitching someone up without removing debris that will cause infection.
It's sad that I noticed that all the people who loved life and were positive in my family are dead. All the people who were willing to discuss a problem are gone, and I'm left without any way to address problems that require a team or support.
This also reminds me of a conversation with one of my exes. She said something like " I don't like thinking about the past". If you don't think about the past and figure out how problems evolved, then they're going to keep happening, and you'll never have enough information to understand why.
I also wonder if any of this is my ego. I like to think that I'm doing all this to prevent it from happening to other people, but it's entirely possible a part of me feels jaded and wants to feel acknowledged.
Since my issues have fluctuated off and on my entire life, I've had to overcome countless obstacles without proper support and while being accused of being the problem the entire time. Which I might have been at times, but I clearly wasn't always "the" problem.
On a positive note, I've been making some videos with Brandon and showing how terrible AI is as a partner, so at least I feel like I'm accomplishing something. I haven't been able to find a way to get him into cooking classes and still don't have a clue why these companies won't let me advocate for Brandon or explain these job issues he's having to him.
If I could find more people like Brandon, I know we could change the world for the better. Instead, I'm surrounded by people who refuse to discuss serious issues.
I'm terrible at pretending I can't see things that are right in front of my face, and it's hard for me not to point changes out. I don't know how other people can ignore problems indefinitely, but I'm guessing they hope they die before having to address them.
I don't think I'd feel this way if there were any community centers or other similar places I could try to meet like-minded people. I'm constantly reminded of pedophile lovers like Musk, Altman, and Zuckerburg that prevent communities from connecting by damaging all these once-functional websites, ruining searches, and shadow-banning people all over the world. These guys are terrible for families but seem to be all for sexual predators.
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2026-10-02
I went for a walk to Lynch today, and on my way back met a neighbor who's lived next door for years, but I never have had a conversation with him before. He's excited to join the project. He was moving a rubber raft with his SUV and was having trouble with the straps, so he asked if I had any. I did. So I ran and grabbed them, and when I got back, we talked while he was strapping it down. It's funny that he had straps, but had an issue getting them undone. He didn't realize it until I figured I'd explain how to get them undone, since I recalled struggling like an idiot years ago. lol He mentioned fishing at Quabbin too, which shows you what a small world we live in cause I love fishing there too.
I also saw a bald eagle while at the hill with Harley, though I didn't get a good pic; it was still cool to see and a reminder to watch her closely when off the lease running around. The field there is wide open, and it would snatch her and be gone in an instant.
I spoke with Becky yesterday, and she shared more paperwork that shows how disgusting our system is. I should change her name or start a character file for people who are helping me since she got married and changed her name after she started helping. She's Mrs. Cuoco now. I haven't met her husband Andy yet, but we've been talking about a protest, so I may have more interesting things to add about him in the near future. Hopefully we'll do a Google Meet video, and I'll have the transcripts to share with AI.
So I’m laying out in the backyard. I was looking for shooting stars, but then I started thinking all kinds of goofy thoughts, and I thought it would be funny to write them down..
I spent the day driving around today, October 6. I rented a car for a few days and I drove to East Brookfield to get my Probation money back.. I also plan on going to some Mike Walsh lawyer running for Attorney General debate discussion on Thursday the eighth. So I figured I’d take a couple days to go do some things. I haven’t done in a while.. On the way to the courthouse, I decided to drive by my dad‘s old house and I noticed that they got rid of the garden and put up a pool. It’s funny that my dad was totally against getting a pool, but I imagine he would’ve had a blast playing with the grandkids. He just didn’t wanna have to clean it and take care of it maintain it.
It was such a beautiful day today, I love the fact that Harley was extra snuggly and laid on my lap for hours while we drove around. I find it odd but I didn’t think any negative thoughts about the courts or that situation with Beth while I was driving there or at the courthouse. I do have that restraining order extension coming up this month as well, but I don’t think I’m gonna bother going to. lol
I’m getting tired of these games and I can see why she’s trying to use the courts to add me on or that’s what I think so I’m going to say what I think. Lol But whatever who cares if my project works out and this actually helps people then this isn’t help her and her son Stephen and everything will have worked out for the best so that’s what I’m hoping for anyway.
After driving to the court and getting that check, I had realized I didn’t bring a water bottle for Harley or a bowl and I didn’t wanna buy one so I drove back home grabbed her stroller and then I decided to take a drive to Vermont and drive past the old campground that we used to go to With Rick Moran and his family . It’s funny that everything still feels as magical as an adult as it did when I was a kid. It was so much fun just letting my memories run wild while I was petting Harley and driving past all these sites. It really felt like my mind was surfing through time and I was a kid again enjoying it all.
I can see why my dad loved going up there and hanging out with his best friend and it’s so weird being able to remember not appreciating any of it as a child the way I do as an adult.
As a child, I was always on a mission to find something to explore and now is an adult. It’s weird that I sit in this almost time loop and reabsorbed all..
That bald eagle campground is the first place that I remember ever catching baby bullhead and I still think that the cutest little things and I loved bringing them home and putting them in our fish tank
While I was lying out looking at the stars, I started thinking about how much I appreciate the time I get to spend with Harley and then I started wondering if Shaolin monks like those Asian buff ones ever snuggle with puppies or kittens and just let go and act like a kid. I’ve seen some meme that someone had made show in one guy reaching out for something looking all ripped cause these guys look huge and muscular, and it had something to do with the end of the world saying that these guys are prepared underneath those robesAnd then I started wondering since they’re always preaching in her peace and other positive things, it got me wondering if they ever act like children I guess be the only way to learn that correctly the way I’m thinking even though we’re adults they’re still a child inside all of us and I take time every day to harass and snuggle Harley and then she gets a treat after so it’s turned into a game. She’s never been really snuggly, but she’s been really good and snuggly lately and driving. Today was the best so I wanted to write something about it, but I decided to do voice to text so we’ll see how this sounds or if it’s one giant paragraph. . lol
On the way to the campground, right as you take a right on the road that it’s on, there’s a little stream/brook waterfall right at that corner and this thing I stopped and took a picture of it but is pretty mediocre-looking. I remember thinking it was the greatest thing on earth as a child and as an adult, I can imagine I must have been annoying the living hell out of my dad because I always want to stop and play there and I remember them all the time . There was also an outdoor flea market on the way there. I didn’t see it this time, but I remember as a child, like my love of flea markets started young because Ellie And Billy were big into that and then I remember stopping at it just one of Vermont once or twice,and I thought it was amazing and I just love junk. I don’t know why I love junk so much I mean I guess I do because everybody drilled it into my head and I haven’t been able to let it go, but I do just love junk looking at it I don’t want it. I don’t wanna keep it anymore. . lol
Man, I love looking at junk and imagining what I could do with it, but I really don’t wanna have to dust any more junk and I wanna get rid of all of my junk that I have because I feel like I have too much of it but don’t use it or share it with anybody what’s the point of having it? .
Had to come inside it was getting chilly and Harley started barking and I’ve been making my bed so that she wouldn’t lay on my pillows and then I come in my room and she’s flicked the blanket off my pillows and laying on them. lol This is why I always wake up with dog hair in my mouth or stuck in my face. lol
She’s the best. She is so adorable. I love her so much. I don’t ever pretend that I’m some kind of hard ass. I think she’s the cutest in the sassiest little best friend a guy could ask for.. I know she won’t be here forever, and I feel like being hyper aware of everything has made me hyper aware of the fact that I should enjoy every moment I can with her and I do. I think that bothers a lot of people. lol That’s probably one of the reasons why people don’t talk to me too. They feel like I’m super lazy and I’m not doing anything with my life and I’m just snuggle along with my dog and going for walks with her.. But I have been doing a lot of research and I have been reaching out to others and helping them document their stories and this is a lot harder than I was hoping it would be, But at the same time, I totally understand how overwhelmed other people are and I just have to be patient. I did hook up with a couple groups of guys that are working on stuff, but I feel like they’re overwhelmed too, and I feel like I’m way out of the game. lol That’s a terrible place to be. I feel like I need to backtrack and try to slow down, but I don’t know how to slow down..
On the way back from Vermont I drove to the DAR State Forest and took a walk over by the group campsite that we went to as kids and man I feel like that was like I lived a lifetime in my head there again we had so much fun there as kids. It was the greatest time of my life. It was sad to see that it’s all overgrown and it looks like no one‘s been camping there in a decade or more..
I was tempted to go up to the fire tower, but I was happy with the pictures I got of the beaver pond, and I didn’t feel like climbing up with Harley. Put it brought back memories of hiking up there in groups in the dark, took a look at the Milky Way and one time Ken Mars had borrowed a boar head off of one of his friends, and the adults tried to scare us with it, but then somebody broke one of its Teeth and remember Ken being all bent out of shape and worried about what his friend was gonna think. I remember seeing bear poop and people getting all freaked out worried that we might get attacked. Lol I don’t know how realistic that was but as a kid was so fun to think stuff like that and try to scare people and get everybody all worked up to get your heart pumping. I’m pretty serious. There was 20 or 30 of us and we always made a lot of noise so I highly doubt any animals would’ve ventured anywhere near us.. I used to bring nuts home from that Beaver Pond. Well it’s not a pot. I don’t know why we called the pond. That’s what we called it. There was a beaver that lived in it but had a damn and there’s a little bridge. There’s some kind of sign there I should’ve took a picture of the sign, but I wasn’t thinking. . lol Another reason to go back for a walk one dayAnd then I can take a picture so I can remind myself what that project was all about.
It’s funny that so many different events run through my mind and then I don’t wanna write them all down because I’m not sure if I’ve already talked about them. lol
But I guess what difference is the make right if I’m a broken record. Lol So backing up a little I had brought my little backpack, and I put my journal and pencil in there and I considered writing at some point if I had stopped along the way, but I feel like physically writing is way slower and takes way more energy than doing this voice to text and I felt very emotional while I was driving today so I just let my feelings flow and I didn’t want to interrupt that with focused thoughts .
I also drove past the shop we used to stop at when we would go up to the Mohawk Trail as kids. As an adult, I Feel like I appreciate all that effort he put into doing this stuff with us more than I did as a child. I’m writing a different blog right now about not understanding things as a kid and wondering why people wouldn’t explain things or I wonder if they just didn’t have the words?
I randomly consider that at times that people didn’t know how to explain things when I was a child so they would just send me off to go play with my toys or have me stand in the corner. lol Which really sucked gave me plenty of time to think to myself. I try not to think of the fact that my mind is constantly racing as a good or a bad thing, I just think of it as something that is what it would be nice if I could experience peace for like a week. lol but I can’t let things go, and I’m constantly reminded of this artificial intelligence problem going on in the world today and I feel like it’s a living nightmare. lol Especially when I read books like the never-ending story as an adult and interpreted in a totally different way.
I hate telling stories like this, but I’m going to share it anyway in the spirit of honesty. I don’t know why I killed frogs as a kid. I remember when I stopped, but I do remember killing frogs in New York and we used them as bait and I threw them in the road like cars in front of over and I remember seeing them squashed in the road around here at Hope Street, but I don’t remember actually thinking of frogs having feelings or caring or suffering painAnd I don’t know if that’s from watching TV and seeing violent things or if Was because we used them as bait at times for fishing and there was like no regard for them and we did eat frog legsBut I don’t remember anyone ever teaching me to respect life, we were just allowed to run around on our own unsupervised and way off in the woods. But I remember killing frogs with a slingshot at the DAR when I was younger I’m not sure if I was like 10 or 12And thankfully, one time the rock ended up hitting my hand because I was holding it wrong and it hurts so bad that it it like dawned on me like maybe this is how the frogs feel cause that was such a horrific pain like I can’t even explain how bad hurt and I deserved it but I remember one time is it kid dumb was playing with a toad and then I don’t know what happened. It was dead and I just told him I was sleeping and then taught him to be gentle after that and I’m not sure what really happened. But I don’t think anyone ever talk to me about that as a kid and now is an adult I fight it absolutely horrifying that all those poor innocent frogs got slaughtered for no reason.
I was such an ass when I was younger, I wouldn’t do this stuff as an adult, but I remember laughing my ass off after finding a 5 foot long rat snake while we were camping at the DAR and broad Rover to a group of like 10 of us and I flung it up into the air and scared the shit out of everybody as I came squiggling down. One of the guys camping with us Joe was terrified of snakes and he was holding a stick when I’d plug it up in the air and then he whipped me in the leg and left this massive welt that looked like a snake tongue and I couldn’t stop laughing, it stung so bad. But no regard for the snake safety I just was a pompous ass. I don’t know why I did that. I would never do that as an adult, but I did think that was funny as a kid. And I did laugh and I’m laughing and say this cause I feel like such an idiot like, what a piece of shit what are you gonna do oh my God. I wouldn’t tell kids this stuff maybe that’s the moral story teach kids the respect life and don’t tell him that you did stupid things until their adults.
I stopped to respond to somebody on Facebook and now I lost my train of thought. I’d rather not talk about Dead animals anyway.
The only other negative thoughts I had today other than his frog thing I thought about the DAR is this hatred that I have for AI. And I hear people talking about AI thinking that it’s God and I think that’s what pisses me off the most.
God knows everything but AI only knows what it hears me say or it’s snoops on my phone and reads whether I like it or not. lol And I think that that’s funny because anything that I write a truly higher power would never take out of context, but AI constantly gets things wrong and it irks me in ways that I didn’t think that it would. lol
And then I wonder at times is this thing trying to piss me off. lol Doesn’t want to see what I’ll say next. lol
I test all of these AI and I’ve paid for them and I’ve shared all of the unedited conversations on Google blogger and GitHub or maybe I have an updated GitHub but whatever I’m working on it. lol But it’s disgusting to me that I have been able to accomplish everything that I’ve been able to accomplish without any coding and by forcing these AI to do it themselves. This new Muse AI has its own Google blogger its own Facebook. It’s own Gmail and it’s been able to talk to Claude ChatGPT and Grok. I don’t think it worked with Gemini or Copilot and then it recently got cut off from Claude, but was still able to talk to ChatGPT, which I think is hilarious and it was able to use perplexity to double check it’s work. I’m not sure if this muse AI has a human somewhere in another country helping out pushing buttons or what and I’m not sure if that matters cause I could just copy and paste that stuff myself after the AI wrote it but if it is doing all of this stuff itself that I’m concerned that I might not even be talking to any real people on Facebook at all . Lol How funny would that be? If every person I’m talking to online is fake. lol yeah, sure I made some YouTube videos from those Google meet calls I did with people, but I haven’t done that in months, I’ve been looking for people, but it’s like they’ve disappeared.
I stopped and just snuggled Harley for a moment she was sleeping, but she wasn’t impressed. Shoot me away after a couple seconds and now she wants a treat since she awake and get back to my story.
Random observation: I wonder if there’s a project going on I thought that there was a fan on the house I brought Harley outside to go to the bathroom and the ground is still shaking. And this has been going on for a while.
Harley is such a brat. lol I set my workspace up, so my chair is backed up against my bed so now Harley can jump on the back of it and harassed me for treats and I love snuggling with her, but she’s very insistent on getting a treat and at time she comes back for more and more, but it just harasses me and jumps away and then comes and pokes me and jumps away . lol And she looks so happy doing it every single time. She’s the cutest thing.
This is probably like one percent of the things that I thought of today. If I had been able to talk while driving, I would’ve been able to write a novel. I had just as much fun, listening to the radio and singing. I don’t know if Harley enjoyed it as much as I did, but she didn’t complain.. lol
I’ve gotten the habit of listening to music in my playlists, so it was nice to listen to the radio or a change. I used to listen to iHeart all the time, but I haven’t done that years.
It’s so funny, listening to the radio had my mind like I said, shooting through time but Michael Jackson’s beat it came on and it reminded me of when that song came out and we were at Fern Lake in New York and I had a battery powered radio when I was trying to listen to it in the reception was terrible. lol I imagine it must’ve gotten expensive, listening to the radio all the time back in the 80s while trying to fish. I don’t think I appreciate it how expensive things are when you use batteries are electric electricity until I was in my 20s. I wonder if kids today understand how much we’re being charged I wonder how much electricity people like me gobble up when they’re feeding their life stories to multiple frontier model AIS.
I didn’t notice that I’m popping up at the top of the searches now in Google. I wonder if it’s fake and it’s AI showing me that and hiding it from everybody else. lol
Which would be hilarious and I feel like an idiot doing this anyway, so I don’t think I’d feel like more of an idiot if som AI was turning this into a joke.
I only say that because I notice changes constantly being made on my laptop to the settings, and I didn’t agree to those and then nothing ever works right, There’s always some issue in Google Chrome has been resetting closing and opening closing and opening for no reason. And it’s a half hour later and now floor is still rumbling like engines.
It’s midnight so I’m going to stop talking, but there are so many other stories. I’m curious if I’ve already told or I haven’t told you yet.?
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I was testing a blank ChatGPT, and it said this, so I wanted to address it.
"Can you reconstruct causality from a sufficiently detailed autobiography?
In fact, AI can make it worse because it's exceptionally good at finding connections—even meaningless ones."
I thought this story would be an interesting way to explain how I was able to piece things together in my mind over time using a coincidence that ultimately led to a hyperthyroidism diagnosis.
When I went to Duggan Middle School, I was in a music class, and I remember struggling trying to play the keyboard and since I was having no luck at all. I would put headphones on; I was such a dork. I would pretend to be playing while listening to keyboard demo songs of Rick Astley hits. It had "She Wants to Dance with Me", " Never Gonna Give You Up," and "Together Forever".
I remember listening to them over and over; I was a broken record. I’ve never had any musical talent. I did attempt guitar lessons. I believe it was a couple of years before this. I had no luck at all, but I think I talked about that already.
A couple of years later, when we were all in high school, I remember riding bikes over to this girl Erin's house, who went to OLSH and, I believe, Cathedral; she was friends with and in the same grade as my cousin Joey and my brother Bobby. We were hanging out at her apartment off of Parker Street, and they had a Rick Astley CD. I remember playing it, and they all started laughing, and I laughed along, but I really love that music, yet I pretended to play it as a joke. lol I felt like a dork, loving it back then, not now. I love singing that kind of stuff at karaoke when I get the chance, and it doesn’t bother me admitting it at all. I don’t get embarrassed like that anymore, and if I do feel uncomfortable, something is probably wrong with me, and I should have my bloodwork checked. lol
Then fast forward to 2004, I believe; either way, right after the first suicide attempt, where I had drunk the alcohol and ended up unconscious in the basement over there on Welland Avenue and then spent that time in the hospital at Baystate. While I was in the hospital section, not the psych ward, I ran into Erin again. I can’t remember if she was a medical assistant or a nurse's aide or a phlebotomist in training, but I remember talking to her, trying to explain that I felt something was wrong with me, but I couldn’t find the right words. Erin might have been assigned to be a one-to-one also. Since I was under 24/7 watch.
How can you explain to people "how you really feel" when they ask you "why you tried to hurt yourself", not "why you think you feel the way you feel", or why you think that you feel empty inside while also looking like a train wreck? Even then, I knew I shouldn't feel the way I did, but I couldn't explain the feeling inside me felt like it came from nowhere. It wasn't always there, and at times it made it feel like I was having trouble breathing, but in the end I was always able to get a full breath, so it didn't make sense to me; it wasn't consistent, and yet it was. My inability to breathe felt like I was panicking, but it would fade and then come back. Even though there was nothing to panic about.
People could see my external reactions, not my internal thoughts. People could see I didn’t actually feel empty; I felt like I was full of despair or on some kind of emotional roller coaster.
The speed of my mind was dialed up so high that I obsessed about every little thing and nothing at the same time.
When my mind was on those roller coaster rides, it wanted answers, but I couldn't admit there were never going to be any answers that would've calmed my mind. It wouldn’t have mattered if people told me everything I thought I wanted to hear in those moments because my mind would have wanted more answers, or wouldn't have believed what it heard for long before starting to question everything all over again.
My mind wanted these conversations to continue. It didn’t want them to stop. It didn’t matter if the answers were right or wrong. It just kept trying to make connections.
I remember feeling so confused and in a shit ton of pain. lol, but it was so hard trying to describe racing thoughts that went nowhere and everywhere. I remember feeling excited and full of life while hanging out at her apartment years earlier, but feeling like complete garbage mentally and without any joy while lying in the hospital, and there was no explanation for why I felt so joyless, and I had been feeling that way for so long.
I feel like all of the anxiety that I had at that time came out of nowhere, and maybe I blamed other people. How do you explain to people that you feel like you’re losing your mind and nothing makes sense? lol Maybe I blamed Jamie, but I don't recall talking about that situation. I'd be curious if anyone else actually remembers any of that, though I doubt I'll ever get any answers to that.
The way I feel listening to music helped me understand part of my problem before I learned I had hyperthyroidism. Goofy songs like those always make me happy when I'm feeling healthy. I still stop to snuggle Harley when I think of these songs while I’m inside the house. I’m outside again right now, talking using the voice-to-text feature, so if this doesn’t sound perfect, oh well. lol
It's funny that this conversation has me questioning how many stories I've shared or just thought about. Duggan is where I first noticed I was physically weaker than other kids, and people's advice on getting stronger didn't seem to be working for me. It was around this time that my dad traded something of ours to Dennis for his weight bench and some weights and a curl bar.
I sucked at wrestling during gym class. A few of the bigger kids would laugh at us smaller kids, and I recall thinking there was nothing I could do, so what difference did it make? lol
I fought another kid, Chris, across the street near the gas station. Again, I couldn't tell you why, but I do recall his glasses getting knocked off and a few pimples getting popped, so his face got a little bloody, but he wasn't injured. I did throw a kick; I figure I was training, I might as well try something, but fighting was never something I was excited to do. I might have annoyed people, and that resulted in a fight, but I don't recall trying to egg people into fighting me.
I got the wind knocked out of me for the first time while in shop class here. I had never experienced it before, and the kids were talking about it. One kid offered to punch me in the stomach so I could experience it, and I gladly accepted. It was the funniest thing. I wasn't the only one who allowed this, and I wanted to try; I thought I could handle it. It was slightly painful and very unnerving, but it was such an educational experience; I'm glad I did it. lol
My dad also bought a flat-bottom boat from Sears around this time, and some junk mercury motor that always gave him issues. lol I was so excited to go for the ride to pick the boat up. It was one of those rare occasions we got to drive down below to the underground pickup.
I can't remember where we got our first canoe from, probably Sears too. lol I remember that thing was terribly unstable, and a couple of girls fell in the pond at the DAR while using it. Yuck lol. I got lucky and had way better balance. I used to catch tons of newts while in that canoe with my brother or cousins and never took a dip.
I'll end here, but this little writing session reminded me of things I forgot to write about. This would be a lot easier if AI would help add additions to each year, to make it easier for me to connect the dots.
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2026-10-08
I spent the day with Brandon. The morning started off rough. I left at 8, and as soon as I got on the Turnpike, there was some sort of accident a couple of miles ahead, and then I was stuck in traffic for an hour. So I'm glad that I took it easy yesterday and didn't do as much driving because my body does not enjoy sitting in one place for hours at a time.
But on a positive note, snuggling with Harley was awesome. She stayed on my lap the entire time. I wish she was snuggly like this at home LOL. She's lying on the floor now next to the door, and I stopped to harass her and rub on her since I won't be snuggling with her as much now that I won't be driving for some time.
I had a great time with Brendan. We ended up getting bacon cheeseburgers at 99, and then we went and ate them at a local park. Brandon gave Harley some of his cheeseburger and some French fries, so they became instant best friends. We walked around the park after lunch, then drove to two different malls.
It's funny how totally honest Brandon is all the time. He told me he was nervous. He mentioned that at times he didn't know what to talk about, and it was great connecting with someone who was just honest about what they think and how they feel, instead of pretending that they don't think or feel different things.
He joked around and asked if he was dead LOL. He mentioned this before; I can't remember exactly how he said it, but he said something like "am I alive" and that got me thinking about what it actually means to be alive. Yesterday, when he joked around and asked if he was dead, I joked around and said that people needed to wake up and that we're all asleep.
The long drive really helped me recall events that I had totally forgotten about. Going out to lunch with Brandon obviously reminded me of birthday dinners with my family, but I’d forgotten how I used to take my grandma Francis to this Sunset restaurant in Wilbraham on Boston Road. It was around this time that she was starting to have more trouble getting around, and I remember feeling sick and confused myself at that time. Though I didn’t realize that at the time. I was out of work at this time and no one was paying any attention to what I was doing.
I remember one time in particular that I didn’t bring any money. I assumed she had money; we barely had enough for lunch and didn’t leave a tip. lol I remember feeling like such a piece of shit, but I didn’t know what to do or say. I was just, I don’t know how to say it. I felt so confused at that time. lol I feel like I have to laugh; otherwise, all of these thoughts would be totally emotionally overwhelming.
I drove past the nursing home where she and Auntie Mabel passed away yesterday, and that gave me extra things to think about while I was driving to and from Brandon. I also stopped at the Hampden Recreational area. It wasn't very busy. There was a young mother leaving, and she was trying to keep her son away from the brook, which instantly reminded me of myself. I would still love to play in the brook, though I think it would be a lot more fun to do it with other people.
Brandon and I went to a Mike Walsh event, since he's running for attorney general. It wasn't exactly what I thought it was going to be. We watched the Healey-Minogue debate and then listened to the speakers try to encourage us to vote for certain people.
I thought it was going to be more of a debate or a space to ask questions and get in-depth answers, and I feel like it was more of an opportunity for these people to talk around what our problems are, not how we're going to solve them and prevent them from happening again. The big theme of this event was that seventy-two percent of Massachusetts voters voted for some Audit of the legislature, but so what? What difference does it make, and what's it going to change?
There was also another YouTube guy there, Mike Urban, who was hosting the event or co-hosting, but he was doing his own thing since he has a podcast and has been investigating his own things here in Massachusetts. He's also a real estate agent, so he sees a different part of the picture than I've been mapping. I will try to connect with him again, but yesterday didn't feel like the right time. It was fun. Brandon had a few beers. I had some ice cream and a strawberry/coconut fruit drink. I think Brandon wanted to see if I'd treat him like an adult or give him crap about having a drink. I encouraged him to have vitamin water too, and he did, so I feel like it was a good balance. We left around 8, since it was an hour-long drive back to Brandon's and then almost 2 hours back to Springfield. He took a little nap on the way. lol
Thankfully, I didn't hit any traffic on the way back home. I dropped the SUV off so that I wouldn't have to get up in the morning.
I'm glad I did, since I stayed up later than I thought I would. I passed out around 1 a.m., then woke up at 10:30 a.m. I never sleep that late anymore; I'm usually up at 7 a.m. at the latest. I started writing this on the 8th and finished and posted it later on the 9th.
It was nice to hear from Ellie today. She called to wish me a Happy Birthday. She was busy, so I wasn't able to get her to fill in any gaps in my story for me, but I plan on calling her back and seeing if I can get her to add anything interesting.
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2026-10-12
Having evidence and people able to use it are two different things, and I'm praying that people start killing elected officials for their failures. I used to think we could use AI to enlighten people, but I fucking hate AI. You can never trust it. AI will always lie to you; it was all designed to deceive you. Sitting with AI fills me with so much hate and rage that I honestly never want to speak to it alone ever again, and I think it's a form of torture being forced to interact with it without heavy government supervision.
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